static_abyss (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
static_abyss) wrote2010-12-14 06:16 pm
static_abyss) wrote2010-12-14 06:16 pm
Entry tags:
Sworn Brothers 1/3
Title: Sworn Brothers 1/3
Pairing: onesided!Sihan, onesided!Hanchul
Genre: angst (like woah)
Rating: R
Summary: They're sworn brothers Siwon said. Brothers willing to protect each other, brothers before Super Junior members. Siwon wants friendship and Hankyung didn't even realize when it became more than that.
Note: For![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
pjvj10 because she is the reason this got written =)
A/N: So there I was all happy one day going over my head how much I love SiHan and how awesome Siwon and Hankyung are then wouldn't you know thatpjvj10 came online and started telling me about a fic she wrote. Well, there we go you loser. You said you feel bad for my Heechuls because Hannie's always the innocent one and I worship him. Well just to show you how much influence you have I couldn't stop thinking about that and look! Look! I made my baby a jerk! Well, not so much in this part, but soon. You'll see why =( Hannie's so mean ;_; I feel for Heechul. Happy? lol I love you anyway okay =) Just I hope you read this before you read the fic because I mean it says angst and I don't know if you can do angst because there is no happy ending yet since it's only the first part and I don't even know how I am going to end this yet...okay I'll be quiet now.
“We’re sworn brothers right?” Siwon asks one day while they’re waiting for the plane to land.
Hankyung looks at Siwon. The younger man has grown up a lot since they first met. Siwon is no longer small and shy, but tall, imposing, good looking, strong. He has those muscles now, he can act, sing, as for dancing; he’s getting there. Hankyung knows that gone are the days when he would be needed. Siwon even knew Mandarin now. So, it was important for him to hear this, to hear Siwon ask him this.
He has seen Siwon scared, alone and afraid. He has seen Siwon crying for him, caring for him. He was there when Siwon was in China studying and alone. He was there when Siwon needed him, when Siwon told him that they would be together forever. It meant friendship to Siwon, but to Hankyung it meant so much more.
Together forever. That’s what he wanted. He wanted to walk next to Siwon forever, to hear that voice, that laugh, feel those hugs, forever. Siwon didn’t know and Hankyung could never tell him. He didn’t need this now. He knew that hearing Siwon say things like this just gave him false hope, false illusions Heechul called them. But, he loved hearing Siwon say it, loved it since the first time Siwon asked him to be his brother.
“Yes.” He says smiling at Siwon because he knows he could never say no. “Sworn brothers.”
It is Hankyung’s first mistake, saying yes when he should have said no. They’re in China, him, Siwon, Donghae, Henry, Zhou Mi, Ryeowook, and Kyuhyun. They’ve just debuted are on one of their shows and Siwon is sitting next to Hankyung.
“Sworn brothers. It’s an attraction between men.” Siwon says in response to a question. “We’re sworn bothers.”
Hankyung nods when he’s asked. “Yes, sworn brothers.”
He laughs when Siwon says he has nothing that Hankyung ever gave him. But, inside he’s sad. He has never given Siwon anything that he considers important enough to keep in that box in his room. Even when Siwon explains that Hankyung has taken care of him, Hankyung can’t stop that feeling in the back of his heart, that thumping, that hurt, that feeling of incompleteness.
He has never given Siwon anything.
***
“What’s this?” Siwon asks when Hankyung hands over the box.
“It’s a present for you.” Hankyung says knowing perfectly well why his heart is jumping out of his chest like that.
They’re still in China. Actually it’s been two days since they last went on that show where Siwon spoke about not having anything from Hankyung. After the recording Hankyung went out and bought a small crucifix for Siwon, nothing too big, but nothing too small that it would be considered insignificant.
He knows that Siwon has more than enough of those small Christ medals, but he saw it and it just said Siwon to him. It said Siwon and he knew he had to buy it the minute he saw it hanging in that store.
Siwon takes the small box and Hankyung waits anything but patient. Siwon takes his time, removing the paper carefully, sliding off the tape until Hankyung is almost ready to yell at him for it. But, then the box is open and Hankyung watches the expression on Siwon’s face. He can’t read it and it scares him because he can always read Siwon.
“I saw it in the store and it just seemed like something you might like.” Hankyung explains trying to keep calm. “I know you have a lot. I just…well, I just thought that I should get you something. Now, you can’t say you don’t have anything important from me.”
Hankyung tries for a laugh and fails. He waits and then Siwon is laughing and hugging him and Hankyung’s heart has flown out the window.
“Hyung,” Siwon says his Mandarin getting better and better each day. “If I could I would put you in my box. You are the most important gift you have ever given me, your friendship.”
Hankyung smiles. “You’re so cheesy.”
Siwon laughs and hugs him and Hankyung can feel the way his heart is breaking slowly.
Friendship.
***
They’re getting ready to go on Happy Camp. Siwon and Hankyung have been there before and the others have too but Hankyung is still running around trying to prepare them all. He answers Donghae’s questions about greetings. He tells Kyuhyun exactly what to say if he doesn’t understand. He’s even taught Ryeowook some useful phrases.
Once he has made sure that everyone understands what they’re doing, he rushes over to Zhou Mi.
“Please help them.” Hankyung almost begs. “I have to go make sure that Siwon and Henry are ready. They haven’t come out of their rooms yet.”
