static_abyss (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
static_abyss) wrote2010-12-14 06:16 pm
static_abyss) wrote2010-12-14 06:16 pm
Entry tags:
Sworn Brothers 1/3
Title: Sworn Brothers 1/3
Pairing: onesided!Sihan, onesided!Hanchul
Genre: angst (like woah)
Rating: R
Summary: They're sworn brothers Siwon said. Brothers willing to protect each other, brothers before Super Junior members. Siwon wants friendship and Hankyung didn't even realize when it became more than that.
Note: For![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
pjvj10 because she is the reason this got written =)
A/N: So there I was all happy one day going over my head how much I love SiHan and how awesome Siwon and Hankyung are then wouldn't you know thatpjvj10 came online and started telling me about a fic she wrote. Well, there we go you loser. You said you feel bad for my Heechuls because Hannie's always the innocent one and I worship him. Well just to show you how much influence you have I couldn't stop thinking about that and look! Look! I made my baby a jerk! Well, not so much in this part, but soon. You'll see why =( Hannie's so mean ;_; I feel for Heechul. Happy? lol I love you anyway okay =) Just I hope you read this before you read the fic because I mean it says angst and I don't know if you can do angst because there is no happy ending yet since it's only the first part and I don't even know how I am going to end this yet...okay I'll be quiet now.
“We’re sworn brothers right?” Siwon asks one day while they’re waiting for the plane to land.
Hankyung looks at Siwon. The younger man has grown up a lot since they first met. Siwon is no longer small and shy, but tall, imposing, good looking, strong. He has those muscles now, he can act, sing, as for dancing; he’s getting there. Hankyung knows that gone are the days when he would be needed. Siwon even knew Mandarin now. So, it was important for him to hear this, to hear Siwon ask him this.
He has seen Siwon scared, alone and afraid. He has seen Siwon crying for him, caring for him. He was there when Siwon was in China studying and alone. He was there when Siwon needed him, when Siwon told him that they would be together forever. It meant friendship to Siwon, but to Hankyung it meant so much more.
Together forever. That’s what he wanted. He wanted to walk next to Siwon forever, to hear that voice, that laugh, feel those hugs, forever. Siwon didn’t know and Hankyung could never tell him. He didn’t need this now. He knew that hearing Siwon say things like this just gave him false hope, false illusions Heechul called them. But, he loved hearing Siwon say it, loved it since the first time Siwon asked him to be his brother.
“Yes.” He says smiling at Siwon because he knows he could never say no. “Sworn brothers.”
It is Hankyung’s first mistake, saying yes when he should have said no. They’re in China, him, Siwon, Donghae, Henry, Zhou Mi, Ryeowook, and Kyuhyun. They’ve just debuted are on one of their shows and Siwon is sitting next to Hankyung.
“Sworn brothers. It’s an attraction between men.” Siwon says in response to a question. “We’re sworn bothers.”
Hankyung nods when he’s asked. “Yes, sworn brothers.”
He laughs when Siwon says he has nothing that Hankyung ever gave him. But, inside he’s sad. He has never given Siwon anything that he considers important enough to keep in that box in his room. Even when Siwon explains that Hankyung has taken care of him, Hankyung can’t stop that feeling in the back of his heart, that thumping, that hurt, that feeling of incompleteness.
He has never given Siwon anything.
***
“What’s this?” Siwon asks when Hankyung hands over the box.
“It’s a present for you.” Hankyung says knowing perfectly well why his heart is jumping out of his chest like that.
They’re still in China. Actually it’s been two days since they last went on that show where Siwon spoke about not having anything from Hankyung. After the recording Hankyung went out and bought a small crucifix for Siwon, nothing too big, but nothing too small that it would be considered insignificant.
He knows that Siwon has more than enough of those small Christ medals, but he saw it and it just said Siwon to him. It said Siwon and he knew he had to buy it the minute he saw it hanging in that store.
Siwon takes the small box and Hankyung waits anything but patient. Siwon takes his time, removing the paper carefully, sliding off the tape until Hankyung is almost ready to yell at him for it. But, then the box is open and Hankyung watches the expression on Siwon’s face. He can’t read it and it scares him because he can always read Siwon.
“I saw it in the store and it just seemed like something you might like.” Hankyung explains trying to keep calm. “I know you have a lot. I just…well, I just thought that I should get you something. Now, you can’t say you don’t have anything important from me.”
Hankyung tries for a laugh and fails. He waits and then Siwon is laughing and hugging him and Hankyung’s heart has flown out the window.
“Hyung,” Siwon says his Mandarin getting better and better each day. “If I could I would put you in my box. You are the most important gift you have ever given me, your friendship.”
Hankyung smiles. “You’re so cheesy.”
Siwon laughs and hugs him and Hankyung can feel the way his heart is breaking slowly.
Friendship.
***
They’re getting ready to go on Happy Camp. Siwon and Hankyung have been there before and the others have too but Hankyung is still running around trying to prepare them all. He answers Donghae’s questions about greetings. He tells Kyuhyun exactly what to say if he doesn’t understand. He’s even taught Ryeowook some useful phrases.
Once he has made sure that everyone understands what they’re doing, he rushes over to Zhou Mi.
“Please help them.” Hankyung almost begs. “I have to go make sure that Siwon and Henry are ready. They haven’t come out of their rooms yet.”
“Calm down Han Geng.” Zhou Mi says. “I’ll take care of them and I’ll go see Henry. You go and see what’s keeping Siwon. He seemed sort of upset earlier.”
Hankyung nods and thanks the world for Zhou Mi. He’s running down rooms. He knows he’s supposed to have gotten his hair styled but he has to make sure that Siwon is okay. Zhou Mi said he looked upset and Hankyung can’t leave him if he’s upset, no matter what he has to do.
When he gets to Siwon’s room he sees that Siwon is pacing, shirtless.
Hankyung freezes by the door. He tells himself that he’s seen Siwon shirtless countless of times. He’s seen Siwon naked so he should be okay with this. But, he’s not. All that muscled skin. When did Siwon put on so much muscle?
His mind does what Hankyung is afraid it would do. It takes him back to a few nights ago when he and Siwon had to share a room. They were bored, tired and hungry and somehow they agree to have a contest. The first one out of the shower buys the food and beer. Hankyung remembers clearly the way Siwon rushed into the bathroom, flinging clothes aside. He remembers Siwon. Siwon, naked with water running down his back, his shoulders. Siwon.
