static_abyss (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
static_abyss) wrote2010-10-27 03:32 pm
static_abyss) wrote2010-10-27 03:32 pm
Entry tags:
Day by Day
A/N: Okays. Hey there guys. So I updated twice today oops. Don't get used to it though. The reason for this update was because ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
aidynmarie07 requested this fic and it sort of just came out all at once and I wanted to share because it's a one shot and well I wanted to share. So, this is for aidynmarie07 and I hope I didn't disappoint.
Day 1
Leeteuk looked out the window. He watched the people walking down the street. He saw the fan girls scream as one of the members walked out. He saw people laughing. He saw people hugging.
How was he supposed to do this? How was he supposed to go on? Where did they expect him to get the strength? Didn’t they know? Didn’t anyone know that it had been him? It had been Kangin who provided the strength.
Didn’t they know how many times Leeteuk had broken down because it was too much only to have Kangin hold him and comfort him? Didn’t they know the number of times he had been ready to give up but hadn’t done so because giving up meant giving up Kangin? Didn’t anyone know?
But, no.
They didn’t know. They didn’t know exactly what Kangin meant to Leeteuk, because no one had bothered to ask, to see, to open their eyes. The fans all thought that it was Heechul who cared because it was Heechul who hadn’t let go of Kangin once they announced Kangin’s leave.
It had been Heechul who cried on stage. It had been Heechul who hugged Kangin. It had been Heechul. All Heechul.
And no one had noticed him. No one had noticed how he had been off in the corner, alone, talking to no one, refusing comfort of any sort. No one had noticed how much it hurt to see Kangin cry, to hear the fans screaming and know that they would never care, not the way Leeteuk cared.
And no one knew the real reason why he didn’t touch Kangin that day. No one knew that that same night he had held Kangin for hours, afraid to let go, afraid to move, afraid that with every breath they took more time was pried from their fingers.
No one knew.
No one understood why he was so alone, why he felt so cold, why he was more than ready to give up and run after Kangin.
But, he didn’t go. He stayed. He stayed because he had to.
Day 15
“Why are you always locked up in your room now Teukie?” Eunhyuk in all his innocence asked.
And what could Leeteuk say to that? Was he supposed to break down and tell them that he couldn’t go on? That he couldn’t be the leader they needed him to be?
Was he supposed to tell them all that he loved Kangin? That he was dying inside because each night he went to bed he wouldn’t hear the other man’s deep voice wishing him good night? Was he supposed to tell them that he missed those hugs on stage that seemed so innocent, but meant so much?
Was he supposed to confess? Was he supposed to be weak?
“Teukie-hyung?” Eunhyuk asked.
Leeteuk looked up. All eyes were on him. All eyes were always on him. He was always watched, always looked at for guidance, for wisdom. He was their leader. He was the one who had to make sure everything was okay. He was the one that would fix it.
But, how?
How was he supposed to comfort them? How was he supposed to ease their pain when he couldn’t find an escape for his? When Hankyung left, Kangin had been there. Kangin had held him up and with Kangin, he, Leeteuk had been able to hold the rest of them up.
But there was no Kangin. There was no strength.
“I’m fine.” Leeteuk said getting up. “I’m just a little tired, that’s all. I haven’t gotten much sleep lately. Album promotions, you know. I’m going to bed.”
“But, hyung, it’s only 7.” Eunhyuk said voice small and soft.
“I’m just tired, okay?” Leeteuk answered not bothering to look at any of them.
He stood up from the couch tired of playing tender umma for the day. He walked away without an answer to Eunhyuk’s quiet good night.
“Its okay, Hyukkie.” Leeteuk heard Donghae say. “I’m right here. Just give him time, that’s what we all need.”
“I’m right here.”
“I’m right here, Teukie. You don’t need to be afraid.”
“I’m right here. Everything will be fine and if it’s not, I’ll make it better myself.”
“I’m right here.”
“But, you’re not.” Leeteuk whispered. “You’re not here, not now that I need you.”
Day 33
Fan service with Heechul.
It had been done on impulse. He knew Heechul, knew he had to expect something like that soon. How could he not expect it? Management had told him that TeukChul was a good idea, what with Hankyung and Kangin gone.
But, it hadn’t been a good idea. How could it be a good idea? How could he pretend even for a second that he was okay with it? How could he let Heechul get that close when he didn’t want it?
“Because you are their leader and if you start disobeying us, what do you think is going to happen? We have enough trouble with Han Geng’s lawsuit and we don’t need anything else going wrong. You’ll do as you’re told Leeteuk-sshi because that is what you are paid to do and there will be no more discussing this.”
No more discussions.
