static_abyss (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
static_abyss) wrote2011-05-07 03:19 am
static_abyss) wrote2011-05-07 03:19 am
Arrangement
Title: Arrangement
Pairing: kyumin, qmi, eventual!qmimin, side pairings include but are not limited to: hanchul
Genre: romance, drama, au
Rating: R (for some barely there action)
Summary: Sungmin laughs because really, all things considered, this is not a bad arrangement.
Note: For![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
pinkymingo for the ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
help_japan thread.
a/n: I promised somewhere between 5,000 and 15,000 words. I give you 14,244 and also a warning. This may not be exactly what you asked for.
January 23, 2014.
That is the day Sungmin is hit by the truck. The day before he had been talking to Kyuhyun about how cars always seemed to follow Kyuhyun. Kyuhyun had laughed and told him that cars loved Sungmin, but didn’t love him enough to want to hug him.
Hugs.
That’s what Kyuhyun called all those times he had been in a car accident. It was a particularly strong hug that had him in the hospital for so long that fist time it happened. It had been an over excited hug that had him in a coma for months, that had Sungmin and Kyuhyun’s family all worried to death. A stupid hug. Sungmin had wanted to punch Kyuhyun.
Now, well, turns out cars actually do like Sungmin enough to want to hug him. The irony is not lost on him. He even appreciates it, until the doctors announce that Sungmin is in a coma, that they don’t know if he will ever come out of it.
----
Sungmin knows there is something wrong the first time he tries to hug Kyuhyun. He hasn’t quite managed a hug, more like a quick run-through of Kyuhyun’s insides. It doesn’t take him long to figure out that he is there, but not really there. He is somewhere in the middle, hanging on between true death and life. Sungmin can still feel, some sort of ghost touch from his body. He can feel when a nurse comes to clean him up. He can feel the soft touches from his mother.
He can feel it all, but what he feels most are Kyuhyun’s touches. Sungmin learns that if he closes his eyes he can pretend that he is back in his body. He can pretend that he is sleeping and that Kyuhyun is touching him, gentle fingers running up his arms like Kyuhyun used to do back in their apartment. He learns to pretend, to live in those touches.
----
Sungmin does nothing the first few days. He isn’t sure he quite understands what it means that he is here, standing shimmering and unreal while his body is whole and under Kyuhyun’s almost constant supervision. He doesn’t get what it means for him. He doesn’t think he’s dead because he is sure there would be more fuss if here were dead.
Sungmin doesn’t understand the world he is in, but he knows it isn’t the world where Kyuhyun is. They go through a month like this. Sungmin sits next to his body and watches as Kyuhyun comes day after day to cry over him. He can feel the way Kyuhyun’s tears fall on his arms. The tears surprise him because Kyuhyun is not the type to cry that much. Sure, there were things that Kyuhyun cried over. His car accident is an important one, but Kyuhyun crying that way, with such abandon, with such pain, that breaks Sungmin’s heart.
Sungmin wants to do something, to maybe reach out and touch Kyuhyun’s hand, touch it and tell him that everything is fine, that he isn’t dead. At least, he doesn’t think so. Sungmin wants to be there now for Kyuhyun. He wants to appear to him, if that is the correct word. He wants to go back in his body and wake up. He wants to make this better, but he can’t.
He doesn’t know how.
So, Sungmin settles for watching. He sits next to his body on that bed as Kyuhyun tells him stories. Sometimes they are stories about Henry and Eunhyuk, their two friends. Kyuhyun tells Sungmin’s body that Eunhyuk and that other boy from across the street are finally talking. Sungmin wants to tell Kyuhyun that the boy’s name is Donghae and that Eunhyuk has had a crush on him since they were in high school. Sungmin also wants to tell Kyuhyun to get some sleep.
He can’t.
He tries, but Kyuhyun doesn’t even blink. Sungmin even tries getting up, right into Kyuhyun’s face and talking to him. Nothing works. Kyuhyun just sits on the chair next to Sungmin’s body’s bed and talks to the body that isn’t Sungmin. It really can’t be him, Sungmin thinks.
It can’t be him because he is here, on the body’s other side, feeling. He can feel, can taste if he concentrates enough. It isn’t tasting the way he used to taste, but Sungmin can taste nonetheless. It’s almost like he is inhaling the scent of whatever is around him. He tries to tell himself that it is okay, that it is fine. He tries to tell himself that he is still alive, just different, that he can go back whenever he wants to.
He just hasn’t figured out how.
Sungmin tries one night while Kyuhyun is there. Kyuhyun is talking about a new guy who just moved across the street. They are a month and two days in and Sungmin has had enough of watching Kyuhyun cry. He has had enough of those tears, the sadness. He wants to hold Kyuhyun, to feel those arms around him, wants those lips on his. He wants to have Kyuhyun moving above him, caressing. He needs to be in Kyuhyun’s arms, back in their apartment, falling into soft sheets and even softer nights and promises. He wants his old life back.
He wants Kyuhyun back.
Sungmin doesn’t know how this works because he has never been a floating spirit waiting to return to his body. He thinks—based on all those books he read—that maybe he can sort of slide into himself. Kyuhyun is still talking, whispering something that Sungmin isn’t paying attention to. He looks at his body on the bed and thinks that he should try going at it from the top. He is climbing onto the bed when Kyuhyun speaks.
“I love you Sungmin.” Kyuhyun whispers.
Sungmin stops mid step. He looks at Kyuhyun. The brown eyes are looking at him, or at the body that was once Sungmin. Kyuhyun is crying again, but there is an edge to it, like he is saying goodbye, like this is it. It scares Sungmin more than he is willing to admit.
“Kyuhyun.” He whispers moving forward so that he is standing right next to Kyuhyun. “Kyuhyun, please, don’t let go yet.”
Kyuhyun doesn’t hear him. Kyuhyun never hears him. Not once since Sungmin fell into whatever he is in has Kyuhyun ever heard him. Sungmin used to scream in the beginning, used to wave his hands, try to pick up things. He used to try so hard until he realized that Kyuhyun couldn’t see him, couldn’t hear him. He stopped trying after a while, but he never stopped hoping.
“Kyuhyun.” Sungmin said. “Please. I’m right here. Listen to me. Right here Kyu. I’m right here.”
Kyuhyun looks up and Sungmin freezes. Their eyes lock and Sungmin feels it. He can feel Kyuhyun’s eyes looking at him. For a second Sungmin thinks that this is it, that this is his way out. He hopes for a second, but then Kyuhyun gets up and closes the window.
“I swore I closed that when I came in.” Kyuhyun mutters shaking his head as he takes his seat next to Sungmin’s body again.
Sungmin gets his next idea from that. He tries so hard to move things, to touch them. He wants to do it because that is the only way he can think to communicate with Kyuhyun. The problem, of course, is that Sungmin can’t touch anything. He can’t pick things up. He tries until he’s left, alone, cold, wanting.
Kyuhyun’s visits get further apart as the months turns to three. Sungmin has taken to standing by the window, looking down, waiting to see that fluffy hair, those sunglasses that Kyuhyun sometimes wears. He has memorized the sound of Kyuhyun’s car on the pavement. It is pathetic, but Sungmin wants Kyuhyun to come back so much it hurts. He wants to be able to hold Kyuhyun’s hand again. Small touches, the brush of hands, the kisses on the cheeks: it’s the small things that Sungmin misses the most.
He’s by the window again; the calendar he keeps in his head says that it’s been two months and twenty days since Sungmin went into the coma. Sungmin hears Kyuhyun’s car before he sees it. He knows better than to be excited because excitement will just hurt. It always hurts because Kyuhyun stays less and less each visit.
Sungmin waits by the side of the bed. He looks down at the thing that is supposed to be him. He can still see part of himself in the body on the bed. The Sungmin on the bed has his same nose, straight, perfect. He recognizes the hair, the lips, the hands, the arms. Except that the Sungmin on the bed isn’t him. Sungmin is standing next to this body. He is Sungmin. He just needs to figure out how to get back to his body before Kyuhyun realizes that the Sungmin on that bed isn’t the real Sungmin.
“Sungmin?”
Sungmin looks up as Kyuhyun comes into the room. Kyuhyun walks over the body and takes its hand. Sungmin sighs and sits down on the windowsill. Kyuhyun’s car is still outside, not parked. Sungmin raises an eyebrow as he tries to see who could possibly be in Kyuhyun’s car.
“Sungmin.” Kyuhyun whispers. “Sungmin, do you remember how we talked about what we would want the other to do if we were ever like this, like you are now? Do you remember how you made me promise that I would wait only the two required two months before pulling you off?”
Sungmin’s heart goes cold. “No.”
“Do you remember babe?” Kyuhyun chokes out. “Do you remember how you said I had to do it?”
“Kyuhyun.” Sungmin whispers.
Sungmin’s heart feels like it’s running a million miles an hour. He wants to say something, scream something, but of course he can’t. He knows what he asked Kyuhyun to promise and he knows what Kyuhyun said. He knows this all very well, but he isn’t dead. He is here, in front of Kyuhyun.
“I love you Min.” Kyuhyun says.
Sungmin watches as Kyuhyun leans down. He closes his eyes and he can feel Kyuhyun’s lips against his. He can almost taste Kyuhyun, is so close to reaching that place where he wants to be, but then Kyuhyun pulls away.
“I’m so sorry.” Kyuhyun says. “I’m sorry, but I can’t do it.”
Sungmin’s heart drops down to his feet. He watches as Kyuhyun leaves, watches him go out of the hospital through the window. It is then that Sungmin sees him, coming out the car, opening the door, hands on Kyuhyun’s shoulders like they belong there.
He’s tall, long legged, with dark reddish hair. The clothes are expensive, name brand and those sunglasses on the man’s face don’t look cheap. Sungmin knows because he knows the expensive when he sees it. The way the man walks too. It’s all about money. Sungmin doesn’t like him. He likes him even less because Kyuhyun gets into the car, the passenger’s side. Kyuhyun never let Sungmin drive, but he is letting this man drive.
Kyuhyun doesn’t come back after that. Sungmin waits for him, but a week goes by and then another. His mental calendar says that it’s been three weeks since Kyuhyun visited last. Sungmin spends his days sitting by the windowsill watching the cars drive by. He has been in a coma for three months and a half. The doctors who come in to see him have said that he is not going to come back. They look at him, pity in their eyes. They seem sad, especially when Sungmin’s mother is there, but Sungmin can see right through them.
The doctors and nurses see him as someone who is just taking up space. They have given up on him. Sungmin knows that, to them, he is dead. He can’t bring himself to like any of them. Doctors are such impersonal people. They do not understand, can never hope to understand and Sungmin hates them; a little more than he hates himself for not finding a way back.
He meets Siwon on the four month anniversary of his coma. Kyuhyun still hasn’t shown up and Sungmin has started losing hope in him too. The only person who is there every day without fail is his mother. Even his friend, Eunhyuk, has stopped coming. It’s like everyone is leaving him, little by little they are forgetting him. Sungmin is scared, because now he isn’t sure if he really is alive or dead.
“You’re alive you know.”
Sungmin turns to look behind him and that’s when he sees him. It’s another man, tall, good looking. Sungmin likes his eyes, big, dark eyes that look wonderful on that handsome face. Sungmin pegs the man as a pampered, rich kid, probably well-mannered too.
“You’re still pretty much alive.” The man says. “If you were dead, you would be like me.”
“Like you?” Sungmin asks.
“Happy.” The man says. “My name is Siwon.”
“Sungmin.”
Siwon nods and takes his hand. “I know who you are. I was watching you. I think I’m supposed to help you.”
“Help me how?’ Sungmin asks not bothering to take his hand away from Siwon’s.
It is comfortable for some reason. He gets this sort of peace from Siwon, something that calms him and Sungmin stays there. He stays next to Siwon because he hasn’t felt calm in a long time.
“You know I can teach you things.” Siwon says. “Maybe if you know more about what you are and what you can do, you’ll be able to decide what is it that you need to do.”
Siwon teaches him many things. He teaches Sungmin that he can leave the hospital. Sungmin takes to walking the streets at night. He still waits every morning and afternoon for some sign of Kyuhyun, but at night he lets go. He walks along the streets, follows paths he’s never even seen before. He can travel, far and get back even faster. Siwon teaches him that he can watch people. Sungmin can go see Kyuhyun if he wants to.