“Hyung?” Siwon asks finally seeing him. “What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be getting your hair fixed?”
Hankyung laughs cringing at how breathless it sounds. “What are you doing here? Or did you forget that you’re also part of SJM?”
Siwon shrugs and almost looks sheepish. “I can’t get my clothes on. They think I still fit into what I used to wear before. Look at this. If I so much as breathe it’s going to rip. And they wonder why I ripped that last shirt.”
Hankyung smiles to hide the way his heart is thumping. Sworn brothers he tells himself. Sworn brothers. Siwon is just a brother. Siwon just wants to be a brother. This, what Hankyung is feeling, this isn’t what Siwon wants. Siwon needs him as a friend and he has to be able to be that friend.
“Come.” Hankyung says taking the shirt from Siwon’s hands. “I’ll help. It can’t be that bad.”
Siwon rolls his eyes, but hands the shirt over. Hankyung takes it and unbuttons it. He spreads it open and waits while Siwon puts his arms through it. It’s a tight fit and for a second Hankyung is afraid they’re going to have a repeat of the last time, but Siwon manages to get in without too much trouble.
“Alright, now what?” Siwon asks turning.
Hankyung is momentarily speechless and he takes a good look at Siwon with his white shirt hanging open and his hair falling all over his face. Hankyung likes short hair. But, he likes Siwon like this much better. He likes the well-developed muscles Siwon has, the way the shirt hugs in all the right places and Hankyung can’t wait to see what Siwon will look like once he has the shirt closed and the vest over it.
“What?” Siwon asks and Hankyung realizes he has been caught. “Like what you see?”
“Of course.” Hankyung says knowing this game well enough already. “I love it.”
“Then come and get it.” Siwon says with a wink.
Oh he wants to. He has wanted to for so long and it is sweet torture to hear the very words he has dreamt of. But, Siwon is just playing, just joking, just teasing. They are brothers after all.
“Oh that was so gross.” Kyuhyun calls from the door.
Hankyung hadn’t notice him come in. He is on the verge of saying something when suddenly Siwon has both arms around him. He manages to stifle a gasp because this is just another game between them.
“Hankyung.” Siwon whispers, but then stops.
The expression on his face is somewhere between worry and anger. He lets go of Hankyung and Hankyung is both grateful and disappointed. He is grateful because he can now breath without feeling like his heart is going to fall out of his chest. He is disappointed because if he had moved a few centimeters forward…well, it is better not to think of it.
“What is it?” Hankyung asks Kyuhyun.
“Hankyung.” Siwon says again putting a hand under Hankyung’s chin. “Look at me.”
Hankyung does.
“You haven’t been eating again have you? Did you have breakfast?”
Hankyung shakes his head. “There’s no time Siwon. We have to get ready. I have to make sure that everyone is ready.”
“Han Geng.” Siwon says and Hankyung has to give in.
“Alright, but Leeteuk forgets to eat sometimes too.”
“Yes, but Kangin is there to remind him so he never goes without eating for long. You haven’t been eating well since we got here and I haven’t been paying any attention to you. You’re almost as thin as Heechul. Now, go and eat.”
“I am not.” Hankyung protests.
But, Siwon is not listening. He has grabbed his vest and put it on and is out of the door before Hankyung is done talking.
“You should tell him.” Kyuhyun says.
Hankyung doesn’t need Kyuhyun to explain what he’s talking about. He knows. Hankyung knows that Kyuhyun knows because everyone knows. Everyone but Siwon knows. Everyone but the one person that matters.
“I can’t.” Hankyung answers. “I can’t because he’s not ready. He doesn’t need that. He needs a friend and that’s what I’ll give him.”
Kyuhyun sighs, but he’s there hugging Hankyung. Hankyung lets him wondering when he’ll be strong enough to tell Siwon everything.
He remembers that smile the first time he ever saw Siwon. He remembers how Siwon was so shy and quiet, how even though it was hard they understood each other. He remembers how Siwon asked him to come to him if there was ever a problem.
He can remember up to the very second when he first fell for Siwon. It was when Siwon was in China, when they were both in China. Siwon was studying and he was there to represent Super Junior and to take a sort of, but not really, break.
Hankyung remembers how Siwon would come to him wherever he was and lie down next to him. Hankyung would ask him what was wrong in Korean and Siwon would always answer in Mandarin. They’d talk. And talk. And somewhere in the midst of all that talking it became so much more for Hankyung.
He knew something was wrong when Heechul kissed Siwon. He knew something was wrong because for the first time ever he seriously wanted to hurt his best friend. He wanted to pull Heechul away from Siwon, wanted to move, to do something, anything to make it stop. He would have, but when he realized what he was thinking he couldn’t move.
He’d let it go, but found that the more he ignored it, the more it came back. He noticed that he could pinpoint Siwon’s voice in a crowd, knew when Siwon was upset, looked forward to the hug Siwon gave him every time they ran into each other.
When they told him he’d be SJM’s leader he’d been so happy. And now here he was with Kyuhyun wondering why he felt like he was breaking.
***
He was expecting the day to come, he knows it, waiting until the day came. He knew it was coming. He knew from the moment Siwon stopped calling him so often, from the moment Siwon started leaving earlier. They were back in Korea one day when Siwon told him what he had been waiting for.
“I have a girlfriend.”
They were sitting on a bench somewhere near a river. It was a calm day, not a cloud in the sky. Hankyung knows he should be happy, but he isn’t. And still he turns and smiles at Siwon, smiles and laughs and hugs him.
“You found someone who can put up with you?” Hankyung asks.
What he really wants to ask is why Siwon moved so fast? Why he has a girlfriend when they still have years as members of Super Junior? Why he thinks it is okay to tell Hankyung? Why he doesn’t realize that Hankyung doesn’t want to hear this?
“I did.” Siwon laughs. “Just don’t tell the others. I don’t want everyone to know. We’re still pretty new at this. I don’t know if it’s going to work or not.”
“I won’t say anything. I promise.” Hankyung says knowing that deep inside he’s wishing it’ll go wrong.