He had gone on stage dreading what was going to happen. And when Heechul put an arm around him and ran that finger down his chest, it caused a different reaction than the one he had been expecting.
Instead of making him want to run, it comforted him. Heechul’s embrace was so much like Kangin’s and still different enough to ease a small part of the ache in his heart. He had always wanted to be held, he realized as they made their way off stage.
He had just wanted one of the others to hold him and tell him it was okay. He would have been okay with that, okay with not having Kangin comfort him, if only he had the others. But, no one had thought to comfort him, no one had thought that Leeteuk, the leader, the umma, the one who ran around comforting others, no one thought that maybe he needed to be comforted.
That was the reason, he told himself. That was the reason why he suddenly threw everything into fan service. That’s why he played along with Heechul, to feel that comfort, to feel that embrace, even if it was just for the benefit of the fans.
But, it went too far one day.
Day 48
They were in the dressing room, door locked. Leeteuk’s back was against the door and Heechul was in front of him. They were way too close for the embrace to be anything, but sexual. Want was radiating off of them both. Desire so strong you could almost feel it.
Leeteuk’s hands went to grip Heechul’s hair past the point of being painful. He pulled the other man against him and kissed him, long, hard, deep. He sighed into Heechul’s mouth as they molded together, hands grabbing each other, pushing off clothes.
Leeteuk was too far gone to stop. Why stop? Why stop when this would make the pain go away? Why stop when he could close his eyes and feel other hands? Why stop when he was somewhere else, somewhere where it didn’t hurt? Why stop?
Other hands. Other lips. Other sighs.
Kangin. Kangin. Kangin.
The raw, aching pain in his chest came back, a thousand times stronger than before. He felt so empty even thought Heechul was there. He felt so cold and the moment wasn’t meant to be cold. He was so alone, so painfully alone. It hurt. It hurt to do this because it was the wrong person. It hurt because suddenly he was remembering so much.
He wasn’t ready. He wasn’t ready for the images of Kangin’s smile, the teasing light in those eyes. He wasn’t ready to hear that laugh, to see those loving eyes behind his closed lids. He wasn’t ready to have it all thrown back at him.
And it hurt.
It hurt like nothing had ever hurt before. It hurt to the point where he just wanted to forget, to let Heechul do what he had to do because it hurt and Leeteuk wanted it to stop.
It was all so right and still so very wrong, so painfully wrong, so wrong because he didn’t want it to be Heechul when he opened his eyes. He wanted someone else. He didn’t want to open his eyes because he knew what he would see and this, what he was imagining now, was reality enough for him. If he opened his eyes it would be over.
But, it already was over.
The name that left his lips was a sob, Kangin.
For Heechul, it was Hankyung.
“We are so fucked.” Heechul said sometime later. “No pun intended.”
Leeteuk could only nod.
Day 96
Heechul and Kangin.
When Leeteuk heard about Kangin’s break from the army, he had cursed Heechul a million times in his heart, his head and out loud. It had been Heechul’s idea that he take a vacation.
He had only done so because Eunhyuk looked like he was going to cry every time Leeteuk so much as looked at his dorm room and Ryeowook was getting too motherly. He had gone because Kyuhyun had rolled his eyes and asked him to stay so as not to ruin his only vacation.
And Italy was beautiful. He had relaxed into the trip in a way that he hadn’t expected.
Time.
Maybe that was it. Maybe that was what he needed. Just some time.
But, time was the same thing that screwed him over. Kangin’s break had clashed with his vacation and no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t get a plane back in time. He had done everything, promised his soul to unknown divinities and nothing had worked.
He had to be content with Heechul’s twitter pictures. When he clicked he had drunken Kangin’s face like a man who was dying of thirst. He had stared at the screen for so long that Kyuhyun had unplugged the computer and that had led to a nasty argument between the two.
But, then it came.
What he had been waiting for ever since he heard that Kangin was on break.
The phone call.
“Hello?” he had answered still not fully awake.
“Teukie.”
Leeteuk jumped up in bed suddenly more awake than he had ever been. The voice at the other end of the line was soft, loving. The breathing at the other end was comforting. It caressed Leeteuk’s heart and filled it up to the point where it hurt.
“Kangin.” The whisper was breathy, longing, so quiet Leeteuk was afraid Kangin had missed it.
“I love you.”
Leeteuk didn’t know why he had chosen that moment to cry. He had waited months and there had been no tears and now, now that he could hear Kangin’s reassuring voice, now that he heard the loving words, now, he chose to cry.
“Teukie!” Kangin said alarmed. “Are you okay? Don’t…Leeteuk…please.”
And then they were both crying.
