static_abyss (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
static_abyss) wrote2011-03-31 12:51 am
static_abyss) wrote2011-03-31 12:51 am
Over a Cup of Coffee
Title: Over a Cup of Coffee
Pairing: Siwook (Siwon/Ryeowook) ninja!hanchul, ninja!qmi
Genre: angst, romance
Rating: PG (OMG LOOK PG!)
Summary: Ryeowook got to know them over cups of tea, but he fell in love over a cup of coffee...
Note: For![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
soju_drip because I know her pain and I feel for her and also because Siwook is just sort of addicting.
A/N: One more for you all. And one last time. Bid on my thread to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
help_japan . Anyway Kai here is some siwook for you because you are amazing and how can I deny you siwook? this is not the kill-siwon-make-ryeowook-an-alcoholic-grr kind of angst. I promise it's nicer.
Ryeowook didn’t really like coffee. He drank it mostly because with Siwon it was impossible not to drink it. Siwon drank the thing like it was water, washing down breakfast with a cup of dark coffee, two sugars, a dash of milk. He didn’t drink it like any other normal person, no, Siwon was in love with the stuff.
Frankly, Ryeowook had never found the thing very tasty. It looked like black goop to him, with milk it just looked like lighter goop. Tea was better for him because tea had a calming effect, something left over from the time they were in Super Junior. Ryeowook liked tea because it brought back memories of sitting up late, out in the balcony watching the stars. Tea reminded him of the time Yesung had a fit because there was no coffee in the dorm and no one had gone to buy any, until Yesung had finally snapped after a week of tea drinking. Tea reminded him of the time Hankyung helped him make some back when they were still all together, back when they had Super Girl and millions of fans.
Tea was a good thing because it reminded Ryeowook that not everything was lost. It reminded him that right now at this very moment, even though Super Junior was gone, disbanded, they were all together. They would always be together. It reminded Ryeowook of all the times he had sat with each and every one of the members, sat and talked, sat and laughed. Tea was Ryeowook’s thing and so he never understood coffee.
He had never understood coffee until the changes started.
***
Ryeowook knows that there is something wrong because Hankyung won’t look any of them in the face. There is something wrong because Heechul won’t let go of Hankyung, not even for a second as they run through their second Super Show. Heechul is being clingy, wrapping things around Hankyung’s neck, holding his hand, whispering things in his ear. They are being obvious, too obvious and Ryeowook knows that there is something wrong.
He knows what is wrong a few months later, in China, when they’re finishing up their last show. Ryeowook can’t wait to go home. He’s tired, drained. China has always done this to him, will probably always will and he marvels at how Hankyung can keep himself together for so long in a different country.
It comes as surprise or that’s what they’re told it has to be. They’ve known for weeks already that Hankyung is leaving, some of them didn’t know, but it was because they didn’t listen, didn’t want it to be real. Heechul is the perfect example. When Hankyung doesn’t come back with them, Heechul throws a fit.
They all have deal with the loss in different ways. Heechul is quiet, withdrawn. He cries more than he eats. It gets to the point where they have to drag him out of his room and into a doctor’s office. Ryeowook deals with his pain, alone, or tires to. He wants to sit alone and wonder and think, but he runs into Siwon.
Siwon is sitting on the balcony looking out at the sky, a cup of coffee in his hand. He is sitting there, eyes too far for Ryeowook to see what he sees. It occurs to Ryeowook then that Siwon and Hankyung were best friends, much too close for just simple band members. It occurs to him that maybe he doesn’t understand fully what it means to lose your brother, your lover. He isn’t like Heechul or Siwon and he doesn’t feel the same pain, but his own is there and he knows that he can’t let Siwon feel this alone.
Ryeowook sits down next to Siwon, a cup of coffee in his hand because that was all he found in the kitchen. He sits and leans against Siwon, leans closer when Siwon’s hand wraps around him. They say nothing because Ryeowook doesn’t know what to say. He wants to tell Siwon that it will be okay, that they will all be fine, but they’ve lost Kibum, Hankyung and are going to lose Kangin soon.
Nothing is okay and Ryeowook can’t bring himself to lie to Siwon, so he says something else instead.
“Why do you drink this stuff?” Ryeowook says frowning at his cup of coffee.
Siwon turns to him and when he sees the look on Ryeowook’s face, he laughs. “Why are you drinking it?”
Ryeowook shrugs turning away from the piercing gaze that has always sort of gotten to him. “I had nothing else to drink. It’s like all the tea disappeared.”
Siwon looks away and Ryeowook doesn’t know what he said until Siwon turns back to the sky. His big, brown eyes are sad again and his grip on his cup of coffee is so hard that his fingers are going white. There is an audible swallow and then there are silent tears running down Siwon’s face.
“Han Geng used to buy the tea. He always said you liked it.”
Ryeowook looks down at his own cup of coffee. It comes as a surprise to him, this piece of information. He never paid too much attention to who bought the tea. It was always just there. Ryeowook thinks that maybe he’s a lot more like Heechul than he originally thought and he vows then to get in contact with Hankyung again. He makes a promise that he will get the new number, whatever it may take, so that he can say thank you and so that he can see Siwon smile again.
