static_abyss (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
static_abyss) wrote2011-04-06 04:11 pm
static_abyss) wrote2011-04-06 04:11 pm
Entry tags:
I love you, I never meant to hurt you
Title: I love you, I never meant to hurt you
Pairing: shimin (it's a miracle, no ninja!hanchul)
Genre: romance, angst, smut, fluff (i don't know okay)
Rating: R
Summary: Siwon doesn't choose to fall in love. It just happens. It happens with Sungmin.
Note: For![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
db5kprom15e who requested this @ ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
inksandblots
a/n: =\
Becoming your friend was my choice, but falling in love with you…that I had no control over.
Siwon is new to the school. He doesn’t know much about anything, except that he’s there because he is the son of the President of the Company that runs the school. Or that’s what he was told anyway. He doesn’t really see much point in keeping track about the schools he attends anymore. He just goes with it now. Too much moving, too many friends lost, too many times he could have said no but didn’t. He is too old now to care about where he goes, too old to make friends.
What’s the point? He’s going to leave them anyway.
At least, that’s the way he sees it in the beginning. That’s what he thinks before Sungmin comes into the picture. Sungmin with his big brown eyes, soft looking skin, perfect hair, gorgeous smile. Sungmin who everyone seems to hate, who everyone points to. Sungmin who just walks with his head down most of the time, hands fisted in his pocket. Sungmin who has no friends to walk him home from school.
Siwon has many of those, friends, or so they want him to think. He had people waiting for him at the entrance of school, girls hanging off his arm, guys wanting to talk to him. He knows these kinds of people, the ones who are there for a leg up. He doesn’t like these people. He likes the pretty boy with the dark hair and sad eyes. He likes Sungmin.
It takes him three tries to actually muster up the courage to talk to Sungmin. It’s mostly because he can’t really think straight when it comes to the other man. There is something about Sungmin’s eyes, the way he looks at everyone that has Siwon wishing he could carry his bible with him wherever he went. He can’t. It’s locked up in his car and he’s not supposed to bring it into school. This is a school open to all after all and they can’t have one student trying to sway everyone else. Siwon doesn’t think he is going to make it out of this school sane and whole if he doesn’t have that bible. Not when Sungmin is around.
No one talks to Sungmin, ever. And maybe that’s one of the reasons Siwon is attracted in the first place. If no one talks to Sungmin then that means that it’s because Sungmin is maybe somehow different from everyone else. It’s hard to get Sungmin out of his head. It’s hard because Sungmin comes to school wearing pink and black and smiling at the world even when everyone else just glares at him. It’s hard because Sungmin has an angelic smile, a coy, sort of shy smile that he only shows when he catches Siwon looking at him.
This last part, Siwon looking, happens a lot. Siwon is always watching Sungmin, watching him because he thinks he might be in love with Sungmin. He’s never talked to him before, but he swears that his heart wants to jump out of his chest whenever Sungmin smiles at him from across a room. His whole body does this weird thing, sort of shivering maybe, whenever Sungmin stretches and the skin of his side is revealed for Siwon’s eyes. His hands go all clammy too when he thinks of talking to Sungmin.
He thinks he might be in love, but maybe that’s just him.
Still, today is the day, he knows it is. He has planned out how this will work, how he is going to make this work. He knows Sungmin goes to the martial arts club three times a week. This means that Siwon has three opportunities to catch Sungmin alone after everyone else is gone. He’s marked this week as his week, but the first two times don’t go exactly as planned.
The first time Siwon sits down on the steps and waits. He waits and waits and Sungmin never comes out. He waits until it’s dark and the moon is out, laughing at him. Stupid moon. It occurs to him that moons don’t laugh, probably won’t laugh at him anyway, because moons just don’t care much about him probably. The moon is too busy being pretty and worshipped anyway, but in Siwon’s opinion, Sungmin is much prettier, probably should be worshipped too.
By the time Siwon works out that Sungmin isn’t coming out, it is dark, his feet are numb and he is in a bad mood. He goes home, throws off his clothes and is on his way to the shower when he realizes that it isn’t Monday. It is Tuesday. Sungmin doesn’t have club on Tuesday.
Siwon never again calls the moon stupid after that.
The second time he waits, sitting on the steps, counting down the minutes until Sungmin walks out the door. When Sungmin does walk out the door later, it is to find Siwon asleep on the steps, head against the wall. Normally Sungmin would walk away, but he has noticed Siwon, noticed how the other man looks at him and it isn’t fair to leave him out in the open where anyone can come and…well, you just never know what people are capable of these days. Sungmin just doesn’t want to wake up tomorrow and find out that Siwon has been attacked by wild girls. He doesn’t think that his conscious would be very happy.
It is a lot easier picking Siwon up than he imagines. It might be easier to wake Siwon up, but when Sungmin tries all he gets are a couple of mumbles and one “go away.” The next best thing he can do is call a cab. He does.
“Where am I taking him?” the cab driver asks when he pulls up, not bothering to help Sungmin with Siwon.
Sungmin rattles off the address, his breath not quite coming out the way he wants it to. The only reason why he knows where Siwon lives is because everyone knows the Chois.
“Who’s paying?” the cab driver asks when Sungmin dumps Siwon in the back seat.
Sungmin blinks. He looks at Siwon. The Chois have money.
“He is.” Sungmin says and walks away before the cab driver can put in another word.
When Siwon wakes up he’s in his bed, the covers over his shoulders. He looks around convinced that he fell asleep waiting for Sungmin and is having some weird dream. He walks down the stairs, peeking around corners because in these kinds of dreams, the killer is always around the corner. When he gets downstairs and finds no knife wielding, black haired singer turned murderer he knows it’s not a dream. His father is in his study and his mother is cooking something in the kitchen.
“Siwonnie, you’re up.” His mother says when she sees him. “Are you feeling better?”
“I am.” Siwon says. “Why?”
“The cab driver who brought you home said that someone had to carry you into the car.”
Siwon blinks, tries to remember who could have possibly carried him into the car. He comes up with only one possibility and he doesn’t like it. He wasn’t supposed to fall asleep and have Sungmin carry him into a cab. He was supposed to have been there waiting for Sungmin and have wowed him with the magnificent speech he didn’t have planned.
“Are you hungry Siwon?” his mother asks.
“No,” Siwon answers. “I’m going back to sleep.”
The third time Siwon goes to find Sungmin he’s ready. He has practiced what he’s going to say, has a note in his pocket where he wrote down why Sungmin should let Siwon take him out for coffee. He’s ready to read off that paper if necessary. He’s leaning against the door again, waiting for Sungmin to come out of practice. He doesn’t sit this time because he is not going to fall asleep again.
When Sungmin finally does come out of practice, hands in the pocket of his jeans, head down as he listens to his Ipod, Siwon doesn’t know how he is supposed to catch Sungmin’s attention. He can’t say anything because Sungmin won’t hear him. He can’t touch him either because he doesn’t think he’s allowed that. He really has no option other than standing in front of Sungmin and waiting for Sungmin to walk into him.
Siwon moves in front of Sungmin, but the other man just walks around him. Siwon is left standing in the same spot, mouth hanging open. He’s working through his brain trying to find some sort of solution to this problem when Sungmin turns around.
“Hey,” Sungmin says. “Do you want to get some coffee or something?”
Siwon doesn’t know what he’s supposed to say so he just settles for nodding as enthusiastically as he can. He realizes that he’s not even playing it cool anymore and stops.
“I mean…I guess I can. I have to ask my mother first.”
Sungmin laughs and Siwon wants to punch himself.
“Well ask your mother.” Sungmin says coming over to take his hand. “And let’s go because I think you need to buy me a coffee for that time I called the cab.”
Siwon blushes, mutters something that he hopes makes sense and follows Sungmin. They go have coffee, watch a movie and have dinner. It’s only the first time Siwon is actually talking to Sungmin, but he’s already more than happy that he did this. Sungmin is a wonderful companion, chatting away, smiling like the whole world belongs in his pocket.
“Okay I have to go.” Sungmin says.
Siwon blinks and looks around. They’re in front of a white house, with blue windows and doors. The garden has signs of early spring flowers and the gate around the house is the kind that screams perfect family. Siwon blinks because he swears that just five minutes ago they were walking next to each other, hands stuffed in pockets, talking about boy bands.
“You live here?” Siwon asks.
Sungmin nods. “Yeah.”
They say nothing for a while. Siwon is looking down at his shoes because he knows this is his first date with Sungmin and it might not even count as a date, because they have never spoken to each other before. He is nervous even though he tells himself that he can just turn around and walk away.
“Sungmin.” Siwon says and then he looks up.
Sungmin is still looking at his shoes and Siwon can see a tinge of red around Sungmin’s ears. “Yeah?”
“Have a goodnight okay.” Siwon says.
Sungmin looks up just as Siwon is turning away. Fingers wrap around Siwon’s wrist and then he’s turning around. Sungmin is looking at him, that small smile playing on his lips. Siwon forgets how to breathe as he looks at Sungmin. Really, he should have known better than to assume he was in love with Sungmin. He can’t be in love, at least, not yet.
“Thank you.” Sungmin says placing a kiss on Siwon’s cheek.
Siwon watches as Sungmin walks to his front door. He turns just before going in and waves at Siwon. Siwon waves back. He waits until Sungmin is inside and then he leaves.
He might not be in love with Sungmin, but he’s glad he’s chosen to become Sungmin’s friend, maybe more than a friend. And who knows, maybe if things go well, he can say that he fell in love.
Hey, listen, that one time when we were down by the river, and you were sad and drunk because of your mom, I really thought we should’ve talked about it more.
Siwon doesn’t hear about Sungmin’s mother until they’ve been dating for a year. Things have been going well. Siwon and Sungmin make a wonderful couple, even the people who used to ignore Sungmin admit this. They still ignore him, still walk away when Sungmin comes over to Siwon, but it’s okay. Siwon is there to assure Sungmin that he’s wonderful, that it doesn’t matter what others think because Siwon thinks he’s perfect.
Siwon finds out about Sungmin’s mother first from one of the girls who seems to hate the idea of Siwon and Sungmin. She corners Siwon after class, pulls him aside, saying that she needs help with something. Siwon goes because he believes her.
“Siwon, oppa.” She says when she closes the door to the classroom. “I have to tell you something about Sungmin.”
Siwon raises an eyebrow. “Yes?”
“Sungmin’s mother is a whore. She sleeps with men for a living. There are rumors that Sungmin does it too. You really shouldn’t be with him oppa. There are so many other people in this school. Anyone would be better than him.”
Siwon knows better than to be rude. He says nothing just walks out of the classroom. He knows that he shouldn’t pay attention. He doesn’t want to, doesn’t really care about what people say about Sungmin because he doesn’t believe a word of it.
He thinks nothing more of it until the next day when he is woken up by the sound of his phone. He picks it up, doesn’t bother to look who’s calling because there is only one person who ever calls him at this hour.
“Sungmin?”
“Siwon is that you?” Sungmin says, his words too slurred together for sleep. “Siwon, I think I need you to come pick me up.”
Siwon is up and out of bed before he even answers. He looks for his pants in the dark and pulls them on. He has his shirt on too when he remembers he should say something.