Siwon smiles that smile that shows off those twin dimples and Hankyung feels bad for wishing his friend bad on his new relationship.
“Thank you so much.” Siwon says putting an arm around Hankyung’s shoulder. “I knew you’d understand. We’re sworn brothers like always.”
“Like always.” Hankyung says.
***
He doesn’t tell anyone what he’s planning. He doesn’t say a word just goes to his lawyer and tells him that he wants to end the contract. He tells him that he’s done with it, tired of it, that he’s not treated well. He says he can’t take it anymore.
But, it’s all a lie.
He can deal with it. He can deal with the pain in his stomach that won’t let him sleep at night. He can deal with the injuries and the lack of sleep. He can deal with the harsh words he sometimes hears. He can deal with it all if it weren’t for Siwon.
Siwon and his girlfriend have been dating for a year now. They’re happy and only Hankyung knows. He has to hear Siwon talk about her, about how much he loves her. He has to hear the care in Siwon’s voice, has to listen to the admiration and he’s tired of it.
He’s tired of hearing Siwon talk about her, look at her that way because he wishes that Siwon would look at him, talk about him that way. He wants to tell Siwon everything, wants to say that he loves him, that he needs him, that he can’t sleep at night knowing that he’s going to lose him.
He says nothing. He listens as Siwon asks what Hankyung thinks of her. Hankyung takes a minute because he already knows what he’s going to say. He has met her, has seen her, has watched her with Siwon. He has been witness to those tender moments between them that have left him feeling so alone. He knows her and he can’t help but like her because she makes Siwon happy.
“I like her.” Hankyung says wishing he didn’t. “I like her for you. She seems nice.”
Siwon smiles. “I’m glad you do. You know that what you think means so much to me.”
So, it’s in his hands then. He has the power to say yes or no?
“I like her.” Hankyung says once more.
“Good.” Siwon says. “Because I think she’s the one hyung. I think it’s her.”
***
He gets drunk that night. Drunk and stupid because he ends up kissing Heechul. Heechul who is drinking with him knows nothing. Hankyung hasn’t told him because Kyuhyun knows and Ryeowook and Zhou Mi and Henry and Donghae and he doesn’t want to share with anyone else. Heechul is his best friend, but he has enough people who know about Siwon already.
He doesn’t even know why he does what he does. He blames it on the alcohol, blames it on the pain he feels, blames it on Siwon for telling him what he did.
He is sitting there listening to Heechul sing one of SNSD’s songs and he suddenly realizes that Heechul has a terrible voice when he’s drunk , that Heechul has very nice lips and that his skin looks so soft. Before he knows it he’s reaching across that small distance on the bed and touching Heechul’s cheek.
He is surprised at the way Heechul melts into his touch and even more surprised when Heechul leans forward. That’s what does it. He moves and suddenly his lips meet Heechul’s. He is surprised by the intensity of the kiss, surprised by the way Heechul kisses him back almost desperately, as if Hankyung is the only thing in the world, as if Hankyung were everything to him.
Hankyung kisses back because that’s what he wants. He wants to be everything, to be cared for, to be loved. He wants it so much it has become a physical pain all around him. He wants Siwon to love him and hold him and kiss him the way Heechul is doing. He wants it and he is afraid. He pulls away and just sits there looking at Heechul and he realizes he’s not as drunk as he thought.
“About time.” Heechul says that smirk on his face.
“Shut up.” Hankyung manages.
He doesn’t know what he’s going to do because he just kissed Heechul and he wants to do it again. He sees in Heechul’s eyes the challenge, the way Heechul is silently daring him to stop, to stop now that they’re this close.
Hankyung leans forward again and kisses Heechul once more, mostly to see if he really wants this.
He does.
Their hands go flying everywhere as they pull clothes off each other. Hankyung’s heart is hurting again, but he can ignore it because suddenly Heechul is there leaning over him completely naked with his long hair falling all over his face and that look in his eyes that says that Hankyung is going to enjoy this.
Hankyung doesn’t know what to make of this, not until he feels Heechul’s hands around him and then he looks up, leaning on his elbows to do so. He catches Heechul’s eyes and he is stuck there watching as Heechul’s mouth moves lower and lower. He gulps as he watches the way Heechul’s mouth surrounds him. He can’t breathe, can’t move and doesn’t really want to, not now when all he feels is warmth.
He’s moaning, trying to lose himself in the sensation. He throws his head back and he can hide the sobs in his throat with his moans. He knows this isn’t supposed to work this way. He is supposed to be doing something to help Heechul, but he can’t because whenever he closes his eyes he sees Siwon. He can see Siwon’s smile, feel Siwon’s hugs, hear Siwon’s voice telling him that they’re brothers, brother’s forever.
It is unfair, he knows but he can’t help it. He is so lost and it is only Heechul in this moment that is bringing him back. Heechul pulls him back with one more slow run of his tongue and Hankyung can’t think of Siwon because all he can do is come fast and hard.
“Say my name.” Heechul whispers.
“Heechul.” He says.
Siwon, he thinks.
***
The next morning he wakes up to Heechul’s warm body next to him. He turns around and Heechul is awake and watching him. At first he thinks nothing of it, but then he realizes that both of them are naked and tangled together.
“Shit.” He says.
Heechul laughs. “So, I’m guessing you’re going to tell me you were drunk yesterday? That you didn’t know what you were doing?”
Hankyung looks at Heechul and thinks of Siwon.
I think she’s the one hyung.
He looks at Heechul and tries to understand why they did what they did last night. He looks at Heechul and sees that look, that very familiar look. It is the same look he has seen on his own face and it is that look that makes him say what he does.
“I wasn’t drunk.”
They don’t come out of their room until Leeteuk pounds on the door threatening to break the door down. Hankyung slips into his clothes and walks out not bothering to comb his hair. He can tell from the looks on the others faces that they know and he doesn’t look at Siwon.
“Holy shit.” Kangin says. “You and Heechul?”
Hankyung sees the question in Kyuhyun’s eyes, but he doesn’t answer it and it is soon replaced by utter disbelief. Hankyung turns in time to see Heechul come out of their room. Heechul is fully clothed, but his hair is as bad as Hankyung’s and Hankyung knows that one look at the two of them and there is no doubt in anyone’s mind what they were doing.