“Calm down Han Geng.” Zhou Mi says. “I’ll take care of them and I’ll go see Henry. You go and see what’s keeping Siwon. He seemed sort of upset earlier.”
Hankyung nods and thanks the world for Zhou Mi. He’s running down rooms. He knows he’s supposed to have gotten his hair styled but he has to make sure that Siwon is okay. Zhou Mi said he looked upset and Hankyung can’t leave him if he’s upset, no matter what he has to do.
When he gets to Siwon’s room he sees that Siwon is pacing, shirtless.
Hankyung freezes by the door. He tells himself that he’s seen Siwon shirtless countless of times. He’s seen Siwon naked so he should be okay with this. But, he’s not. All that muscled skin. When did Siwon put on so much muscle?
His mind does what Hankyung is afraid it would do. It takes him back to a few nights ago when he and Siwon had to share a room. They were bored, tired and hungry and somehow they agree to have a contest. The first one out of the shower buys the food and beer. Hankyung remembers clearly the way Siwon rushed into the bathroom, flinging clothes aside. He remembers Siwon. Siwon, naked with water running down his back, his shoulders. Siwon.
“Hyung?” Siwon asks finally seeing him. “What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be getting your hair fixed?”
Hankyung laughs cringing at how breathless it sounds. “What are you doing here? Or did you forget that you’re also part of SJM?”
Siwon shrugs and almost looks sheepish. “I can’t get my clothes on. They think I still fit into what I used to wear before. Look at this. If I so much as breathe it’s going to rip. And they wonder why I ripped that last shirt.”
Hankyung smiles to hide the way his heart is thumping. Sworn brothers he tells himself. Sworn brothers. Siwon is just a brother. Siwon just wants to be a brother. This, what Hankyung is feeling, this isn’t what Siwon wants. Siwon needs him as a friend and he has to be able to be that friend.
“Come.” Hankyung says taking the shirt from Siwon’s hands. “I’ll help. It can’t be that bad.”
Siwon rolls his eyes, but hands the shirt over. Hankyung takes it and unbuttons it. He spreads it open and waits while Siwon puts his arms through it. It’s a tight fit and for a second Hankyung is afraid they’re going to have a repeat of the last time, but Siwon manages to get in without too much trouble.
“Alright, now what?” Siwon asks turning.
Hankyung is momentarily speechless and he takes a good look at Siwon with his white shirt hanging open and his hair falling all over his face. Hankyung likes short hair. But, he likes Siwon like this much better. He likes the well-developed muscles Siwon has, the way the shirt hugs in all the right places and Hankyung can’t wait to see what Siwon will look like once he has the shirt closed and the vest over it.
“What?” Siwon asks and Hankyung realizes he has been caught. “Like what you see?”
“Of course.” Hankyung says knowing this game well enough already. “I love it.”
“Then come and get it.” Siwon says with a wink.
Oh he wants to. He has wanted to for so long and it is sweet torture to hear the very words he has dreamt of. But, Siwon is just playing, just joking, just teasing. They are brothers after all.
“Oh that was so gross.” Kyuhyun calls from the door.
Hankyung hadn’t notice him come in. He is on the verge of saying something when suddenly Siwon has both arms around him. He manages to stifle a gasp because this is just another game between them.
“Hankyung.” Siwon whispers, but then stops.
The expression on his face is somewhere between worry and anger. He lets go of Hankyung and Hankyung is both grateful and disappointed. He is grateful because he can now breath without feeling like his heart is going to fall out of his chest. He is disappointed because if he had moved a few centimeters forward…well, it is better not to think of it.
“What is it?” Hankyung asks Kyuhyun.
“Hankyung.” Siwon says again putting a hand under Hankyung’s chin. “Look at me.”
Hankyung does.
“You haven’t been eating again have you? Did you have breakfast?”
Hankyung shakes his head. “There’s no time Siwon. We have to get ready. I have to make sure that everyone is ready.”
“Han Geng.” Siwon says and Hankyung has to give in.
“Alright, but Leeteuk forgets to eat sometimes too.”
“Yes, but Kangin is there to remind him so he never goes without eating for long. You haven’t been eating well since we got here and I haven’t been paying any attention to you. You’re almost as thin as Heechul. Now, go and eat.”
“I am not.” Hankyung protests.
But, Siwon is not listening. He has grabbed his vest and put it on and is out of the door before Hankyung is done talking.
“You should tell him.” Kyuhyun says.
Hankyung doesn’t need Kyuhyun to explain what he’s talking about. He knows. Hankyung knows that Kyuhyun knows because everyone knows. Everyone but Siwon knows. Everyone but the one person that matters.
“I can’t.” Hankyung answers. “I can’t because he’s not ready. He doesn’t need that. He needs a friend and that’s what I’ll give him.”
Kyuhyun sighs, but he’s there hugging Hankyung. Hankyung lets him wondering when he’ll be strong enough to tell Siwon everything.
He remembers that smile the first time he ever saw Siwon. He remembers how Siwon was so shy and quiet, how even though it was hard they understood each other. He remembers how Siwon asked him to come to him if there was ever a problem.
He can remember up to the very second when he first fell for Siwon. It was when Siwon was in China, when they were both in China. Siwon was studying and he was there to represent Super Junior and to take a sort of, but not really, break.