“Where are you? Are you drunk?”
“Probably.” Sungmin answers. “I think I drank enough to get drunk. Listen, bring me some soju okay.”
“I am not bringing you anything. Where are you?” Siwon asks padding down the stairs, trying to make no noise as he heads for the door.
“I don’t know where I am.” Sungmin says. “I think it’s the river. There’s lots of water everywhere. Yeah, it’s probably the river. And why not? You always do what I want.”
Siwon laughs. “I only do it because if I don’t you’ll never let me live it down. You’ll hate me forever if I don’t do what you want.”
Sungmin laughs, but it sounds almost like a sob.
“Sungmin,” Siwon says opening the car door, “What’s wrong?”
Sungmin says nothing. Siwon looks at his phone, but the bars are there and he’s still connected.
“She’s dying you know.” Sungmin says. “My mother. She has cancer. And it’s true what they say about her at school. She sleeps with men for a living.”
“Sungmin.” Siwon says because really what can you say at a time like that?
“Just hurry up Siwon. Hurry up. I need you here.”
Siwon nods, doesn’t realize that Sungmin can’t see him, but he’s driving and he needs to hang up.
“I’ll be there. Wait for me.”
“Always.” Sungmin says.
Siwon thinks he might have broken every law on speeding that night, but Sungmin alone by the river is enough to drive him forward. He makes it there in record time, barely shuts the door behind him and then he’s running. He heads for the foot of the river, not knowing exactly where Sungmin is, but something is just telling him that he needs to go in the direction he’s running.
He finds Sungmin sprawled on the floor. He runs over, afraid at first until he sees that Sungmin is looking at the stars.
“Hello Siwon.” Sungmin says smiling when he sees him.
“Sungmin,” Siwon says. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.”
Siwon doubts it very much but he says nothing. He sits there waiting for Sungmin to say something.
“My mother has always slept with men, ever since my dad died when I was ten. It brings money. It puts me through school.”
Siwon looks at Sungmin. He doesn’t know what to say.
“You know what?” Sungmin says his words even more slurred than before. “I don’t really want to talk about this anymore.”
“You don’t trust me?” Siwon asks.
Sungmin looks at him. He says nothing and Siwon wonders why it hurts so much.
“Let’s go home okay?” Siwon says getting up and helping Sungmin.
They stand, but Sungmin isn’t as stable as Siwon first thinks. They get up and Sungmin stumbles, falling forward. Siwon makes to catch him, but Sungmin is up by himself, eyes down. Siwon follows his gaze. They’re so close, so close that Siwon can feel the heat from Sungmin’s body. He can feel Sungmin’s leg between his, the lower half of their bodies pressed together. He lets his head fall down into Sungmin’s hair, his lips brush Sungmin’s ear. He gets a small sound from Sungmin in response.
“Tell me more.” Siwon whispers into Sungmin’s ear. “Tell me about her.”
Sungmin looks up, his eyes half lidded, mouth slightly open as he looks at Siwon. “You’re so fucking perfect you know that?”
Siwon shakes his head. They’re too close, touching too much and Siwon can’t think straight. He can’t get carried away, not now, not when Sungmin needs him. But, he’s never been this close either, he’s never had Sungmin pressed against him like this. Not even when they kissed was it like this, not with this weird sort of electricity between them. It’s like someone upped the sexual tension, like Sungmin being sad about his mother makes him needy.
“No.” Sungmin says. “I don’t want to talk about her. I just…I need to forget.”
Siwon looks at him just as Sungmin looks up. There is something in Sungmin’s eyes, sort of like desperation, sadness definitely and underneath that maybe Siwon sees how small and fragile Sungmin is. He can tell how much it hurts, how Sungmin wants to curl up and cry, how he needs to let it out. He can see what it is that Sungmin wants to say, but can’t. Sungmin is scared. Siwon knows. Siwon understands.
But, he says nothing.
I think you thought I didn’t really “get” you that day. I just want you to know that I did. And, I knew anyway. I just acted the way I did because I was hurting too. I’m really sorry, seriously, for letting you think I didn’t know for so long.
They stand there for a while, Sungmin with his eyes closed, Siwon watching him. He doesn’t quite understand why it hurts to know that Sungmin doesn’t trust him. He knows that he’s never really done much to deserve Sungmin’s trust, but after all their time together he thinks he might have at least earned something.
“You know what?” Sungmin says suddenly as he opens his eyes.
“What?” Siwon asks, eyes cast away.
“I’m sick of this shit.”
Siwon looks at him, opens his mouth to say something about language, about how Sungmin should probably let Siwon take him home, but he can’t. He can’t because Sungmin is there, lips pressing against Siwon. They’ve kissed before, but not like this. Siwon’s never had Sungmin drunk in his arms, so persistent, so demanding.
Siwon gives in, lets Sungmin kiss him, lets Sungmin push him down on the grass. Sungmin is moving on top of him, pressing down against Siwon, one hand sliding under Siwon’s shirt. Their tongues are fighting each other and there is an edge to the way Sungmin is kissing him. It’s almost desperate, almost like Sungmin needs this. Siwon knows it, can understand it, knows he should be pushing Sungmin away, but he can’t. He can’t because Sungmin has gotten Siwon’s shirt over his head and the grass beneath him is uncomfortable.
“I want you.” Sungmin says. “Please, Siwon.”
Siwon doesn’t know what he’s supposed to answer to that, but then Sungmin is popping open the button on his pants and sliding a freezing cold hand inside. Siwon hisses, back arching as Sungmin grabs hold. Those fingers are teasing small noises out of him and Siwon can’t think straight because, fuck, Sungmin’s hand is wonderful around him and just fuck
“Sungmin.” Siwon breathes.
“Sh.” Sungmin says. “Be good Siwon. Let me.”
Siwon says nothing, lays back and closes his eyes as Sungmin moves down his body, lips trailing down and Siwon takes a moment to wonder when his pants ended up around his ankles. He doesn’t need much thinking though because suddenly there is something warm wrapped around him and his brain explodes with the sensation. He leans up on his elbows and catches sight of Sungmin, cheeks hollowed, head moving up and down. Siwon curses, berates himself for doing it and curses again when Sungmin does this thing with his tongue.
Sungmin pulls away with a small pop and rolls over, dragging Siwon on top of him. “Kiss me.”
Siwon does, pushes Sungmin into the grass and kisses him like he is the air around them, like Siwon needs him and in a way he does. Sungmin sighs against his mouth, pulls until Siwon helps him take off that offending shirt. Then Sungmin pulls Siwon back down against him.
“I’m cold.”
Siwon kisses the side of Sungmin’s neck in response.
“I’m so cold Siwon.”
It’s so small, such a tiny sentence, but Siwon hears everything behind it. He hears the pain, the sadness, the terror. Sungmin is cold, but not because it’s 2am and they’re by the river, shirts off, almost naked.
“I’ll keep you warm.” Siwon says.
He means it in the figurative way, maybe the literal way too, but it doesn’t come out sounding that way. It comes out more breathy, sort of suggestive, but really how else is it supposed to come out? How to make it sound sincere when Sungmin is pressed against him, one hand in Siwon’s hair, the other working up and down Siwon, coaxing him, teasing him?
“Make me warm.” Sungmin says. “Make it so hot that I can’t breathe. Make me forget Siwon.”
Siwon pulls away because he knows this is where they stop. Pity sex isn’t good, especially not when Sungmin is drunk. Pity sex leads to misunderstandings, to things gone wrong. But, then Sungmin is dragging his nails down Siwon’s stomach, fingers wrapping around Siwon and he can’t breathe.
“I want you to make me forget.” Sungmin says his grip tightening.
Siwon gives in. He lets himself move against Sungmin, lets those legs wrap around his waist. Siwon looks down between them and sees Sungmin’s eyes watching as Siwon rolls his hips. He drags a long, drawn out moan from Sungmin after one particular move and then Sungmin is pushing him away.
“Inside me. Now.”
Siwon blinks because he doesn’t know if this is okay. Sungmin is drunk and he needs to know that this isn’t just some whim and that when he’s sober things will change. But, Sungmin is persistent, demanding and Siwon is more than glad to give in to him. It’s new for both of them, sort of sloppy and Sungmin cries out more than once from the pain, but once they get it right, it’s like nothing Siwon has ever felt before.
They move fast because that’s the way Sungmin wants it. Siwon pushes in over and over, loses control in the middle of it because there is something about Sungmin’s moans that get to him. He’s less careful, pounds in hard so that Sungmin is arching into him, head thrown back.
“Fuck.” Sungmin gasps out. “Yes, Siwon. Yes.”
Siwon gasps, takes Sungmin’s hip in one hand and moves faster. Sungmin’s nails on his back encourage him, those legs around his waist push him in deeper. He can feel Sungmin tighten around him, can feel Sungmin completely malleable in his hands. That voice in his ear, those words, the way Sungmin pants. It’s all beautiful music, perfect or it would be except, of course, behind it all there’s still that tinge of desperation. It’s like Sungmin is trying to find a way out, trying to be taken away, like he’s trying so hard not to think, to just feel. Siwon can see it, knows it’s wrong, but he also knows that he’s helping Sungmin forget, for this moment. He focuses back on them, on their pants, on their soft cries muffled into each other’s mouths.
By the bank of the river, they learn about each other. It should be perfect and beautiful but there is something about it all that tells Siwon that Sungmin just wants to forget about his mother. But, that’s okay too because Siwon is glad he can help make the pain go away. They don’t go home that night. They spend it by the river and when they’re sleepy, they head to the car. They fall asleep in the back seat, Sungmin wrapped in Siwon’s arms.
Siwon wakes up the next morning and Sungmin is gone. When he gets to school, Sungmin isn’t here. When Siwon calls him Sungmin doesn’t answer and when Siwon finally sees Sungmin, he’s ignored. It’s like before, like Siwon has just moved into the school and Sungmin doesn’t see him. Siwon knows it has to do with their night at the river and he needs to fix it, needs it to be better, now.
He waits until Sungmin comes out of class. He waits by the door and calls out when Sungmin walks out.
“Sungmin.” Siwon says.
Sungmin doesn’t even look back.
“Sungmin, wait, hang on. We need to talk.”
Sungmin says nothing, keeps walking, past the group of students in front of them. Siwon follows him because he’s not used to this. This Sungmin, the quiet one, the alone Sungmin, this isn’t the Sungmin he’s used to. This isn’t what he wants.
“Sungmin.” Siwon tries one more time.
Sungmin does turn then, but there is no smile on his face, nothing like the welcome Siwon is used to getting. His eyes are cold, his hand fisted as he looks up at Siwon.
“What do you want?”
Siwon opens his mouth ready to ask why, but then he understands. He knows why Sungmin is being like this, why he’s avoiding Siwon. He gets it because it’s there, it’s right there in his face.
“You think I used you.” Siwon says not quite out of his shock.
Sungmin glares. “You don’t get it.”
Siwon stares at him. He does get it. He understands better than Sungmin thinks he does. He didn’t use Sungmin. If anything Sungmin was the one who used him, used him to forget, but Siwon doesn’t care. He would let Sungmin do anything, would give him anything because he needs to see that smile.