“I always liked Han Geng hyung.” Ryeowook says.
“I loved him.” Is Siwon’s answer.
***
Ryeowook finds out that Siwon’s love for Hankyung might have gone beyond that of a brother one day when he is sitting on the balcony, another cup of coffee in his hand. They’ve been coming to the balcony to talk every night and Siwon always brings Ryeowook a cup of coffee. It’s funny, Siwon has told him, funny because Ryeowook doesn’t like it, but he drinks it anyway.
Siwon is sitting down on the balcony floor this time. When Ryeowook sits down Siwon leans into him and closes his eyes. Ryeowook takes the cup of coffee and drinks because this silence isn’t the one he’s used to. There are words waiting to be spoken, things that won’t be left unsaid.
“What is it Siwon?” Ryeowook asks after his second sip of coffee.
He hates the stuff, can’t stand it and doesn’t know why he’s still drinking it. It doesn’t occur to him then that the reason he keeps doing it is because Siwon keeps bringing him the same cup.
“I’m in love with him.”
Ryeowook blinks, swallows past the lump that seems to have lodged itself in his throat. He doesn’t get how it can hurt so much. He understands why it hurts, because he would be stupid not to know. Ryeowook knows that he is in love with Siwon. He knows because it happened over a cup of coffee, over many cups of coffee, happened because of these talks, the hugs, the smiles. It happened and Ryeowook understands this. He just doesn’t understand how after knowing, after preparing for this moment, doesn’t understand how it can feel this intense.
He can’t comprehend the intensity of the pain, the way his heart clenches and closes. He can’t comprehend the loss of air, the sudden boiling rage. After all, he is the one who has been here. He is the one who has held out the shoulder for Siwon to cry on. He was the one who got Hankyung’s number, who bribed the lawyer. He’s the one who makes the coffee every morning, the one who makes sure that Siwon has a cup ready when he comes over to see them. He is the one doing all the work and Hankyung gets the love.
“He’s with Heechul.” Ryeowook says even though he knows it’s the wrong thing to say.
“I know he is.”
Siwon’s voice is small, scared, almost afraid. It makes Ryeowook even angrier because Siwon has no right to be afraid. Siwon has no right to feel hurt. This is Ryeowook’s turn to be angry, to be sad. He is the one who has done all he could to make Siwon feel better, is the one who has kept what he feels a secret. He has done a good job at just being a friend, at just being Ryeowook, small and quiet. And he can’t stand Siwon who has always had what he wanted, can’t stand to see Siwon like this. It makes him angry because Ryeowook always thought that Siwon would be the one to hold him up when he needed it. The problem is now that he needs Siwon to hold him up Siwon can’t because it is Siwon who is pulling him down.
It is Siwon who makes Ryeowook’s heart close tight. It is Siwon who makes Ryeowook want to crawl over to his bed and sleep forever. It is Siwon who has him confused, pulls him two different ways. It is Siwon because Siwon needs him but Ryeowook can’t see him. He can’t because Siwon needs Ryeowook to comfort him, but Ryeowook can’t because this is when he needs Siwon. Except, of course, Siwon isn’t here for him. Siwon wants Hankyung and Ryeowook has to be a good friend, a good friend like always.
“I’m sorry.” Ryeowook says.
Siwon nods, head buried in Ryeowook’s shoulder. “I know.”
Ryeowook didn’t know that hearts were so weak because even now, with Siwon in his arms, he can feel the way his heart tears in two. He can feel it, the pain, the point from which the pain starts. He can feel it like he can feel physical pain and he supposes that this is one sort of pain, hearts can break and when they do, when they do, it hurts like nothing Ryeowook has ever expected.
***
Siwon’s way of coping is stupid. Ryeowook doesn’t understand how one man can be so dumb. He doesn’t understand what Siwon is thinking, can’t understand himself for what he feels. He knows this is stupid, knows that Siwon clinging to everyone is not helping things. He sees the way Siwon clings to Heechul mostly, the way Siwon follows Heechul.
Ryeowook doesn’t need Siwon to tell him why he does it. He can figure it out for himself and that is why he is surprised and angry at himself for making the cup of coffee. He is in the kitchen, mixing in the milk, the sugar. He stirs twice one way, twice the other, then he puts the spoon down. Siwon loves the way Ryeowook makes coffee.
Ryeowook hates him for it.
And still he walks to the balcony, holding the two cups because he hasn’t stopped drinking the stupid thing. He gives Siwon his cup and sits down on the chair they’ve moved out here. It’s only one so they share, Ryeowook sitting as close to the edge as he can, as far away from Siwon as possible.
“Why are you so far?” Siwon asks taking a slow sip from his cup, eyes closed, expression happy. “I love the way you make coffee.”
Ryeowook makes some sort of uncommitted noise and swallows half his cup of coffee in one go. He hates it, hates the way the thick liquid runs down his throat. He is so close to strangling Siwon too. He wants to yell at him, to shake him, to make him understand that the more he touches the others, the more Ryeowook hurts. He wants to cause Siwon at least a fraction of the pain he’s feeling, but he can’t.