“I love you.” Leeteuk said in between sobs. “I love you so much. I’m sorry. I can’t.”
He hung up.
“Hyung?” Kyuhyun asked from the other side of the room. “Are you okay?”
But, Leeteuk wasn’t okay and Kyuhyun knew that. He spent the rest of the night sobbing into Kyuhyun’s shoulder, the phone blinking in the corner as the number of missed calls went up.
Day 124
He soon learned that forgetting was the best option. If he forgot then he wouldn’t remember and that was good, right? If he let it all go and threw himself into the other members, if he stopped thinking then it would be okay. He would be okay.
So, he did.
He stopped thinking. He stopped listening to the dull ache of his heart. He stopped listening to the slow beating of his heart and focused instead on another part of his heart that he hadn’t looked at in a while.
He followed the members around like a good umma. He packed Heechul off to China to Hankyung. He shoved Kyuhyun and Sungmin in a closet and locked the door. He hit Siwon repeatedly until the other man understood that Yesung was crazy about him.
He was having a good time.
If he didn’t think of Kangin.
And as the days went by, it stopped. If he happened to think of Kangin there would only be a small ache, nothing big, nothing he couldn’t handle.
Day 439
Hope.
Hope was a stupid thing.
Hope was something that should be given to those who committed the ultimate crimes of evil. He didn’t believe in the death sentence; just give them something to hope for because that was true hell.
Leeteuk was hoping.
291.
291 more days.
There it was, so close again, so very close he could almost touch it. Just a few more days, just a few more months. He could wait. He had waited so long already. What was 291 days to him now?
But, Leeteuk was hoping and he didn’t know what he was hoping for. He was hoping and it was driving that sword deeper and deeper into his heart. It hurt to hope, because hope was insubstantial, hope was like the air. There, but never really there, never real enough to touch, to hold, to feel, to make a life out of. What was it then?
To Leeteuk it was just another painful reminder of the light that blinked at the end of that cold, dark maze he had wandered for the past year and a half. But, he had never wandered over to that side. He had always stayed there where it was dark and safe, where he could numb the pain.
Yes, let hope be for prisoners. Give them hope and then, at the end, take it away.
Day 700
Despair.
Leeteuk had found a new punishment for those who deserved the death sentence and a new torment for himself.
“Things change Leeteuk-sshi.” Hankyung said to him over the phone one day. “I know I left, but I love him and you know I would never hurt him.”
They were finally allowed to talk to him, finally allowed to see each other, finally allowed to be people for once in their life.
Things change.
Hankyung was right. Things did change. Things were always changing. Everything changed. People changed. He, himself, had changed in the past two years. If he had changed then what made him think that Kangin hadn’t changed.
What a fool he was.
People changed. People always changed. Hadn’t he proved it enough especially after what happened with Heechul. Hadn’t he proved that sometimes relationships meant nothing? What right did he have to expect Kangin to come to him? What right did he have to hope that he somehow deserved Kangin to be faithful, to love him until now, to care when Leeteuk had been the first to lose it, to give in to despair?
Despair. Now, there was a punishment for those who deserved the death sentence.
Day730
“Leeteuk, get off your butt and come on.” Heechul said rushing around pushing everyone out the door. “He’s going to be here soon.”
But Leeteuk didn’t move.
“Leeteuk, come on.” Heechul said trying to drag him off the couch.
“I’m not going.” Leeteuk said turning away and pulling back his hand.
“The fuck you’re not.” Heechul snapped. “Donghae! Get in here and help me carry Leeteuk out of this dorm.”
“I told you I’m not going.” Leeteuk said less nice. “Donghae, I said no!”
But, they didn’t listen to him. Donghae threw him over one shoulder and dumped him in the car. Kyuhyun gave him a raised eyebrow look and Leeteuk turned to glare out the window.
“Why were you being dragged out?” Kyuhyun said. “I thought we’d have to forcefully retain you when we got to the airport, you know what with us keeping our image clean and everything. Or is this a game? Shy virgin?”
Leeteuk was so close to hitting Kyuhyun. His hand had already moved when Sungmin took both of his hands.
“Kyu, be quiet.” Sungmin whispered and that made the situation a thousand times worse.
“Why are you so tense anyway?” Heechul asked. “I thought you would be happy.”
“You don’t get it.” Leeteuk said. “You just don’t get it.”
And they didn’t get it. How could they get it? Yesung had Siwon. Kyuhyun had Sungmin. Heechul had Hankyung, no matter how far Hankyung was, they had each other, they could see each other, they called each other.