“I do get it.” Siwon answers. “I get it perfectly well.”
Sungmin shakes his head, laughs like Siwon is stupid. “You don’t get it. You’ll never get it because your mother isn’t dying. Your mother isn’t driving herself insane, drinking every night until she can’t even stand up because she needs to forget that there is one more man for her to fuck, because her soon needs to go to school. You don’t get it. You’ll never get it.”
And then Sungmin’s gone and Siwon watches him walk away, shoulders stiff, defensive. He watched because he does get it. He does. Siwon lets Sungmin go off alone, because he hurts, because he can’t bear the mistrust. He lets it go, manages three weeks and then he can’t take it anymore. Siwon catches Sungmin just as he’s leaving martial arts practice. Sungmin sees him and turns to walk back into the school, but Siwon is there, hand going around Sungmin’s wrist.
“Please.” Siwon says. “I need to talk to you.”
Sungmin looks at him and for a moment Siwon thinks he’s going to say no, but Sungmin just nods. Siwon takes him to the café where they had their first cup of coffee. They sit together, neither saying anything, but Siwon needs to fix this. He needs to have Sungmin be okay again. He needs to see that smile, those coy looks. He wants Sungmin back.
“Listen,” Siwon starts.
“No,” Sungmin interrupts. “You don’t have to say anything. I get it okay. You’re a Choi. You don’t need my crap. You don’t get it anyway. You’re perfect, rich, good looking. I’m sorry.”
Siwon thinks of letting Sungmin go, but then this whole thing would have been for nothing and he does get it. He gets it more than Sungmin thinks he does, because for some reason Siwon just gets Sungmin. So, he gets up, grabs Sungmin by the wrist and pulls him back.
Siwon knows the easiest way to get his point across is by actions. He pulls Sungmin against him, kisses him, angry, wanting. He kisses hard because he needs Sungmin to understand that this is important, that Siwon needs him, that he can’t really explain it in words, but he gets it.
Sungmin falls back into it easy, his hands going to Siwon’s hair, pulling. Siwon holds him close, leans down so that Sungmin is bent over his hands from the intensity of their kiss. It’s hungry, but the message is there through their fierceness.
Siwon needs Sungmin.
Sungmin trusts Siwon.
But, you blocked me out and turned away, hiding yourself from me. I found you again. You weren’t hiding. You were protecting me from you. I don’t need to be protected.
Everything is okay until it isn’t. Sungmin is still there, still sits with Siwon, holds his hand when they walk, but it’s like his mind is always on something else. They come to a point where Siwon is the one doing all the talking when they sit together. Siwon doesn’t mind really. He does it because he thinks that Sungmin’s still worried about his mother; that Sungmin just needs to be distracted.
They’re sitting together in the library one day. Siwon is watching the way Sungmin furrows his eyebrows as he reads from his book. It should be adorable, but all it does is remind him of all the other faces Sungmin can make.
“Hey Siwon.” Sungmin says looking up and catching him watching.
Sungmin’s smirk makes the blood rush to Siwon’s face and he has to look down at his book when he answers. “Yeah?”
“Want to meet my mother?”
Siwon looks up, pen poised over his paper. He’s not sure he heard correctly, but he looks up and Sungmin is there, waiting for his answer. Siwon wants to ask why, but he thinks better of it.
“Okay.”
Sungmin nods and it’s not until he starts packing that Siwon realizes that Sungmin means now, as in now. He gets up, puts his things away and they go. They say nothing, but Siwon can see how Sungmin fidgets. He sees the same walk, the defensive walk, sees how Sungmin’s shoulders are tight. They’re maybe a block away from Sungmin’s house when Siwon stops them.
“We don’t have to.” He says.
Sungmin stops, looks at him and for a second there is relief in those eyes. It’s just a second though because then Sungmin is smiling and pulling him along telling Siwon not to be silly. Siwon knows there is something Sungmin isn’t telling Siwon, but he doesn’t ask. He figures that Sungmin will tell him, because Sungmin has learned to trust him somewhat.
They get to the house and Sungmin is pulling Siwon in before he can get his shoes off properly. He follows into the house, doesn’t know what to expect, but it’s clean. It’s clean and cozy and looks exactly like what the outside looks like, like it belongs to a quaint little family.
“Where are we going Sungmin?” Siwon asks when Sungmin is pulling him over to one of the rooms on the left.
“The kitchen.” Sungmin says. “I want you to meet my mom. She needs to see you.”
Siwon nods, lets Sungmin pull him over to the kitchen. The woman there is nothing like what Siwon expects. She doesn’t look like an alcoholic. She looks like the perfect mom, apron around her waist, kneading dough. She smiles wide when she sees Sungmin, even wider when she sees Sungmin’s hand in Siwon’s.
“Hello,” she says smiling at Siwon like he’s her son, “You must be Siwon. You certainly are good looking.”
Siwon blushes. “I’m Siwon.”
“He’s Siwon.” Sungmin says and the edge in his voice makes Siwon look at him. “He’s Siwon. Choi Siwon.”
Siwon frowns, not sure what’s going on because Sungmin’s mother is looking at him like he just grew two heads. He wants to say something, but Sungmin is already pulling him put the door. Again, he has to scramble to get his shoes back on, before he’s outside. Sungmin says nothing as they walk. They keep walking until they come to one of the benches in the park. Sungmin sits down, pulls Siwon down with him and sighs.
“What did you think?”
Siwon smiles. “I like her. She seems nice and she’s not…”
Sungmin laughs. “She’s beautiful when she’s sober and yeah she’s nice. But, she’s dying.”
Siwon says nothing.
“I love her.” Sungmin says. “I love her, but she’s going to hurt someone and then she’ll be hurt herself.”
Siwon takes Sungmin into his arms, puts his head on top of Sungmin’s. “It’ll be fine.”
Sungmin sighs. “It won’t be.”
The news about Sungmin’s mother comes out the next day. It’s all over the papers, all over the news. It’s on every channel, on every internet site. It’s a small town, but it’s a big deal. Sungmin’s mother is sleeping with important man, a man important enough to commandeer the news channels.
Sungmin’s mother is sleeping with Siwon’s father. Sungmin’s mother who drinks until she can’t tell which way is up and which way is down, Sungmin’s mother who is Sungmin’s mother is sleeping with his father. His father is married. His father has a son and a wife and he is sleeping with Sungmin’s mother.
The scene on the TV moves to a white house with blue doors and windows. Sungmin is trying to get the camera to turn away from his mother, but the camera man won’t listen. Siwon catches a glimpse of Sungmin’s mother, her eyes red, probably from a night of drinking. There are reporters shooting questions at Sungmin as he tries to maneuver his way to the car parked in front of the house. Siwon watches as Sungmin finally gets his mother inside and then he notices the suitcases.
Siwon is throwing the television remote on the floor and running down the stairs before the news is over. His mother is in the living room crying, her face buried in her hands. His father is by the door watching her, suitcase in one hand. There is something in the way his father is standing that lets Siwon know that this isn’t some sort of temporary separation. This is permanent. If Siwon’s father walks out now he isn’t coming back. Siwon knows.
“The door is that way.” Siwon says going over to help his mother up. She clings to him, her cold hands reminding him of other cold hands, on some other night.
“That’s no way to talk to your father.”
Siwon looks up, tries to figure out what he is supposed to say in a situation like this. He can’t help anything at the moment. He wants to be outside, running as fast as he can to Sungmin’s house. He wants to stop Sungmin from going wherever he is going, but he knows he is supposed to be here. He is supposed to stay because his mother needs him and because his father needs to know that she is not alone.
“If you’re going to leave then go.” Siwon says.
His mother chokes on a sob. She is saying something, low, so low that Siwon has to lean in to listen. What he hears from her just makes him angry. She is asking his father to stay, not loud enough for his father to hear, but she is doing it anyway.
“I love her.” His father says. “I love your mother, but she needs me more.”
Siwon doesn’t need to ask who the “she” is. He knows. The whole world knows.
“You don’t love my mother. If you did you would stay.”
It’s the last thing he wants really. He doesn’t want his father to stay, not after what he’s done to his mother, but his mother wants him. His mother wants his father to stay and Siwon knows this isn’t his decision to make.
“She is wonderful, Siwon.” His father says. “If you knew her. If you just talked to her for a second then you would understand why I have to go with her.”
“I have talked to her.” Siwon says before he can stop himself. “I know what she’s like. I know how she hurts her son. She’s Sungmin’s mother.”
“Who’s Sungmin?”
Siwon stops. He’s never told his parents about Sungmin. They don’t know the number of times Siwon has sneaked out to see Sungmin. They don’t know how important Sungmin is to him. They don’t know because they would never understand.
Siwon looks at his father. He looks at the packed suitcases. He looks at his mother who is curled up on the couch, looking at him with big eyes. His mother knows. He can tell she knows because he can see the horror in her eyes.
“I love him.” Siwon says gritting his teeth. “I love him and you’re screwing around with his mother.”
Siwon doesn’t expect his father to hit him. His father has never hit him, not even when he was boiling with rage. It says a lot about how much Siwon is hurting the family from how much his jaw hurts. He says nothing though because he isn’t taking anything back.
“Get upstairs. To your room. Now.”
Siwon says nothing, lets his eyes do the talking for him because if he opens his mouth now he’s not going to be able to take it back. He goes to his room because he has to, because his mother is talking to his father. He doesn’t care what happens next because he needs to get to Sungmin, needs to be there, to hold him, to tell him it’s okay, that Siwon isn’t angry, that Siwon loves him.
Siwon loves him.
Siwon has always loved him and he just needs to get there and tell him. When he gets to his room, he locks the door, hopes his mother and father will leave him alone long enough for him to get back. He’s opening his room window before he can think this through. He’s out on the balcony, one leg swung over before he realizes that he can’t jump from the second floor down.
He’s back in his room looking for something to get down with. He picks up his bed sheets because at least those movies he and Sungmin went to see together are useful. He ties the sheet to the balcony edge and climbs down. The sheet is nowhere near long enough to reach the ground, but it’s closer now and when he jumps, instead of breaking both legs, he just sprains his ankle.
It doesn’t stop him because even with his ankle is complaining, he’s running. Siwon is aware that he can take a car, that he can call a cab, but he has no time to stop. He’s sweaty, hair sticking to his forehead when he finally makes it to Sungmin’s house. He can’t breathe properly either, but there he is, knocking on the door.
He knocks and there is no answer. He keeps knocking until his knuckles are red and aching. He knocks even after the woman from next door tells him that Sungmin isn’t home, that he left that morning, suitcases and everything. He knocks until he knows for sure that no one is going to open the door. Then, he sinks down on the steps, leans against the step railing and just sits.
Sungmin wouldn’t leave he tells himself. Sungmin would never leave like that. There is some other answer, some other reason for why Sungmin is gone. He tells himself that it’s because Sungmin’s mother needs treatment, that Sungmin is going to take her to a hospital to help her. He lets himself believe that Sungmin’s mother isn’t dying, that Sungmin has taken her to be cured. He knows better, knows that cancer has no cure, not at this stage. He lies to himself though, lies to himself because he needs to believe that Sungmin is going to come back to him. He needs to believe it.