He doesn’t do it in the beginning. Sungmin kind of likes Siwon because Siwon is sort of like him. Siwon used to be alive once. When he was alive Siwon used to love another man, one with long hair and a wild beauty. Heechul was his name. Siwon loved Heechul like he loved no one else and Heechul loved him. Siwon’s life had been perfect, wonderful. He lived with Heechul, pampered him. Everything was perfect, until Siwon had gone to China.
It was supposed to be a business trip, routine to check how the foreign stocks were doing. Siwon left without thinking too much about it. He’d promised Heechul a present, something nice, because after all Siwon rarely went to China since he moved in with Heechul. The trip was bad, but not for Siwon. He met Han Geng in China and there was something about the quiet, Chinese man that had Siwon opening up in ways he could never do with Heechul.
Han Geng took the part of Siwon that Heechul couldn’t take. He took the vulnerable, young, wild spirit. Han Geng was just like Siwon, both so insane and free and Siwon didn’t know why he was so attracted, until it was too late. Han Geng hadn’t known that Siwon was living with someone else. Siwon never told him.
“I loved him.” Siwon says one day while he and Sungmin are sitting on the roof of the hospital watching the stars. “I loved him because he was beautiful and free. I loved him because he took my hand and made me feel like a kid. And then he was a kid too and I wanted to protect him.”
“But you had Heechul.” Sungmin says looking at the left side of Siwon’s face.
“I had Heechul and I loved him…I loved them both…I still do. I lived to protect Heechul, to make sure he had whatever he wanted. But, there was Han Geng and he let me have what I wanted.” Siwon says as he turns to look at Siwon. “He made me feel free. I love that about him. I love how he is in China. How happy he is.”
“What happened?”
Siwon tells Sungmin about the nights in China, about the warm nights, the quiet exchange of words. Siwon tells Sungmin of nights with legs tangled together, hands touching every inch of skin, of Han Geng and Siwon. Sungmin listens. He listens to Siwon explaining how hard it was to hide it, how he tried so hard to tell Heechul and how he couldn’t.
“What happened the night you died?” Sungmin asks one day when they’re practicing flying.
“I didn’t die.” Siwon says. “I was on the way back to Korea. They both knew then. I just never made it back home. The plane crashed. I was the only one who didn’t die right away. They took me to the hospital. They knew I wasn’t going to make, but I didn’t let go. I was like you Sungmin. I stayed, watching everyone, because I needed to finish something. I just didn’t know what.”
“So, after you found it,” Sungmin paused, “after you found it, you died?”
Siwon smiled. “No Sungmin. I died because I let go. I chose to leave. Heechul called Han Geng and told him about the accident. I don’t know why he did it. Maybe he just wanted Han Geng with him because that was who I loved. I loved them both. And when they saw each other, they didn’t hate each other. Heechul cried first. He got violent and Han Geng didn’t run away. He stayed.”
Siwon stops and looks out at the stars. “He held up Heechul. They held up each other. That’s why I left, because they didn’t need me.”
Sungmin nods. “Do you miss them?”
Siwon laughs. “Sungmin, if you stay with me I won’t miss them anymore.”
Sungmin doesn’t know what to say because he isn’t sure if Siwon is completely joking. Sungmin has thought about it more than once. He’s spent too much time with Siwon, but even if he does like Siwon, it’s not the same. No matter how much he learns, Sungmin still knows that he has to go back.
“I need to see him.”
Siwon nods. “I won’t be here much longer. If you’ve decided what you’re going to do then I have to leave.”
Sungmin turns to Siwon. He looks at those big, brown eyes. He can only begin to imagine what Siwon had to go through, what Heechul and Han Geng felt. He doesn’t like the idea of Siwon being upset.
“Don’t miss me too much.” Sungmin whispers as he leans forward. “I wouldn’t want you to cry over me at night.”
Siwon smiles, leans forward and Sungmin brushes their lips together. Siwon took care of him, taught him things and Sungmin knows he will miss him.
“You just need to step back in.” Siwon says even as he begins to fade. “Once you know you want to go back, just step in.”
Sungmin thinks he needs more of an explanation, but Siwon is gone. He knows what he has to do though. He needs to see Kyuhyun. Sungmin needs to know why Kyuhyun hasn’t come to see him in over two months. He needs to know.
Sungmin doesn’t go that night. He waits until the next night to go. He walks along the streets. He passes the park, dark in the night, quiet. He and Kyuhyun used to sneak in after they closed the doors and sit on the swings, just watching the stars. Sungmin remembers well the nights they sat side by side, fingers twined together. It was in that park that Kyuhyun promised he would love Sungmin forever.
Sungmin stops only for a second to stare at the lonely swings. He keeps going, passing the restaurants where Kyuhyun used to take him. He pauses at an alley between a Korean market and an apartment building. That was where Kyuhyun asked him to move in with him. Sungmin remembers walking away because of all the places in the world, Kyuhyun had chosen a dirty alley.
Sungmin spares a smile as he keeps going. He passes the buildings, the people walking. He doesn’t need to be careful because he isn’t human yet. His body is still in that hospital bed, alone. He walks to the building where he and Kyuhyun lived…live.
The door is no problem. Sungmin doesn’t need a door. He walks in. The living room is quiet, too quiet for this time of night. Kyuhyun is usually up playing a game or watching television. Sungmin takes his time. He is no rush and he hasn’t seen this place in months. He walks through the living room. Everything is where it’s supposed to be.
It’s when he gets to the kitchen that he sees the problem. The dishes are washed and on the rack to dry, but there are two sets of dishes, two plates, two cups. Kyuhyun is one person, not two. Sungmin is almost afraid to go into the room, into their room. He does it because he needs to make sure.
He slips inside and finds Kyuhyun curled up on the couch, his head resting on another man’s lap.
“Zhou Mi.” Kyuhyun whispers and it is then that Sungmin sees the tears rolling down his face. “Zhou Mi, it hurts.”
Zhou Mi. Zhou Mi is the same man who picked up Kyuhyun the last time he was at the hospital. Sungmin doesn’t like Zhou Mi. He doesn’t like the man who is sitting on his couch, with Kyuhyun’s head on his lap. Sungmin doesn’t even bother to see the way Zhou Mi’s eyes are worried as he brushes Kyuhyun’s hair away.
“I know it hurts Kui Xian.”
Sungmin laughs. It’s bitter and loud and they can’t hear it.
Zhou Mi runs his hands through Kyuhyun’s hair, smoothing it down as he murmurs comforting words into Kyuhyun’s ear. Sungmin watches the way Kyuhyun falls into that touch.
“Get your hands off him.” Sungmin says.
No one hears it.
“I want it to stop.” Kyuhyun whispers. “Please. I’ve waited two months and it won’t go away. I just…I need it to stop Zhou Mi. Make it stop.”
Sungmin stops breathing. He can’t take the raw aching hurt in Kyuhyun’s voice. He can’t stand to hear that pain, can’t listen to what Kyuhyun is asking for. He doesn’t want to hear it. Kyuhyun can’t want to forget him. Kyuhyun can’t forget Sungmin because they promised to love each other forever. They moved in together and Kyuhyun can’t forget Sungmin.
“You don’t really want to forget.” Zhou Mi says.
“I do. I want it to go away. I want to just forget. Just for now. Zhou Mi, please.”
Sungmin watches as Kyuhyun leans forwards, lips crashing over Zhou Mi’s. He can’t move as Kyuhyun pushes Zhou Mi down onto the couch. He can’t look away as clothes start coming off, Kyuhyun’s hands fighting to get every piece of clothing off Zhou Mi. Sungmin can’t look away as Zhou Mi lets go, his hands fitting into Kyuhyun’s hair.
Sungmin watches because he can’t leave. Every single touch between them, every gentle caress burns into his heart. Kyuhyun cries, his breath going ragged as he moves over and over into Zhou Mi. Sungmin watches him, watches the way Kyuhyun loses himself in Zhou Mi’s soft cries. Kyuhyun used to lose himself that way with him.
Sungmin doesn’t know what to make of what happens in front of him. He can’t do anything but watch as Kyuhyun pulls Zhou Mi against him.
“Kui Xian,” Zhou Mi whispers, “you need to go see him. You love him and he loves you. Don’t abandon him.”
But, even that doesn’t make it any better. Sungmin can’t unsee them. He can’t get the image of Kyuhyun running his hands over Zhou Mi’s skin. He can’t get the image of Zhou Mi arching his back like that. He can’t stop hearing them, their noises, their cries. All he can see is Zhou Mi with his long legs around Kyuhyun’s waist. All he can see is Kyuhyun gasping out Zhou Mi’s name, kissing down that long white neck. He doesn’t even care that Kyuhyun is hurting and probably just looking for release.
He can’t because that look in Zhou Mi’s eyes is full of something that Sungmin is afraid of.
Love.
Zhou Mi is in love with Kyuhyun.
Sungmin leaves them that night and doesn’t go back to his body. He wants to watch them. He needs to see them together, needs to make sure that it is Zhou Mi who is starting this and not Kyuhyun. He needs Zhou Mi to be the bad guy because Sungmin could never hate Kyuhyun. He doesn’t want to.
He follows them. Kyuhyun takes Zhou Mi out to breakfast the next day. They sit at one of the cafés that line the street. It isn’t the one where Kyuhyun usually took Sungmin. It’s one of the newer ones, the classier ones.
Sungmin doesn’t know whether to be sad or angry. He settles for a combination of both. He can’t stand watching Zhou Mi and Kyuhyun. He hates that smile on Zhou Mi’s face. He hates the way Zhou Mi leans in when he has to talk to Kyuhyun. He hates how Kyuhyun smiles every time Zhou Mi looks at him. He hates them more and more each day, but because Sungmin could never hate Kyuhyun; he just hates Zhou Mi.
It’s what they do at night, the way Kyuhyun falls at Zhou Mi, that sets Sungmin off. He can’t stand the way Kyuhyun is so needy, so wanting. He can’t take the way Zhou Mi says no sometimes, refuses, only t give in the end. Sungmin hates Zhou Mi for not being stronger. He hates Zhou Mi for loving Kyuhyun.
Sungmin really doesn’t know why he waits so long. He lets another three months pass. It makes a total of five months since Kyuhyun went to see him and nine months since the crash. Kyuhyun doesn’t even bat an eyelash at the pictures of Sungmin anymore. He even has one of Zhou Mi pouting at the camera from the time they went to the amusement park together.
Sungmin can see the way Zhou Mi is pushing him out. Zhou Mi is all hugs and smiles. Zhou Mi is adorable in a way that suits him so well. Zhou Mi is what Sungmin can’t be. Zhou Mi is long legged and beautiful. Sungmin admits it, but that just makes him hate Zhou Mi all the more.
Kyuhyun doesn’t seem to hate Zhou Mi. Kyuhyun seems to be very happy with Zhou Mi. They’ve stopped falling into bed at every turn. Sungmin thinks that this means they are cooling off, that Kyuhyun will come back to the hospital. He thinks that maybe he will win after all. That is, until that night.
Zhou Mi and Kyuhyun come back from their walk, hands together, all smiles and laughs. They’re at Zhou Mi’s apartment, on Zhou Mi’s front porch. This is where they say goodnight. This is where Zhou Mi kisses Kyuhyun’s cheek and then walks in. Or that’s how it’s supposed to go.
What happens instead is that just as Zhou Mi is leaning forward to kiss Kyuhyun’s cheek, Kyuhyun moves. Their lips meet, a soft brush, but it is enough to spur Kyuhyun forward. Sungmin doesn’t know what to do to make it stop. Kyuhyun’s hands are in Zhou Mi’s hair, their lips molded perfectly together. And it isn’t about how rough or hard they kiss. This kiss is different and that is why Sungmin is afraid.
The kiss is soft. The way Kyuhyun moves forward to hold Zhou Mi close. Sungmin doesn’t want to be here. He knows what happens next. He knows Zhou Mi will take Kyuhyun into his apartment. He can already picture them, falling into bed, soft covers around them. He can see Kyuhyun moving slowly, his lips kissing every part of Zhou Mi’s skin.