He can’t because he is stupid, stupid because Siwon makes him stupid. He’s stupid because those big eyes have a way of wiping everything out of his head. He is stupid because he is completely in love with the big idiot who thinks he can love Hankyung.
“You shouldn’t go after Heechul.” Ryeowook whispers, somehow managing to keep his voice down to its usual level.
“I know, but I can’t help it. He’s the closest I will ever get to Han Geng.”
Ryeowook glares at his coffee cup. “They’re seeing each other. They see each other all the time. When Heechul says he’s going on vacation, he’s just going to see Hankyung. He is with Heechul. They’re together Siwon.”
“I know.” Siwon says. “I know, but I have to try Ryeowook. If I could just get to him. If I could then I know I stand a chance. It was me before Heechul. It was me but I was too stupid to realize it.”
It’s the hopeful tone in that voice, the way Siwon seems to have everything figured out that makes Ryeowook snap. He can’t be patient, can’t because he has no time for this. He has no time for Siwon’s stupid shit. He has always been patient, but pain, the pain he feels makes him angry. He is tired of watching Siwon. He is tired of the way the images flash in his head, Siwon with Donghae, Siwon with Eunhyuk, Siwon with Heechul, Siwon with Sungmin, Siwon with fucking everybody but him. Stupid Siwon and his way of letting go. It makes him angry and Ryeowook has never been the type to get angry. He doesn’t know what he is going to say, doesn’t know how this will work out, but he is not afraid to talk, not then.
“You are the biggest jerk I have ever met.” Ryeowook half yells. “Are you really that stupid? He doesn’t love you! He loves Heechul. Heechul! You’re too late you big idiot. You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and open your eyes! I love you! Fuck you Siwon, I love you!”
The silence Ryeowook expects. What he doesn’t expect is the wide eyes look from Siwon, the way those eyes look more sorry than anything. Ryeowook hates pity, has hated it from the moment he was born and he will hate it to his dying day. He can’t look at the pity in Siwon’s eyes.
“Ryeowook.” Siwon whispers. “Ryeowook, I’m sorry…”
“Fuck you.” Ryeowook says. “If you want him then go get him and stop being an idiot.”
Siwon goes. Siwon goes and Ryeowook sits back at the dorms and wonders why he is still hoping. He is still hoping a week later when Siwon still hasn’t called anyone. His hope turns into a ball of joy when he finds out that Hankyung is in Hawaii and not in China where Siwon went. Ryeowook hopes because maybe, just maybe, Siwon will come back.
He doesn’t.
He doesn’t come back until a week before Hankyung is supposed to go back to China. Ryeowook is sitting at the kitchen table looking at his stupid cup of coffee. Stupid muck. He can’t stop drinking it, not since Siwon sat on that balcony and not since Siwon left. It’s like coffee has become Ryeowook’s holder of memories. The black goop is a good reminder that Siwon doesn’t love him. The bitter taste is exactly like his heart, like the anger he feels. He might as well be his own brand of coffee he’s so bitter.
“Ryeowook.”
Ryeowook knows the voice but refuses to look up. He refuses to give in this time. He refuses because he has been trying so hard to rip Siwon out of his heart and he has been failing. He knows that as soon as he looks into Siwon’s eyes he will fall all over again. He knows and because he knows he doesn’t look up.
“Ryeowook.” Siwon calls again this time closer.
“What do you want?” Ryeowook asks staring at his black goop.
“Ryeowook-ah.” Siwon tries once more, his hand wrapping over Ryeowook’s, over the cup. “Ryeowook, I need to tell you something.”
Ryeowook looks up not sure what his face is telling Siwon, but Siwon keeps going, his eyes downcast, a tinge on pink on those cheeks. It would be endearing if Ryeowook weren’t so angry.
“I think I love you.”
Ryeowook gets up fully intending to leave. “I am not your toy Siwon. I don’t sit around waiting for you to get bored with your other toys. I won’t.”
He is not going to get his hopes up over a maybe. He won’t, not for anyone, not for Siwon. He is halfway out of the kitchen when Siwon catches him. It’s the wrist on his arm, the lips on his, the way Siwon seems to be saying that he’s not sure, but that he wants to try. It’s not really magical, not really eye opening and Ryeowook has had better kisses, but it’s a start and he thinks that maybe he can give Siwon a chance.
Maybe.
In the end he does because Ryeowook thinks he deserves to be as happy as Heechul and Hankyung and after a while as Zhou Mi and Kyuhyun. He knows that he deserves this and when the rough times come, the multiple lawsuits, the fights with their managers, when those times come, he has Siwon by his side, Siwon to help him along. And Ryeowook is not very adverse to coffee anymore because Siwon just seems to love the stuff and it does help settle the nerves the long nights before the appeals. They sue SM because people are people and they need respect.
When they win, all of them, not just one, when they all win, Siwon and Ryeowook move together, into a nice apartment. They move together and Heechul goes off to China for a couple of years. Zhou Mi and Kyuhyun split their time and see each other. They all make it work one way or another and Ryeowook is happy. Happy with Siwon.
***
“What are you thinking about Ryeowook?” Siwon asked pulling Ryeowook away from his thoughts.