When he gets home that night, his mother is sitting on the couch. His father is sitting with her and they’re talking like nothing happened. The suitcase is gone. Siwon barely registers the shock on their faces when he walks in through the door.
“Son.” His father says. “Siwon, I need to talk to you.”
Siwon stops. “Yes?”
He is no mood to listen, but manners, the teachings that have been engraved in his brain forever tell him that he needs to listen, that he has to stay. He stays because that is what he needs to do, but as soon as he gets to his room and his cellphone he is going to call Sungmin.
“Your mother and I had a talk.” His father says, clearly uncomfortable. “I shouldn’t have hit you. And as for this boy—”
“His name is Sungmin.”
“Right, Sungmin. You can see him.”
Siwon looks up and laughs. “Great. When he comes back from wherever you chased him and his mother to, I’ll let him know.”
Siwon knows he sounds bitter, but he is. He turns away from them both, from his mother and father and goes to his room. He calls Sungmin and gets no answer. He keeps calling, late into the night, when he can’t keep his eyes open anymore, he stops. He closes the phone and tosses it somewhere into the dark room. He gets up five minutes later to get it, because maybe, just maybe Sungmin will call him back.
Sungmin never calls back. Siwon wakes up the next morning, gets up, goes to class and doesn’t see Sungmin. He asks at the office and they tell him that Sungmin has transferred but they can’t tell him where. Siwon tries everything, pulls out all his influences, his connections to the head of the school and gets nowhere.
School becomes what it was before. He’s back to sitting with the kids at school who just want to talk to him because he’s rich. He’s back to having fake friends, back to hearing fake words. The girls are worse because they think that he needs someone to comfort him, someone to “bring him back.” Siwon ignores them all and eventually they learn to leave him alone.
He waits for days, weeks, eventually months. He doesn’t know how he makes it, how he can go days without seeing Sungmin. He doesn’t understand why his dreams won’t cooperate with him, why he can’t even dream of Sungmin. He’s so needy one day, so very wanting. He doesn’t know how it happens, but suddenly he’s thinking of Sungmin, of Sungmin’s skin under his fingers, Sungmin’s hips in his hands. He’s thinking of filling Sungmin, of moving with him.
Siwon has to leave class early. He goes to the bathroom, locks himself in a stall and has a hand in his pants as soon as the door is locked behind him. He leans his forehead against the stall and moves his hand up and down, slowly. He can picture Sungmin, tongue poking out at the corner of his lips as he concentrates. He can see Sungmin, eyes dark, that look in his eyes that is so wanting. He can see Sungmin with his head thrown back, that wonderful neck.
Siwon closes his eyes, muffles his cries into this arm and thinks of Sungmin. It’s wrong. It’s so very wrong to be in this room with his hand in his pants, with his wrist twisting that way, so wrong to be in here thinking of Sungmin. But, he can’t help himself. He remembers their first time, so fast, too distanced. He remembers their second time, their third, until he can’t think anymore, until it’s just Sungmin in his head, just Sungmin who isn’t there. Siwon comes with the image of Sungmin’s pretty lips wrapped around him, chokes back a cry. When he opens his eyes, it’s too real. He’s alone. There is no Sungmin.
After that day Siwon only goes to class because he needs to. He does his work because his father expects him to. He forgets that there is a point to it all because Sungmin isn’t there and somehow that means that there is no point. He is working on automatic, doing things because he’s always done them and not because he wants to do them.
Then the day comes, six months and five days after Sungmin left. There is light in Sungmin’s house. Siwon sees it because he has taking to walking past Sungmin’s house every day after school. He sees it and doesn’t believe it, but there it is. Siwon stares at the door for a good minute and then he’s there, hand knocking.
The door opens and there is Sungmin. Siwon looks at him, at the bags under those eyes. There is a look in those eyes that tells Siwon that Sungmin’s mother isn’t in the house, not anymore. Sungmin is wearing a white shirt under a black vest. His hair is long and messy, hasn’t slept in days probably. Siwon knows he should be doing something, should be saying something, but all Siwon can think is that Sungmin looks wonderful.
“Sungmin.”
There should be talking. They have to explain to each other why things have happened the way they have. Siwon needs to know why Sungmin left, but there are more important things to do. He steps forward, grabs Sungmin around the waist and silences the protests from Sungmin with a kiss. He drowns in it, swallows all the protests that Sungmin is trying to get out. He kisses Sungmin, pushes him against the door until Sungmin is kissing him back, pushing against him.
Siwon pulls away and they look at each other. Dark eyes meet dark eyes and then Sungmin is pulling Siwon into the house. He follows because there is no need for explanation yet. Siwon just wants to drown in Sungmin, wants to get back everything he’s been missing these past months.
They climb up the stairs, almost running in their haste to get behind a closed door. Siwon has barely closed the door behind them when Sungmin is pulling him backward. Siwon follows, watches the way Sungmin falls onto the bed. He crawls over, looking down at Sungmin’s hair over the pillow.
“Sungmin.” Siwon says knowing he has to ask before anything else happens.
“No.” Sungmin answers bringing Siwon’s lips down to his. “Not yet.”
Siwon wants to say something else, but Sungmin’s lips are moving with his. It starts out slow, a kind of slow that Siwon hasn’t felt in ages. But then his hand is under Sungmin’s shirt and that gasp from Sungmin’s mouth makes him forget why he wants to talk. He lets himself be carried away, loses himself in the way Sungmin’s lips work against his. Their tongues tangle together, fighting against each other and Siwon knows Sungmin is fighting to keep back noises.
Siwon pulls away long enough to pull down Sungmin’s pants, to shove away the shirt that’s in the way. He leans up, pulls his shirt over his head then helps Sungmin with his pants. They throw the clothes everywhere, anywhere really, just away is good. Siwon pushes Sungmin back down on the bed, can’t hold back the sound he makes because Sungmin is there. He can feel Sungmin’s smooth skin against his, can feel those hands.
Siwon moves away, looks around the room for something he can use, because he didn’t come here to hurt Sungmin. He came here to be with him, to feel him like this, to demand an explanation too, but that can wait until later.
“Where?” Siwon asks turning back to Sungmin.
Sungmin leans over, pulls open the dresser next to his bed and hands Siwon the small tube. Siwon takes it, opens the bottle and coats two fingers. He looks back at Sungmin who is watching him with glassy eyes.
“Are you sure?” Siwon asks because after all, in months, things could have changed.
“Yes.” Sungmin says taking Siwon’s hands and leading it down where it needs to be.
Siwon pushes one finger into Sungmin, gasps along with him as he feels that warmth. It’s been so long and he wants this so much and he wishes that Sungmin would talk to him, but god he’s so needy, so desperate. Sungmin is just as needy if that choked moan and the way he throws his head back is any indication.
Siwon watches the arch of that neck as he slips in the second finger. Sungmin’s strangled cry makes him impossibly hard and he can’t help that low growl that slips from his throat. He’s three fingers in when Sungmin finally speaks.
“Fuck. Siwon…Siwon, please, please.”
Siwon pulls his fingers out and Sungmin whimpers.
“Siwon,” Sungmin whispers and that’s all Siwon really needs.
He grabs Sungmin’s hips, hooks one of Sungmin’s legs around his waist and makes sure that he has Sungmin’s attention. When Sungmin’s eyes meet his, he pushes in, inch by inch, slow, so that Sungmin can see how tight he is, how hard it is for Siwon to get inside. Sungmin sits up, watches Siwon pushing his way in, watches and sees what exactly he’s taking in until he can’t really watch anymore. Siwon leans forward, his mouth going to Sungmin’s neck. He sucks a bruise into being, hears the soft cry from Sungmin and pushes some more until he’s fully in. He lays his head on Sungmin’s shoulder, waiting for their breathing to even out.
Sungmin is completely relaxed in his arms. The position they’re in at the moment probably isn’t the best for what Siwon wants to do, but Sungmin is holding onto him and he wants to be this close. He leans back against the headboard, legs stretched out in front of him, arms around Sungmin. Sungmin shifts with him, places his knees on either side of Siwon and puts his hands on Siwon’s muscled shoulders.
They look at each other, eyes locking and then Sungmin sits up, whimpers as Siwon comes out halfway and that’s as far as he gets before he slams back down. They both tremble, bodies so very wanting. Siwon moves his hands from around Sungmin, places one on Sungmin’s hip, the other behind him so that he can move too. They meet each other halfway, skin slapping against skin, moans falling from Sungmin’s lips. Sungmin’s head falls on Siwon’s shoulder, his pants filling Siwon’s ears. He moves, fast, because he needs this, hard, because when he does Sungmin lets out this noise that has Siwon growling low in his throat.
Siwon moves faster, over and over. Sungmin moves with him, together, both so far gone as their noises get louder. They’re less careful, more into this than Siwon expected. It’s all about the feel of Sungmin around him, wrapping him in, wanting him, taking him in, all of him like it was nothing. It’s about how wonderful it all feels, how fucking tight Sungmin is, how much he missed this.
When they come it’s with cries and a scream from Sungmin that sends shivers down Siwon’s spine. He can feel the way Sungmin’s nails dig into his shoulder, but the pain just sharpens the pleasure. He hisses, teeth bared against Sungmin’s collarbone as he tries to be quiet.
Sungmin is shaking afterwards as Siwon pulls him into his arms. They lay there together, soft words between them, words that mean nothing and then everything. They fall asleep in each other’s arms, Sungmin against Siwon’s chest.
The next morning Siwon wakes up to see Sungmin sitting on the couch looking out the window. He gets up.
“You’re still here.” He says because he still can’t believe it.
Sungmin turns to look at him, smile tugging at his lips. “This is my house.”
Siwon gets up, relieved because Sungmin isn’t telling him to get out. He gets up, forgets that he’s not dressed while Sungmin is. He walks over, picks Sungmin up and kisses him until they’re both breathless. He puts Sungmin down and then they’re looking at each other, the silence saying everything that Siwon can’t put into words.
“I’m sorry.” Sungmin says. “I had to go. He was your father. You had a family. We didn’t belong in it. My mother knew she was dying and she never told him. It wouldn’t have been fair, especially not to you and your mother. I didn’t want you getting hurt.”
“It’s over.” Siwon says shushing Sungmin. “It’s over. We’re here now and I have you and we’re together and just, don’t leave anymore.”
Sungmin smiles again and Siwon is sure that that smile will forever be his addiction. He leans forward, kisses Sungmin on the cheek, lets his hands wrap themselves low on Sungmin’s back, possessive.
“We have to get you dressed.” Sungmin breathes as Siwon kisses his way down his neck.
Siwon hums and starts on the buttons of Sungmin’s shirt.
“Siwon.” Sungmin gasps when Siwon bites down on his neck. “Food.”
Siwon hums again and keeps going.
“I want breakfast.” Sungmin says. “You’re supposed to take me out to eat now. Feed me. What kind of boyfriend are you if you’re going to let me starve?”
Siwon pays no attention. “You’re clothes are in the way.”
Sungmin just laughs and lets Siwon pull him back to the bed.
this is just ridiculous. the length of this thing. omfg
Also my Kyu bb posted ZHOU RY GO READ!!