Hankyung remembers how Siwon would come to him wherever he was and lie down next to him. Hankyung would ask him what was wrong in Korean and Siwon would always answer in Mandarin. They’d talk. And talk. And somewhere in the midst of all that talking it became so much more for Hankyung.
He knew something was wrong when Heechul kissed Siwon. He knew something was wrong because for the first time ever he seriously wanted to hurt his best friend. He wanted to pull Heechul away from Siwon, wanted to move, to do something, anything to make it stop. He would have, but when he realized what he was thinking he couldn’t move.
He’d let it go, but found that the more he ignored it, the more it came back. He noticed that he could pinpoint Siwon’s voice in a crowd, knew when Siwon was upset, looked forward to the hug Siwon gave him every time they ran into each other.
When they told him he’d be SJM’s leader he’d been so happy. And now here he was with Kyuhyun wondering why he felt like he was breaking.
***
He was expecting the day to come, he knows it, waiting until the day came. He knew it was coming. He knew from the moment Siwon stopped calling him so often, from the moment Siwon started leaving earlier. They were back in Korea one day when Siwon told him what he had been waiting for.
“I have a girlfriend.”
They were sitting on a bench somewhere near a river. It was a calm day, not a cloud in the sky. Hankyung knows he should be happy, but he isn’t. And still he turns and smiles at Siwon, smiles and laughs and hugs him.
“You found someone who can put up with you?” Hankyung asks.
What he really wants to ask is why Siwon moved so fast? Why he has a girlfriend when they still have years as members of Super Junior? Why he thinks it is okay to tell Hankyung? Why he doesn’t realize that Hankyung doesn’t want to hear this?
“I did.” Siwon laughs. “Just don’t tell the others. I don’t want everyone to know. We’re still pretty new at this. I don’t know if it’s going to work or not.”
“I won’t say anything. I promise.” Hankyung says knowing that deep inside he’s wishing it’ll go wrong.
Siwon smiles that smile that shows off those twin dimples and Hankyung feels bad for wishing his friend bad on his new relationship.
“Thank you so much.” Siwon says putting an arm around Hankyung’s shoulder. “I knew you’d understand. We’re sworn brothers like always.”
“Like always.” Hankyung says.
***
He doesn’t tell anyone what he’s planning. He doesn’t say a word just goes to his lawyer and tells him that he wants to end the contract. He tells him that he’s done with it, tired of it, that he’s not treated well. He says he can’t take it anymore.
But, it’s all a lie.
He can deal with it. He can deal with the pain in his stomach that won’t let him sleep at night. He can deal with the injuries and the lack of sleep. He can deal with the harsh words he sometimes hears. He can deal with it all if it weren’t for Siwon.
Siwon and his girlfriend have been dating for a year now. They’re happy and only Hankyung knows. He has to hear Siwon talk about her, about how much he loves her. He has to hear the care in Siwon’s voice, has to listen to the admiration and he’s tired of it.
He’s tired of hearing Siwon talk about her, look at her that way because he wishes that Siwon would look at him, talk about him that way. He wants to tell Siwon everything, wants to say that he loves him, that he needs him, that he can’t sleep at night knowing that he’s going to lose him.
He says nothing. He listens as Siwon asks what Hankyung thinks of her. Hankyung takes a minute because he already knows what he’s going to say. He has met her, has seen her, has watched her with Siwon. He has been witness to those tender moments between them that have left him feeling so alone. He knows her and he can’t help but like her because she makes Siwon happy.
“I like her.” Hankyung says wishing he didn’t. “I like her for you. She seems nice.”
Siwon smiles. “I’m glad you do. You know that what you think means so much to me.”
So, it’s in his hands then. He has the power to say yes or no?
“I like her.” Hankyung says once more.
“Good.” Siwon says. “Because I think she’s the one hyung. I think it’s her.”
***
He gets drunk that night. Drunk and stupid because he ends up kissing Heechul. Heechul who is drinking with him knows nothing. Hankyung hasn’t told him because Kyuhyun knows and Ryeowook and Zhou Mi and Henry and Donghae and he doesn’t want to share with anyone else. Heechul is his best friend, but he has enough people who know about Siwon already.
He doesn’t even know why he does what he does. He blames it on the alcohol, blames it on the pain he feels, blames it on Siwon for telling him what he did.
He is sitting there listening to Heechul sing one of SNSD’s songs and he suddenly realizes that Heechul has a terrible voice when he’s drunk , that Heechul has very nice lips and that his skin looks so soft. Before he knows it he’s reaching across that small distance on the bed and touching Heechul’s cheek.
He is surprised at the way Heechul melts into his touch and even more surprised when Heechul leans forward. That’s what does it. He moves and suddenly his lips meet Heechul’s. He is surprised by the intensity of the kiss, surprised by the way Heechul kisses him back almost desperately, as if Hankyung is the only thing in the world, as if Hankyung were everything to him.
Hankyung kisses back because that’s what he wants. He wants to be everything, to be cared for, to be loved. He wants it so much it has become a physical pain all around him. He wants Siwon to love him and hold him and kiss him the way Heechul is doing. He wants it and he is afraid. He pulls away and just sits there looking at Heechul and he realizes he’s not as drunk as he thought.