“Nothing really.” Ryeowook answered looking out over the buildings at the setting sun.
They were together. He and Siwon, together in this room, in this apartment. After everything that had happened, after the lawsuits, the disbandment, the fights, the anger, after all of that they were together. They were together and their members were no longer just their members; they were family. They had made it, gone through hell and back, lied because they’d been paid to, but in the end they were together. Not just Ryeowook and Siwon, but everyone. Heechul and Hankyung. Zhou Mi and Kyuhyun .And the rest of them with families, little daughters and sons, wonderful wives.
“Do you ever wonder what would have happened if Hankyung hyung hadn’t sued SM?” Ryeowook asked as he watched a bird fly over the building in front of them.
“Yes, we all do.” Siwon said sitting down on the floor and pulling Ryeowook down with him. “We all wondered what would have happened at one point or another.”
“And what do you think would have happened to us if he hadn’t done it?”
“Ryeowook.”
Ryeowook knew that tone, recognized it from all the fighting. He knew that it was Siwon’s way of stopping an argument and while it would have just served to make him angry before, now it was like home. It was exactly what Ryeowook needed to hear, patience, love.
“I just want to know.” Ryeowook said turning so that he was looking at Siwon who had that coffee cup in his hand.
“You know as well as I do that if Hankyung hadn’t sued and won, the rest of us never would have done it. We would all still be under SM wondering what to do with ourselves. We wouldn’t even be friends anymore, I don’t think. Can you imagine how hard it would have been for all of us, to sit there, tired, drained, angrier each day because with each day that went by we lost more time from our lives?”
”You’ve grown up a lot since then Siwon.” Ryeowook commented leaning back into those strong arms.
“I have, but then so have you. We all have.”
Ryeowook nodded, the coffee cup right in front of him as Siwon sat with him. He could smell the hazelnut in the coffee. It was just one of the many different flavors that Siwon had insisted on buying. It was one of the many more to come because now that they were here, Ryeowook didn’t think he was going to let go.
“I’m tired.” Ryeowook said.
Siwon laughed, his arms tightening for a second around Ryeowook. “Let’s go to sleep then.”
Ryeowook nodded but didn’t move, the cup of coffee still in front of him, the smell still lingering in his nose. Coffee was Siwon’s thing, but maybe, if he gave it a shot, it could become Ryeowook’s too. After all, it may have been tea that brought him together with all the members, but it had been over a cup of coffee that he had fallen in love.
A/N: Shall fix this tomorrow I promise.
Pairing: Siwook (Siwon/Ryeowook) ninja!hanchul, ninja!qmi
Genre: angst, romance
Rating: PG (OMG LOOK PG!)
Summary: Ryeowook got to know them over cups of tea, but he fell in love over a cup of coffee...
Note: For
soju_drip because I know her pain and I feel for her and also because Siwook is just sort of addicting.A/N: One more for you all. And one last time. Bid on my thread to
help_japan . Anyway Kai here is some siwook for you because you are amazing and how can I deny you siwook? this is not the kill-siwon-make-ryeowook-an-alcoholic-grr kind of angst. I promise it's nicer.Ryeowook didn’t really like coffee. He drank it mostly because with Siwon it was impossible not to drink it. Siwon drank the thing like it was water, washing down breakfast with a cup of dark coffee, two sugars, a dash of milk. He didn’t drink it like any other normal person, no, Siwon was in love with the stuff.
Frankly, Ryeowook had never found the thing very tasty. It looked like black goop to him, with milk it just looked like lighter goop. Tea was better for him because tea had a calming effect, something left over from the time they were in Super Junior. Ryeowook liked tea because it brought back memories of sitting up late, out in the balcony watching the stars. Tea reminded him of the time Yesung had a fit because there was no coffee in the dorm and no one had gone to buy any, until Yesung had finally snapped after a week of tea drinking. Tea reminded him of the time Hankyung helped him make some back when they were still all together, back when they had Super Girl and millions of fans.
Tea was a good thing because it reminded Ryeowook that not everything was lost. It reminded him that right now at this very moment, even though Super Junior was gone, disbanded, they were all together. They would always be together. It reminded Ryeowook of all the times he had sat with each and every one of the members, sat and talked, sat and laughed. Tea was Ryeowook’s thing and so he never understood coffee.
He had never understood coffee until the changes started.
***
Ryeowook knows that there is something wrong because Hankyung won’t look any of them in the face. There is something wrong because Heechul won’t let go of Hankyung, not even for a second as they run through their second Super Show. Heechul is being clingy, wrapping things around Hankyung’s neck, holding his hand, whispering things in his ear. They are being obvious, too obvious and Ryeowook knows that there is something wrong.
He knows what is wrong a few months later, in China, when they’re finishing up their last show. Ryeowook can’t wait to go home. He’s tired, drained. China has always done this to him, will probably always will and he marvels at how Hankyung can keep himself together for so long in a different country.
It comes as surprise or that’s what they’re told it has to be. They’ve known for weeks already that Hankyung is leaving, some of them didn’t know, but it was because they didn’t listen, didn’t want it to be real. Heechul is the perfect example. When Hankyung doesn’t come back with them, Heechul throws a fit.