Sungmin can see them even if they are gone and he isn’t following them. He knows that Kyuhyun will take extra care as he removes Zhou Mi’s clothes. Kyuhyun will stop every once in a while to kiss Zhou Mi, to make sure that Zhou Mi is okay. Sungmin doesn’t know Zhou Mi enough to know what Zhou Mi will do, but he knows exactly how Kyuhyun will work it.
It will be slow, tender, full of gentle kisses. Sungmin knows because he saw the look in Kyuhyun’s eyes. Kyuhyun is in love with Zhou Mi. They love each other. Sungmin doesn’t want to be there anymore. He goes away. He decides it that night.
He is going back.
---
The journey back is smoother than Sungmin expects it to be, but then he is walking and walking has always been soothing. He walks along the street, trying to erase images that aren’t even there. He can see them, engraved in his mind. He can imagine them together, in that bed, legs tangled, voices low as they talk. Kyuhyun is not a talker, not much of a cuddler, but that’s all Sungmin can see him as. He sees him with Zhou Mi, hands on each other, possessive, but gentle.
Sungmin doesn’t realize he’s back in the hospital until he sees his body on the bed. He’s paler than he was in the beginning, almost too pale, like maybe he’s slipping. His body looks fragile, weak, breathing shallow. Sungmin looks at himself for the first time, because that is him on that bed. He is there, not here, not anymore. He belongs back in his body, back at home, back with Kyuhyun.
“Step into it.” Sungmin murmurs as he walks to the bed. “Just like Siwon said.”
It feels like he’s drowning. The first to go are his feet, being sucked into nowhere. He panics, but it doesn’t stop. His legs go next, all so fast. Before he knows it, his hips are gone. He can’t feel anything below his waist. Sungmin moves or tries to, but then his torso is gone, his fingers, arms. His head is last to go, sensations fading.
The last thing Sungmin thinks before his world blacks out is that he’s not ready to go. He needs to be with Kyuhyun.
----
“This is him. That’s Sungmin.”
“He’s very pretty.”
“He is. He just looks so fragile now, like he’s going to break. I don’t think I can do it anymore Zhou Mi. I don’t want to see him there like that. He made me promise that I would let him go. I think it’s time.”
“You don’t mean that. You wanted to wait.”
“I know. I know, but Sungmin didn’t want me to wait. He made me promise that I would let him go, that I would be strong enough to let him go.”
“You’re not ready.”
“I am Zhou Mi. I am ready because you’re here.”
“You don’t have to do it.”
“I want to. I owe it to Sungmin. Just…can you please stay with me when they do it?”
“Of course. I’ll stay. I’ll always stay.”
“Promise.”
“I promise.”
Sungmin can hear the words, knows who they belong to, but he can’t open his eyes. He wants to, needs to because Kyuhyun is there. He’s there with him, with Zhou Mi. Kyuhyun is there with the long legged, Chinese…
“Sungmin.”
Kyuhyun’s voice is by his ear. Sungmin can feel it, feel the way Kyuhyun’s breath tickles his ear.
“I love you, but I think it’s time to let you go. I love you. I’ll always love you. Please forgive me.”
Sungmin knows he has to move. He has to let Kyuhyun know that he’s fine, that he can hear him. He needs to move. It’s not easy, opening his eyes. It feels like Sungmin’s eyes have been glued together. The more he tries to open them, the harder they seem to shut until he’s fighting with everything he has to pull them open. It’s hard and it hurts, but Sungmin does it.
He’s looking at a pretty man with a friendly face. He has red hair and his eyes are wide behind his glasses. Sungmin almost likes him, until he recognizes him. It’s him. It’s Zhou Mi.
“Kui Xian.” Zhou Mi whispers, eyes still fixed on Sungmin.
Sungmin blinks, wants to say yes, but he can’t move. Zhou Mi looks at him one more time, then bolts for it. The doctors come in five seconds later. There is a lot of fuss, lots of tubes being removed, inserted. There are many questions. Sungmin has trouble answering some of them. He can’t remember much, but he does remember Kyuhyun and Zhou Mi. He remembers them very well.
Kyuhyun is the last one to come in. When he does he is alone and Sungmin is glad.
“Hello.” Kyuhyun whispers standing by the door. “How are you Sungmin?”
Sungmin frowns. “Why are you all the way over there?”
Kyuhyun looks at him. He’s blinking too much. Sungmin recognizes that look, the way Kyuhyun doesn’t look at him.
“Come here.” Sungmin whispers.
Kyuhyun looks up and then he’s walking over. Their lips hit each other hard. There are tears, many of them. There is laughter, relieved laughter as Kyuhyun holds his hand, looks at him.
“Sungmin,” Kyuhyun says like he can’t believe it, “Sungmin.”
Sungmin looks at him, into those dark eyes. Kyuhyun is there, no Zhou Mi. It’s just him and Kyuhyun. Alone. Together.
“I love you.” Sungmin says.
Kyuhyun looks at him. “I love you too.”
“Will you stay with me?” Sungmin asks. “Please.”
Kyuhyun smiles. “Of course. I just need to drive Zhou Mi home.”
“Zhou Mi?” Sungmin asks.
He doesn’t imagine the way Kyuhyun’s eyes shift away, like he’s trying to hide something. Sungmin doesn’t need Kyuhyun to tell him why. He knows. He remembers everything, even Siwon.
“Zhou Mi is…he’s…he was with me through all of this Sungmin. I don’t think I could have made it this far without him. I owe him at least a ride home.”
Sungmin nods like he understands. He nods like it’s okay when it isn’t. You slept with him, he wants to say. You lied to me. You cheated.
“Give Zhou Mi a ride home and tell him I said thank you.”
“Do you want to see him?”
The hope in Kyuhyun’s eyes hurts. It hurts because Sungmin doesn’t want to see him but Kyuhyun wishes he did.
“Send him in.”
Kyuhyun kisses him. “You’ll love him.”
Sungmin manages a smile, wants to say that he will, but Kyuhyun is gone. It doesn’t take a minute, barely the ten seconds Sungmin needs to pull himself together. Kyuhyun is back, his hand twined with Zhou Mi’s.
“Sungmin,” Kyuhyun says, “This is Zhou Mi. Mi, this is Sungmin.”
Zhou Mi flashes him a pretty smile. Sungmin thinks that Zhou Mi is a beautiful actor. Fake. That’s all he can see because Zhou Mi can’t be real. Sungmin doesn’t want him to be real. Sungmin wishes he were gone, not there. He doesn’t want Zhou Mi’s eyes looking at him, so sad and still so happy.
“Can I talk to him alone for a second?” Sungmin asks.
Kyuhyun nods, lets go of Zhou Mi’s hand and walks out. Sungmin looks at Zhou Mi’s hand. It looks so empty, like Kyuhyun’s hand belongs there.
“So, you helped Kyuhyun?” Sungmin says.
He looks up and there are Zhou Mi’s eyes looking at him again. Zhou Mi is tall, Sungmin thinks. He has long legs, nice legs, a pretty face, an almost delicate look about him. He’s pretty, the kind who dresses well, probably wastes a lot of money on pointless shopping.
“I didn’t really help him.” Zhou Mi says. “I was just there to listen when he needed to talk.”
And fuck him, Sungmin wants to add. He doesn’t.
Sungmin looks out the window. It’s not dark yet, but the sun is setting. He can see out and above some of the shorter buildings. The clouds, the sun, the buildings. He remembers walking out there, flying above all of it. He remembers sitting on the rooftop of the hospital. It was less complicated then, when he didn’t know about Zhou Mi and Kyuhyun.
“Leave him.” Sungmin says.
“I’m sorry?”
Sungmin turns his head, his eyes locking with Zhou Mi’s.
“Leave him.” he repeats. “Leave him and don’t come back.”
“Sungmin-sshi, I…” Zhou Mi shakes his head. “I’m sorry, I don’t really know—“
“You love him.” Sungmin says. “He’s confused. I was here first Zhou Mi. Please, just…just go and don’t bother us. I don’t deserve it. He doesn’t deserve it. Please.”
It’s selfish. It’s mean. He knows it is, but Sungmin was there first. He was there first and Kyuhyun loves him. He’s loved Kyuhyun longer than Zhou Mi has known him. If anyone should stay then it’s him. Him and Kyuhyun.
“I know.” Zhou Mi says, voice small, eyes fixed on Sungmin. “I know you’ve loved him longer than I have. I know he’s loved you longer. I know all of it. But, that doesn’t mean I don’t love him the same way and with the same strength. I love him Sungmin-sshi.”
“One of us has to go.” Sungmin says.
He’s not going to back away. He’s not going to let Zhou Mi take away what he loves more than anything in the whole world. Sungmin never gives up. He doesn’t let go. Kyuhyun loves him and he loves Kyuhyun and it’s Zhou Mi who is extra.
Zhou Mi nods. “I know one of us has to go. And I know it has to be me. I just want you to know that I didn’t do anything that Kyuhyun didn’t want. Everything that happened was because he wanted it to happen. I respect your relationship with him and I will leave.”
“I have your word?”
Zhou Mi swallows, but nods, “Yes.”
They say nothing and Zhou Mi takes the clue. He’s almost out the door when he stops. One of his hands is on the doorknob, long fingers wrapped around it. He looks at Sungmin. Sungmin looks back into those eyes, sad eyes. Somehow sad doesn’t seem to fit on Zhou Mi’s face. It doesn’t fit because Sungmin has seen Zhou M smile. He has seen Zhou Mi bursting with energy, pulling Kyuhyun along. He has seen them together, laughing, free, without a care in the world.
Sadness just doesn’t belong on Zhou Mi’s face after Sungmin has seen that.
“Keep him happy.” Zhou Mi says. “Take care of him. He needs a lot more care than you think.”
“He doesn’t.” Sungmin says. “Kyuhyun is strong.”
Zhou Mi smiles. ”Yes he is, but sometimes he needs to be taken care of.”
Zhou Mi steps out, closing the door behind him. Sungmin wants to call him back. Zhou Mi is no one to tell Sungmin anything. Sungmin knows Kyuhyun. He knows that Kyuhyun is not the kind of person who likes to be fussed over. Kyuhyun doesn’t need to be protected. Kyuhyun likes to protect.
Of course Kyuhyun likes to protect. Sungmin settles back on his pillows. Zhou Mi has no idea what he’s talking about.
But, even then, Sungmin can remember well the way Kyuhyun laughed, so carefree, so happy when he was with Zhou Mi. Just like a kid, so unlike how he was with Sungmin.
He brushes it away. He blames it on the fact that Kyuhyun was insecure because Sungmin was in the hospital. He pushes it away to anything because there is no way that Kyuhyun could ever need Zhou Mi. He can’t need Zhou Mi. Sungmin can’t let that happen.
He just can’t, but even then he realizes that it’s not really Zhou Mi he hates. It’s more the idea of Zhou Mi and Kyuhyun together. The idea that Kyuhyun will spend time alone with Zhou Mi now. He doesn’t like that idea. Zhou Mi he can stand. Sungmin isn’t the kind of person to judge on looks. It’s just, he never saw Zhou Mi. He always saw them, both, together.
---
Kyuhyun comes back in an hour, exactly the time it takes for him to drop off Zhou Mi and come back. Sungmin knows because it’s his job to know.
“Hey there.” Sungmin says when Kyuhyun comes in.
“Hi.” Kyuhyun says.
“Is something wrong?”
Kyuhyun looks up and that’s how Sungmin knows that Zhou Mi is gone.
---
Things go back to normal or as normal as Sungmin can hope for. Kyuhyun comes to the hospital every day, stays with him until the nurses of Sungmin’s parents kick him out. They tell him that he needs sleep, but Kyuhyun stays, always stays as long as he can. Sungmin knows he isn’t seeing Zhou Mi because the old Kyuhyun is back.
“You know the doctors say I can leave in the afternoon.” Sungmin tells Kyuhyun one day.
Kyuhyun looks away from the window. He’s smiling and Sungmin notices that it’s not the same as the one Kyuhyun has with Zhou Mi. This one is different. It doesn’t mean it’s not real. It’s just not the same.
“So I can take you home?” Kyuhyun says going over to pull Sungmin into his arms. “You can be all mine again? No one to bother us?”
Sungmin’s breath catches at his throat. “Just us. No one else.”
Kyuhyun’s lip on his neck tell him that yes, it’s just the two of them.