There can be no doubt especially when Heechul climbs all over his lap and kisses him. Hankyung gives in because he wants to, because it is easier and because when he kisses Heechul it sort of numbs the pain. When they break apart the first person he sees is Siwon. Hankyung can’t tell what that look in his eyes is and he doesn’t want to know.
***
“Why?” Siwon asks later when Heechul is gone to complete his schedule. “Why hyung?”
Hankyung doesn’t know what to say. He knows what Siwon wants to hear, knows what will make it okay in Siwon’s eyes, but he can’t bring himself to say what he doesn’t mean.
“Answer me.” Siwon says his voice less calm this time.
Hankyung says nothing.
“Answer me!”
“Why are you with her?” Hankyung asks finally his voice soft and calm.
“Because I love her.” Siwon says surprised by the question.
Hankyung says nothing.
“Hyung, do you…do you love him?”
No, Hankyung wants to say, no I don’t love him. I love you. He wants to scream it out loud so that everyone can hear him, wants the world to know, wants Siwon to know. He wants it so bad and he knows he can’t have it.
He says nothing once more.
“Oh hyung.” Siwon says misunderstanding the silence. “Hyung, you should have said something. I didn’t know. I should have…should have been there for you. All this time and the kiss. I wouldn’t have done it if I had known.”
“No.” Hankyung says because he doesn’t want Siwon to worry. “No, I haven’t loved him that long.”
“But, you love him now.”
Hankyung says nothing.
Siwon hugs him and Hankyung’s heart leaves him completely.
***
They’re in China when the news about the lawsuit comes out.
A/N: So it's really, really long huh? Yeah, I know. I said one shot and it became a two shot. =/ Who knows how long it'll be tomorrow. This is my test stress reliever okay. And sort of my angst outlet and I don't even know how this happened okay. It just did. So, anyway that was it and I know![[info]](https://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=1)
pjvj10 I know. I don't know exactly what I know but yeah =)
Pairing: onesided!Sihan, onesided!Hanchul
Genre: angst (like woah)
Rating: R
Summary: They're sworn brothers Siwon said. Brothers willing to protect each other, brothers before Super Junior members. Siwon wants friendship and Hankyung didn't even realize when it became more than that.
Note: For
pjvj10 because she is the reason this got written =)A/N: So there I was all happy one day going over my head how much I love SiHan and how awesome Siwon and Hankyung are then wouldn't you know that
pjvj10 came online and started telling me about a fic she wrote. Well, there we go you loser. You said you feel bad for my Heechuls because Hannie's always the innocent one and I worship him. Well just to show you how much influence you have I couldn't stop thinking about that and look! Look! I made my baby a jerk! Well, not so much in this part, but soon. You'll see why =( Hannie's so mean ;_; I feel for Heechul. Happy? lol I love you anyway okay =) Just I hope you read this before you read the fic because I mean it says angst and I don't know if you can do angst because there is no happy ending yet since it's only the first part and I don't even know how I am going to end this yet...okay I'll be quiet now.“We’re sworn brothers right?” Siwon asks one day while they’re waiting for the plane to land.
Hankyung looks at Siwon. The younger man has grown up a lot since they first met. Siwon is no longer small and shy, but tall, imposing, good looking, strong. He has those muscles now, he can act, sing, as for dancing; he’s getting there. Hankyung knows that gone are the days when he would be needed. Siwon even knew Mandarin now. So, it was important for him to hear this, to hear Siwon ask him this.
He has seen Siwon scared, alone and afraid. He has seen Siwon crying for him, caring for him. He was there when Siwon was in China studying and alone. He was there when Siwon needed him, when Siwon told him that they would be together forever. It meant friendship to Siwon, but to Hankyung it meant so much more.
Together forever. That’s what he wanted. He wanted to walk next to Siwon forever, to hear that voice, that laugh, feel those hugs, forever. Siwon didn’t know and Hankyung could never tell him. He didn’t need this now. He knew that hearing Siwon say things like this just gave him false hope, false illusions Heechul called them. But, he loved hearing Siwon say it, loved it since the first time Siwon asked him to be his brother.
“Yes.” He says smiling at Siwon because he knows he could never say no. “Sworn brothers.”
It is Hankyung’s first mistake, saying yes when he should have said no. They’re in China, him, Siwon, Donghae, Henry, Zhou Mi, Ryeowook, and Kyuhyun. They’ve just debuted are on one of their shows and Siwon is sitting next to Hankyung.
“Sworn brothers. It’s an attraction between men.” Siwon says in response to a question. “We’re sworn bothers.”
Hankyung nods when he’s asked. “Yes, sworn brothers.”
He laughs when Siwon says he has nothing that Hankyung ever gave him. But, inside he’s sad. He has never given Siwon anything that he considers important enough to keep in that box in his room. Even when Siwon explains that Hankyung has taken care of him, Hankyung can’t stop that feeling in the back of his heart, that thumping, that hurt, that feeling of incompleteness.
He has never given Siwon anything.
***
“What’s this?” Siwon asks when Hankyung hands over the box.
“It’s a present for you.” Hankyung says knowing perfectly well why his heart is jumping out of his chest like that.
They’re still in China. Actually it’s been two days since they last went on that show where Siwon spoke about not having anything from Hankyung. After the recording Hankyung went out and bought a small crucifix for Siwon, nothing too big, but nothing too small that it would be considered insignificant.
He knows that Siwon has more than enough of those small Christ medals, but he saw it and it just said Siwon to him. It said Siwon and he knew he had to buy it the minute he saw it hanging in that store.
Siwon takes the small box and Hankyung waits anything but patient. Siwon takes his time, removing the paper carefully, sliding off the tape until Hankyung is almost ready to yell at him for it. But, then the box is open and Hankyung watches the expression on Siwon’s face. He can’t read it and it scares him because he can always read Siwon.
“I saw it in the store and it just seemed like something you might like.” Hankyung explains trying to keep calm. “I know you have a lot. I just…well, I just thought that I should get you something. Now, you can’t say you don’t have anything important from me.”
Hankyung tries for a laugh and fails. He waits and then Siwon is laughing and hugging him and Hankyung’s heart has flown out the window.
“Hyung,” Siwon says his Mandarin getting better and better each day. “If I could I would put you in my box. You are the most important gift you have ever given me, your friendship.”