They all have deal with the loss in different ways. Heechul is quiet, withdrawn. He cries more than he eats. It gets to the point where they have to drag him out of his room and into a doctor’s office. Ryeowook deals with his pain, alone, or tires to. He wants to sit alone and wonder and think, but he runs into Siwon.
Siwon is sitting on the balcony looking out at the sky, a cup of coffee in his hand. He is sitting there, eyes too far for Ryeowook to see what he sees. It occurs to Ryeowook then that Siwon and Hankyung were best friends, much too close for just simple band members. It occurs to him that maybe he doesn’t understand fully what it means to lose your brother, your lover. He isn’t like Heechul or Siwon and he doesn’t feel the same pain, but his own is there and he knows that he can’t let Siwon feel this alone.
Ryeowook sits down next to Siwon, a cup of coffee in his hand because that was all he found in the kitchen. He sits and leans against Siwon, leans closer when Siwon’s hand wraps around him. They say nothing because Ryeowook doesn’t know what to say. He wants to tell Siwon that it will be okay, that they will all be fine, but they’ve lost Kibum, Hankyung and are going to lose Kangin soon.
Nothing is okay and Ryeowook can’t bring himself to lie to Siwon, so he says something else instead.
“Why do you drink this stuff?” Ryeowook says frowning at his cup of coffee.
Siwon turns to him and when he sees the look on Ryeowook’s face, he laughs. “Why are you drinking it?”
Ryeowook shrugs turning away from the piercing gaze that has always sort of gotten to him. “I had nothing else to drink. It’s like all the tea disappeared.”
Siwon looks away and Ryeowook doesn’t know what he said until Siwon turns back to the sky. His big, brown eyes are sad again and his grip on his cup of coffee is so hard that his fingers are going white. There is an audible swallow and then there are silent tears running down Siwon’s face.
“Han Geng used to buy the tea. He always said you liked it.”
Ryeowook looks down at his own cup of coffee. It comes as a surprise to him, this piece of information. He never paid too much attention to who bought the tea. It was always just there. Ryeowook thinks that maybe he’s a lot more like Heechul than he originally thought and he vows then to get in contact with Hankyung again. He makes a promise that he will get the new number, whatever it may take, so that he can say thank you and so that he can see Siwon smile again.
“I always liked Han Geng hyung.” Ryeowook says.
“I loved him.” Is Siwon’s answer.
***
Ryeowook finds out that Siwon’s love for Hankyung might have gone beyond that of a brother one day when he is sitting on the balcony, another cup of coffee in his hand. They’ve been coming to the balcony to talk every night and Siwon always brings Ryeowook a cup of coffee. It’s funny, Siwon has told him, funny because Ryeowook doesn’t like it, but he drinks it anyway.
Siwon is sitting down on the balcony floor this time. When Ryeowook sits down Siwon leans into him and closes his eyes. Ryeowook takes the cup of coffee and drinks because this silence isn’t the one he’s used to. There are words waiting to be spoken, things that won’t be left unsaid.
“What is it Siwon?” Ryeowook asks after his second sip of coffee.
He hates the stuff, can’t stand it and doesn’t know why he’s still drinking it. It doesn’t occur to him then that the reason he keeps doing it is because Siwon keeps bringing him the same cup.
“I’m in love with him.”
Ryeowook blinks, swallows past the lump that seems to have lodged itself in his throat. He doesn’t get how it can hurt so much. He understands why it hurts, because he would be stupid not to know. Ryeowook knows that he is in love with Siwon. He knows because it happened over a cup of coffee, over many cups of coffee, happened because of these talks, the hugs, the smiles. It happened and Ryeowook understands this. He just doesn’t understand how after knowing, after preparing for this moment, doesn’t understand how it can feel this intense.
He can’t comprehend the intensity of the pain, the way his heart clenches and closes. He can’t comprehend the loss of air, the sudden boiling rage. After all, he is the one who has been here. He is the one who has held out the shoulder for Siwon to cry on. He was the one who got Hankyung’s number, who bribed the lawyer. He’s the one who makes the coffee every morning, the one who makes sure that Siwon has a cup ready when he comes over to see them. He is the one doing all the work and Hankyung gets the love.
“He’s with Heechul.” Ryeowook says even though he knows it’s the wrong thing to say.
“I know he is.”
Siwon’s voice is small, scared, almost afraid. It makes Ryeowook even angrier because Siwon has no right to be afraid. Siwon has no right to feel hurt. This is Ryeowook’s turn to be angry, to be sad. He is the one who has done all he could to make Siwon feel better, is the one who has kept what he feels a secret. He has done a good job at just being a friend, at just being Ryeowook, small and quiet. And he can’t stand Siwon who has always had what he wanted, can’t stand to see Siwon like this. It makes him angry because Ryeowook always thought that Siwon would be the one to hold him up when he needed it. The problem is now that he needs Siwon to hold him up Siwon can’t because it is Siwon who is pulling him down.