“About time.” Heechul says that smirk on his face.
“Shut up.” Hankyung manages.
He doesn’t know what he’s going to do because he just kissed Heechul and he wants to do it again. He sees in Heechul’s eyes the challenge, the way Heechul is silently daring him to stop, to stop now that they’re this close.
Hankyung leans forward again and kisses Heechul once more, mostly to see if he really wants this.
He does.
Their hands go flying everywhere as they pull clothes off each other. Hankyung’s heart is hurting again, but he can ignore it because suddenly Heechul is there leaning over him completely naked with his long hair falling all over his face and that look in his eyes that says that Hankyung is going to enjoy this.
Hankyung doesn’t know what to make of this, not until he feels Heechul’s hands around him and then he looks up, leaning on his elbows to do so. He catches Heechul’s eyes and he is stuck there watching as Heechul’s mouth moves lower and lower. He gulps as he watches the way Heechul’s mouth surrounds him. He can’t breathe, can’t move and doesn’t really want to, not now when all he feels is warmth.
He’s moaning, trying to lose himself in the sensation. He throws his head back and he can hide the sobs in his throat with his moans. He knows this isn’t supposed to work this way. He is supposed to be doing something to help Heechul, but he can’t because whenever he closes his eyes he sees Siwon. He can see Siwon’s smile, feel Siwon’s hugs, hear Siwon’s voice telling him that they’re brothers, brother’s forever.
It is unfair, he knows but he can’t help it. He is so lost and it is only Heechul in this moment that is bringing him back. Heechul pulls him back with one more slow run of his tongue and Hankyung can’t think of Siwon because all he can do is come fast and hard.
“Say my name.” Heechul whispers.
“Heechul.” He says.
Siwon, he thinks.
***
The next morning he wakes up to Heechul’s warm body next to him. He turns around and Heechul is awake and watching him. At first he thinks nothing of it, but then he realizes that both of them are naked and tangled together.
“Shit.” He says.
Heechul laughs. “So, I’m guessing you’re going to tell me you were drunk yesterday? That you didn’t know what you were doing?”
Hankyung looks at Heechul and thinks of Siwon.
I think she’s the one hyung.
He looks at Heechul and tries to understand why they did what they did last night. He looks at Heechul and sees that look, that very familiar look. It is the same look he has seen on his own face and it is that look that makes him say what he does.
“I wasn’t drunk.”
They don’t come out of their room until Leeteuk pounds on the door threatening to break the door down. Hankyung slips into his clothes and walks out not bothering to comb his hair. He can tell from the looks on the others faces that they know and he doesn’t look at Siwon.
“Holy shit.” Kangin says. “You and Heechul?”
Hankyung sees the question in Kyuhyun’s eyes, but he doesn’t answer it and it is soon replaced by utter disbelief. Hankyung turns in time to see Heechul come out of their room. Heechul is fully clothed, but his hair is as bad as Hankyung’s and Hankyung knows that one look at the two of them and there is no doubt in anyone’s mind what they were doing.
There can be no doubt especially when Heechul climbs all over his lap and kisses him. Hankyung gives in because he wants to, because it is easier and because when he kisses Heechul it sort of numbs the pain. When they break apart the first person he sees is Siwon. Hankyung can’t tell what that look in his eyes is and he doesn’t want to know.
***
“Why?” Siwon asks later when Heechul is gone to complete his schedule. “Why hyung?”
Hankyung doesn’t know what to say. He knows what Siwon wants to hear, knows what will make it okay in Siwon’s eyes, but he can’t bring himself to say what he doesn’t mean.
“Answer me.” Siwon says his voice less calm this time.
Hankyung says nothing.
“Answer me!”
“Why are you with her?” Hankyung asks finally his voice soft and calm.
“Because I love her.” Siwon says surprised by the question.
Hankyung says nothing.
“Hyung, do you…do you love him?”
No, Hankyung wants to say, no I don’t love him. I love you. He wants to scream it out loud so that everyone can hear him, wants the world to know, wants Siwon to know. He wants it so bad and he knows he can’t have it.
He says nothing once more.
“Oh hyung.” Siwon says misunderstanding the silence. “Hyung, you should have said something. I didn’t know. I should have…should have been there for you. All this time and the kiss. I wouldn’t have done it if I had known.”
“No.” Hankyung says because he doesn’t want Siwon to worry. “No, I haven’t loved him that long.”
“But, you love him now.”
Hankyung says nothing.
Siwon hugs him and Hankyung’s heart leaves him completely.
***
They’re in China when the news about the lawsuit comes out.
A/N: So it's really, really long huh? Yeah, I know. I said one shot and it became a two shot. =/ Who knows how long it'll be tomorrow. This is my test stress reliever okay. And sort of my angst outlet and I don't even know how this happened okay. It just did. So, anyway that was it and I know![[info]](https://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=1)
pjvj10 I know. I don't know exactly what I know but yeah =)
Pairing: onesided!Sihan, onesided!Hanchul
Genre: angst (like woah)
Rating: R
Summary: They're sworn brothers Siwon said. Brothers willing to protect each other, brothers before Super Junior members. Siwon wants friendship and Hankyung didn't even realize when it became more than that.