He couldn’t see Kangin. He hadn’t seen him in two years. Leeteuk hadn’t told him how much he loved him. They hadn’t talked, hadn’t loved the way Heechul and Hankyung loved. They didn’t have distance as a problem, there were still in the same country, but Kangin wasn’t there.
For all Leeteuk knew Kangin had changed his mind about how he felt. Maybe he had met someone while out running. Maybe Kangin wouldn’t want to see him. Maybe Kangin had gotten over it. Maybe, and this was what scared him the most, maybe, Kangin had never loved him. Maybe this time apart had served to erase Leeteuk from Kangin.
If it had, if it was really over, how could Leeteuk go on? How could he spend the next days waking up to Kangin’s smiling face? How could he have him so close again, if Kangin had erased him?
“Get out of the car!” Heechul demanded.
“No.” Leeteuk said holding on to the door.
He wasn’t going to go. They had dragged him this far, but he was going no further. Forget what they wanted, forget what he wanted. He was going to stay here and…and…and anything, anything but go and face what he was sure would be the end.
“Jungsu, get out of that car right now and come here.”
That voice.
Leeteuk’s grip on the door slackened. He fell against Donghae who had been pulling him out and the two ended up on the floor.
There was a bunch of muttering above him. People were shifted and Donghae was pulled up. Two strong arms were wrapped around Leeteuk and he too was put back on his feet.
“Yah, Donghae! Don’t touch him like that again or I’ll hurt you. And don’t flash those muscles. I can still take on you and Eunhyuk together and win.”
Kangin.
Leeteuk looked up. Kangin.
It was really him. It was Kangin with that same smile, with those eyes, with that look.
“Kangin.” Leeteuk whispered voice gone hoarse with emotion.
“Who did you think it was? And why were you being physically dragged out of the car? Should I be offended? Didn’t you want to see me?”
Kangin’s voice was softer, a slight tremble filtered through at the last sentence, but Leeteuk didn’t hear it. He couldn’t hear it, not when he was too busy drinking in that face, those eyes. That soft smile that turned the brown eyes he loved so much into crescent moons.
It was really Kangin, really there. Kangin with that same deep voice Leeteuk loved so much. Kangin.
“Teukie?” Kangin asked, the same worried tone lacing his voice with emotion.
Leeteuk said nothing. He took Kangin’s face in his hands. He ran his eyes over every surface looking for any signs that Kangin had been mistreated or hurt. When he found nothing but that soft smile he kissed him.
He didn’t care that they were in the street. He didn’t care that at any moment someone could see them. He didn’t care that the other members were there. Leeteuk lost himself. His body melted so perfectly against Kangin’s. His heart refused to let him breathe properly. His arms lost the grip he had on Kangin.
His whole body stopped listening to him. He was trembling from head to toe with something.
Desire?
Want?
Longing?
Love?
It all added to the same thing.
Kangin.
Day 1348
“What would you do if I was leaving you?” Leeteuk asked snuggling closer to Kangin.
“I would hit you over the head with something and then take away whatever it was you were drinking.” Kangin answered putting his head on top of Leeteuk’s.
“And what if I told you I was leaving you because I was in love with someone else?”
“I would hit him over the head with something then take away whatever it was you were drinking.”
Leeteuk smiled. “One more.”
“Teukie.” Kangin groaned. “Why? Didn’t I tell you I love you already? Didn’t I beg you to date me when this whole thing first started?”
“One more.” Leeteuk insisted.
“Fine.” Kangin relented. “But, only because I love you.”
“What would you do if I told you…that…I…wanted a baby?”
“WHAT?! You…WHAT?”
Leeteuk laughed so hard he fell off the bed. His back hit the floor but he couldn’t stop laughing.
“Haha, that look on your face.” Leeteuk squirmed. “Priceless.”
“That wasn’t funny.” Kangin frowned moving to lie on top of Leeteuk. “Not funny at all.”
“Yah! Get off.” Leeteuk said still laughing.
“Not going to happen.” Kangin smirked. “You did say you wanted a baby. And who am I to deny my Teukie anything?”
“Kangin!” Leeteuk scolded quietly. “Stop it. The others are sleeping.”
“Then you’re just going to have to be quiet.” Kangin breathed against his ear sending a shiver down Leeteuk’s spine.
Quiet.
That’s what Leeteuk’s heart was. Quiet. Finally quiet, because it wasn’t there. He didn’t have it, not anymore, he probably never had it. It probably had always belonged to Kangin.