It is Siwon who makes Ryeowook’s heart close tight. It is Siwon who makes Ryeowook want to crawl over to his bed and sleep forever. It is Siwon who has him confused, pulls him two different ways. It is Siwon because Siwon needs him but Ryeowook can’t see him. He can’t because Siwon needs Ryeowook to comfort him, but Ryeowook can’t because this is when he needs Siwon. Except, of course, Siwon isn’t here for him. Siwon wants Hankyung and Ryeowook has to be a good friend, a good friend like always.
“I’m sorry.” Ryeowook says.
Siwon nods, head buried in Ryeowook’s shoulder. “I know.”
Ryeowook didn’t know that hearts were so weak because even now, with Siwon in his arms, he can feel the way his heart tears in two. He can feel it, the pain, the point from which the pain starts. He can feel it like he can feel physical pain and he supposes that this is one sort of pain, hearts can break and when they do, when they do, it hurts like nothing Ryeowook has ever expected.
***
Siwon’s way of coping is stupid. Ryeowook doesn’t understand how one man can be so dumb. He doesn’t understand what Siwon is thinking, can’t understand himself for what he feels. He knows this is stupid, knows that Siwon clinging to everyone is not helping things. He sees the way Siwon clings to Heechul mostly, the way Siwon follows Heechul.
Ryeowook doesn’t need Siwon to tell him why he does it. He can figure it out for himself and that is why he is surprised and angry at himself for making the cup of coffee. He is in the kitchen, mixing in the milk, the sugar. He stirs twice one way, twice the other, then he puts the spoon down. Siwon loves the way Ryeowook makes coffee.
Ryeowook hates him for it.
And still he walks to the balcony, holding the two cups because he hasn’t stopped drinking the stupid thing. He gives Siwon his cup and sits down on the chair they’ve moved out here. It’s only one so they share, Ryeowook sitting as close to the edge as he can, as far away from Siwon as possible.
“Why are you so far?” Siwon asks taking a slow sip from his cup, eyes closed, expression happy. “I love the way you make coffee.”
Ryeowook makes some sort of uncommitted noise and swallows half his cup of coffee in one go. He hates it, hates the way the thick liquid runs down his throat. He is so close to strangling Siwon too. He wants to yell at him, to shake him, to make him understand that the more he touches the others, the more Ryeowook hurts. He wants to cause Siwon at least a fraction of the pain he’s feeling, but he can’t.
He can’t because he is stupid, stupid because Siwon makes him stupid. He’s stupid because those big eyes have a way of wiping everything out of his head. He is stupid because he is completely in love with the big idiot who thinks he can love Hankyung.
“You shouldn’t go after Heechul.” Ryeowook whispers, somehow managing to keep his voice down to its usual level.
“I know, but I can’t help it. He’s the closest I will ever get to Han Geng.”
Ryeowook glares at his coffee cup. “They’re seeing each other. They see each other all the time. When Heechul says he’s going on vacation, he’s just going to see Hankyung. He is with Heechul. They’re together Siwon.”
“I know.” Siwon says. “I know, but I have to try Ryeowook. If I could just get to him. If I could then I know I stand a chance. It was me before Heechul. It was me but I was too stupid to realize it.”
It’s the hopeful tone in that voice, the way Siwon seems to have everything figured out that makes Ryeowook snap. He can’t be patient, can’t because he has no time for this. He has no time for Siwon’s stupid shit. He has always been patient, but pain, the pain he feels makes him angry. He is tired of watching Siwon. He is tired of the way the images flash in his head, Siwon with Donghae, Siwon with Eunhyuk, Siwon with Heechul, Siwon with Sungmin, Siwon with fucking everybody but him. Stupid Siwon and his way of letting go. It makes him angry and Ryeowook has never been the type to get angry. He doesn’t know what he is going to say, doesn’t know how this will work out, but he is not afraid to talk, not then.
“You are the biggest jerk I have ever met.” Ryeowook half yells. “Are you really that stupid? He doesn’t love you! He loves Heechul. Heechul! You’re too late you big idiot. You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and open your eyes! I love you! Fuck you Siwon, I love you!”
The silence Ryeowook expects. What he doesn’t expect is the wide eyes look from Siwon, the way those eyes look more sorry than anything. Ryeowook hates pity, has hated it from the moment he was born and he will hate it to his dying day. He can’t look at the pity in Siwon’s eyes.
“Ryeowook.” Siwon whispers. “Ryeowook, I’m sorry…”
“Fuck you.” Ryeowook says. “If you want him then go get him and stop being an idiot.”
Siwon goes. Siwon goes and Ryeowook sits back at the dorms and wonders why he is still hoping. He is still hoping a week later when Siwon still hasn’t called anyone. His hope turns into a ball of joy when he finds out that Hankyung is in Hawaii and not in China where Siwon went. Ryeowook hopes because maybe, just maybe, Siwon will come back.
He doesn’t.
He doesn’t come back until a week before Hankyung is supposed to go back to China. Ryeowook is sitting at the kitchen table looking at his stupid cup of coffee. Stupid muck. He can’t stop drinking it, not since Siwon sat on that balcony and not since Siwon left. It’s like coffee has become Ryeowook’s holder of memories. The black goop is a good reminder that Siwon doesn’t love him. The bitter taste is exactly like his heart, like the anger he feels. He might as well be his own brand of coffee he’s so bitter.