“Kyu,” Sungmin whispers, “Kyu, go get the doctor. Tell him that I want to leave.”
Kyuhyun pulls away laughing. “Not yet. You need to stay here until the doctor says you can go home. But, I promise that I’ll have something nice waiting for you when you get home.”
Sungmin doubts it, but later when Kyuhyun is helping him into the back seat of the car, he doesn’t doubt it so much. Sungmin is holding on to a ridiculous amount of alcohol. Kyuhyun’s way of saying welcome home. He’s not allowed to drink, but Kyuhyun tells him that they’ll save it for later.
Kyuhyun is too happy; there is too much enthusiasm in the way he talks to Sungmin.
“Kyu, is something wrong?” Sungmin asks as they pull into a parking space.
“No.” Kyuhyun says.
It’s too quick and they both know it’s a lie. Sungmin lets it go and Kyuhyun doesn’t mention anything about it until Sungmin is sitting down on the couch in their living room.
“Everything looks just like the way I left it.” Sungmin comments. “Why? I would have thought the place would be a complete mess by the time I got home.”
“Zhou Mi…he…he used to come and help me keep the apartment clean. He…he…”
“Is something wrong?” Sungmin asks.
Kyuhyun shakes his head. “We just had a small argument. It’s nothing. It doesn’t really matter.”
Sungmin nods, opens his arms and Kyuhyun is there. The first kisses are small, soft, searching. It feels like their first time, the time where Kyuhyun was scared because Sungmin just knew more. Now, they know each other, every touch is soft, caressing.
Sungmin falls onto the bed, his back hitting the mattress. He lets out a soft oomph as Kyuhyun climbs over him. Hands on skin and Sungmin’s back is arching off the bed as he presses closer to Kyuhyun. Hot breath against Sungmin’s ear.
“Kyu.” Sungmin whispers.
Kyuhyun says nothing, just slides his hands under Sungmin’s shirt. Those fingers, nimble as they remove Sungmin’s shirt. It’s fast, their legs tangled together. It’s rough, the need they both feel coursing through them. It’s been so long, way too long and all Sungmin wants to do is feel. Every touch from Kyuhyun sends a burning line down Sungmin’s spine. It’s like fire, burning at them from all sides.
There’s no one there, not for Sungmin. It’s just him and Kyuhyun, both of them tangled in an embrace so tight there’s no way to tell them apart. He’s been waiting for this, untainted, pure, just him and Kyuhyun.
“I love you.” Sungmin whispers.
Kyuhyun pulls away, their eyes lock. “I love you too.”
Sungmin believes him.
---
Three months and Sungmin thinks that life is going well. He can get up on his own, no need for anyone to watch him. He’s even got a job to help pay for the medical bills and the doctors say he can go back to finishing his degree in another month. The best part of life at the moment is that Kyuhyun hasn’t talked about or looked for Zhou Mi.
“So where are we going?” Kyuhyun asks.
Sungmin shakes his head and keeps walking. “It’s a surprise.”
They’re going shopping for books, things to replace Kyuhyun’s addicting with video games. Sungmin doesn’t think that a man Kyuhyun’s age should be obsessed with video games, much less spend as much time as he does on them.
“You like books right?” Sungmin asks, pushing Kyuhyun inside the store.
“Min,” Kyuhyun complains, “I hate books. Why didn’t we go to a video game store?”
“Because,” Sungmin says, “You have enough video games at home to kill a teenager. Go find something to exercise your brain with. I need a book on guitar notes.”
“You’re going back to that?” Kyuhyun asks pulling out a heavy book from above Sungmin’s head.
Sungmin nods, flipping through the book in his hand. It’s about Chinese history and it’s the last thing he wants to see. He puts it back, following the language section. Korean, he wants to get to the Korean section, away from the Chinese.
“Gege, we don’t really need that.”
Sungmin recognizes that voice and it would just be his luck that he had to run into Zhou Mi at this bookstore…that happens to be right near where he lives. Sungmin wants to hit himself, is going to, but Kyuhyun is walking away from him.
“Kyu, wait.” Sungmin calls turning the corner with Kyuhyun.
He really shouldn’t have worried. Zhou Mi is there, but he’s not alone. Sungmin can recognize Zhou Mi, even with the changes there have been to the man. Zhou Mi is dressed as always, a screaming fashion statement. His hair is a darker red than the last time Sungmin saw him. He’s not wearing glasses now and there’s something softer about his face.
Sungmin looks at the other man. He supposes that this is the reason why Zhou Mi looks calmer, more peaceful. It has to be this long legged man, with the dark hair and tanned skin. Both he and Zhou Mi are tall, leaning against each other. Zhou Mi’s hand is resting possessively on the other man’s shoulder, his chin resting on the other shoulder.
“Zhou Mi,” the other man says, “you know we don’t need it. We never need anything you buy. You and Heechul will drive me bankrupt one day you know. I think I deserve this one thing. It’s just a book.”
“But, gege, we don’t really need more horror stories at home.”
“And we don’t really need more clothes at home either.”
“Geng-ge.” Zhou Mi pouts and Sungmin almost forgets that he doesn’t want to see Zhou Mi.
“No, Geng-ge.” Geng says failing to hide the fond smile on his face. “I am going to buy this book and no more shopping for today.”
“Next week then?”
Sungmin watches as Geng nods. He watches Zhou Mi’s smiling face as he hugs the air out of the man with him. There is a mention of home, of the two of them going home together. Sungmin watches the way Zhou Mi and this Geng walk out together, hand in hand. Zhou Mi is bouncing along like a four year old, speaking in rapid Chinese, because Sungmin knows that is not Korean.
“Sungmin.” Kyuhyun says.
Sungmin turns and he doesn’t like that look. It’s too hurt, too vulnerable. “What is it Kyu?”
“Did you ever take Chinese?” Kyuhyun asks.
“You know I didn’t. I wasn’t very good at it.”
Kyuhyun nods. “Yeah, I was good at it wasn’t I?”
“What does that have to do with anything?” Sungmin asks.
Sungmin refuses to make this easy. He is not going to let Kyuhyun remember Zhou Mi. Three months without him, without Kyuhyun calling him or seeing him. There is no way that Sungmin is going to let a chance meeting get in the way of what he and Kyuhyun have.
“Kyuhyun.” Sungmin says. “What’s wrong?”
“He said they’re going home.” Kyuhyun says looking at the store exit. “He said they were going to go to their house. They live together. Zhou Mi moved in with someone.”
“You know I’m right here right?” Sungmin says a lot harsher than he intends. “You’re living with me remember? We’ve been living together for two years now.”
Kyuhyun looks at him. It’s like he’s coming back from his own world. Sungmin looks at him, not sure he forgives him yet.
“I’m sorry.” Kyuhyun says.
“Who is Zhou Mi?”
“He’s no one.” Kyuhyun says.
It’s too fast and Sungmin knows he’s lying. He knows Kyuhyun is lying because he knows Kyuhyun. Sungmin knows he didn’t imagine the happiness inn Kyuhyun’s eyes when he heard Zhou Mi’s voice. He knows he didn’t imagine the pain behind those dark eyes when they saw Zhou Mi with Geng. And he knows that Zhou Mi was definitely not no one, not after Kyuhyun slept with him.
“It’s been months.” Sungmin says.
Kyuhyun looks at him too fast and it’s then that Sungmin realizes his mistake.
“What do you mean it’s been months?”
“You know exactly what I mean.” Sungmin answers refusing to back down. “You know fucking well what I mean. I’m not stupid. You slept with him didn’t you?”
“Sungmin…I…”
Sungmin shakes his head, puts a hand out. “I don’t want to hear it. It was a onetime thing right? It never happened after that? It was your mistake?”
Kyuhyun looks at him and there is something in those eyes that Sungmin doesn’t like. There is a lot that he doesn’t like. He doesn’t like the way Kyuhyun is trying to ask for forgiveness without saying a word. He doesn’t like the way Kyuhyun isn’t the least bit ashamed. He doesn’t like a lot of things, but he knows he has to deal with them. He can deal with them because Zhou Mi has this Geng and that means he doesn’t want Kyuhyun anymore.
“It wasn’t a mistake.” Kyuhyun says. “I’m sorry Min, but Zhou Mi was never a mistake. I lo…the point is, he was not a mistake. But, he’s over now. You saw him. He’s happy and I’m happy too.”
Sungmin doesn’t know if he believes it entirely, but there is nothing he can do, nothing Kyuhyun can do. Sungmin smiles, takes Kyuhyun’s hand and they go to pay. He puts his book away, walks out and thinks that he doesn’t really hate Zhou Mi anymore.
He’s never liked him and won’t ever like him, but he doesn’t hate him. He probably never really hated him, because that smile and just Zhou Mi in general make it hard to hate him. Sungmin doesn’t think he ever hated Zhou Mi, more the idea of Zhou Mi taking away Kyuhyun; that’s what Sungmin has always hated. But, Zhou Mi can’t do that anymore. Zhou Mi doesn’t want to anymore.
---
Sungmin wakes up alone that night. He reaches over in the dark but Kyuhyun isn’t there. He gets up, stretches and checks the bathroom first. Kyuhyun isn’t there. Sungmin has a pretty good idea what Kyuhyun is doing.
“Are you alright Kyuhyun?” Sungmin asks when he finds Kyuhyun in the living room.
“Yeah.” Kyuhyun answers. “Yeah, I’m fine. I was just worried about Zhou Mi. I keep calling him and he doesn’t answer. I just want to know if he’s okay.”
Sungmin says nothing. He doesn’t know what to say.
“I’m sorry.” Kyuhyun says. “Let’s go back to bed.”
Sungmin sighs. This isn’t how things were supposed to work. Kyuhyun isn’t supposed to be this worried. Kyuhyun is supposed to have let go, to have come back to Sungmin alone. There really is not more left in Sungmin. All the time he spent watching Kyuhyun and Zhou Mi, all of the time he spent worrying that Kyuhyun would go after Zhou Mi. All of that has finally taken its toll. Sungmin is tired and he doesn’t like Kyuhyun this way. He can’t stand to see that look in his eyes.
“Kyuhyun.” Sungmin asks when he gets to the room. “Do you love Zhou Mi?”
“I love you.” Kyuhyun answers.
It’s too fast, too rehearsed. That doesn’t mean it’s not real, doesn’t mean that Kyuhyun doesn’t mean it, but there is something behind that. Sungmin can hear it. He can hear it in the way Kyuhyun says it.
Sungmin smiles. “You didn’t really answer my question.”
“I told you that Zhou Mi and I are over. He…he was the one that said he got it, that he understood. He said he was leaving…that he always knew….” Kyuhyun pauses and Sungmin can hear the hurt behind that voice. “That’s over Sungmin. I’m here with you now. Just you and me like before.”
“It’s not like before.” Sungmin says. “It can’t be like before because you know him now. He made you happy when I couldn’t. You love him.”
“I don’t love him.” Kyuhyun growls. “I don’t love him. I love you.”
“You love him.” Sungmin snaps, his own anger getting the best of him. “You know you love him. Stop being a damn coward and admit that you love him. Admit that it’s killing you not knowing where he is. That it killed you to see him with that Chinese man today in the store. Admit it.”
“Fine.” Kyuhyun says, his voice falling into that low whisper of anger. “Fine, you want me to admit it, fine. I love him. I love him with all my heart and yes it did hurt me to see him so happy with someone else because, fuck it, it’s been three fucking months.”
Sungmin says nothing. He expected this. All the time he had with Kyuhyun. He had been expecting the day when Kyuhyun would walk out. He always knew that Zhou Mi had ground himself too into Kyuhyun to let him go. But, then Sungmin is here. He loves Kyuhyun and he can’t let him go. He doesn’t want to. It seems stupid to him now, this whole confronting thing. He should have just kept his mouth shut.
“If you love him so much then go find him. I’ll let you go.”
“No, no,” Kyuhyun says reaching over to take Sungmin’s face in his hand, “you don’t get it. I want him. I love him. But, I love you and I want you too. It’s…it’s just so damn frustrating.”
Sungmin watches Kyuhyun pull away. He watches Kyuhyun’s fingers running through his naturally messy hair. He’s seen this, all of this. He’s known Kyuhyun longer than Zhou Mi has. If anyone deserves Kyuhyun, it’s him, Sungmin, but he knows that look. Kyuhyun looks like a man who has made his decision, who knows what he is going to do.