A/N: So, there you go and HaruJuju I didn't post your fic because it's a chaptered fic and I think everyone here would kill me if I didn't finish posting my current fic, but I promise to post yours as soon as I'm done with Things Happen. I promise. So, what did everyone think? This one was so easy to write, the words practically fell out of my fingers and onto the page. Do let me know what you think pretty please?
aidynmarie07 requested this fic and it sort of just came out all at once and I wanted to share because it's a one shot and well I wanted to share. So, this is for aidynmarie07 and I hope I didn't disappoint.Day 1
Leeteuk looked out the window. He watched the people walking down the street. He saw the fan girls scream as one of the members walked out. He saw people laughing. He saw people hugging.
How was he supposed to do this? How was he supposed to go on? Where did they expect him to get the strength? Didn’t they know? Didn’t anyone know that it had been him? It had been Kangin who provided the strength.
Didn’t they know how many times Leeteuk had broken down because it was too much only to have Kangin hold him and comfort him? Didn’t they know the number of times he had been ready to give up but hadn’t done so because giving up meant giving up Kangin? Didn’t anyone know?
But, no.
They didn’t know. They didn’t know exactly what Kangin meant to Leeteuk, because no one had bothered to ask, to see, to open their eyes. The fans all thought that it was Heechul who cared because it was Heechul who hadn’t let go of Kangin once they announced Kangin’s leave.
It had been Heechul who cried on stage. It had been Heechul who hugged Kangin. It had been Heechul. All Heechul.
And no one had noticed him. No one had noticed how he had been off in the corner, alone, talking to no one, refusing comfort of any sort. No one had noticed how much it hurt to see Kangin cry, to hear the fans screaming and know that they would never care, not the way Leeteuk cared.
And no one knew the real reason why he didn’t touch Kangin that day. No one knew that that same night he had held Kangin for hours, afraid to let go, afraid to move, afraid that with every breath they took more time was pried from their fingers.
No one knew.
No one understood why he was so alone, why he felt so cold, why he was more than ready to give up and run after Kangin.
But, he didn’t go. He stayed. He stayed because he had to.
Day 15
“Why are you always locked up in your room now Teukie?” Eunhyuk in all his innocence asked.
And what could Leeteuk say to that? Was he supposed to break down and tell them that he couldn’t go on? That he couldn’t be the leader they needed him to be?
Was he supposed to tell them all that he loved Kangin? That he was dying inside because each night he went to bed he wouldn’t hear the other man’s deep voice wishing him good night? Was he supposed to tell them that he missed those hugs on stage that seemed so innocent, but meant so much?
Was he supposed to confess? Was he supposed to be weak?
“Teukie-hyung?” Eunhyuk asked.
Leeteuk looked up. All eyes were on him. All eyes were always on him. He was always watched, always looked at for guidance, for wisdom. He was their leader. He was the one who had to make sure everything was okay. He was the one that would fix it.
But, how?
How was he supposed to comfort them? How was he supposed to ease their pain when he couldn’t find an escape for his? When Hankyung left, Kangin had been there. Kangin had held him up and with Kangin, he, Leeteuk had been able to hold the rest of them up.
But there was no Kangin. There was no strength.
“I’m fine.” Leeteuk said getting up. “I’m just a little tired, that’s all. I haven’t gotten much sleep lately. Album promotions, you know. I’m going to bed.”
“But, hyung, it’s only 7.” Eunhyuk said voice small and soft.
“I’m just tired, okay?” Leeteuk answered not bothering to look at any of them.
He stood up from the couch tired of playing tender umma for the day. He walked away without an answer to Eunhyuk’s quiet good night.
“Its okay, Hyukkie.” Leeteuk heard Donghae say. “I’m right here. Just give him time, that’s what we all need.”
“I’m right here.”
“I’m right here, Teukie. You don’t need to be afraid.”
“I’m right here. Everything will be fine and if it’s not, I’ll make it better myself.”
“I’m right here.”
“But, you’re not.” Leeteuk whispered. “You’re not here, not now that I need you.”
Day 33
Fan service with Heechul.
It had been done on impulse. He knew Heechul, knew he had to expect something like that soon. How could he not expect it? Management had told him that TeukChul was a good idea, what with Hankyung and Kangin gone.
But, it hadn’t been a good idea. How could it be a good idea? How could he pretend even for a second that he was okay with it? How could he let Heechul get that close when he didn’t want it?
“Because you are their leader and if you start disobeying us, what do you think is going to happen? We have enough trouble with Han Geng’s lawsuit and we don’t need anything else going wrong. You’ll do as you’re told Leeteuk-sshi because that is what you are paid to do and there will be no more discussing this.”
No more discussions.
He had gone on stage dreading what was going to happen. And when Heechul put an arm around him and ran that finger down his chest, it caused a different reaction than the one he had been expecting.