And check out Ana(me) and Andi's collab communitysuperjuniora
Pairing: shimin (it's a miracle, no ninja!hanchul)
Genre: romance, angst, smut, fluff (i don't know okay)
Rating: R
Summary: Siwon doesn't choose to fall in love. It just happens. It happens with Sungmin.
Note: For
db5kprom15e who requested this @ inksandblots a/n: =\
Becoming your friend was my choice, but falling in love with you…that I had no control over.
Siwon is new to the school. He doesn’t know much about anything, except that he’s there because he is the son of the President of the Company that runs the school. Or that’s what he was told anyway. He doesn’t really see much point in keeping track about the schools he attends anymore. He just goes with it now. Too much moving, too many friends lost, too many times he could have said no but didn’t. He is too old now to care about where he goes, too old to make friends.
What’s the point? He’s going to leave them anyway.
At least, that’s the way he sees it in the beginning. That’s what he thinks before Sungmin comes into the picture. Sungmin with his big brown eyes, soft looking skin, perfect hair, gorgeous smile. Sungmin who everyone seems to hate, who everyone points to. Sungmin who just walks with his head down most of the time, hands fisted in his pocket. Sungmin who has no friends to walk him home from school.
Siwon has many of those, friends, or so they want him to think. He had people waiting for him at the entrance of school, girls hanging off his arm, guys wanting to talk to him. He knows these kinds of people, the ones who are there for a leg up. He doesn’t like these people. He likes the pretty boy with the dark hair and sad eyes. He likes Sungmin.
It takes him three tries to actually muster up the courage to talk to Sungmin. It’s mostly because he can’t really think straight when it comes to the other man. There is something about Sungmin’s eyes, the way he looks at everyone that has Siwon wishing he could carry his bible with him wherever he went. He can’t. It’s locked up in his car and he’s not supposed to bring it into school. This is a school open to all after all and they can’t have one student trying to sway everyone else. Siwon doesn’t think he is going to make it out of this school sane and whole if he doesn’t have that bible. Not when Sungmin is around.
No one talks to Sungmin, ever. And maybe that’s one of the reasons Siwon is attracted in the first place. If no one talks to Sungmin then that means that it’s because Sungmin is maybe somehow different from everyone else. It’s hard to get Sungmin out of his head. It’s hard because Sungmin comes to school wearing pink and black and smiling at the world even when everyone else just glares at him. It’s hard because Sungmin has an angelic smile, a coy, sort of shy smile that he only shows when he catches Siwon looking at him.
This last part, Siwon looking, happens a lot. Siwon is always watching Sungmin, watching him because he thinks he might be in love with Sungmin. He’s never talked to him before, but he swears that his heart wants to jump out of his chest whenever Sungmin smiles at him from across a room. His whole body does this weird thing, sort of shivering maybe, whenever Sungmin stretches and the skin of his side is revealed for Siwon’s eyes. His hands go all clammy too when he thinks of talking to Sungmin.
He thinks he might be in love, but maybe that’s just him.
Still, today is the day, he knows it is. He has planned out how this will work, how he is going to make this work. He knows Sungmin goes to the martial arts club three times a week. This means that Siwon has three opportunities to catch Sungmin alone after everyone else is gone. He’s marked this week as his week, but the first two times don’t go exactly as planned.
The first time Siwon sits down on the steps and waits. He waits and waits and Sungmin never comes out. He waits until it’s dark and the moon is out, laughing at him. Stupid moon. It occurs to him that moons don’t laugh, probably won’t laugh at him anyway, because moons just don’t care much about him probably. The moon is too busy being pretty and worshipped anyway, but in Siwon’s opinion, Sungmin is much prettier, probably should be worshipped too.
By the time Siwon works out that Sungmin isn’t coming out, it is dark, his feet are numb and he is in a bad mood. He goes home, throws off his clothes and is on his way to the shower when he realizes that it isn’t Monday. It is Tuesday. Sungmin doesn’t have club on Tuesday.
Siwon never again calls the moon stupid after that.
The second time he waits, sitting on the steps, counting down the minutes until Sungmin walks out the door. When Sungmin does walk out the door later, it is to find Siwon asleep on the steps, head against the wall. Normally Sungmin would walk away, but he has noticed Siwon, noticed how the other man looks at him and it isn’t fair to leave him out in the open where anyone can come and…well, you just never know what people are capable of these days. Sungmin just doesn’t want to wake up tomorrow and find out that Siwon has been attacked by wild girls. He doesn’t think that his conscious would be very happy.
It is a lot easier picking Siwon up than he imagines. It might be easier to wake Siwon up, but when Sungmin tries all he gets are a couple of mumbles and one “go away.” The next best thing he can do is call a cab. He does.
“Where am I taking him?” the cab driver asks when he pulls up, not bothering to help Sungmin with Siwon.
Sungmin rattles off the address, his breath not quite coming out the way he wants it to. The only reason why he knows where Siwon lives is because everyone knows the Chois.
“Who’s paying?” the cab driver asks when Sungmin dumps Siwon in the back seat.
Sungmin blinks. He looks at Siwon. The Chois have money.
“He is.” Sungmin says and walks away before the cab driver can put in another word.
When Siwon wakes up he’s in his bed, the covers over his shoulders. He looks around convinced that he fell asleep waiting for Sungmin and is having some weird dream. He walks down the stairs, peeking around corners because in these kinds of dreams, the killer is always around the corner. When he gets downstairs and finds no knife wielding, black haired singer turned murderer he knows it’s not a dream. His father is in his study and his mother is cooking something in the kitchen.
“Siwonnie, you’re up.” His mother says when she sees him. “Are you feeling better?”
“I am.” Siwon says. “Why?”
“The cab driver who brought you home said that someone had to carry you into the car.”
Siwon blinks, tries to remember who could have possibly carried him into the car. He comes up with only one possibility and he doesn’t like it. He wasn’t supposed to fall asleep and have Sungmin carry him into a cab. He was supposed to have been there waiting for Sungmin and have wowed him with the magnificent speech he didn’t have planned.
“Are you hungry Siwon?” his mother asks.
“No,” Siwon answers. “I’m going back to sleep.”
The third time Siwon goes to find Sungmin he’s ready. He has practiced what he’s going to say, has a note in his pocket where he wrote down why Sungmin should let Siwon take him out for coffee. He’s ready to read off that paper if necessary. He’s leaning against the door again, waiting for Sungmin to come out of practice. He doesn’t sit this time because he is not going to fall asleep again.
When Sungmin finally does come out of practice, hands in the pocket of his jeans, head down as he listens to his Ipod, Siwon doesn’t know how he is supposed to catch Sungmin’s attention. He can’t say anything because Sungmin won’t hear him. He can’t touch him either because he doesn’t think he’s allowed that. He really has no option other than standing in front of Sungmin and waiting for Sungmin to walk into him.
Siwon moves in front of Sungmin, but the other man just walks around him. Siwon is left standing in the same spot, mouth hanging open. He’s working through his brain trying to find some sort of solution to this problem when Sungmin turns around.
“Hey,” Sungmin says. “Do you want to get some coffee or something?”
Siwon doesn’t know what he’s supposed to say so he just settles for nodding as enthusiastically as he can. He realizes that he’s not even playing it cool anymore and stops.
“I mean…I guess I can. I have to ask my mother first.”
Sungmin laughs and Siwon wants to punch himself.
“Well ask your mother.” Sungmin says coming over to take his hand. “And let’s go because I think you need to buy me a coffee for that time I called the cab.”
Siwon blushes, mutters something that he hopes makes sense and follows Sungmin. They go have coffee, watch a movie and have dinner. It’s only the first time Siwon is actually talking to Sungmin, but he’s already more than happy that he did this. Sungmin is a wonderful companion, chatting away, smiling like the whole world belongs in his pocket.
“Okay I have to go.” Sungmin says.
Siwon blinks and looks around. They’re in front of a white house, with blue windows and doors. The garden has signs of early spring flowers and the gate around the house is the kind that screams perfect family. Siwon blinks because he swears that just five minutes ago they were walking next to each other, hands stuffed in pockets, talking about boy bands.
“You live here?” Siwon asks.
Sungmin nods. “Yeah.”
They say nothing for a while. Siwon is looking down at his shoes because he knows this is his first date with Sungmin and it might not even count as a date, because they have never spoken to each other before. He is nervous even though he tells himself that he can just turn around and walk away.
“Sungmin.” Siwon says and then he looks up.
Sungmin is still looking at his shoes and Siwon can see a tinge of red around Sungmin’s ears. “Yeah?”
“Have a goodnight okay.” Siwon says.
Sungmin looks up just as Siwon is turning away. Fingers wrap around Siwon’s wrist and then he’s turning around. Sungmin is looking at him, that small smile playing on his lips. Siwon forgets how to breathe as he looks at Sungmin. Really, he should have known better than to assume he was in love with Sungmin. He can’t be in love, at least, not yet.
“Thank you.” Sungmin says placing a kiss on Siwon’s cheek.
Siwon watches as Sungmin walks to his front door. He turns just before going in and waves at Siwon. Siwon waves back. He waits until Sungmin is inside and then he leaves.
He might not be in love with Sungmin, but he’s glad he’s chosen to become Sungmin’s friend, maybe more than a friend. And who knows, maybe if things go well, he can say that he fell in love.
Hey, listen, that one time when we were down by the river, and you were sad and drunk because of your mom, I really thought we should’ve talked about it more.
Siwon doesn’t hear about Sungmin’s mother until they’ve been dating for a year. Things have been going well. Siwon and Sungmin make a wonderful couple, even the people who used to ignore Sungmin admit this. They still ignore him, still walk away when Sungmin comes over to Siwon, but it’s okay. Siwon is there to assure Sungmin that he’s wonderful, that it doesn’t matter what others think because Siwon thinks he’s perfect.
Siwon finds out about Sungmin’s mother first from one of the girls who seems to hate the idea of Siwon and Sungmin. She corners Siwon after class, pulls him aside, saying that she needs help with something. Siwon goes because he believes her.
“Siwon, oppa.” She says when she closes the door to the classroom. “I have to tell you something about Sungmin.”
Siwon raises an eyebrow. “Yes?”
“Sungmin’s mother is a whore. She sleeps with men for a living. There are rumors that Sungmin does it too. You really shouldn’t be with him oppa. There are so many other people in this school. Anyone would be better than him.”
Siwon knows better than to be rude. He says nothing just walks out of the classroom. He knows that he shouldn’t pay attention. He doesn’t want to, doesn’t really care about what people say about Sungmin because he doesn’t believe a word of it.
He thinks nothing more of it until the next day when he is woken up by the sound of his phone. He picks it up, doesn’t bother to look who’s calling because there is only one person who ever calls him at this hour.
“Sungmin?”
“Siwon is that you?” Sungmin says, his words too slurred together for sleep. “Siwon, I think I need you to come pick me up.”
Siwon is up and out of bed before he even answers. He looks for his pants in the dark and pulls them on. He has his shirt on too when he remembers he should say something.
“Where are you? Are you drunk?”
“Probably.” Sungmin answers. “I think I drank enough to get drunk. Listen, bring me some soju okay.”