Sungmin is afraid.
part 2
Pairing: kyumin, qmi, eventual!qmimin, side pairings include but are not limited to: hanchul
Genre: romance, drama, au
Rating: R (for some barely there action)
Summary: Sungmin laughs because really, all things considered, this is not a bad arrangement.
Note: For
pinkymingo for the help_japan thread.a/n: I promised somewhere between 5,000 and 15,000 words. I give you 14,244 and also a warning. This may not be exactly what you asked for.
January 23, 2014.
That is the day Sungmin is hit by the truck. The day before he had been talking to Kyuhyun about how cars always seemed to follow Kyuhyun. Kyuhyun had laughed and told him that cars loved Sungmin, but didn’t love him enough to want to hug him.
Hugs.
That’s what Kyuhyun called all those times he had been in a car accident. It was a particularly strong hug that had him in the hospital for so long that fist time it happened. It had been an over excited hug that had him in a coma for months, that had Sungmin and Kyuhyun’s family all worried to death. A stupid hug. Sungmin had wanted to punch Kyuhyun.
Now, well, turns out cars actually do like Sungmin enough to want to hug him. The irony is not lost on him. He even appreciates it, until the doctors announce that Sungmin is in a coma, that they don’t know if he will ever come out of it.
Sungmin knows there is something wrong the first time he tries to hug Kyuhyun. He hasn’t quite managed a hug, more like a quick run-through of Kyuhyun’s insides. It doesn’t take him long to figure out that he is there, but not really there. He is somewhere in the middle, hanging on between true death and life. Sungmin can still feel, some sort of ghost touch from his body. He can feel when a nurse comes to clean him up. He can feel the soft touches from his mother.
He can feel it all, but what he feels most are Kyuhyun’s touches. Sungmin learns that if he closes his eyes he can pretend that he is back in his body. He can pretend that he is sleeping and that Kyuhyun is touching him, gentle fingers running up his arms like Kyuhyun used to do back in their apartment. He learns to pretend, to live in those touches.
Sungmin does nothing the first few days. He isn’t sure he quite understands what it means that he is here, standing shimmering and unreal while his body is whole and under Kyuhyun’s almost constant supervision. He doesn’t get what it means for him. He doesn’t think he’s dead because he is sure there would be more fuss if here were dead.
Sungmin doesn’t understand the world he is in, but he knows it isn’t the world where Kyuhyun is. They go through a month like this. Sungmin sits next to his body and watches as Kyuhyun comes day after day to cry over him. He can feel the way Kyuhyun’s tears fall on his arms. The tears surprise him because Kyuhyun is not the type to cry that much. Sure, there were things that Kyuhyun cried over. His car accident is an important one, but Kyuhyun crying that way, with such abandon, with such pain, that breaks Sungmin’s heart.
Sungmin wants to do something, to maybe reach out and touch Kyuhyun’s hand, touch it and tell him that everything is fine, that he isn’t dead. At least, he doesn’t think so. Sungmin wants to be there now for Kyuhyun. He wants to appear to him, if that is the correct word. He wants to go back in his body and wake up. He wants to make this better, but he can’t.
He doesn’t know how.
So, Sungmin settles for watching. He sits next to his body on that bed as Kyuhyun tells him stories. Sometimes they are stories about Henry and Eunhyuk, their two friends. Kyuhyun tells Sungmin’s body that Eunhyuk and that other boy from across the street are finally talking. Sungmin wants to tell Kyuhyun that the boy’s name is Donghae and that Eunhyuk has had a crush on him since they were in high school. Sungmin also wants to tell Kyuhyun to get some sleep.
He can’t.
He tries, but Kyuhyun doesn’t even blink. Sungmin even tries getting up, right into Kyuhyun’s face and talking to him. Nothing works. Kyuhyun just sits on the chair next to Sungmin’s body’s bed and talks to the body that isn’t Sungmin. It really can’t be him, Sungmin thinks.
It can’t be him because he is here, on the body’s other side, feeling. He can feel, can taste if he concentrates enough. It isn’t tasting the way he used to taste, but Sungmin can taste nonetheless. It’s almost like he is inhaling the scent of whatever is around him. He tries to tell himself that it is okay, that it is fine. He tries to tell himself that he is still alive, just different, that he can go back whenever he wants to.
He just hasn’t figured out how.
Sungmin tries one night while Kyuhyun is there. Kyuhyun is talking about a new guy who just moved across the street. They are a month and two days in and Sungmin has had enough of watching Kyuhyun cry. He has had enough of those tears, the sadness. He wants to hold Kyuhyun, to feel those arms around him, wants those lips on his. He wants to have Kyuhyun moving above him, caressing. He needs to be in Kyuhyun’s arms, back in their apartment, falling into soft sheets and even softer nights and promises. He wants his old life back.
He wants Kyuhyun back.
Sungmin doesn’t know how this works because he has never been a floating spirit waiting to return to his body. He thinks—based on all those books he read—that maybe he can sort of slide into himself. Kyuhyun is still talking, whispering something that Sungmin isn’t paying attention to. He looks at his body on the bed and thinks that he should try going at it from the top. He is climbing onto the bed when Kyuhyun speaks.
“I love you Sungmin.” Kyuhyun whispers.
Sungmin stops mid step. He looks at Kyuhyun. The brown eyes are looking at him, or at the body that was once Sungmin. Kyuhyun is crying again, but there is an edge to it, like he is saying goodbye, like this is it. It scares Sungmin more than he is willing to admit.
“Kyuhyun.” He whispers moving forward so that he is standing right next to Kyuhyun. “Kyuhyun, please, don’t let go yet.”
Kyuhyun doesn’t hear him. Kyuhyun never hears him. Not once since Sungmin fell into whatever he is in has Kyuhyun ever heard him. Sungmin used to scream in the beginning, used to wave his hands, try to pick up things. He used to try so hard until he realized that Kyuhyun couldn’t see him, couldn’t hear him. He stopped trying after a while, but he never stopped hoping.
“Kyuhyun.” Sungmin said. “Please. I’m right here. Listen to me. Right here Kyu. I’m right here.”
Kyuhyun looks up and Sungmin freezes. Their eyes lock and Sungmin feels it. He can feel Kyuhyun’s eyes looking at him. For a second Sungmin thinks that this is it, that this is his way out. He hopes for a second, but then Kyuhyun gets up and closes the window.
“I swore I closed that when I came in.” Kyuhyun mutters shaking his head as he takes his seat next to Sungmin’s body again.
Sungmin gets his next idea from that. He tries so hard to move things, to touch them. He wants to do it because that is the only way he can think to communicate with Kyuhyun. The problem, of course, is that Sungmin can’t touch anything. He can’t pick things up. He tries until he’s left, alone, cold, wanting.
Kyuhyun’s visits get further apart as the months turns to three. Sungmin has taken to standing by the window, looking down, waiting to see that fluffy hair, those sunglasses that Kyuhyun sometimes wears. He has memorized the sound of Kyuhyun’s car on the pavement. It is pathetic, but Sungmin wants Kyuhyun to come back so much it hurts. He wants to be able to hold Kyuhyun’s hand again. Small touches, the brush of hands, the kisses on the cheeks: it’s the small things that Sungmin misses the most.
He’s by the window again; the calendar he keeps in his head says that it’s been two months and twenty days since Sungmin went into the coma. Sungmin hears Kyuhyun’s car before he sees it. He knows better than to be excited because excitement will just hurt. It always hurts because Kyuhyun stays less and less each visit.
Sungmin waits by the side of the bed. He looks down at the thing that is supposed to be him. He can still see part of himself in the body on the bed. The Sungmin on the bed has his same nose, straight, perfect. He recognizes the hair, the lips, the hands, the arms. Except that the Sungmin on the bed isn’t him. Sungmin is standing next to this body. He is Sungmin. He just needs to figure out how to get back to his body before Kyuhyun realizes that the Sungmin on that bed isn’t the real Sungmin.
“Sungmin?”
Sungmin looks up as Kyuhyun comes into the room. Kyuhyun walks over the body and takes its hand. Sungmin sighs and sits down on the windowsill. Kyuhyun’s car is still outside, not parked. Sungmin raises an eyebrow as he tries to see who could possibly be in Kyuhyun’s car.
“Sungmin.” Kyuhyun whispers. “Sungmin, do you remember how we talked about what we would want the other to do if we were ever like this, like you are now? Do you remember how you made me promise that I would wait only the two required two months before pulling you off?”
Sungmin’s heart goes cold. “No.”
“Do you remember babe?” Kyuhyun chokes out. “Do you remember how you said I had to do it?”
“Kyuhyun.” Sungmin whispers.
Sungmin’s heart feels like it’s running a million miles an hour. He wants to say something, scream something, but of course he can’t. He knows what he asked Kyuhyun to promise and he knows what Kyuhyun said. He knows this all very well, but he isn’t dead. He is here, in front of Kyuhyun.
“I love you Min.” Kyuhyun says.
Sungmin watches as Kyuhyun leans down. He closes his eyes and he can feel Kyuhyun’s lips against his. He can almost taste Kyuhyun, is so close to reaching that place where he wants to be, but then Kyuhyun pulls away.
“I’m so sorry.” Kyuhyun says. “I’m sorry, but I can’t do it.”
Sungmin’s heart drops down to his feet. He watches as Kyuhyun leaves, watches him go out of the hospital through the window. It is then that Sungmin sees him, coming out the car, opening the door, hands on Kyuhyun’s shoulders like they belong there.
He’s tall, long legged, with dark reddish hair. The clothes are expensive, name brand and those sunglasses on the man’s face don’t look cheap. Sungmin knows because he knows the expensive when he sees it. The way the man walks too. It’s all about money. Sungmin doesn’t like him. He likes him even less because Kyuhyun gets into the car, the passenger’s side. Kyuhyun never let Sungmin drive, but he is letting this man drive.
Kyuhyun doesn’t come back after that. Sungmin waits for him, but a week goes by and then another. His mental calendar says that it’s been three weeks since Kyuhyun visited last. Sungmin spends his days sitting by the windowsill watching the cars drive by. He has been in a coma for three months and a half. The doctors who come in to see him have said that he is not going to come back. They look at him, pity in their eyes. They seem sad, especially when Sungmin’s mother is there, but Sungmin can see right through them.
The doctors and nurses see him as someone who is just taking up space. They have given up on him. Sungmin knows that, to them, he is dead. He can’t bring himself to like any of them. Doctors are such impersonal people. They do not understand, can never hope to understand and Sungmin hates them; a little more than he hates himself for not finding a way back.
He meets Siwon on the four month anniversary of his coma. Kyuhyun still hasn’t shown up and Sungmin has started losing hope in him too. The only person who is there every day without fail is his mother. Even his friend, Eunhyuk, has stopped coming. It’s like everyone is leaving him, little by little they are forgetting him. Sungmin is scared, because now he isn’t sure if he really is alive or dead.
“You’re alive you know.”
Sungmin turns to look behind him and that’s when he sees him. It’s another man, tall, good looking. Sungmin likes his eyes, big, dark eyes that look wonderful on that handsome face. Sungmin pegs the man as a pampered, rich kid, probably well-mannered too.
“You’re still pretty much alive.” The man says. “If you were dead, you would be like me.”
“Like you?” Sungmin asks.
“Happy.” The man says. “My name is Siwon.”
“Sungmin.”
Siwon nods and takes his hand. “I know who you are. I was watching you. I think I’m supposed to help you.”
“Help me how?’ Sungmin asks not bothering to take his hand away from Siwon’s.
It is comfortable for some reason. He gets this sort of peace from Siwon, something that calms him and Sungmin stays there. He stays next to Siwon because he hasn’t felt calm in a long time.
“You know I can teach you things.” Siwon says. “Maybe if you know more about what you are and what you can do, you’ll be able to decide what is it that you need to do.”
Siwon teaches him many things. He teaches Sungmin that he can leave the hospital. Sungmin takes to walking the streets at night. He still waits every morning and afternoon for some sign of Kyuhyun, but at night he lets go. He walks along the streets, follows paths he’s never even seen before. He can travel, far and get back even faster. Siwon teaches him that he can watch people. Sungmin can go see Kyuhyun if he wants to.