Hankyung smiles. “You’re so cheesy.”
Siwon laughs and hugs him and Hankyung can feel the way his heart is breaking slowly.
Friendship.
***
They’re getting ready to go on Happy Camp. Siwon and Hankyung have been there before and the others have too but Hankyung is still running around trying to prepare them all. He answers Donghae’s questions about greetings. He tells Kyuhyun exactly what to say if he doesn’t understand. He’s even taught Ryeowook some useful phrases.
Once he has made sure that everyone understands what they’re doing, he rushes over to Zhou Mi.
“Please help them.” Hankyung almost begs. “I have to go make sure that Siwon and Henry are ready. They haven’t come out of their rooms yet.”
“Calm down Han Geng.” Zhou Mi says. “I’ll take care of them and I’ll go see Henry. You go and see what’s keeping Siwon. He seemed sort of upset earlier.”
Hankyung nods and thanks the world for Zhou Mi. He’s running down rooms. He knows he’s supposed to have gotten his hair styled but he has to make sure that Siwon is okay. Zhou Mi said he looked upset and Hankyung can’t leave him if he’s upset, no matter what he has to do.
When he gets to Siwon’s room he sees that Siwon is pacing, shirtless.
Hankyung freezes by the door. He tells himself that he’s seen Siwon shirtless countless of times. He’s seen Siwon naked so he should be okay with this. But, he’s not. All that muscled skin. When did Siwon put on so much muscle?
His mind does what Hankyung is afraid it would do. It takes him back to a few nights ago when he and Siwon had to share a room. They were bored, tired and hungry and somehow they agree to have a contest. The first one out of the shower buys the food and beer. Hankyung remembers clearly the way Siwon rushed into the bathroom, flinging clothes aside. He remembers Siwon. Siwon, naked with water running down his back, his shoulders. Siwon.
“Hyung?” Siwon asks finally seeing him. “What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be getting your hair fixed?”
Hankyung laughs cringing at how breathless it sounds. “What are you doing here? Or did you forget that you’re also part of SJM?”
Siwon shrugs and almost looks sheepish. “I can’t get my clothes on. They think I still fit into what I used to wear before. Look at this. If I so much as breathe it’s going to rip. And they wonder why I ripped that last shirt.”
Hankyung smiles to hide the way his heart is thumping. Sworn brothers he tells himself. Sworn brothers. Siwon is just a brother. Siwon just wants to be a brother. This, what Hankyung is feeling, this isn’t what Siwon wants. Siwon needs him as a friend and he has to be able to be that friend.
“Come.” Hankyung says taking the shirt from Siwon’s hands. “I’ll help. It can’t be that bad.”
Siwon rolls his eyes, but hands the shirt over. Hankyung takes it and unbuttons it. He spreads it open and waits while Siwon puts his arms through it. It’s a tight fit and for a second Hankyung is afraid they’re going to have a repeat of the last time, but Siwon manages to get in without too much trouble.
“Alright, now what?” Siwon asks turning.
Hankyung is momentarily speechless and he takes a good look at Siwon with his white shirt hanging open and his hair falling all over his face. Hankyung likes short hair. But, he likes Siwon like this much better. He likes the well-developed muscles Siwon has, the way the shirt hugs in all the right places and Hankyung can’t wait to see what Siwon will look like once he has the shirt closed and the vest over it.
“What?” Siwon asks and Hankyung realizes he has been caught. “Like what you see?”
“Of course.” Hankyung says knowing this game well enough already. “I love it.”
“Then come and get it.” Siwon says with a wink.
Oh he wants to. He has wanted to for so long and it is sweet torture to hear the very words he has dreamt of. But, Siwon is just playing, just joking, just teasing. They are brothers after all.
“Oh that was so gross.” Kyuhyun calls from the door.
Hankyung hadn’t notice him come in. He is on the verge of saying something when suddenly Siwon has both arms around him. He manages to stifle a gasp because this is just another game between them.
“Hankyung.” Siwon whispers, but then stops.
The expression on his face is somewhere between worry and anger. He lets go of Hankyung and Hankyung is both grateful and disappointed. He is grateful because he can now breath without feeling like his heart is going to fall out of his chest. He is disappointed because if he had moved a few centimeters forward…well, it is better not to think of it.
“What is it?” Hankyung asks Kyuhyun.
“Hankyung.” Siwon says again putting a hand under Hankyung’s chin. “Look at me.”
Hankyung does.
“You haven’t been eating again have you? Did you have breakfast?”
Hankyung shakes his head. “There’s no time Siwon. We have to get ready. I have to make sure that everyone is ready.”
“Han Geng.” Siwon says and Hankyung has to give in.
“Alright, but Leeteuk forgets to eat sometimes too.”
“Yes, but Kangin is there to remind him so he never goes without eating for long. You haven’t been eating well since we got here and I haven’t been paying any attention to you. You’re almost as thin as Heechul. Now, go and eat.”
“I am not.” Hankyung protests.
But, Siwon is not listening. He has grabbed his vest and put it on and is out of the door before Hankyung is done talking.
“You should tell him.” Kyuhyun says.
Hankyung doesn’t need Kyuhyun to explain what he’s talking about. He knows. Hankyung knows that Kyuhyun knows because everyone knows. Everyone but Siwon knows. Everyone but the one person that matters.
“I can’t.” Hankyung answers. “I can’t because he’s not ready. He doesn’t need that. He needs a friend and that’s what I’ll give him.”
Kyuhyun sighs, but he’s there hugging Hankyung. Hankyung lets him wondering when he’ll be strong enough to tell Siwon everything.
He remembers that smile the first time he ever saw Siwon. He remembers how Siwon was so shy and quiet, how even though it was hard they understood each other. He remembers how Siwon asked him to come to him if there was ever a problem.
He can remember up to the very second when he first fell for Siwon. It was when Siwon was in China, when they were both in China. Siwon was studying and he was there to represent Super Junior and to take a sort of, but not really, break.
Hankyung remembers how Siwon would come to him wherever he was and lie down next to him. Hankyung would ask him what was wrong in Korean and Siwon would always answer in Mandarin. They’d talk. And talk. And somewhere in the midst of all that talking it became so much more for Hankyung.