“I am not bringing you anything. Where are you?” Siwon asks padding down the stairs, trying to make no noise as he heads for the door.
“I don’t know where I am.” Sungmin says. “I think it’s the river. There’s lots of water everywhere. Yeah, it’s probably the river. And why not? You always do what I want.”
Siwon laughs. “I only do it because if I don’t you’ll never let me live it down. You’ll hate me forever if I don’t do what you want.”
Sungmin laughs, but it sounds almost like a sob.
“Sungmin,” Siwon says opening the car door, “What’s wrong?”
Sungmin says nothing. Siwon looks at his phone, but the bars are there and he’s still connected.
“She’s dying you know.” Sungmin says. “My mother. She has cancer. And it’s true what they say about her at school. She sleeps with men for a living.”
“Sungmin.” Siwon says because really what can you say at a time like that?
“Just hurry up Siwon. Hurry up. I need you here.”
Siwon nods, doesn’t realize that Sungmin can’t see him, but he’s driving and he needs to hang up.
“I’ll be there. Wait for me.”
“Always.” Sungmin says.
Siwon thinks he might have broken every law on speeding that night, but Sungmin alone by the river is enough to drive him forward. He makes it there in record time, barely shuts the door behind him and then he’s running. He heads for the foot of the river, not knowing exactly where Sungmin is, but something is just telling him that he needs to go in the direction he’s running.
He finds Sungmin sprawled on the floor. He runs over, afraid at first until he sees that Sungmin is looking at the stars.
“Hello Siwon.” Sungmin says smiling when he sees him.
“Sungmin,” Siwon says. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.”
Siwon doubts it very much but he says nothing. He sits there waiting for Sungmin to say something.
“My mother has always slept with men, ever since my dad died when I was ten. It brings money. It puts me through school.”
Siwon looks at Sungmin. He doesn’t know what to say.
“You know what?” Sungmin says his words even more slurred than before. “I don’t really want to talk about this anymore.”
“You don’t trust me?” Siwon asks.
Sungmin looks at him. He says nothing and Siwon wonders why it hurts so much.
“Let’s go home okay?” Siwon says getting up and helping Sungmin.
They stand, but Sungmin isn’t as stable as Siwon first thinks. They get up and Sungmin stumbles, falling forward. Siwon makes to catch him, but Sungmin is up by himself, eyes down. Siwon follows his gaze. They’re so close, so close that Siwon can feel the heat from Sungmin’s body. He can feel Sungmin’s leg between his, the lower half of their bodies pressed together. He lets his head fall down into Sungmin’s hair, his lips brush Sungmin’s ear. He gets a small sound from Sungmin in response.
“Tell me more.” Siwon whispers into Sungmin’s ear. “Tell me about her.”
Sungmin looks up, his eyes half lidded, mouth slightly open as he looks at Siwon. “You’re so fucking perfect you know that?”
Siwon shakes his head. They’re too close, touching too much and Siwon can’t think straight. He can’t get carried away, not now, not when Sungmin needs him. But, he’s never been this close either, he’s never had Sungmin pressed against him like this. Not even when they kissed was it like this, not with this weird sort of electricity between them. It’s like someone upped the sexual tension, like Sungmin being sad about his mother makes him needy.
“No.” Sungmin says. “I don’t want to talk about her. I just…I need to forget.”
Siwon looks at him just as Sungmin looks up. There is something in Sungmin’s eyes, sort of like desperation, sadness definitely and underneath that maybe Siwon sees how small and fragile Sungmin is. He can tell how much it hurts, how Sungmin wants to curl up and cry, how he needs to let it out. He can see what it is that Sungmin wants to say, but can’t. Sungmin is scared. Siwon knows. Siwon understands.
But, he says nothing.
I think you thought I didn’t really “get” you that day. I just want you to know that I did. And, I knew anyway. I just acted the way I did because I was hurting too. I’m really sorry, seriously, for letting you think I didn’t know for so long.
They stand there for a while, Sungmin with his eyes closed, Siwon watching him. He doesn’t quite understand why it hurts to know that Sungmin doesn’t trust him. He knows that he’s never really done much to deserve Sungmin’s trust, but after all their time together he thinks he might have at least earned something.
“You know what?” Sungmin says suddenly as he opens his eyes.
“What?” Siwon asks, eyes cast away.
“I’m sick of this shit.”
Siwon looks at him, opens his mouth to say something about language, about how Sungmin should probably let Siwon take him home, but he can’t. He can’t because Sungmin is there, lips pressing against Siwon. They’ve kissed before, but not like this. Siwon’s never had Sungmin drunk in his arms, so persistent, so demanding.
Siwon gives in, lets Sungmin kiss him, lets Sungmin push him down on the grass. Sungmin is moving on top of him, pressing down against Siwon, one hand sliding under Siwon’s shirt. Their tongues are fighting each other and there is an edge to the way Sungmin is kissing him. It’s almost desperate, almost like Sungmin needs this. Siwon knows it, can understand it, knows he should be pushing Sungmin away, but he can’t. He can’t because Sungmin has gotten Siwon’s shirt over his head and the grass beneath him is uncomfortable.
“I want you.” Sungmin says. “Please, Siwon.”
Siwon doesn’t know what he’s supposed to answer to that, but then Sungmin is popping open the button on his pants and sliding a freezing cold hand inside. Siwon hisses, back arching as Sungmin grabs hold. Those fingers are teasing small noises out of him and Siwon can’t think straight because, fuck, Sungmin’s hand is wonderful around him and just fuck
“Sungmin.” Siwon breathes.
“Sh.” Sungmin says. “Be good Siwon. Let me.”
Siwon says nothing, lays back and closes his eyes as Sungmin moves down his body, lips trailing down and Siwon takes a moment to wonder when his pants ended up around his ankles. He doesn’t need much thinking though because suddenly there is something warm wrapped around him and his brain explodes with the sensation. He leans up on his elbows and catches sight of Sungmin, cheeks hollowed, head moving up and down. Siwon curses, berates himself for doing it and curses again when Sungmin does this thing with his tongue.
Sungmin pulls away with a small pop and rolls over, dragging Siwon on top of him. “Kiss me.”
Siwon does, pushes Sungmin into the grass and kisses him like he is the air around them, like Siwon needs him and in a way he does. Sungmin sighs against his mouth, pulls until Siwon helps him take off that offending shirt. Then Sungmin pulls Siwon back down against him.
“I’m cold.”
Siwon kisses the side of Sungmin’s neck in response.
“I’m so cold Siwon.”
It’s so small, such a tiny sentence, but Siwon hears everything behind it. He hears the pain, the sadness, the terror. Sungmin is cold, but not because it’s 2am and they’re by the river, shirts off, almost naked.
“I’ll keep you warm.” Siwon says.
He means it in the figurative way, maybe the literal way too, but it doesn’t come out sounding that way. It comes out more breathy, sort of suggestive, but really how else is it supposed to come out? How to make it sound sincere when Sungmin is pressed against him, one hand in Siwon’s hair, the other working up and down Siwon, coaxing him, teasing him?
“Make me warm.” Sungmin says. “Make it so hot that I can’t breathe. Make me forget Siwon.”
Siwon pulls away because he knows this is where they stop. Pity sex isn’t good, especially not when Sungmin is drunk. Pity sex leads to misunderstandings, to things gone wrong. But, then Sungmin is dragging his nails down Siwon’s stomach, fingers wrapping around Siwon and he can’t breathe.
“I want you to make me forget.” Sungmin says his grip tightening.
Siwon gives in. He lets himself move against Sungmin, lets those legs wrap around his waist. Siwon looks down between them and sees Sungmin’s eyes watching as Siwon rolls his hips. He drags a long, drawn out moan from Sungmin after one particular move and then Sungmin is pushing him away.
“Inside me. Now.”
Siwon blinks because he doesn’t know if this is okay. Sungmin is drunk and he needs to know that this isn’t just some whim and that when he’s sober things will change. But, Sungmin is persistent, demanding and Siwon is more than glad to give in to him. It’s new for both of them, sort of sloppy and Sungmin cries out more than once from the pain, but once they get it right, it’s like nothing Siwon has ever felt before.
They move fast because that’s the way Sungmin wants it. Siwon pushes in over and over, loses control in the middle of it because there is something about Sungmin’s moans that get to him. He’s less careful, pounds in hard so that Sungmin is arching into him, head thrown back.
“Fuck.” Sungmin gasps out. “Yes, Siwon. Yes.”
Siwon gasps, takes Sungmin’s hip in one hand and moves faster. Sungmin’s nails on his back encourage him, those legs around his waist push him in deeper. He can feel Sungmin tighten around him, can feel Sungmin completely malleable in his hands. That voice in his ear, those words, the way Sungmin pants. It’s all beautiful music, perfect or it would be except, of course, behind it all there’s still that tinge of desperation. It’s like Sungmin is trying to find a way out, trying to be taken away, like he’s trying so hard not to think, to just feel. Siwon can see it, knows it’s wrong, but he also knows that he’s helping Sungmin forget, for this moment. He focuses back on them, on their pants, on their soft cries muffled into each other’s mouths.
By the bank of the river, they learn about each other. It should be perfect and beautiful but there is something about it all that tells Siwon that Sungmin just wants to forget about his mother. But, that’s okay too because Siwon is glad he can help make the pain go away. They don’t go home that night. They spend it by the river and when they’re sleepy, they head to the car. They fall asleep in the back seat, Sungmin wrapped in Siwon’s arms.
Siwon wakes up the next morning and Sungmin is gone. When he gets to school, Sungmin isn’t here. When Siwon calls him Sungmin doesn’t answer and when Siwon finally sees Sungmin, he’s ignored. It’s like before, like Siwon has just moved into the school and Sungmin doesn’t see him. Siwon knows it has to do with their night at the river and he needs to fix it, needs it to be better, now.
He waits until Sungmin comes out of class. He waits by the door and calls out when Sungmin walks out.
“Sungmin.” Siwon says.
Sungmin doesn’t even look back.
“Sungmin, wait, hang on. We need to talk.”
Sungmin says nothing, keeps walking, past the group of students in front of them. Siwon follows him because he’s not used to this. This Sungmin, the quiet one, the alone Sungmin, this isn’t the Sungmin he’s used to. This isn’t what he wants.
“Sungmin.” Siwon tries one more time.
Sungmin does turn then, but there is no smile on his face, nothing like the welcome Siwon is used to getting. His eyes are cold, his hand fisted as he looks up at Siwon.
“What do you want?”
Siwon opens his mouth ready to ask why, but then he understands. He knows why Sungmin is being like this, why he’s avoiding Siwon. He gets it because it’s there, it’s right there in his face.
“You think I used you.” Siwon says not quite out of his shock.
Sungmin glares. “You don’t get it.”
Siwon stares at him. He does get it. He understands better than Sungmin thinks he does. He didn’t use Sungmin. If anything Sungmin was the one who used him, used him to forget, but Siwon doesn’t care. He would let Sungmin do anything, would give him anything because he needs to see that smile.
“I do get it.” Siwon answers. “I get it perfectly well.”