He doesn’t do it in the beginning. Sungmin kind of likes Siwon because Siwon is sort of like him. Siwon used to be alive once. When he was alive Siwon used to love another man, one with long hair and a wild beauty. Heechul was his name. Siwon loved Heechul like he loved no one else and Heechul loved him. Siwon’s life had been perfect, wonderful. He lived with Heechul, pampered him. Everything was perfect, until Siwon had gone to China.
It was supposed to be a business trip, routine to check how the foreign stocks were doing. Siwon left without thinking too much about it. He’d promised Heechul a present, something nice, because after all Siwon rarely went to China since he moved in with Heechul. The trip was bad, but not for Siwon. He met Han Geng in China and there was something about the quiet, Chinese man that had Siwon opening up in ways he could never do with Heechul.
Han Geng took the part of Siwon that Heechul couldn’t take. He took the vulnerable, young, wild spirit. Han Geng was just like Siwon, both so insane and free and Siwon didn’t know why he was so attracted, until it was too late. Han Geng hadn’t known that Siwon was living with someone else. Siwon never told him.
“I loved him.” Siwon says one day while he and Sungmin are sitting on the roof of the hospital watching the stars. “I loved him because he was beautiful and free. I loved him because he took my hand and made me feel like a kid. And then he was a kid too and I wanted to protect him.”
“But you had Heechul.” Sungmin says looking at the left side of Siwon’s face.
“I had Heechul and I loved him…I loved them both…I still do. I lived to protect Heechul, to make sure he had whatever he wanted. But, there was Han Geng and he let me have what I wanted.” Siwon says as he turns to look at Siwon. “He made me feel free. I love that about him. I love how he is in China. How happy he is.”
“What happened?”
Siwon tells Sungmin about the nights in China, about the warm nights, the quiet exchange of words. Siwon tells Sungmin of nights with legs tangled together, hands touching every inch of skin, of Han Geng and Siwon. Sungmin listens. He listens to Siwon explaining how hard it was to hide it, how he tried so hard to tell Heechul and how he couldn’t.
“What happened the night you died?” Sungmin asks one day when they’re practicing flying.
“I didn’t die.” Siwon says. “I was on the way back to Korea. They both knew then. I just never made it back home. The plane crashed. I was the only one who didn’t die right away. They took me to the hospital. They knew I wasn’t going to make, but I didn’t let go. I was like you Sungmin. I stayed, watching everyone, because I needed to finish something. I just didn’t know what.”
“So, after you found it,” Sungmin paused, “after you found it, you died?”
Siwon smiled. “No Sungmin. I died because I let go. I chose to leave. Heechul called Han Geng and told him about the accident. I don’t know why he did it. Maybe he just wanted Han Geng with him because that was who I loved. I loved them both. And when they saw each other, they didn’t hate each other. Heechul cried first. He got violent and Han Geng didn’t run away. He stayed.”
Siwon stops and looks out at the stars. “He held up Heechul. They held up each other. That’s why I left, because they didn’t need me.”
Sungmin nods. “Do you miss them?”
Siwon laughs. “Sungmin, if you stay with me I won’t miss them anymore.”
Sungmin doesn’t know what to say because he isn’t sure if Siwon is completely joking. Sungmin has thought about it more than once. He’s spent too much time with Siwon, but even if he does like Siwon, it’s not the same. No matter how much he learns, Sungmin still knows that he has to go back.
“I need to see him.”
Siwon nods. “I won’t be here much longer. If you’ve decided what you’re going to do then I have to leave.”
Sungmin turns to Siwon. He looks at those big, brown eyes. He can only begin to imagine what Siwon had to go through, what Heechul and Han Geng felt. He doesn’t like the idea of Siwon being upset.
“Don’t miss me too much.” Sungmin whispers as he leans forward. “I wouldn’t want you to cry over me at night.”
Siwon smiles, leans forward and Sungmin brushes their lips together. Siwon took care of him, taught him things and Sungmin knows he will miss him.
“You just need to step back in.” Siwon says even as he begins to fade. “Once you know you want to go back, just step in.”
Sungmin thinks he needs more of an explanation, but Siwon is gone. He knows what he has to do though. He needs to see Kyuhyun. Sungmin needs to know why Kyuhyun hasn’t come to see him in over two months. He needs to know.
Sungmin doesn’t go that night. He waits until the next night to go. He walks along the streets. He passes the park, dark in the night, quiet. He and Kyuhyun used to sneak in after they closed the doors and sit on the swings, just watching the stars. Sungmin remembers well the nights they sat side by side, fingers twined together. It was in that park that Kyuhyun promised he would love Sungmin forever.
Sungmin stops only for a second to stare at the lonely swings. He keeps going, passing the restaurants where Kyuhyun used to take him. He pauses at an alley between a Korean market and an apartment building. That was where Kyuhyun asked him to move in with him. Sungmin remembers walking away because of all the places in the world, Kyuhyun had chosen a dirty alley.
Sungmin spares a smile as he keeps going. He passes the buildings, the people walking. He doesn’t need to be careful because he isn’t human yet. His body is still in that hospital bed, alone. He walks to the building where he and Kyuhyun lived…live.
The door is no problem. Sungmin doesn’t need a door. He walks in. The living room is quiet, too quiet for this time of night. Kyuhyun is usually up playing a game or watching television. Sungmin takes his time. He is no rush and he hasn’t seen this place in months. He walks through the living room. Everything is where it’s supposed to be.
It’s when he gets to the kitchen that he sees the problem. The dishes are washed and on the rack to dry, but there are two sets of dishes, two plates, two cups. Kyuhyun is one person, not two. Sungmin is almost afraid to go into the room, into their room. He does it because he needs to make sure.
He slips inside and finds Kyuhyun curled up on the couch, his head resting on another man’s lap.
“Zhou Mi.” Kyuhyun whispers and it is then that Sungmin sees the tears rolling down his face. “Zhou Mi, it hurts.”
Zhou Mi. Zhou Mi is the same man who picked up Kyuhyun the last time he was at the hospital. Sungmin doesn’t like Zhou Mi. He doesn’t like the man who is sitting on his couch, with Kyuhyun’s head on his lap. Sungmin doesn’t even bother to see the way Zhou Mi’s eyes are worried as he brushes Kyuhyun’s hair away.
“I know it hurts Kui Xian.”
Sungmin laughs. It’s bitter and loud and they can’t hear it.
Zhou Mi runs his hands through Kyuhyun’s hair, smoothing it down as he murmurs comforting words into Kyuhyun’s ear. Sungmin watches the way Kyuhyun falls into that touch.
“Get your hands off him.” Sungmin says.
No one hears it.
“I want it to stop.” Kyuhyun whispers. “Please. I’ve waited two months and it won’t go away. I just…I need it to stop Zhou Mi. Make it stop.”
Sungmin stops breathing. He can’t take the raw aching hurt in Kyuhyun’s voice. He can’t stand to hear that pain, can’t listen to what Kyuhyun is asking for. He doesn’t want to hear it. Kyuhyun can’t want to forget him. Kyuhyun can’t forget Sungmin because they promised to love each other forever. They moved in together and Kyuhyun can’t forget Sungmin.
“You don’t really want to forget.” Zhou Mi says.
“I do. I want it to go away. I want to just forget. Just for now. Zhou Mi, please.”
Sungmin watches as Kyuhyun leans forwards, lips crashing over Zhou Mi’s. He can’t move as Kyuhyun pushes Zhou Mi down onto the couch. He can’t look away as clothes start coming off, Kyuhyun’s hands fighting to get every piece of clothing off Zhou Mi. Sungmin can’t look away as Zhou Mi lets go, his hands fitting into Kyuhyun’s hair.
Sungmin watches because he can’t leave. Every single touch between them, every gentle caress burns into his heart. Kyuhyun cries, his breath going ragged as he moves over and over into Zhou Mi. Sungmin watches him, watches the way Kyuhyun loses himself in Zhou Mi’s soft cries. Kyuhyun used to lose himself that way with him.
Sungmin doesn’t know what to make of what happens in front of him. He can’t do anything but watch as Kyuhyun pulls Zhou Mi against him.
“Kui Xian,” Zhou Mi whispers, “you need to go see him. You love him and he loves you. Don’t abandon him.”
But, even that doesn’t make it any better. Sungmin can’t unsee them. He can’t get the image of Kyuhyun running his hands over Zhou Mi’s skin. He can’t get the image of Zhou Mi arching his back like that. He can’t stop hearing them, their noises, their cries. All he can see is Zhou Mi with his long legs around Kyuhyun’s waist. All he can see is Kyuhyun gasping out Zhou Mi’s name, kissing down that long white neck. He doesn’t even care that Kyuhyun is hurting and probably just looking for release.
He can’t because that look in Zhou Mi’s eyes is full of something that Sungmin is afraid of.
Love.
Zhou Mi is in love with Kyuhyun.
Sungmin leaves them that night and doesn’t go back to his body. He wants to watch them. He needs to see them together, needs to make sure that it is Zhou Mi who is starting this and not Kyuhyun. He needs Zhou Mi to be the bad guy because Sungmin could never hate Kyuhyun. He doesn’t want to.
He follows them. Kyuhyun takes Zhou Mi out to breakfast the next day. They sit at one of the cafés that line the street. It isn’t the one where Kyuhyun usually took Sungmin. It’s one of the newer ones, the classier ones.
Sungmin doesn’t know whether to be sad or angry. He settles for a combination of both. He can’t stand watching Zhou Mi and Kyuhyun. He hates that smile on Zhou Mi’s face. He hates the way Zhou Mi leans in when he has to talk to Kyuhyun. He hates how Kyuhyun smiles every time Zhou Mi looks at him. He hates them more and more each day, but because Sungmin could never hate Kyuhyun; he just hates Zhou Mi.
It’s what they do at night, the way Kyuhyun falls at Zhou Mi, that sets Sungmin off. He can’t stand the way Kyuhyun is so needy, so wanting. He can’t take the way Zhou Mi says no sometimes, refuses, only t give in the end. Sungmin hates Zhou Mi for not being stronger. He hates Zhou Mi for loving Kyuhyun.
Sungmin really doesn’t know why he waits so long. He lets another three months pass. It makes a total of five months since Kyuhyun went to see him and nine months since the crash. Kyuhyun doesn’t even bat an eyelash at the pictures of Sungmin anymore. He even has one of Zhou Mi pouting at the camera from the time they went to the amusement park together.
Sungmin can see the way Zhou Mi is pushing him out. Zhou Mi is all hugs and smiles. Zhou Mi is adorable in a way that suits him so well. Zhou Mi is what Sungmin can’t be. Zhou Mi is long legged and beautiful. Sungmin admits it, but that just makes him hate Zhou Mi all the more.
Kyuhyun doesn’t seem to hate Zhou Mi. Kyuhyun seems to be very happy with Zhou Mi. They’ve stopped falling into bed at every turn. Sungmin thinks that this means they are cooling off, that Kyuhyun will come back to the hospital. He thinks that maybe he will win after all. That is, until that night.
Zhou Mi and Kyuhyun come back from their walk, hands together, all smiles and laughs. They’re at Zhou Mi’s apartment, on Zhou Mi’s front porch. This is where they say goodnight. This is where Zhou Mi kisses Kyuhyun’s cheek and then walks in. Or that’s how it’s supposed to go.
What happens instead is that just as Zhou Mi is leaning forward to kiss Kyuhyun’s cheek, Kyuhyun moves. Their lips meet, a soft brush, but it is enough to spur Kyuhyun forward. Sungmin doesn’t know what to do to make it stop. Kyuhyun’s hands are in Zhou Mi’s hair, their lips molded perfectly together. And it isn’t about how rough or hard they kiss. This kiss is different and that is why Sungmin is afraid.
The kiss is soft. The way Kyuhyun moves forward to hold Zhou Mi close. Sungmin doesn’t want to be here. He knows what happens next. He knows Zhou Mi will take Kyuhyun into his apartment. He can already picture them, falling into bed, soft covers around them. He can see Kyuhyun moving slowly, his lips kissing every part of Zhou Mi’s skin.
Sungmin can see them even if they are gone and he isn’t following them. He knows that Kyuhyun will take extra care as he removes Zhou Mi’s clothes. Kyuhyun will stop every once in a while to kiss Zhou Mi, to make sure that Zhou Mi is okay. Sungmin doesn’t know Zhou Mi enough to know what Zhou Mi will do, but he knows exactly how Kyuhyun will work it.