“Ryeowook.”
Ryeowook knows the voice but refuses to look up. He refuses to give in this time. He refuses because he has been trying so hard to rip Siwon out of his heart and he has been failing. He knows that as soon as he looks into Siwon’s eyes he will fall all over again. He knows and because he knows he doesn’t look up.
“Ryeowook.” Siwon calls again this time closer.
“What do you want?” Ryeowook asks staring at his black goop.
“Ryeowook-ah.” Siwon tries once more, his hand wrapping over Ryeowook’s, over the cup. “Ryeowook, I need to tell you something.”
Ryeowook looks up not sure what his face is telling Siwon, but Siwon keeps going, his eyes downcast, a tinge on pink on those cheeks. It would be endearing if Ryeowook weren’t so angry.
“I think I love you.”
Ryeowook gets up fully intending to leave. “I am not your toy Siwon. I don’t sit around waiting for you to get bored with your other toys. I won’t.”
He is not going to get his hopes up over a maybe. He won’t, not for anyone, not for Siwon. He is halfway out of the kitchen when Siwon catches him. It’s the wrist on his arm, the lips on his, the way Siwon seems to be saying that he’s not sure, but that he wants to try. It’s not really magical, not really eye opening and Ryeowook has had better kisses, but it’s a start and he thinks that maybe he can give Siwon a chance.
Maybe.
In the end he does because Ryeowook thinks he deserves to be as happy as Heechul and Hankyung and after a while as Zhou Mi and Kyuhyun. He knows that he deserves this and when the rough times come, the multiple lawsuits, the fights with their managers, when those times come, he has Siwon by his side, Siwon to help him along. And Ryeowook is not very adverse to coffee anymore because Siwon just seems to love the stuff and it does help settle the nerves the long nights before the appeals. They sue SM because people are people and they need respect.
When they win, all of them, not just one, when they all win, Siwon and Ryeowook move together, into a nice apartment. They move together and Heechul goes off to China for a couple of years. Zhou Mi and Kyuhyun split their time and see each other. They all make it work one way or another and Ryeowook is happy. Happy with Siwon.
***
“What are you thinking about Ryeowook?” Siwon asked pulling Ryeowook away from his thoughts.
“Nothing really.” Ryeowook answered looking out over the buildings at the setting sun.
They were together. He and Siwon, together in this room, in this apartment. After everything that had happened, after the lawsuits, the disbandment, the fights, the anger, after all of that they were together. They were together and their members were no longer just their members; they were family. They had made it, gone through hell and back, lied because they’d been paid to, but in the end they were together. Not just Ryeowook and Siwon, but everyone. Heechul and Hankyung. Zhou Mi and Kyuhyun .And the rest of them with families, little daughters and sons, wonderful wives.
“Do you ever wonder what would have happened if Hankyung hyung hadn’t sued SM?” Ryeowook asked as he watched a bird fly over the building in front of them.
“Yes, we all do.” Siwon said sitting down on the floor and pulling Ryeowook down with him. “We all wondered what would have happened at one point or another.”
“And what do you think would have happened to us if he hadn’t done it?”
“Ryeowook.”
Ryeowook knew that tone, recognized it from all the fighting. He knew that it was Siwon’s way of stopping an argument and while it would have just served to make him angry before, now it was like home. It was exactly what Ryeowook needed to hear, patience, love.
“I just want to know.” Ryeowook said turning so that he was looking at Siwon who had that coffee cup in his hand.
“You know as well as I do that if Hankyung hadn’t sued and won, the rest of us never would have done it. We would all still be under SM wondering what to do with ourselves. We wouldn’t even be friends anymore, I don’t think. Can you imagine how hard it would have been for all of us, to sit there, tired, drained, angrier each day because with each day that went by we lost more time from our lives?”
”You’ve grown up a lot since then Siwon.” Ryeowook commented leaning back into those strong arms.
“I have, but then so have you. We all have.”
Ryeowook nodded, the coffee cup right in front of him as Siwon sat with him. He could smell the hazelnut in the coffee. It was just one of the many different flavors that Siwon had insisted on buying. It was one of the many more to come because now that they were here, Ryeowook didn’t think he was going to let go.
“I’m tired.” Ryeowook said.
Siwon laughed, his arms tightening for a second around Ryeowook. “Let’s go to sleep then.”
Ryeowook nodded but didn’t move, the cup of coffee still in front of him, the smell still lingering in his nose. Coffee was Siwon’s thing, but maybe, if he gave it a shot, it could become Ryeowook’s too. After all, it may have been tea that brought him together with all the members, but it had been over a cup of coffee that he had fallen in love.
A/N: Shall fix this tomorrow I promise.
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ANGST! ITS IN YOUR BLOOD!!
But trust I am NOT complaining! XD
I love this ending and maybe prefer it to the other one!! :p
*claps and jumps about* SIWOOOOKKKKK~ <3
HA! I'm so glad you've got into them... slowly I'm going to take over the fandom with my SiWook cadets :P
COME HERE YOU!! *pulls into a bear hug*
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yup. I wrote some siwook because there needs to be more of that in the world. I noticed the complete lack of the siwook when I was browsing through the communities. clearly there is something wrong.
and you can take over the fandom. I shall help you!!!