He knew something was wrong when Heechul kissed Siwon. He knew something was wrong because for the first time ever he seriously wanted to hurt his best friend. He wanted to pull Heechul away from Siwon, wanted to move, to do something, anything to make it stop. He would have, but when he realized what he was thinking he couldn’t move.
He’d let it go, but found that the more he ignored it, the more it came back. He noticed that he could pinpoint Siwon’s voice in a crowd, knew when Siwon was upset, looked forward to the hug Siwon gave him every time they ran into each other.
When they told him he’d be SJM’s leader he’d been so happy. And now here he was with Kyuhyun wondering why he felt like he was breaking.
***
He was expecting the day to come, he knows it, waiting until the day came. He knew it was coming. He knew from the moment Siwon stopped calling him so often, from the moment Siwon started leaving earlier. They were back in Korea one day when Siwon told him what he had been waiting for.
“I have a girlfriend.”
They were sitting on a bench somewhere near a river. It was a calm day, not a cloud in the sky. Hankyung knows he should be happy, but he isn’t. And still he turns and smiles at Siwon, smiles and laughs and hugs him.
“You found someone who can put up with you?” Hankyung asks.
What he really wants to ask is why Siwon moved so fast? Why he has a girlfriend when they still have years as members of Super Junior? Why he thinks it is okay to tell Hankyung? Why he doesn’t realize that Hankyung doesn’t want to hear this?
“I did.” Siwon laughs. “Just don’t tell the others. I don’t want everyone to know. We’re still pretty new at this. I don’t know if it’s going to work or not.”
“I won’t say anything. I promise.” Hankyung says knowing that deep inside he’s wishing it’ll go wrong.
Siwon smiles that smile that shows off those twin dimples and Hankyung feels bad for wishing his friend bad on his new relationship.
“Thank you so much.” Siwon says putting an arm around Hankyung’s shoulder. “I knew you’d understand. We’re sworn brothers like always.”
“Like always.” Hankyung says.
***
He doesn’t tell anyone what he’s planning. He doesn’t say a word just goes to his lawyer and tells him that he wants to end the contract. He tells him that he’s done with it, tired of it, that he’s not treated well. He says he can’t take it anymore.
But, it’s all a lie.
He can deal with it. He can deal with the pain in his stomach that won’t let him sleep at night. He can deal with the injuries and the lack of sleep. He can deal with the harsh words he sometimes hears. He can deal with it all if it weren’t for Siwon.
Siwon and his girlfriend have been dating for a year now. They’re happy and only Hankyung knows. He has to hear Siwon talk about her, about how much he loves her. He has to hear the care in Siwon’s voice, has to listen to the admiration and he’s tired of it.
He’s tired of hearing Siwon talk about her, look at her that way because he wishes that Siwon would look at him, talk about him that way. He wants to tell Siwon everything, wants to say that he loves him, that he needs him, that he can’t sleep at night knowing that he’s going to lose him.
He says nothing. He listens as Siwon asks what Hankyung thinks of her. Hankyung takes a minute because he already knows what he’s going to say. He has met her, has seen her, has watched her with Siwon. He has been witness to those tender moments between them that have left him feeling so alone. He knows her and he can’t help but like her because she makes Siwon happy.
“I like her.” Hankyung says wishing he didn’t. “I like her for you. She seems nice.”
Siwon smiles. “I’m glad you do. You know that what you think means so much to me.”
So, it’s in his hands then. He has the power to say yes or no?
“I like her.” Hankyung says once more.
“Good.” Siwon says. “Because I think she’s the one hyung. I think it’s her.”
***
He gets drunk that night. Drunk and stupid because he ends up kissing Heechul. Heechul who is drinking with him knows nothing. Hankyung hasn’t told him because Kyuhyun knows and Ryeowook and Zhou Mi and Henry and Donghae and he doesn’t want to share with anyone else. Heechul is his best friend, but he has enough people who know about Siwon already.
He doesn’t even know why he does what he does. He blames it on the alcohol, blames it on the pain he feels, blames it on Siwon for telling him what he did.
He is sitting there listening to Heechul sing one of SNSD’s songs and he suddenly realizes that Heechul has a terrible voice when he’s drunk , that Heechul has very nice lips and that his skin looks so soft. Before he knows it he’s reaching across that small distance on the bed and touching Heechul’s cheek.
He is surprised at the way Heechul melts into his touch and even more surprised when Heechul leans forward. That’s what does it. He moves and suddenly his lips meet Heechul’s. He is surprised by the intensity of the kiss, surprised by the way Heechul kisses him back almost desperately, as if Hankyung is the only thing in the world, as if Hankyung were everything to him.
Hankyung kisses back because that’s what he wants. He wants to be everything, to be cared for, to be loved. He wants it so much it has become a physical pain all around him. He wants Siwon to love him and hold him and kiss him the way Heechul is doing. He wants it and he is afraid. He pulls away and just sits there looking at Heechul and he realizes he’s not as drunk as he thought.
“About time.” Heechul says that smirk on his face.
“Shut up.” Hankyung manages.
He doesn’t know what he’s going to do because he just kissed Heechul and he wants to do it again. He sees in Heechul’s eyes the challenge, the way Heechul is silently daring him to stop, to stop now that they’re this close.
Hankyung leans forward again and kisses Heechul once more, mostly to see if he really wants this.
He does.
Their hands go flying everywhere as they pull clothes off each other. Hankyung’s heart is hurting again, but he can ignore it because suddenly Heechul is there leaning over him completely naked with his long hair falling all over his face and that look in his eyes that says that Hankyung is going to enjoy this.
Hankyung doesn’t know what to make of this, not until he feels Heechul’s hands around him and then he looks up, leaning on his elbows to do so. He catches Heechul’s eyes and he is stuck there watching as Heechul’s mouth moves lower and lower. He gulps as he watches the way Heechul’s mouth surrounds him. He can’t breathe, can’t move and doesn’t really want to, not now when all he feels is warmth.
He’s moaning, trying to lose himself in the sensation. He throws his head back and he can hide the sobs in his throat with his moans. He knows this isn’t supposed to work this way. He is supposed to be doing something to help Heechul, but he can’t because whenever he closes his eyes he sees Siwon. He can see Siwon’s smile, feel Siwon’s hugs, hear Siwon’s voice telling him that they’re brothers, brother’s forever.