Note: For
pjvj10 because she is the reason this got written =)A/N: So there I was all happy one day going over my head how much I love SiHan and how awesome Siwon and Hankyung are then wouldn't you know that
pjvj10 came online and started telling me about a fic she wrote. Well, there we go you loser. You said you feel bad for my Heechuls because Hannie's always the innocent one and I worship him. Well just to show you how much influence you have I couldn't stop thinking about that and look! Look! I made my baby a jerk! Well, not so much in this part, but soon. You'll see why =( Hannie's so mean ;_; I feel for Heechul. Happy? lol I love you anyway okay =) Just I hope you read this before you read the fic because I mean it says angst and I don't know if you can do angst because there is no happy ending yet since it's only the first part and I don't even know how I am going to end this yet...okay I'll be quiet now.“We’re sworn brothers right?” Siwon asks one day while they’re waiting for the plane to land.
Hankyung looks at Siwon. The younger man has grown up a lot since they first met. Siwon is no longer small and shy, but tall, imposing, good looking, strong. He has those muscles now, he can act, sing, as for dancing; he’s getting there. Hankyung knows that gone are the days when he would be needed. Siwon even knew Mandarin now. So, it was important for him to hear this, to hear Siwon ask him this.
He has seen Siwon scared, alone and afraid. He has seen Siwon crying for him, caring for him. He was there when Siwon was in China studying and alone. He was there when Siwon needed him, when Siwon told him that they would be together forever. It meant friendship to Siwon, but to Hankyung it meant so much more.
Together forever. That’s what he wanted. He wanted to walk next to Siwon forever, to hear that voice, that laugh, feel those hugs, forever. Siwon didn’t know and Hankyung could never tell him. He didn’t need this now. He knew that hearing Siwon say things like this just gave him false hope, false illusions Heechul called them. But, he loved hearing Siwon say it, loved it since the first time Siwon asked him to be his brother.
“Yes.” He says smiling at Siwon because he knows he could never say no. “Sworn brothers.”
It is Hankyung’s first mistake, saying yes when he should have said no. They’re in China, him, Siwon, Donghae, Henry, Zhou Mi, Ryeowook, and Kyuhyun. They’ve just debuted are on one of their shows and Siwon is sitting next to Hankyung.
“Sworn brothers. It’s an attraction between men.” Siwon says in response to a question. “We’re sworn bothers.”
Hankyung nods when he’s asked. “Yes, sworn brothers.”
He laughs when Siwon says he has nothing that Hankyung ever gave him. But, inside he’s sad. He has never given Siwon anything that he considers important enough to keep in that box in his room. Even when Siwon explains that Hankyung has taken care of him, Hankyung can’t stop that feeling in the back of his heart, that thumping, that hurt, that feeling of incompleteness.
He has never given Siwon anything.
***
“What’s this?” Siwon asks when Hankyung hands over the box.
“It’s a present for you.” Hankyung says knowing perfectly well why his heart is jumping out of his chest like that.
They’re still in China. Actually it’s been two days since they last went on that show where Siwon spoke about not having anything from Hankyung. After the recording Hankyung went out and bought a small crucifix for Siwon, nothing too big, but nothing too small that it would be considered insignificant.
He knows that Siwon has more than enough of those small Christ medals, but he saw it and it just said Siwon to him. It said Siwon and he knew he had to buy it the minute he saw it hanging in that store.
Siwon takes the small box and Hankyung waits anything but patient. Siwon takes his time, removing the paper carefully, sliding off the tape until Hankyung is almost ready to yell at him for it. But, then the box is open and Hankyung watches the expression on Siwon’s face. He can’t read it and it scares him because he can always read Siwon.
“I saw it in the store and it just seemed like something you might like.” Hankyung explains trying to keep calm. “I know you have a lot. I just…well, I just thought that I should get you something. Now, you can’t say you don’t have anything important from me.”
Hankyung tries for a laugh and fails. He waits and then Siwon is laughing and hugging him and Hankyung’s heart has flown out the window.
“Hyung,” Siwon says his Mandarin getting better and better each day. “If I could I would put you in my box. You are the most important gift you have ever given me, your friendship.”
Hankyung smiles. “You’re so cheesy.”
Siwon laughs and hugs him and Hankyung can feel the way his heart is breaking slowly.
Friendship.
***
They’re getting ready to go on Happy Camp. Siwon and Hankyung have been there before and the others have too but Hankyung is still running around trying to prepare them all. He answers Donghae’s questions about greetings. He tells Kyuhyun exactly what to say if he doesn’t understand. He’s even taught Ryeowook some useful phrases.
Once he has made sure that everyone understands what they’re doing, he rushes over to Zhou Mi.
“Please help them.” Hankyung almost begs. “I have to go make sure that Siwon and Henry are ready. They haven’t come out of their rooms yet.”
“Calm down Han Geng.” Zhou Mi says. “I’ll take care of them and I’ll go see Henry. You go and see what’s keeping Siwon. He seemed sort of upset earlier.”
Hankyung nods and thanks the world for Zhou Mi. He’s running down rooms. He knows he’s supposed to have gotten his hair styled but he has to make sure that Siwon is okay. Zhou Mi said he looked upset and Hankyung can’t leave him if he’s upset, no matter what he has to do.
When he gets to Siwon’s room he sees that Siwon is pacing, shirtless.