It will be slow, tender, full of gentle kisses. Sungmin knows because he saw the look in Kyuhyun’s eyes. Kyuhyun is in love with Zhou Mi. They love each other. Sungmin doesn’t want to be there anymore. He goes away. He decides it that night.
He is going back.
The journey back is smoother than Sungmin expects it to be, but then he is walking and walking has always been soothing. He walks along the street, trying to erase images that aren’t even there. He can see them, engraved in his mind. He can imagine them together, in that bed, legs tangled, voices low as they talk. Kyuhyun is not a talker, not much of a cuddler, but that’s all Sungmin can see him as. He sees him with Zhou Mi, hands on each other, possessive, but gentle.
Sungmin doesn’t realize he’s back in the hospital until he sees his body on the bed. He’s paler than he was in the beginning, almost too pale, like maybe he’s slipping. His body looks fragile, weak, breathing shallow. Sungmin looks at himself for the first time, because that is him on that bed. He is there, not here, not anymore. He belongs back in his body, back at home, back with Kyuhyun.
“Step into it.” Sungmin murmurs as he walks to the bed. “Just like Siwon said.”
It feels like he’s drowning. The first to go are his feet, being sucked into nowhere. He panics, but it doesn’t stop. His legs go next, all so fast. Before he knows it, his hips are gone. He can’t feel anything below his waist. Sungmin moves or tries to, but then his torso is gone, his fingers, arms. His head is last to go, sensations fading.
The last thing Sungmin thinks before his world blacks out is that he’s not ready to go. He needs to be with Kyuhyun.
“This is him. That’s Sungmin.”
“He’s very pretty.”
“He is. He just looks so fragile now, like he’s going to break. I don’t think I can do it anymore Zhou Mi. I don’t want to see him there like that. He made me promise that I would let him go. I think it’s time.”
“You don’t mean that. You wanted to wait.”
“I know. I know, but Sungmin didn’t want me to wait. He made me promise that I would let him go, that I would be strong enough to let him go.”
“You’re not ready.”
“I am Zhou Mi. I am ready because you’re here.”
“You don’t have to do it.”
“I want to. I owe it to Sungmin. Just…can you please stay with me when they do it?”
“Of course. I’ll stay. I’ll always stay.”
“Promise.”
“I promise.”
Sungmin can hear the words, knows who they belong to, but he can’t open his eyes. He wants to, needs to because Kyuhyun is there. He’s there with him, with Zhou Mi. Kyuhyun is there with the long legged, Chinese…
“Sungmin.”
Kyuhyun’s voice is by his ear. Sungmin can feel it, feel the way Kyuhyun’s breath tickles his ear.
“I love you, but I think it’s time to let you go. I love you. I’ll always love you. Please forgive me.”
Sungmin knows he has to move. He has to let Kyuhyun know that he’s fine, that he can hear him. He needs to move. It’s not easy, opening his eyes. It feels like Sungmin’s eyes have been glued together. The more he tries to open them, the harder they seem to shut until he’s fighting with everything he has to pull them open. It’s hard and it hurts, but Sungmin does it.
He’s looking at a pretty man with a friendly face. He has red hair and his eyes are wide behind his glasses. Sungmin almost likes him, until he recognizes him. It’s him. It’s Zhou Mi.
“Kui Xian.” Zhou Mi whispers, eyes still fixed on Sungmin.
Sungmin blinks, wants to say yes, but he can’t move. Zhou Mi looks at him one more time, then bolts for it. The doctors come in five seconds later. There is a lot of fuss, lots of tubes being removed, inserted. There are many questions. Sungmin has trouble answering some of them. He can’t remember much, but he does remember Kyuhyun and Zhou Mi. He remembers them very well.
Kyuhyun is the last one to come in. When he does he is alone and Sungmin is glad.
“Hello.” Kyuhyun whispers standing by the door. “How are you Sungmin?”
Sungmin frowns. “Why are you all the way over there?”
Kyuhyun looks at him. He’s blinking too much. Sungmin recognizes that look, the way Kyuhyun doesn’t look at him.
“Come here.” Sungmin whispers.
Kyuhyun looks up and then he’s walking over. Their lips hit each other hard. There are tears, many of them. There is laughter, relieved laughter as Kyuhyun holds his hand, looks at him.
“Sungmin,” Kyuhyun says like he can’t believe it, “Sungmin.”
Sungmin looks at him, into those dark eyes. Kyuhyun is there, no Zhou Mi. It’s just him and Kyuhyun. Alone. Together.
“I love you.” Sungmin says.
Kyuhyun looks at him. “I love you too.”
“Will you stay with me?” Sungmin asks. “Please.”
Kyuhyun smiles. “Of course. I just need to drive Zhou Mi home.”
“Zhou Mi?” Sungmin asks.
He doesn’t imagine the way Kyuhyun’s eyes shift away, like he’s trying to hide something. Sungmin doesn’t need Kyuhyun to tell him why. He knows. He remembers everything, even Siwon.
“Zhou Mi is…he’s…he was with me through all of this Sungmin. I don’t think I could have made it this far without him. I owe him at least a ride home.”
Sungmin nods like he understands. He nods like it’s okay when it isn’t. You slept with him, he wants to say. You lied to me. You cheated.
“Give Zhou Mi a ride home and tell him I said thank you.”
“Do you want to see him?”
The hope in Kyuhyun’s eyes hurts. It hurts because Sungmin doesn’t want to see him but Kyuhyun wishes he did.
“Send him in.”
Kyuhyun kisses him. “You’ll love him.”
Sungmin manages a smile, wants to say that he will, but Kyuhyun is gone. It doesn’t take a minute, barely the ten seconds Sungmin needs to pull himself together. Kyuhyun is back, his hand twined with Zhou Mi’s.
“Sungmin,” Kyuhyun says, “This is Zhou Mi. Mi, this is Sungmin.”
Zhou Mi flashes him a pretty smile. Sungmin thinks that Zhou Mi is a beautiful actor. Fake. That’s all he can see because Zhou Mi can’t be real. Sungmin doesn’t want him to be real. Sungmin wishes he were gone, not there. He doesn’t want Zhou Mi’s eyes looking at him, so sad and still so happy.
“Can I talk to him alone for a second?” Sungmin asks.
Kyuhyun nods, lets go of Zhou Mi’s hand and walks out. Sungmin looks at Zhou Mi’s hand. It looks so empty, like Kyuhyun’s hand belongs there.
“So, you helped Kyuhyun?” Sungmin says.
He looks up and there are Zhou Mi’s eyes looking at him again. Zhou Mi is tall, Sungmin thinks. He has long legs, nice legs, a pretty face, an almost delicate look about him. He’s pretty, the kind who dresses well, probably wastes a lot of money on pointless shopping.
“I didn’t really help him.” Zhou Mi says. “I was just there to listen when he needed to talk.”
And fuck him, Sungmin wants to add. He doesn’t.
Sungmin looks out the window. It’s not dark yet, but the sun is setting. He can see out and above some of the shorter buildings. The clouds, the sun, the buildings. He remembers walking out there, flying above all of it. He remembers sitting on the rooftop of the hospital. It was less complicated then, when he didn’t know about Zhou Mi and Kyuhyun.
“Leave him.” Sungmin says.
“I’m sorry?”
Sungmin turns his head, his eyes locking with Zhou Mi’s.
“Leave him.” he repeats. “Leave him and don’t come back.”
“Sungmin-sshi, I…” Zhou Mi shakes his head. “I’m sorry, I don’t really know—“
“You love him.” Sungmin says. “He’s confused. I was here first Zhou Mi. Please, just…just go and don’t bother us. I don’t deserve it. He doesn’t deserve it. Please.”
It’s selfish. It’s mean. He knows it is, but Sungmin was there first. He was there first and Kyuhyun loves him. He’s loved Kyuhyun longer than Zhou Mi has known him. If anyone should stay then it’s him. Him and Kyuhyun.
“I know.” Zhou Mi says, voice small, eyes fixed on Sungmin. “I know you’ve loved him longer than I have. I know he’s loved you longer. I know all of it. But, that doesn’t mean I don’t love him the same way and with the same strength. I love him Sungmin-sshi.”
“One of us has to go.” Sungmin says.
He’s not going to back away. He’s not going to let Zhou Mi take away what he loves more than anything in the whole world. Sungmin never gives up. He doesn’t let go. Kyuhyun loves him and he loves Kyuhyun and it’s Zhou Mi who is extra.
Zhou Mi nods. “I know one of us has to go. And I know it has to be me. I just want you to know that I didn’t do anything that Kyuhyun didn’t want. Everything that happened was because he wanted it to happen. I respect your relationship with him and I will leave.”
“I have your word?”
Zhou Mi swallows, but nods, “Yes.”
They say nothing and Zhou Mi takes the clue. He’s almost out the door when he stops. One of his hands is on the doorknob, long fingers wrapped around it. He looks at Sungmin. Sungmin looks back into those eyes, sad eyes. Somehow sad doesn’t seem to fit on Zhou Mi’s face. It doesn’t fit because Sungmin has seen Zhou M smile. He has seen Zhou Mi bursting with energy, pulling Kyuhyun along. He has seen them together, laughing, free, without a care in the world.
Sadness just doesn’t belong on Zhou Mi’s face after Sungmin has seen that.
“Keep him happy.” Zhou Mi says. “Take care of him. He needs a lot more care than you think.”
“He doesn’t.” Sungmin says. “Kyuhyun is strong.”
Zhou Mi smiles. ”Yes he is, but sometimes he needs to be taken care of.”
Zhou Mi steps out, closing the door behind him. Sungmin wants to call him back. Zhou Mi is no one to tell Sungmin anything. Sungmin knows Kyuhyun. He knows that Kyuhyun is not the kind of person who likes to be fussed over. Kyuhyun doesn’t need to be protected. Kyuhyun likes to protect.
Of course Kyuhyun likes to protect. Sungmin settles back on his pillows. Zhou Mi has no idea what he’s talking about.
But, even then, Sungmin can remember well the way Kyuhyun laughed, so carefree, so happy when he was with Zhou Mi. Just like a kid, so unlike how he was with Sungmin.
He brushes it away. He blames it on the fact that Kyuhyun was insecure because Sungmin was in the hospital. He pushes it away to anything because there is no way that Kyuhyun could ever need Zhou Mi. He can’t need Zhou Mi. Sungmin can’t let that happen.
He just can’t, but even then he realizes that it’s not really Zhou Mi he hates. It’s more the idea of Zhou Mi and Kyuhyun together. The idea that Kyuhyun will spend time alone with Zhou Mi now. He doesn’t like that idea. Zhou Mi he can stand. Sungmin isn’t the kind of person to judge on looks. It’s just, he never saw Zhou Mi. He always saw them, both, together.
Kyuhyun comes back in an hour, exactly the time it takes for him to drop off Zhou Mi and come back. Sungmin knows because it’s his job to know.
“Hey there.” Sungmin says when Kyuhyun comes in.
“Hi.” Kyuhyun says.
“Is something wrong?”
Kyuhyun looks up and that’s how Sungmin knows that Zhou Mi is gone.
Things go back to normal or as normal as Sungmin can hope for. Kyuhyun comes to the hospital every day, stays with him until the nurses of Sungmin’s parents kick him out. They tell him that he needs sleep, but Kyuhyun stays, always stays as long as he can. Sungmin knows he isn’t seeing Zhou Mi because the old Kyuhyun is back.
“You know the doctors say I can leave in the afternoon.” Sungmin tells Kyuhyun one day.
Kyuhyun looks away from the window. He’s smiling and Sungmin notices that it’s not the same as the one Kyuhyun has with Zhou Mi. This one is different. It doesn’t mean it’s not real. It’s just not the same.
“So I can take you home?” Kyuhyun says going over to pull Sungmin into his arms. “You can be all mine again? No one to bother us?”
Sungmin’s breath catches at his throat. “Just us. No one else.”
Kyuhyun’s lip on his neck tell him that yes, it’s just the two of them.
“Kyu,” Sungmin whispers, “Kyu, go get the doctor. Tell him that I want to leave.”