It is unfair, he knows but he can’t help it. He is so lost and it is only Heechul in this moment that is bringing him back. Heechul pulls him back with one more slow run of his tongue and Hankyung can’t think of Siwon because all he can do is come fast and hard.
“Say my name.” Heechul whispers.
“Heechul.” He says.
Siwon, he thinks.
***
The next morning he wakes up to Heechul’s warm body next to him. He turns around and Heechul is awake and watching him. At first he thinks nothing of it, but then he realizes that both of them are naked and tangled together.
“Shit.” He says.
Heechul laughs. “So, I’m guessing you’re going to tell me you were drunk yesterday? That you didn’t know what you were doing?”
Hankyung looks at Heechul and thinks of Siwon.
I think she’s the one hyung.
He looks at Heechul and tries to understand why they did what they did last night. He looks at Heechul and sees that look, that very familiar look. It is the same look he has seen on his own face and it is that look that makes him say what he does.
“I wasn’t drunk.”
They don’t come out of their room until Leeteuk pounds on the door threatening to break the door down. Hankyung slips into his clothes and walks out not bothering to comb his hair. He can tell from the looks on the others faces that they know and he doesn’t look at Siwon.
“Holy shit.” Kangin says. “You and Heechul?”
Hankyung sees the question in Kyuhyun’s eyes, but he doesn’t answer it and it is soon replaced by utter disbelief. Hankyung turns in time to see Heechul come out of their room. Heechul is fully clothed, but his hair is as bad as Hankyung’s and Hankyung knows that one look at the two of them and there is no doubt in anyone’s mind what they were doing.
There can be no doubt especially when Heechul climbs all over his lap and kisses him. Hankyung gives in because he wants to, because it is easier and because when he kisses Heechul it sort of numbs the pain. When they break apart the first person he sees is Siwon. Hankyung can’t tell what that look in his eyes is and he doesn’t want to know.
***
“Why?” Siwon asks later when Heechul is gone to complete his schedule. “Why hyung?”
Hankyung doesn’t know what to say. He knows what Siwon wants to hear, knows what will make it okay in Siwon’s eyes, but he can’t bring himself to say what he doesn’t mean.
“Answer me.” Siwon says his voice less calm this time.
Hankyung says nothing.
“Answer me!”
“Why are you with her?” Hankyung asks finally his voice soft and calm.
“Because I love her.” Siwon says surprised by the question.
Hankyung says nothing.
“Hyung, do you…do you love him?”
No, Hankyung wants to say, no I don’t love him. I love you. He wants to scream it out loud so that everyone can hear him, wants the world to know, wants Siwon to know. He wants it so bad and he knows he can’t have it.
He says nothing once more.
“Oh hyung.” Siwon says misunderstanding the silence. “Hyung, you should have said something. I didn’t know. I should have…should have been there for you. All this time and the kiss. I wouldn’t have done it if I had known.”
“No.” Hankyung says because he doesn’t want Siwon to worry. “No, I haven’t loved him that long.”
“But, you love him now.”
Hankyung says nothing.
Siwon hugs him and Hankyung’s heart leaves him completely.
***
They’re in China when the news about the lawsuit comes out.
A/N: So it's really, really long huh? Yeah, I know. I said one shot and it became a two shot. =/ Who knows how long it'll be tomorrow. This is my test stress reliever okay. And sort of my angst outlet and I don't even know how this happened okay. It just did. So, anyway that was it and I know
pjvj10 I know. I don't know exactly what I know but yeah =)
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Siwon, Siwon... you don't realise what you are 'doing' to your brother... But I love SiHan as well... in this though HanChul should get a chance, but still if his heart is not in it what can be done?
Though it's definitely unfair to Heechul -- if there's not happy ending that is... :P
Will wait for part 2! <333 Jia You!
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I am definitely going to go off and write happier Sihan after I am done with this one and those other fics I have to finish posting. I'll get to those on December 21st.
I don't know. So far I don't know how I am going to make this happy, but I won't make it sad because I am a total mush ball. Then again maybe I'm not...XD okay I'm not making sense anymore. I'll stop now.
I'm glad you liked it <3
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*glomps Henry*
He is so damn adorable! Even with all the muscles he has now. I still want to hug him XD He's so cute. ahhhhhh =)
And I know what you mean. I don't like Sichul because Heechul belongs to Geng (sort of hypocritical seeing as how I don't mind sending Geng of with anyone XD) but I decided to be more open minded. I will be ok with Sichul as long as Hannie isn't being hurt...sort of....I need to take this one step at a time XD
I am glad you liked it though. Hannie is sort of being mean already but it gets worse. I feel so bad for Chullie D: I'll update this as soon as I can =)
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*hugs Heechul*
The worst part is he doesn't know a thing =( and he's going to find out soon...=(
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No Sihan, none at all? Poor Geng, but I feel so horrified for Heechul to be treated like that. I adore Sihan, but hope Hanchul might have a chance?
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We'll see =)
I'll post soon.
Thanks for reading and commenting <3
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*flails like mad*
OH!!!!!!!!! KYUHAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*flails some more and runs around in circles*
I love Kyuhan! I love Kyuhan! I love Kyuhan!
*is done being weird*
I am glad you like this. Thanks so much for reading it <3
I love Sihan and I love hanchul and (i love kyuhan, yehan, gengmi, anything with Geng) I know! You understand my pain! What do I do??? =) But I will fix it/make it better. To tell you the truth even I don't know how it's going to end yet but I will update soon I promise =)
Thanks again for reading and commenting <3
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Ugh :| I have been a very bad reader nowadays bb ;( Im so sorry!
But as ive promised ill be back..ill always be back!
I need to redeem my ninjaness so IM LEAVING MY SPOT with ♥
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*hugs you*
Okay! But, if Geng comes after me I am going to shove Heechul at you and jump him XD And oh boy don't even worry about it. I am being so bad at answering all these comments. It's because I have to study. I should be doing it now and I sort of am. I just have one more chapter to go (more like 1 1/2 chapters) and two more hours before my test and I decided to take a break o my brain will explode.
=)
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I demand the next part of this.