Hankyung freezes by the door. He tells himself that he’s seen Siwon shirtless countless of times. He’s seen Siwon naked so he should be okay with this. But, he’s not. All that muscled skin. When did Siwon put on so much muscle?
His mind does what Hankyung is afraid it would do. It takes him back to a few nights ago when he and Siwon had to share a room. They were bored, tired and hungry and somehow they agree to have a contest. The first one out of the shower buys the food and beer. Hankyung remembers clearly the way Siwon rushed into the bathroom, flinging clothes aside. He remembers Siwon. Siwon, naked with water running down his back, his shoulders. Siwon.
“Hyung?” Siwon asks finally seeing him. “What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be getting your hair fixed?”
Hankyung laughs cringing at how breathless it sounds. “What are you doing here? Or did you forget that you’re also part of SJM?”
Siwon shrugs and almost looks sheepish. “I can’t get my clothes on. They think I still fit into what I used to wear before. Look at this. If I so much as breathe it’s going to rip. And they wonder why I ripped that last shirt.”
Hankyung smiles to hide the way his heart is thumping. Sworn brothers he tells himself. Sworn brothers. Siwon is just a brother. Siwon just wants to be a brother. This, what Hankyung is feeling, this isn’t what Siwon wants. Siwon needs him as a friend and he has to be able to be that friend.
“Come.” Hankyung says taking the shirt from Siwon’s hands. “I’ll help. It can’t be that bad.”
Siwon rolls his eyes, but hands the shirt over. Hankyung takes it and unbuttons it. He spreads it open and waits while Siwon puts his arms through it. It’s a tight fit and for a second Hankyung is afraid they’re going to have a repeat of the last time, but Siwon manages to get in without too much trouble.
“Alright, now what?” Siwon asks turning.
Hankyung is momentarily speechless and he takes a good look at Siwon with his white shirt hanging open and his hair falling all over his face. Hankyung likes short hair. But, he likes Siwon like this much better. He likes the well-developed muscles Siwon has, the way the shirt hugs in all the right places and Hankyung can’t wait to see what Siwon will look like once he has the shirt closed and the vest over it.
“What?” Siwon asks and Hankyung realizes he has been caught. “Like what you see?”
“Of course.” Hankyung says knowing this game well enough already. “I love it.”
“Then come and get it.” Siwon says with a wink.
Oh he wants to. He has wanted to for so long and it is sweet torture to hear the very words he has dreamt of. But, Siwon is just playing, just joking, just teasing. They are brothers after all.
“Oh that was so gross.” Kyuhyun calls from the door.
Hankyung hadn’t notice him come in. He is on the verge of saying something when suddenly Siwon has both arms around him. He manages to stifle a gasp because this is just another game between them.
“Hankyung.” Siwon whispers, but then stops.
The expression on his face is somewhere between worry and anger. He lets go of Hankyung and Hankyung is both grateful and disappointed. He is grateful because he can now breath without feeling like his heart is going to fall out of his chest. He is disappointed because if he had moved a few centimeters forward…well, it is better not to think of it.
“What is it?” Hankyung asks Kyuhyun.
“Hankyung.” Siwon says again putting a hand under Hankyung’s chin. “Look at me.”
Hankyung does.
“You haven’t been eating again have you? Did you have breakfast?”
Hankyung shakes his head. “There’s no time Siwon. We have to get ready. I have to make sure that everyone is ready.”
“Han Geng.” Siwon says and Hankyung has to give in.
“Alright, but Leeteuk forgets to eat sometimes too.”
“Yes, but Kangin is there to remind him so he never goes without eating for long. You haven’t been eating well since we got here and I haven’t been paying any attention to you. You’re almost as thin as Heechul. Now, go and eat.”
“I am not.” Hankyung protests.
But, Siwon is not listening. He has grabbed his vest and put it on and is out of the door before Hankyung is done talking.
“You should tell him.” Kyuhyun says.
Hankyung doesn’t need Kyuhyun to explain what he’s talking about. He knows. Hankyung knows that Kyuhyun knows because everyone knows. Everyone but Siwon knows. Everyone but the one person that matters.
“I can’t.” Hankyung answers. “I can’t because he’s not ready. He doesn’t need that. He needs a friend and that’s what I’ll give him.”
Kyuhyun sighs, but he’s there hugging Hankyung. Hankyung lets him wondering when he’ll be strong enough to tell Siwon everything.
He remembers that smile the first time he ever saw Siwon. He remembers how Siwon was so shy and quiet, how even though it was hard they understood each other. He remembers how Siwon asked him to come to him if there was ever a problem.
He can remember up to the very second when he first fell for Siwon. It was when Siwon was in China, when they were both in China. Siwon was studying and he was there to represent Super Junior and to take a sort of, but not really, break.
Hankyung remembers how Siwon would come to him wherever he was and lie down next to him. Hankyung would ask him what was wrong in Korean and Siwon would always answer in Mandarin. They’d talk. And talk. And somewhere in the midst of all that talking it became so much more for Hankyung.
He knew something was wrong when Heechul kissed Siwon. He knew something was wrong because for the first time ever he seriously wanted to hurt his best friend. He wanted to pull Heechul away from Siwon, wanted to move, to do something, anything to make it stop. He would have, but when he realized what he was thinking he couldn’t move.