Kyuhyun pulls away laughing. “Not yet. You need to stay here until the doctor says you can go home. But, I promise that I’ll have something nice waiting for you when you get home.”
Sungmin doubts it, but later when Kyuhyun is helping him into the back seat of the car, he doesn’t doubt it so much. Sungmin is holding on to a ridiculous amount of alcohol. Kyuhyun’s way of saying welcome home. He’s not allowed to drink, but Kyuhyun tells him that they’ll save it for later.
Kyuhyun is too happy; there is too much enthusiasm in the way he talks to Sungmin.
“Kyu, is something wrong?” Sungmin asks as they pull into a parking space.
“No.” Kyuhyun says.
It’s too quick and they both know it’s a lie. Sungmin lets it go and Kyuhyun doesn’t mention anything about it until Sungmin is sitting down on the couch in their living room.
“Everything looks just like the way I left it.” Sungmin comments. “Why? I would have thought the place would be a complete mess by the time I got home.”
“Zhou Mi…he…he used to come and help me keep the apartment clean. He…he…”
“Is something wrong?” Sungmin asks.
Kyuhyun shakes his head. “We just had a small argument. It’s nothing. It doesn’t really matter.”
Sungmin nods, opens his arms and Kyuhyun is there. The first kisses are small, soft, searching. It feels like their first time, the time where Kyuhyun was scared because Sungmin just knew more. Now, they know each other, every touch is soft, caressing.
Sungmin falls onto the bed, his back hitting the mattress. He lets out a soft oomph as Kyuhyun climbs over him. Hands on skin and Sungmin’s back is arching off the bed as he presses closer to Kyuhyun. Hot breath against Sungmin’s ear.
“Kyu.” Sungmin whispers.
Kyuhyun says nothing, just slides his hands under Sungmin’s shirt. Those fingers, nimble as they remove Sungmin’s shirt. It’s fast, their legs tangled together. It’s rough, the need they both feel coursing through them. It’s been so long, way too long and all Sungmin wants to do is feel. Every touch from Kyuhyun sends a burning line down Sungmin’s spine. It’s like fire, burning at them from all sides.
There’s no one there, not for Sungmin. It’s just him and Kyuhyun, both of them tangled in an embrace so tight there’s no way to tell them apart. He’s been waiting for this, untainted, pure, just him and Kyuhyun.
“I love you.” Sungmin whispers.
Kyuhyun pulls away, their eyes lock. “I love you too.”
Sungmin believes him.
Three months and Sungmin thinks that life is going well. He can get up on his own, no need for anyone to watch him. He’s even got a job to help pay for the medical bills and the doctors say he can go back to finishing his degree in another month. The best part of life at the moment is that Kyuhyun hasn’t talked about or looked for Zhou Mi.
“So where are we going?” Kyuhyun asks.
Sungmin shakes his head and keeps walking. “It’s a surprise.”
They’re going shopping for books, things to replace Kyuhyun’s addicting with video games. Sungmin doesn’t think that a man Kyuhyun’s age should be obsessed with video games, much less spend as much time as he does on them.
“You like books right?” Sungmin asks, pushing Kyuhyun inside the store.
“Min,” Kyuhyun complains, “I hate books. Why didn’t we go to a video game store?”
“Because,” Sungmin says, “You have enough video games at home to kill a teenager. Go find something to exercise your brain with. I need a book on guitar notes.”
“You’re going back to that?” Kyuhyun asks pulling out a heavy book from above Sungmin’s head.
Sungmin nods, flipping through the book in his hand. It’s about Chinese history and it’s the last thing he wants to see. He puts it back, following the language section. Korean, he wants to get to the Korean section, away from the Chinese.
“Gege, we don’t really need that.”
Sungmin recognizes that voice and it would just be his luck that he had to run into Zhou Mi at this bookstore…that happens to be right near where he lives. Sungmin wants to hit himself, is going to, but Kyuhyun is walking away from him.
“Kyu, wait.” Sungmin calls turning the corner with Kyuhyun.
He really shouldn’t have worried. Zhou Mi is there, but he’s not alone. Sungmin can recognize Zhou Mi, even with the changes there have been to the man. Zhou Mi is dressed as always, a screaming fashion statement. His hair is a darker red than the last time Sungmin saw him. He’s not wearing glasses now and there’s something softer about his face.
Sungmin looks at the other man. He supposes that this is the reason why Zhou Mi looks calmer, more peaceful. It has to be this long legged man, with the dark hair and tanned skin. Both he and Zhou Mi are tall, leaning against each other. Zhou Mi’s hand is resting possessively on the other man’s shoulder, his chin resting on the other shoulder.
“Zhou Mi,” the other man says, “you know we don’t need it. We never need anything you buy. You and Heechul will drive me bankrupt one day you know. I think I deserve this one thing. It’s just a book.”
“But, gege, we don’t really need more horror stories at home.”
“And we don’t really need more clothes at home either.”
“Geng-ge.” Zhou Mi pouts and Sungmin almost forgets that he doesn’t want to see Zhou Mi.
“No, Geng-ge.” Geng says failing to hide the fond smile on his face. “I am going to buy this book and no more shopping for today.”
“Next week then?”
Sungmin watches as Geng nods. He watches Zhou Mi’s smiling face as he hugs the air out of the man with him. There is a mention of home, of the two of them going home together. Sungmin watches the way Zhou Mi and this Geng walk out together, hand in hand. Zhou Mi is bouncing along like a four year old, speaking in rapid Chinese, because Sungmin knows that is not Korean.
“Sungmin.” Kyuhyun says.
Sungmin turns and he doesn’t like that look. It’s too hurt, too vulnerable. “What is it Kyu?”
“Did you ever take Chinese?” Kyuhyun asks.
“You know I didn’t. I wasn’t very good at it.”
Kyuhyun nods. “Yeah, I was good at it wasn’t I?”
“What does that have to do with anything?” Sungmin asks.
Sungmin refuses to make this easy. He is not going to let Kyuhyun remember Zhou Mi. Three months without him, without Kyuhyun calling him or seeing him. There is no way that Sungmin is going to let a chance meeting get in the way of what he and Kyuhyun have.
“Kyuhyun.” Sungmin says. “What’s wrong?”
“He said they’re going home.” Kyuhyun says looking at the store exit. “He said they were going to go to their house. They live together. Zhou Mi moved in with someone.”
“You know I’m right here right?” Sungmin says a lot harsher than he intends. “You’re living with me remember? We’ve been living together for two years now.”
Kyuhyun looks at him. It’s like he’s coming back from his own world. Sungmin looks at him, not sure he forgives him yet.
“I’m sorry.” Kyuhyun says.
“Who is Zhou Mi?”
“He’s no one.” Kyuhyun says.
It’s too fast and Sungmin knows he’s lying. He knows Kyuhyun is lying because he knows Kyuhyun. Sungmin knows he didn’t imagine the happiness inn Kyuhyun’s eyes when he heard Zhou Mi’s voice. He knows he didn’t imagine the pain behind those dark eyes when they saw Zhou Mi with Geng. And he knows that Zhou Mi was definitely not no one, not after Kyuhyun slept with him.
“It’s been months.” Sungmin says.
Kyuhyun looks at him too fast and it’s then that Sungmin realizes his mistake.
“What do you mean it’s been months?”
“You know exactly what I mean.” Sungmin answers refusing to back down. “You know fucking well what I mean. I’m not stupid. You slept with him didn’t you?”
“Sungmin…I…”
Sungmin shakes his head, puts a hand out. “I don’t want to hear it. It was a onetime thing right? It never happened after that? It was your mistake?”
Kyuhyun looks at him and there is something in those eyes that Sungmin doesn’t like. There is a lot that he doesn’t like. He doesn’t like the way Kyuhyun is trying to ask for forgiveness without saying a word. He doesn’t like the way Kyuhyun isn’t the least bit ashamed. He doesn’t like a lot of things, but he knows he has to deal with them. He can deal with them because Zhou Mi has this Geng and that means he doesn’t want Kyuhyun anymore.
“It wasn’t a mistake.” Kyuhyun says. “I’m sorry Min, but Zhou Mi was never a mistake. I lo…the point is, he was not a mistake. But, he’s over now. You saw him. He’s happy and I’m happy too.”
Sungmin doesn’t know if he believes it entirely, but there is nothing he can do, nothing Kyuhyun can do. Sungmin smiles, takes Kyuhyun’s hand and they go to pay. He puts his book away, walks out and thinks that he doesn’t really hate Zhou Mi anymore.
He’s never liked him and won’t ever like him, but he doesn’t hate him. He probably never really hated him, because that smile and just Zhou Mi in general make it hard to hate him. Sungmin doesn’t think he ever hated Zhou Mi, more the idea of Zhou Mi taking away Kyuhyun; that’s what Sungmin has always hated. But, Zhou Mi can’t do that anymore. Zhou Mi doesn’t want to anymore.
Sungmin wakes up alone that night. He reaches over in the dark but Kyuhyun isn’t there. He gets up, stretches and checks the bathroom first. Kyuhyun isn’t there. Sungmin has a pretty good idea what Kyuhyun is doing.
“Are you alright Kyuhyun?” Sungmin asks when he finds Kyuhyun in the living room.
“Yeah.” Kyuhyun answers. “Yeah, I’m fine. I was just worried about Zhou Mi. I keep calling him and he doesn’t answer. I just want to know if he’s okay.”
Sungmin says nothing. He doesn’t know what to say.
“I’m sorry.” Kyuhyun says. “Let’s go back to bed.”
Sungmin sighs. This isn’t how things were supposed to work. Kyuhyun isn’t supposed to be this worried. Kyuhyun is supposed to have let go, to have come back to Sungmin alone. There really is not more left in Sungmin. All the time he spent watching Kyuhyun and Zhou Mi, all of the time he spent worrying that Kyuhyun would go after Zhou Mi. All of that has finally taken its toll. Sungmin is tired and he doesn’t like Kyuhyun this way. He can’t stand to see that look in his eyes.
“Kyuhyun.” Sungmin asks when he gets to the room. “Do you love Zhou Mi?”
“I love you.” Kyuhyun answers.
It’s too fast, too rehearsed. That doesn’t mean it’s not real, doesn’t mean that Kyuhyun doesn’t mean it, but there is something behind that. Sungmin can hear it. He can hear it in the way Kyuhyun says it.
Sungmin smiles. “You didn’t really answer my question.”
“I told you that Zhou Mi and I are over. He…he was the one that said he got it, that he understood. He said he was leaving…that he always knew….” Kyuhyun pauses and Sungmin can hear the hurt behind that voice. “That’s over Sungmin. I’m here with you now. Just you and me like before.”
“It’s not like before.” Sungmin says. “It can’t be like before because you know him now. He made you happy when I couldn’t. You love him.”
“I don’t love him.” Kyuhyun growls. “I don’t love him. I love you.”
“You love him.” Sungmin snaps, his own anger getting the best of him. “You know you love him. Stop being a damn coward and admit that you love him. Admit that it’s killing you not knowing where he is. That it killed you to see him with that Chinese man today in the store. Admit it.”
“Fine.” Kyuhyun says, his voice falling into that low whisper of anger. “Fine, you want me to admit it, fine. I love him. I love him with all my heart and yes it did hurt me to see him so happy with someone else because, fuck it, it’s been three fucking months.”
Sungmin says nothing. He expected this. All the time he had with Kyuhyun. He had been expecting the day when Kyuhyun would walk out. He always knew that Zhou Mi had ground himself too into Kyuhyun to let him go. But, then Sungmin is here. He loves Kyuhyun and he can’t let him go. He doesn’t want to. It seems stupid to him now, this whole confronting thing. He should have just kept his mouth shut.
“If you love him so much then go find him. I’ll let you go.”
“No, no,” Kyuhyun says reaching over to take Sungmin’s face in his hand, “you don’t get it. I want him. I love him. But, I love you and I want you too. It’s…it’s just so damn frustrating.”
Sungmin watches Kyuhyun pull away. He watches Kyuhyun’s fingers running through his naturally messy hair. He’s seen this, all of this. He’s known Kyuhyun longer than Zhou Mi has. If anyone deserves Kyuhyun, it’s him, Sungmin, but he knows that look. Kyuhyun looks like a man who has made his decision, who knows what he is going to do.
Sungmin is afraid.