My bias after SM is Hankyung. My bias pairing after KyuMin and my ot3 is 100% SiHanChul
<3333233//:453833323233333333
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But, I am glad you liked this fic and I will post the next part soon. I promise. Thanks you for reading <3 and commenting <3
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“Of course.” Hankyung says knowing this game well enough already. “I love it.”
“Then come and get it.” Siwon says with a wink.
*o* <333
“Oh that was so gross.” Kyuhyun calls from the door.
Did I ever say I love Kyuhyun?
“I have a girlfriend.”
Ows, poor Geng! T__T
I want to slap Siwon. o___O
Me don't want any bitch.
He is sitting there listening to Heechul sing one of SNSD’s songs and he suddenly realizes that Heechul has a terrible voice when he’s drunk , that Heechul has very nice lips and that his skin looks so soft. Before he knows it he’s reaching across that small distance on the bed and touching Heechul’s cheek.
He is surprised at the way Heechul melts into his touch and even more surprised when Heechul leans forward. That’s what does it. He moves and suddenly his lips meet Heechul’s. He is surprised by the intensity of the kiss, surprised by the way Heechul kisses him back almost desperately, as if Hankyung is the only thing in the world, as if Hankyung were everything to him.
ahdgflgahdgbvdhgfajlhbfvghfahdbvadhvajlv
x____X <3333333
Their hands go flying everywhere as they pull clothes off each other. Hankyung’s heart is hurting again, but he can ignore it because suddenly Heechul is there leaning over him completely naked with his long hair falling all over his face and that look in his eyes that says that Hankyung is going to enjoy this.
OH MY *keysmash*
“Say my name.” Heechul whispers.
“Heechul.” He says.
Siwon, he thinks.
Aws, that's so bitter-sweet.
I like this. I don't like angst very much. But good angst is good. So, yeah...
Imma read next parts nao :3
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So why I decided to read this when I knew that it would involve one of the two things I hate about Sihan, I have no idea. It's mostly because I like your writing a lot and knew it would be an interesting story. So feel flattered xD
And I am quite glad I did give it a go, because not only am I sad for my bias, I'm really sad for Geng as well. I'm actually rooting for Sihan, rather than Hanchul. Siwon and Hankyung's relationship is so deep and beautiful and I think they should be together. And part of me thinks that Siwon loves him too :/ Somehow I'm getting that impression.
And of course, it's not fair on Heechul to be with someone that doesn't love him, so yeah, I'm not rooting for Hanchul to prevail, because it wouldn't work at all and I don't want him to get used anymore. But... fuck, my poor baby ;___; Hankyung is going to be really mean, right? Really really mean? I sense it will be during a confrontation about the lawsuit :/ Nooo, he's meant to be your best friend, Geng! Let him down gently instead of being all "LOL I NEVER LOVED YOU, YOU STUPID BITCH!!! YOU SUCK AT LIFE, GO DIE!".__. Oh why do I torture myself like this? I knew I'd get upset and it would worsen my fear of Sihan stories -__- Especially since I'm actually encouraging Sihan to get together instead of my OTP and as a result, Heechul now hates me. Can I call myself a petal anymore? I don't know... nothing makes sense now...
/melodramaticness
It's your fault for being one of my fave writers. I have been reading your updates by the way, but gahh I've been ill and tired and busy. But I'm always there, lurking like a ninja, supporting you silently. That's not quite the same thing as commenting and stuff but still... I hope it counts for something :/
I really hope this ends happily. Even if it's not completely happy, like Sihan get a fairytale ending or Kyung actually falls in love with Chul. But something happy... ;____;
and if you do have Sihan, please please please give someone to Chul so he's not forever alone. I'll volunteer myself if needs be xD though I'm sure he'd much rather have Geng or another sexy SJ member than me.
Fuck, what is this comment? :/ So sorry.
But I really do like this story. Or maybe like isn't the right word, since my heart is hurting and I'm trying not to cry xD
God, I love angst.
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*is speechless*
*remembers how to talk*
First of all I am so flattered like you would not believe. I am...you...Thank you so much <3 I am so happy that you would read this. I know what you mean about the Sihan. That's exactly how I feel about Sichul =/ Maybe one day i will find some Sichul that doesn't make me want to cry lol
But, don't worry. I know how this is going to end and I know. I know. I know. *hugs Chullie* It'll be okay. I can't leave Chul like that. *sigh* Angst...makes me sad and I am the one writing it.
"LOL I NEVER LOVED YOU, YOU STUPID BITCH!!! YOU SUCK AT LIFE, GO DIE!"
When I first read that I laughed. Then I reread it and went 8O does she really think I'm that mean? And then I reread it again and went: I can't believe I actually considered writing it like that. So, I didn't exactly write it like that. I posted the next part and I won't leave you waiting too long. I'm going to go finish the last part now and I'll post it soon. I promise it's not as bad as it seems.
It's completely okay. Don't worry. I'm glad you're still reading and I hope you feel better. It definitely counts dear <3 Thank you.
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OMG OMGGGG SHIHAN KILLS ME. GOD HOW CAN THEY BE SO SWEET TO EACH OTHER AND STILL BE BREAKING GENG UP ON THE INSIDE DLKSFJLAKSDJF. the nicer siwon is, the more brotherly, the more it hurts oh my...
i love the kyuhan relationship~
Kyuhyun sighs, but he’s there hugging Hankyung. Hankyung lets him wondering when he’ll be strong enough to tell Siwon everything
im glad someone is there for geng, understanding his situation and pain and always willing to lend a shoulder <3
oh noes. chullie....
/runs to next part
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So, there I was and I read your comment and I had to go reread this whole thing because I had originally decided that no I wasn't going to reread because it was so hard to write but I did and I think I died a little inside with every stupid word. OMG! I am so mean and cruel and oh boy. I am going to have to go and write Sihan fluff for the rest of my life now. D:
But, thanks for reading and the Kyuhan friendship made me happy too. *sigh*
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please, i hope there's a happy ending for hanchul ;A;
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*is sort of proud of self*
It's long and I feel better about it now lol
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faliling...faliling!!!!
oiksdjrgmlmanujnbgik
SO SAD!!!!!!!!!
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I am glad you read it though and I hope you enjoy it even if it is sad =)
Thanks for commenting <3
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thank you for your wonderful writing. <3