Sungmin shakes his head, laughs like Siwon is stupid. “You don’t get it. You’ll never get it because your mother isn’t dying. Your mother isn’t driving herself insane, drinking every night until she can’t even stand up because she needs to forget that there is one more man for her to fuck, because her soon needs to go to school. You don’t get it. You’ll never get it.”
And then Sungmin’s gone and Siwon watches him walk away, shoulders stiff, defensive. He watched because he does get it. He does. Siwon lets Sungmin go off alone, because he hurts, because he can’t bear the mistrust. He lets it go, manages three weeks and then he can’t take it anymore. Siwon catches Sungmin just as he’s leaving martial arts practice. Sungmin sees him and turns to walk back into the school, but Siwon is there, hand going around Sungmin’s wrist.
“Please.” Siwon says. “I need to talk to you.”
Sungmin looks at him and for a moment Siwon thinks he’s going to say no, but Sungmin just nods. Siwon takes him to the café where they had their first cup of coffee. They sit together, neither saying anything, but Siwon needs to fix this. He needs to have Sungmin be okay again. He needs to see that smile, those coy looks. He wants Sungmin back.
“Listen,” Siwon starts.
“No,” Sungmin interrupts. “You don’t have to say anything. I get it okay. You’re a Choi. You don’t need my crap. You don’t get it anyway. You’re perfect, rich, good looking. I’m sorry.”
Siwon thinks of letting Sungmin go, but then this whole thing would have been for nothing and he does get it. He gets it more than Sungmin thinks he does, because for some reason Siwon just gets Sungmin. So, he gets up, grabs Sungmin by the wrist and pulls him back.
Siwon knows the easiest way to get his point across is by actions. He pulls Sungmin against him, kisses him, angry, wanting. He kisses hard because he needs Sungmin to understand that this is important, that Siwon needs him, that he can’t really explain it in words, but he gets it.
Sungmin falls back into it easy, his hands going to Siwon’s hair, pulling. Siwon holds him close, leans down so that Sungmin is bent over his hands from the intensity of their kiss. It’s hungry, but the message is there through their fierceness.
Siwon needs Sungmin.
Sungmin trusts Siwon.
But, you blocked me out and turned away, hiding yourself from me. I found you again. You weren’t hiding. You were protecting me from you. I don’t need to be protected.
Everything is okay until it isn’t. Sungmin is still there, still sits with Siwon, holds his hand when they walk, but it’s like his mind is always on something else. They come to a point where Siwon is the one doing all the talking when they sit together. Siwon doesn’t mind really. He does it because he thinks that Sungmin’s still worried about his mother; that Sungmin just needs to be distracted.
They’re sitting together in the library one day. Siwon is watching the way Sungmin furrows his eyebrows as he reads from his book. It should be adorable, but all it does is remind him of all the other faces Sungmin can make.
“Hey Siwon.” Sungmin says looking up and catching him watching.
Sungmin’s smirk makes the blood rush to Siwon’s face and he has to look down at his book when he answers. “Yeah?”
“Want to meet my mother?”
Siwon looks up, pen poised over his paper. He’s not sure he heard correctly, but he looks up and Sungmin is there, waiting for his answer. Siwon wants to ask why, but he thinks better of it.
“Okay.”
Sungmin nods and it’s not until he starts packing that Siwon realizes that Sungmin means now, as in now. He gets up, puts his things away and they go. They say nothing, but Siwon can see how Sungmin fidgets. He sees the same walk, the defensive walk, sees how Sungmin’s shoulders are tight. They’re maybe a block away from Sungmin’s house when Siwon stops them.
“We don’t have to.” He says.
Sungmin stops, looks at him and for a second there is relief in those eyes. It’s just a second though because then Sungmin is smiling and pulling him along telling Siwon not to be silly. Siwon knows there is something Sungmin isn’t telling Siwon, but he doesn’t ask. He figures that Sungmin will tell him, because Sungmin has learned to trust him somewhat.
They get to the house and Sungmin is pulling Siwon in before he can get his shoes off properly. He follows into the house, doesn’t know what to expect, but it’s clean. It’s clean and cozy and looks exactly like what the outside looks like, like it belongs to a quaint little family.
“Where are we going Sungmin?” Siwon asks when Sungmin is pulling him over to one of the rooms on the left.
“The kitchen.” Sungmin says. “I want you to meet my mom. She needs to see you.”
Siwon nods, lets Sungmin pull him over to the kitchen. The woman there is nothing like what Siwon expects. She doesn’t look like an alcoholic. She looks like the perfect mom, apron around her waist, kneading dough. She smiles wide when she sees Sungmin, even wider when she sees Sungmin’s hand in Siwon’s.
“Hello,” she says smiling at Siwon like he’s her son, “You must be Siwon. You certainly are good looking.”
Siwon blushes. “I’m Siwon.”
“He’s Siwon.” Sungmin says and the edge in his voice makes Siwon look at him. “He’s Siwon. Choi Siwon.”
Siwon frowns, not sure what’s going on because Sungmin’s mother is looking at him like he just grew two heads. He wants to say something, but Sungmin is already pulling him put the door. Again, he has to scramble to get his shoes back on, before he’s outside. Sungmin says nothing as they walk. They keep walking until they come to one of the benches in the park. Sungmin sits down, pulls Siwon down with him and sighs.
“What did you think?”
Siwon smiles. “I like her. She seems nice and she’s not…”
Sungmin laughs. “She’s beautiful when she’s sober and yeah she’s nice. But, she’s dying.”
Siwon says nothing.
“I love her.” Sungmin says. “I love her, but she’s going to hurt someone and then she’ll be hurt herself.”
Siwon takes Sungmin into his arms, puts his head on top of Sungmin’s. “It’ll be fine.”
Sungmin sighs. “It won’t be.”
The news about Sungmin’s mother comes out the next day. It’s all over the papers, all over the news. It’s on every channel, on every internet site. It’s a small town, but it’s a big deal. Sungmin’s mother is sleeping with important man, a man important enough to commandeer the news channels.
Sungmin’s mother is sleeping with Siwon’s father. Sungmin’s mother who drinks until she can’t tell which way is up and which way is down, Sungmin’s mother who is Sungmin’s mother is sleeping with his father. His father is married. His father has a son and a wife and he is sleeping with Sungmin’s mother.
The scene on the TV moves to a white house with blue doors and windows. Sungmin is trying to get the camera to turn away from his mother, but the camera man won’t listen. Siwon catches a glimpse of Sungmin’s mother, her eyes red, probably from a night of drinking. There are reporters shooting questions at Sungmin as he tries to maneuver his way to the car parked in front of the house. Siwon watches as Sungmin finally gets his mother inside and then he notices the suitcases.
Siwon is throwing the television remote on the floor and running down the stairs before the news is over. His mother is in the living room crying, her face buried in her hands. His father is by the door watching her, suitcase in one hand. There is something in the way his father is standing that lets Siwon know that this isn’t some sort of temporary separation. This is permanent. If Siwon’s father walks out now he isn’t coming back. Siwon knows.
“The door is that way.” Siwon says going over to help his mother up. She clings to him, her cold hands reminding him of other cold hands, on some other night.
“That’s no way to talk to your father.”
Siwon looks up, tries to figure out what he is supposed to say in a situation like this. He can’t help anything at the moment. He wants to be outside, running as fast as he can to Sungmin’s house. He wants to stop Sungmin from going wherever he is going, but he knows he is supposed to be here. He is supposed to stay because his mother needs him and because his father needs to know that she is not alone.
“If you’re going to leave then go.” Siwon says.
His mother chokes on a sob. She is saying something, low, so low that Siwon has to lean in to listen. What he hears from her just makes him angry. She is asking his father to stay, not loud enough for his father to hear, but she is doing it anyway.
“I love her.” His father says. “I love your mother, but she needs me more.”
Siwon doesn’t need to ask who the “she” is. He knows. The whole world knows.
“You don’t love my mother. If you did you would stay.”
It’s the last thing he wants really. He doesn’t want his father to stay, not after what he’s done to his mother, but his mother wants him. His mother wants his father to stay and Siwon knows this isn’t his decision to make.
“She is wonderful, Siwon.” His father says. “If you knew her. If you just talked to her for a second then you would understand why I have to go with her.”
“I have talked to her.” Siwon says before he can stop himself. “I know what she’s like. I know how she hurts her son. She’s Sungmin’s mother.”
“Who’s Sungmin?”
Siwon stops. He’s never told his parents about Sungmin. They don’t know the number of times Siwon has sneaked out to see Sungmin. They don’t know how important Sungmin is to him. They don’t know because they would never understand.
Siwon looks at his father. He looks at the packed suitcases. He looks at his mother who is curled up on the couch, looking at him with big eyes. His mother knows. He can tell she knows because he can see the horror in her eyes.
“I love him.” Siwon says gritting his teeth. “I love him and you’re screwing around with his mother.”
Siwon doesn’t expect his father to hit him. His father has never hit him, not even when he was boiling with rage. It says a lot about how much Siwon is hurting the family from how much his jaw hurts. He says nothing though because he isn’t taking anything back.
“Get upstairs. To your room. Now.”
Siwon says nothing, lets his eyes do the talking for him because if he opens his mouth now he’s not going to be able to take it back. He goes to his room because he has to, because his mother is talking to his father. He doesn’t care what happens next because he needs to get to Sungmin, needs to be there, to hold him, to tell him it’s okay, that Siwon isn’t angry, that Siwon loves him.
Siwon loves him.
Siwon has always loved him and he just needs to get there and tell him. When he gets to his room, he locks the door, hopes his mother and father will leave him alone long enough for him to get back. He’s opening his room window before he can think this through. He’s out on the balcony, one leg swung over before he realizes that he can’t jump from the second floor down.
He’s back in his room looking for something to get down with. He picks up his bed sheets because at least those movies he and Sungmin went to see together are useful. He ties the sheet to the balcony edge and climbs down. The sheet is nowhere near long enough to reach the ground, but it’s closer now and when he jumps, instead of breaking both legs, he just sprains his ankle.
It doesn’t stop him because even with his ankle is complaining, he’s running. Siwon is aware that he can take a car, that he can call a cab, but he has no time to stop. He’s sweaty, hair sticking to his forehead when he finally makes it to Sungmin’s house. He can’t breathe properly either, but there he is, knocking on the door.
He knocks and there is no answer. He keeps knocking until his knuckles are red and aching. He knocks even after the woman from next door tells him that Sungmin isn’t home, that he left that morning, suitcases and everything. He knocks until he knows for sure that no one is going to open the door. Then, he sinks down on the steps, leans against the step railing and just sits.
Sungmin wouldn’t leave he tells himself. Sungmin would never leave like that. There is some other answer, some other reason for why Sungmin is gone. He tells himself that it’s because Sungmin’s mother needs treatment, that Sungmin is going to take her to a hospital to help her. He lets himself believe that Sungmin’s mother isn’t dying, that Sungmin has taken her to be cured. He knows better, knows that cancer has no cure, not at this stage. He lies to himself though, lies to himself because he needs to believe that Sungmin is going to come back to him. He needs to believe it.