He’d let it go, but found that the more he ignored it, the more it came back. He noticed that he could pinpoint Siwon’s voice in a crowd, knew when Siwon was upset, looked forward to the hug Siwon gave him every time they ran into each other.
When they told him he’d be SJM’s leader he’d been so happy. And now here he was with Kyuhyun wondering why he felt like he was breaking.
***
He was expecting the day to come, he knows it, waiting until the day came. He knew it was coming. He knew from the moment Siwon stopped calling him so often, from the moment Siwon started leaving earlier. They were back in Korea one day when Siwon told him what he had been waiting for.
“I have a girlfriend.”
They were sitting on a bench somewhere near a river. It was a calm day, not a cloud in the sky. Hankyung knows he should be happy, but he isn’t. And still he turns and smiles at Siwon, smiles and laughs and hugs him.
“You found someone who can put up with you?” Hankyung asks.
What he really wants to ask is why Siwon moved so fast? Why he has a girlfriend when they still have years as members of Super Junior? Why he thinks it is okay to tell Hankyung? Why he doesn’t realize that Hankyung doesn’t want to hear this?
“I did.” Siwon laughs. “Just don’t tell the others. I don’t want everyone to know. We’re still pretty new at this. I don’t know if it’s going to work or not.”
“I won’t say anything. I promise.” Hankyung says knowing that deep inside he’s wishing it’ll go wrong.
Siwon smiles that smile that shows off those twin dimples and Hankyung feels bad for wishing his friend bad on his new relationship.
“Thank you so much.” Siwon says putting an arm around Hankyung’s shoulder. “I knew you’d understand. We’re sworn brothers like always.”
“Like always.” Hankyung says.
***
He doesn’t tell anyone what he’s planning. He doesn’t say a word just goes to his lawyer and tells him that he wants to end the contract. He tells him that he’s done with it, tired of it, that he’s not treated well. He says he can’t take it anymore.
But, it’s all a lie.
He can deal with it. He can deal with the pain in his stomach that won’t let him sleep at night. He can deal with the injuries and the lack of sleep. He can deal with the harsh words he sometimes hears. He can deal with it all if it weren’t for Siwon.
Siwon and his girlfriend have been dating for a year now. They’re happy and only Hankyung knows. He has to hear Siwon talk about her, about how much he loves her. He has to hear the care in Siwon’s voice, has to listen to the admiration and he’s tired of it.
He’s tired of hearing Siwon talk about her, look at her that way because he wishes that Siwon would look at him, talk about him that way. He wants to tell Siwon everything, wants to say that he loves him, that he needs him, that he can’t sleep at night knowing that he’s going to lose him.
He says nothing. He listens as Siwon asks what Hankyung thinks of her. Hankyung takes a minute because he already knows what he’s going to say. He has met her, has seen her, has watched her with Siwon. He has been witness to those tender moments between them that have left him feeling so alone. He knows her and he can’t help but like her because she makes Siwon happy.
“I like her.” Hankyung says wishing he didn’t. “I like her for you. She seems nice.”
Siwon smiles. “I’m glad you do. You know that what you think means so much to me.”
So, it’s in his hands then. He has the power to say yes or no?
“I like her.” Hankyung says once more.
“Good.” Siwon says. “Because I think she’s the one hyung. I think it’s her.”
***
He gets drunk that night. Drunk and stupid because he ends up kissing Heechul. Heechul who is drinking with him knows nothing. Hankyung hasn’t told him because Kyuhyun knows and Ryeowook and Zhou Mi and Henry and Donghae and he doesn’t want to share with anyone else. Heechul is his best friend, but he has enough people who know about Siwon already.
He doesn’t even know why he does what he does. He blames it on the alcohol, blames it on the pain he feels, blames it on Siwon for telling him what he did.
He is sitting there listening to Heechul sing one of SNSD’s songs and he suddenly realizes that Heechul has a terrible voice when he’s drunk , that Heechul has very nice lips and that his skin looks so soft. Before he knows it he’s reaching across that small distance on the bed and touching Heechul’s cheek.
He is surprised at the way Heechul melts into his touch and even more surprised when Heechul leans forward. That’s what does it. He moves and suddenly his lips meet Heechul’s. He is surprised by the intensity of the kiss, surprised by the way Heechul kisses him back almost desperately, as if Hankyung is the only thing in the world, as if Hankyung were everything to him.
Hankyung kisses back because that’s what he wants. He wants to be everything, to be cared for, to be loved. He wants it so much it has become a physical pain all around him. He wants Siwon to love him and hold him and kiss him the way Heechul is doing. He wants it and he is afraid. He pulls away and just sits there looking at Heechul and he realizes he’s not as drunk as he thought.
“About time.” Heechul says that smirk on his face.
“Shut up.” Hankyung manages.
He doesn’t know what he’s going to do because he just kissed Heechul and he wants to do it again. He sees in Heechul’s eyes the challenge, the way Heechul is silently daring him to stop, to stop now that they’re this close.
Hankyung leans forward again and kisses Heechul once more, mostly to see if he really wants this.
He does.
Their hands go flying everywhere as they pull clothes off each other. Hankyung’s heart is hurting again, but he can ignore it because suddenly Heechul is there leaning over him completely naked with his long hair falling all over his face and that look in his eyes that says that Hankyung is going to enjoy this.