*glomps* <3333
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YESH YOU ARE NOW A FULLY FLEDGED SIWOOK CADET! *salutes*
Well not a complete lack!! I've been doing it for 2 years!!... granted, on my own xDD
The world is ours!! mwahahahahahah!!!
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this was so cute!! like, angsty and kinda depressing at first, but daww the eventual SiWook~ Siwon you dummy, didn't even notice poor little Wookie until you got tired of chasing HanChul... tsk tsk tsk...
ahh, there is just something lovely about SiWook, yes? <333
i'm tired. hopefully i'll comment better tomorrow, when this ShiHan isn't taking all my attention~~
<333333333333333
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Siwon is a sdummy *shakes head* but he had to come back eventually and I was all "must stop writing shihan, this is siwook" and eventually realized that there needed to be a separate shihan fic written. So I was doing that, then I passed out because I was tired and now I have a whole bunch of unfinished nonsense on my laptop D: I know. Siwook is just this very attractive pairing...just....it's weird....in a good way.
YOU ARE WRITING THE SHIHAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE SHIHAN!!!!!!!!!!!!! DDDDDDDDD: I. CANNOT. WAIT. SHIHAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! \0////
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*cough*biased*cough*
but yay, i look forward to reading it!
ahh...you're gonna prefer yours and auntie's version of what happened in China... ^^;
<333333333333333333333333
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well it's okay. I am okay with angsty shihan...so long as there is no angsty hanchul hanging in the corners...=\ yeah I am biased.
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no angsty HanChul~ blame the angst on the Chul...
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as long as there is no broken!hanchul then I am okay with that.
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I tried after I went and killed Siwon in my last siwook =\
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But you know my bias XD...
Get well soon! <333
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I know your bias and you know my bias so I get it =)
Thanks. I'll just sleep some more and drink warm tea cuz that's what the doctor said.
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And I love everything you write. How is that possible? What have you done to me?!
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And awww Thank You <3
I have taken your brain and magically altered it to love whatever nonsense I writeI have magical powersI don't know....?no subject
another lovely one! although I feel back for Ryeowookie and Siwon and dkjbjrghjhjkgrjh I see you there, HanChul! Even when they're background pairing they're still lovely.
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well don't start too early...the first ones I wrote were sort of =\ I've learned a lot about writing since then. But <3 thanks =)
Hanchul is everywhere. I swear those two can't seem to leave me alone...or I can't leave them alone...whatever it's hanchul =)
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I'm sad.
Somewhat, It reminds me that one day they will get disbanded and there will be no SJ anymore..... *sigh*
Don't know if I can handle that...
And Geng!!!! miss him soooooo........
;____________________;
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/hugs
there there I should start more fluff now! the next one shot is going to be humorous (hopefully)
JSDHJFLUAERHAKJ ;_; /cuddles geng
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I'm a little fluff-deprived right now....
now, sit and write! XDDDDD
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I'm a big huge Siwook fan! And I love SIhan and this is like the perfect mixture of it! 8D
soju_drip linked me and damn I love that she's having this fic exchange thingy so I can read all the Siwook she gets from ya all! XD
Your is definitely one of the best one I've read so far, I mean coffee! Love the stuff! ;D
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I die for my shihan and I like the siwook and so i put them both together! Thank you so much and I am so glad you liked it!
aww she's so sweet. yup, she is amazing. i wrote this one for her because the first one i wrote was sad and i killed her otp so I thought "let's make this one happier" and here we are!
Thank you so much again! <3
sdjhflajsk COFFEE IS AMAZING!!!
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this is SiWook & here you are throwing some depressing & super angsty SiHanChul here & there *needs to read some SiHanChul now*
how am I supposed to keep myself unbiased & focus on the SiWook???
& as if it wasn't enough, you do this too
He is tired of the way the images flash in his head, Siwon with Donghae, Siwon with Eunhyuk, Siwon with Heechul, Siwon with Sungmin, Siwon with fucking everybody but him.
>_< damn it! why is Wonnie so good & perfect with everyone? (though that makes him look like a dongsaeng/hyung whore but do I care?)
luckily for this fic, SiWook is no exception, I mean Wookie is so cute & lovable, it's almost impossible to resist the weird (in a nice way of course) SiWook
& yay for the "they lived happily ever after" ending, it feels good from time to time
\0/
let's celebrate the happy SiWook over a hot cup of coffee *hands you a cup*
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I KNOWWWW OMFG I KNOW WONNIE AND EVERYONE AND HE IS JUST SO WONDERFUL AND AMAZING AND PERFECT! AND HE LOOKS AMAZING WITH EVERYONE AND I LOVE HIM!!! who cares?????
lol yeah...I need more happy endings...
O: /takes coffee
I love you!!! <33333
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He might as well be his own brand of coffee he’s so bitter. This was my favorite line I think, haha. Wookie Coffee. I wouldn't drink it, because I don't like coffee either Wookie.
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<33333