When he gets home that night, his mother is sitting on the couch. His father is sitting with her and they’re talking like nothing happened. The suitcase is gone. Siwon barely registers the shock on their faces when he walks in through the door.
“Son.” His father says. “Siwon, I need to talk to you.”
Siwon stops. “Yes?”
He is no mood to listen, but manners, the teachings that have been engraved in his brain forever tell him that he needs to listen, that he has to stay. He stays because that is what he needs to do, but as soon as he gets to his room and his cellphone he is going to call Sungmin.
“Your mother and I had a talk.” His father says, clearly uncomfortable. “I shouldn’t have hit you. And as for this boy—”
“His name is Sungmin.”
“Right, Sungmin. You can see him.”
Siwon looks up and laughs. “Great. When he comes back from wherever you chased him and his mother to, I’ll let him know.”
Siwon knows he sounds bitter, but he is. He turns away from them both, from his mother and father and goes to his room. He calls Sungmin and gets no answer. He keeps calling, late into the night, when he can’t keep his eyes open anymore, he stops. He closes the phone and tosses it somewhere into the dark room. He gets up five minutes later to get it, because maybe, just maybe Sungmin will call him back.
Sungmin never calls back. Siwon wakes up the next morning, gets up, goes to class and doesn’t see Sungmin. He asks at the office and they tell him that Sungmin has transferred but they can’t tell him where. Siwon tries everything, pulls out all his influences, his connections to the head of the school and gets nowhere.
School becomes what it was before. He’s back to sitting with the kids at school who just want to talk to him because he’s rich. He’s back to having fake friends, back to hearing fake words. The girls are worse because they think that he needs someone to comfort him, someone to “bring him back.” Siwon ignores them all and eventually they learn to leave him alone.
He waits for days, weeks, eventually months. He doesn’t know how he makes it, how he can go days without seeing Sungmin. He doesn’t understand why his dreams won’t cooperate with him, why he can’t even dream of Sungmin. He’s so needy one day, so very wanting. He doesn’t know how it happens, but suddenly he’s thinking of Sungmin, of Sungmin’s skin under his fingers, Sungmin’s hips in his hands. He’s thinking of filling Sungmin, of moving with him.
Siwon has to leave class early. He goes to the bathroom, locks himself in a stall and has a hand in his pants as soon as the door is locked behind him. He leans his forehead against the stall and moves his hand up and down, slowly. He can picture Sungmin, tongue poking out at the corner of his lips as he concentrates. He can see Sungmin, eyes dark, that look in his eyes that is so wanting. He can see Sungmin with his head thrown back, that wonderful neck.
Siwon closes his eyes, muffles his cries into this arm and thinks of Sungmin. It’s wrong. It’s so very wrong to be in this room with his hand in his pants, with his wrist twisting that way, so wrong to be in here thinking of Sungmin. But, he can’t help himself. He remembers their first time, so fast, too distanced. He remembers their second time, their third, until he can’t think anymore, until it’s just Sungmin in his head, just Sungmin who isn’t there. Siwon comes with the image of Sungmin’s pretty lips wrapped around him, chokes back a cry. When he opens his eyes, it’s too real. He’s alone. There is no Sungmin.
After that day Siwon only goes to class because he needs to. He does his work because his father expects him to. He forgets that there is a point to it all because Sungmin isn’t there and somehow that means that there is no point. He is working on automatic, doing things because he’s always done them and not because he wants to do them.
Then the day comes, six months and five days after Sungmin left. There is light in Sungmin’s house. Siwon sees it because he has taking to walking past Sungmin’s house every day after school. He sees it and doesn’t believe it, but there it is. Siwon stares at the door for a good minute and then he’s there, hand knocking.
The door opens and there is Sungmin. Siwon looks at him, at the bags under those eyes. There is a look in those eyes that tells Siwon that Sungmin’s mother isn’t in the house, not anymore. Sungmin is wearing a white shirt under a black vest. His hair is long and messy, hasn’t slept in days probably. Siwon knows he should be doing something, should be saying something, but all Siwon can think is that Sungmin looks wonderful.
“Sungmin.”
There should be talking. They have to explain to each other why things have happened the way they have. Siwon needs to know why Sungmin left, but there are more important things to do. He steps forward, grabs Sungmin around the waist and silences the protests from Sungmin with a kiss. He drowns in it, swallows all the protests that Sungmin is trying to get out. He kisses Sungmin, pushes him against the door until Sungmin is kissing him back, pushing against him.
Siwon pulls away and they look at each other. Dark eyes meet dark eyes and then Sungmin is pulling Siwon into the house. He follows because there is no need for explanation yet. Siwon just wants to drown in Sungmin, wants to get back everything he’s been missing these past months.
They climb up the stairs, almost running in their haste to get behind a closed door. Siwon has barely closed the door behind them when Sungmin is pulling him backward. Siwon follows, watches the way Sungmin falls onto the bed. He crawls over, looking down at Sungmin’s hair over the pillow.
“Sungmin.” Siwon says knowing he has to ask before anything else happens.
“No.” Sungmin answers bringing Siwon’s lips down to his. “Not yet.”
Siwon wants to say something else, but Sungmin’s lips are moving with his. It starts out slow, a kind of slow that Siwon hasn’t felt in ages. But then his hand is under Sungmin’s shirt and that gasp from Sungmin’s mouth makes him forget why he wants to talk. He lets himself be carried away, loses himself in the way Sungmin’s lips work against his. Their tongues tangle together, fighting against each other and Siwon knows Sungmin is fighting to keep back noises.
Siwon pulls away long enough to pull down Sungmin’s pants, to shove away the shirt that’s in the way. He leans up, pulls his shirt over his head then helps Sungmin with his pants. They throw the clothes everywhere, anywhere really, just away is good. Siwon pushes Sungmin back down on the bed, can’t hold back the sound he makes because Sungmin is there. He can feel Sungmin’s smooth skin against his, can feel those hands.
Siwon moves away, looks around the room for something he can use, because he didn’t come here to hurt Sungmin. He came here to be with him, to feel him like this, to demand an explanation too, but that can wait until later.
“Where?” Siwon asks turning back to Sungmin.
Sungmin leans over, pulls open the dresser next to his bed and hands Siwon the small tube. Siwon takes it, opens the bottle and coats two fingers. He looks back at Sungmin who is watching him with glassy eyes.
“Are you sure?” Siwon asks because after all, in months, things could have changed.
“Yes.” Sungmin says taking Siwon’s hands and leading it down where it needs to be.
Siwon pushes one finger into Sungmin, gasps along with him as he feels that warmth. It’s been so long and he wants this so much and he wishes that Sungmin would talk to him, but god he’s so needy, so desperate. Sungmin is just as needy if that choked moan and the way he throws his head back is any indication.
Siwon watches the arch of that neck as he slips in the second finger. Sungmin’s strangled cry makes him impossibly hard and he can’t help that low growl that slips from his throat. He’s three fingers in when Sungmin finally speaks.
“Fuck. Siwon…Siwon, please, please.”
Siwon pulls his fingers out and Sungmin whimpers.
“Siwon,” Sungmin whispers and that’s all Siwon really needs.
He grabs Sungmin’s hips, hooks one of Sungmin’s legs around his waist and makes sure that he has Sungmin’s attention. When Sungmin’s eyes meet his, he pushes in, inch by inch, slow, so that Sungmin can see how tight he is, how hard it is for Siwon to get inside. Sungmin sits up, watches Siwon pushing his way in, watches and sees what exactly he’s taking in until he can’t really watch anymore. Siwon leans forward, his mouth going to Sungmin’s neck. He sucks a bruise into being, hears the soft cry from Sungmin and pushes some more until he’s fully in. He lays his head on Sungmin’s shoulder, waiting for their breathing to even out.
Sungmin is completely relaxed in his arms. The position they’re in at the moment probably isn’t the best for what Siwon wants to do, but Sungmin is holding onto him and he wants to be this close. He leans back against the headboard, legs stretched out in front of him, arms around Sungmin. Sungmin shifts with him, places his knees on either side of Siwon and puts his hands on Siwon’s muscled shoulders.
They look at each other, eyes locking and then Sungmin sits up, whimpers as Siwon comes out halfway and that’s as far as he gets before he slams back down. They both tremble, bodies so very wanting. Siwon moves his hands from around Sungmin, places one on Sungmin’s hip, the other behind him so that he can move too. They meet each other halfway, skin slapping against skin, moans falling from Sungmin’s lips. Sungmin’s head falls on Siwon’s shoulder, his pants filling Siwon’s ears. He moves, fast, because he needs this, hard, because when he does Sungmin lets out this noise that has Siwon growling low in his throat.
Siwon moves faster, over and over. Sungmin moves with him, together, both so far gone as their noises get louder. They’re less careful, more into this than Siwon expected. It’s all about the feel of Sungmin around him, wrapping him in, wanting him, taking him in, all of him like it was nothing. It’s about how wonderful it all feels, how fucking tight Sungmin is, how much he missed this.
When they come it’s with cries and a scream from Sungmin that sends shivers down Siwon’s spine. He can feel the way Sungmin’s nails dig into his shoulder, but the pain just sharpens the pleasure. He hisses, teeth bared against Sungmin’s collarbone as he tries to be quiet.
Sungmin is shaking afterwards as Siwon pulls him into his arms. They lay there together, soft words between them, words that mean nothing and then everything. They fall asleep in each other’s arms, Sungmin against Siwon’s chest.
The next morning Siwon wakes up to see Sungmin sitting on the couch looking out the window. He gets up.
“You’re still here.” He says because he still can’t believe it.
Sungmin turns to look at him, smile tugging at his lips. “This is my house.”
Siwon gets up, relieved because Sungmin isn’t telling him to get out. He gets up, forgets that he’s not dressed while Sungmin is. He walks over, picks Sungmin up and kisses him until they’re both breathless. He puts Sungmin down and then they’re looking at each other, the silence saying everything that Siwon can’t put into words.
“I’m sorry.” Sungmin says. “I had to go. He was your father. You had a family. We didn’t belong in it. My mother knew she was dying and she never told him. It wouldn’t have been fair, especially not to you and your mother. I didn’t want you getting hurt.”
“It’s over.” Siwon says shushing Sungmin. “It’s over. We’re here now and I have you and we’re together and just, don’t leave anymore.”
Sungmin smiles again and Siwon is sure that that smile will forever be his addiction. He leans forward, kisses Sungmin on the cheek, lets his hands wrap themselves low on Sungmin’s back, possessive.
“We have to get you dressed.” Sungmin breathes as Siwon kisses his way down his neck.
Siwon hums and starts on the buttons of Sungmin’s shirt.
“Siwon.” Sungmin gasps when Siwon bites down on his neck. “Food.”
Siwon hums again and keeps going.
“I want breakfast.” Sungmin says. “You’re supposed to take me out to eat now. Feed me. What kind of boyfriend are you if you’re going to let me starve?”
Siwon pays no attention. “You’re clothes are in the way.”
Sungmin just laughs and lets Siwon pull him back to the bed.
this is just ridiculous. the length of this thing. omfg
Also my Kyu bb posted ZHOU RY GO READ!!
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superjuniora
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Why thank you very much. I am happy to know you liked it. Thanks for reading \0/