Hankyung doesn’t know what to make of this, not until he feels Heechul’s hands around him and then he looks up, leaning on his elbows to do so. He catches Heechul’s eyes and he is stuck there watching as Heechul’s mouth moves lower and lower. He gulps as he watches the way Heechul’s mouth surrounds him. He can’t breathe, can’t move and doesn’t really want to, not now when all he feels is warmth.
He’s moaning, trying to lose himself in the sensation. He throws his head back and he can hide the sobs in his throat with his moans. He knows this isn’t supposed to work this way. He is supposed to be doing something to help Heechul, but he can’t because whenever he closes his eyes he sees Siwon. He can see Siwon’s smile, feel Siwon’s hugs, hear Siwon’s voice telling him that they’re brothers, brother’s forever.
It is unfair, he knows but he can’t help it. He is so lost and it is only Heechul in this moment that is bringing him back. Heechul pulls him back with one more slow run of his tongue and Hankyung can’t think of Siwon because all he can do is come fast and hard.
“Say my name.” Heechul whispers.
“Heechul.” He says.
Siwon, he thinks.
***
The next morning he wakes up to Heechul’s warm body next to him. He turns around and Heechul is awake and watching him. At first he thinks nothing of it, but then he realizes that both of them are naked and tangled together.
“Shit.” He says.
Heechul laughs. “So, I’m guessing you’re going to tell me you were drunk yesterday? That you didn’t know what you were doing?”
Hankyung looks at Heechul and thinks of Siwon.
I think she’s the one hyung.
He looks at Heechul and tries to understand why they did what they did last night. He looks at Heechul and sees that look, that very familiar look. It is the same look he has seen on his own face and it is that look that makes him say what he does.
“I wasn’t drunk.”
They don’t come out of their room until Leeteuk pounds on the door threatening to break the door down. Hankyung slips into his clothes and walks out not bothering to comb his hair. He can tell from the looks on the others faces that they know and he doesn’t look at Siwon.
“Holy shit.” Kangin says. “You and Heechul?”
Hankyung sees the question in Kyuhyun’s eyes, but he doesn’t answer it and it is soon replaced by utter disbelief. Hankyung turns in time to see Heechul come out of their room. Heechul is fully clothed, but his hair is as bad as Hankyung’s and Hankyung knows that one look at the two of them and there is no doubt in anyone’s mind what they were doing.
There can be no doubt especially when Heechul climbs all over his lap and kisses him. Hankyung gives in because he wants to, because it is easier and because when he kisses Heechul it sort of numbs the pain. When they break apart the first person he sees is Siwon. Hankyung can’t tell what that look in his eyes is and he doesn’t want to know.
***
“Why?” Siwon asks later when Heechul is gone to complete his schedule. “Why hyung?”
Hankyung doesn’t know what to say. He knows what Siwon wants to hear, knows what will make it okay in Siwon’s eyes, but he can’t bring himself to say what he doesn’t mean.
“Answer me.” Siwon says his voice less calm this time.
Hankyung says nothing.
“Answer me!”
“Why are you with her?” Hankyung asks finally his voice soft and calm.
“Because I love her.” Siwon says surprised by the question.
Hankyung says nothing.
“Hyung, do you…do you love him?”
No, Hankyung wants to say, no I don’t love him. I love you. He wants to scream it out loud so that everyone can hear him, wants the world to know, wants Siwon to know. He wants it so bad and he knows he can’t have it.
He says nothing once more.
“Oh hyung.” Siwon says misunderstanding the silence. “Hyung, you should have said something. I didn’t know. I should have…should have been there for you. All this time and the kiss. I wouldn’t have done it if I had known.”
“No.” Hankyung says because he doesn’t want Siwon to worry. “No, I haven’t loved him that long.”
“But, you love him now.”
Hankyung says nothing.
Siwon hugs him and Hankyung’s heart leaves him completely.
***
They’re in China when the news about the lawsuit comes out.
A/N: So it's really, really long huh? Yeah, I know. I said one shot and it became a two shot. =/ Who knows how long it'll be tomorrow. This is my test stress reliever okay. And sort of my angst outlet and I don't even know how this happened okay. It just did. So, anyway that was it and I know
pjvj10 I know. I don't know exactly what I know but yeah =)
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That is what i will be doing when I get out of that class. I will turn off my phone, ignore my roommate and go to sleep until I can't sleep anymore and then I will wake up go have dinner and sleep. I will wake up tomorrow (Thursday) study for my biology final and I will only sleep if I have to and we will repeat everything again XD
*is showered*
Yay now I can go pass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*hugs you*
<333333333333333
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Wow. Geng sleeps like an angel! Oh good god such perfection ♥
And you really do need some credit for being such an awesome student and writer at the same time. Screw people bb,get some SLEEP! ♥ Thats a demand! ;)
*hugs you back*
Biology will be a snap! With your brains and some inspiration xD
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My poor baby >:|. Oh ana-bb please don’t hurt him that much.
How I feel for him.As much as your gaga over geng I love my chullie just as much.
And seeing him in such a trainwreck is just horrifying! Kyaaaah.
This threeshot is killing me..ill read the last 2 soon enough!
*hugs chullie closer*
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*hugs Geng*
He's suffering too the poor baby. and Siwon for being such a dork.
*hits Siwon and hugs him*