Instead of making him want to run, it comforted him. Heechul’s embrace was so much like Kangin’s and still different enough to ease a small part of the ache in his heart. He had always wanted to be held, he realized as they made their way off stage.
He had just wanted one of the others to hold him and tell him it was okay. He would have been okay with that, okay with not having Kangin comfort him, if only he had the others. But, no one had thought to comfort him, no one had thought that Leeteuk, the leader, the umma, the one who ran around comforting others, no one thought that maybe he needed to be comforted.
That was the reason, he told himself. That was the reason why he suddenly threw everything into fan service. That’s why he played along with Heechul, to feel that comfort, to feel that embrace, even if it was just for the benefit of the fans.
But, it went too far one day.
Day 48
They were in the dressing room, door locked. Leeteuk’s back was against the door and Heechul was in front of him. They were way too close for the embrace to be anything, but sexual. Want was radiating off of them both. Desire so strong you could almost feel it.
Leeteuk’s hands went to grip Heechul’s hair past the point of being painful. He pulled the other man against him and kissed him, long, hard, deep. He sighed into Heechul’s mouth as they molded together, hands grabbing each other, pushing off clothes.
Leeteuk was too far gone to stop. Why stop? Why stop when this would make the pain go away? Why stop when he could close his eyes and feel other hands? Why stop when he was somewhere else, somewhere where it didn’t hurt? Why stop?
Other hands. Other lips. Other sighs.
Kangin. Kangin. Kangin.
The raw, aching pain in his chest came back, a thousand times stronger than before. He felt so empty even thought Heechul was there. He felt so cold and the moment wasn’t meant to be cold. He was so alone, so painfully alone. It hurt. It hurt to do this because it was the wrong person. It hurt because suddenly he was remembering so much.
He wasn’t ready. He wasn’t ready for the images of Kangin’s smile, the teasing light in those eyes. He wasn’t ready to hear that laugh, to see those loving eyes behind his closed lids. He wasn’t ready to have it all thrown back at him.
And it hurt.
It hurt like nothing had ever hurt before. It hurt to the point where he just wanted to forget, to let Heechul do what he had to do because it hurt and Leeteuk wanted it to stop.
It was all so right and still so very wrong, so painfully wrong, so wrong because he didn’t want it to be Heechul when he opened his eyes. He wanted someone else. He didn’t want to open his eyes because he knew what he would see and this, what he was imagining now, was reality enough for him. If he opened his eyes it would be over.
But, it already was over.
The name that left his lips was a sob, Kangin.
For Heechul, it was Hankyung.
“We are so fucked.” Heechul said sometime later. “No pun intended.”
Leeteuk could only nod.
Day 96
Heechul and Kangin.
When Leeteuk heard about Kangin’s break from the army, he had cursed Heechul a million times in his heart, his head and out loud. It had been Heechul’s idea that he take a vacation.
He had only done so because Eunhyuk looked like he was going to cry every time Leeteuk so much as looked at his dorm room and Ryeowook was getting too motherly. He had gone because Kyuhyun had rolled his eyes and asked him to stay so as not to ruin his only vacation.
And Italy was beautiful. He had relaxed into the trip in a way that he hadn’t expected.
Time.
Maybe that was it. Maybe that was what he needed. Just some time.
But, time was the same thing that screwed him over. Kangin’s break had clashed with his vacation and no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t get a plane back in time. He had done everything, promised his soul to unknown divinities and nothing had worked.
He had to be content with Heechul’s twitter pictures. When he clicked he had drunken Kangin’s face like a man who was dying of thirst. He had stared at the screen for so long that Kyuhyun had unplugged the computer and that had led to a nasty argument between the two.
But, then it came.
What he had been waiting for ever since he heard that Kangin was on break.
The phone call.
“Hello?” he had answered still not fully awake.
“Teukie.”
Leeteuk jumped up in bed suddenly more awake than he had ever been. The voice at the other end of the line was soft, loving. The breathing at the other end was comforting. It caressed Leeteuk’s heart and filled it up to the point where it hurt.
“Kangin.” The whisper was breathy, longing, so quiet Leeteuk was afraid Kangin had missed it.
“I love you.”
Leeteuk didn’t know why he had chosen that moment to cry. He had waited months and there had been no tears and now, now that he could hear Kangin’s reassuring voice, now that he heard the loving words, now, he chose to cry.
“Teukie!” Kangin said alarmed. “Are you okay? Don’t…Leeteuk…please.”
And then they were both crying.
“I love you.” Leeteuk said in between sobs. “I love you so much. I’m sorry. I can’t.”
He hung up.
“Hyung?” Kyuhyun asked from the other side of the room. “Are you okay?”
But, Leeteuk wasn’t okay and Kyuhyun knew that. He spent the rest of the night sobbing into Kyuhyun’s shoulder, the phone blinking in the corner as the number of missed calls went up.
Day 124
He soon learned that forgetting was the best option. If he forgot then he wouldn’t remember and that was good, right? If he let it all go and threw himself into the other members, if he stopped thinking then it would be okay. He would be okay.
So, he did.
He stopped thinking. He stopped listening to the dull ache of his heart. He stopped listening to the slow beating of his heart and focused instead on another part of his heart that he hadn’t looked at in a while.
He followed the members around like a good umma. He packed Heechul off to China to Hankyung. He shoved Kyuhyun and Sungmin in a closet and locked the door. He hit Siwon repeatedly until the other man understood that Yesung was crazy about him.
He was having a good time.
If he didn’t think of Kangin.
And as the days went by, it stopped. If he happened to think of Kangin there would only be a small ache, nothing big, nothing he couldn’t handle.
Day 439
Hope.
Hope was a stupid thing.
Hope was something that should be given to those who committed the ultimate crimes of evil. He didn’t believe in the death sentence; just give them something to hope for because that was true hell.
Leeteuk was hoping.
291.
291 more days.
There it was, so close again, so very close he could almost touch it. Just a few more days, just a few more months. He could wait. He had waited so long already. What was 291 days to him now?
But, Leeteuk was hoping and he didn’t know what he was hoping for. He was hoping and it was driving that sword deeper and deeper into his heart. It hurt to hope, because hope was insubstantial, hope was like the air. There, but never really there, never real enough to touch, to hold, to feel, to make a life out of. What was it then?
To Leeteuk it was just another painful reminder of the light that blinked at the end of that cold, dark maze he had wandered for the past year and a half. But, he had never wandered over to that side. He had always stayed there where it was dark and safe, where he could numb the pain.
Yes, let hope be for prisoners. Give them hope and then, at the end, take it away.
Day 700
Despair.
Leeteuk had found a new punishment for those who deserved the death sentence and a new torment for himself.
“Things change Leeteuk-sshi.” Hankyung said to him over the phone one day. “I know I left, but I love him and you know I would never hurt him.”
They were finally allowed to talk to him, finally allowed to see each other, finally allowed to be people for once in their life.
Things change.
Hankyung was right. Things did change. Things were always changing. Everything changed. People changed. He, himself, had changed in the past two years. If he had changed then what made him think that Kangin hadn’t changed.
What a fool he was.
People changed. People always changed. Hadn’t he proved it enough especially after what happened with Heechul. Hadn’t he proved that sometimes relationships meant nothing? What right did he have to expect Kangin to come to him? What right did he have to hope that he somehow deserved Kangin to be faithful, to love him until now, to care when Leeteuk had been the first to lose it, to give in to despair?
Despair. Now, there was a punishment for those who deserved the death sentence.
Day730
“Leeteuk, get off your butt and come on.” Heechul said rushing around pushing everyone out the door. “He’s going to be here soon.”
But Leeteuk didn’t move.
“Leeteuk, come on.” Heechul said trying to drag him off the couch.
“I’m not going.” Leeteuk said turning away and pulling back his hand.
“The fuck you’re not.” Heechul snapped. “Donghae! Get in here and help me carry Leeteuk out of this dorm.”
“I told you I’m not going.” Leeteuk said less nice. “Donghae, I said no!”
But, they didn’t listen to him. Donghae threw him over one shoulder and dumped him in the car. Kyuhyun gave him a raised eyebrow look and Leeteuk turned to glare out the window.
“Why were you being dragged out?” Kyuhyun said. “I thought we’d have to forcefully retain you when we got to the airport, you know what with us keeping our image clean and everything. Or is this a game? Shy virgin?”
Leeteuk was so close to hitting Kyuhyun. His hand had already moved when Sungmin took both of his hands.
“Kyu, be quiet.” Sungmin whispered and that made the situation a thousand times worse.
“Why are you so tense anyway?” Heechul asked. “I thought you would be happy.”
“You don’t get it.” Leeteuk said. “You just don’t get it.”
And they didn’t get it. How could they get it? Yesung had Siwon. Kyuhyun had Sungmin. Heechul had Hankyung, no matter how far Hankyung was, they had each other, they could see each other, they called each other.
He couldn’t see Kangin. He hadn’t seen him in two years. Leeteuk hadn’t told him how much he loved him. They hadn’t talked, hadn’t loved the way Heechul and Hankyung loved. They didn’t have distance as a problem, there were still in the same country, but Kangin wasn’t there.
For all Leeteuk knew Kangin had changed his mind about how he felt. Maybe he had met someone while out running. Maybe Kangin wouldn’t want to see him. Maybe Kangin had gotten over it. Maybe, and this was what scared him the most, maybe, Kangin had never loved him. Maybe this time apart had served to erase Leeteuk from Kangin.
If it had, if it was really over, how could Leeteuk go on? How could he spend the next days waking up to Kangin’s smiling face? How could he have him so close again, if Kangin had erased him?
“Get out of the car!” Heechul demanded.
“No.” Leeteuk said holding on to the door.
He wasn’t going to go. They had dragged him this far, but he was going no further. Forget what they wanted, forget what he wanted. He was going to stay here and…and…and anything, anything but go and face what he was sure would be the end.
“Jungsu, get out of that car right now and come here.”
That voice.
Leeteuk’s grip on the door slackened. He fell against Donghae who had been pulling him out and the two ended up on the floor.
There was a bunch of muttering above him. People were shifted and Donghae was pulled up. Two strong arms were wrapped around Leeteuk and he too was put back on his feet.
“Yah, Donghae! Don’t touch him like that again or I’ll hurt you. And don’t flash those muscles. I can still take on you and Eunhyuk together and win.”
Kangin.
Leeteuk looked up. Kangin.
It was really him. It was Kangin with that same smile, with those eyes, with that look.
“Kangin.” Leeteuk whispered voice gone hoarse with emotion.
“Who did you think it was? And why were you being physically dragged out of the car? Should I be offended? Didn’t you want to see me?”
Kangin’s voice was softer, a slight tremble filtered through at the last sentence, but Leeteuk didn’t hear it. He couldn’t hear it, not when he was too busy drinking in that face, those eyes. That soft smile that turned the brown eyes he loved so much into crescent moons.
It was really Kangin, really there. Kangin with that same deep voice Leeteuk loved so much. Kangin.
“Teukie?” Kangin asked, the same worried tone lacing his voice with emotion.
Leeteuk said nothing. He took Kangin’s face in his hands. He ran his eyes over every surface looking for any signs that Kangin had been mistreated or hurt. When he found nothing but that soft smile he kissed him.
He didn’t care that they were in the street. He didn’t care that at any moment someone could see them. He didn’t care that the other members were there. Leeteuk lost himself. His body melted so perfectly against Kangin’s. His heart refused to let him breathe properly. His arms lost the grip he had on Kangin.
His whole body stopped listening to him. He was trembling from head to toe with something.
Desire?
Want?
Longing?
Love?
It all added to the same thing.
Kangin.
Day 1348
“What would you do if I was leaving you?” Leeteuk asked snuggling closer to Kangin.
“I would hit you over the head with something and then take away whatever it was you were drinking.” Kangin answered putting his head on top of Leeteuk’s.
“And what if I told you I was leaving you because I was in love with someone else?”
“I would hit him over the head with something then take away whatever it was you were drinking.”
Leeteuk smiled. “One more.”
“Teukie.” Kangin groaned. “Why? Didn’t I tell you I love you already? Didn’t I beg you to date me when this whole thing first started?”
“One more.” Leeteuk insisted.
“Fine.” Kangin relented. “But, only because I love you.”
“What would you do if I told you…that…I…wanted a baby?”
“WHAT?! You…WHAT?”
Leeteuk laughed so hard he fell off the bed. His back hit the floor but he couldn’t stop laughing.
“Haha, that look on your face.” Leeteuk squirmed. “Priceless.”
“That wasn’t funny.” Kangin frowned moving to lie on top of Leeteuk. “Not funny at all.”
“Yah! Get off.” Leeteuk said still laughing.
“Not going to happen.” Kangin smirked. “You did say you wanted a baby. And who am I to deny my Teukie anything?”
“Kangin!” Leeteuk scolded quietly. “Stop it. The others are sleeping.”
“Then you’re just going to have to be quiet.” Kangin breathed against his ear sending a shiver down Leeteuk’s spine.
Quiet.
That’s what Leeteuk’s heart was. Quiet. Finally quiet, because it wasn’t there. He didn’t have it, not anymore, he probably never had it. It probably had always belonged to Kangin.
A/N: So, there you go and HaruJuju I didn't post your fic because it's a chaptered fic and I think everyone here would kill me if I didn't finish posting my current fic, but I promise to post yours as soon as I'm done with Things Happen. I promise. So, what did everyone think? This one was so easy to write, the words practically fell out of my fingers and onto the page. Do let me know what you think pretty please?
no subject
It's okay. we can do this together. More KangTeuk fics to make everyone happy. Hope he's doing well. Kangin is one of my SUJU babies. I love him.