static_abyss (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
static_abyss) wrote2011-03-09 03:22 pm
static_abyss) wrote2011-03-09 03:22 pm
Tears and Soju
Title: Tears and Soju
Pairing: siwook (Siwon/Ryeowook) side!hanchul, ninja!Shindong, ninja!Yesung
Genre: angst, au
Rating: R (CHARACTER DEATH. DON'T LIKE. DON'T READ.)
Summary: There was a time when Ryeowook was happy, when he thought that life might actually work for him. Now?Now, he just wishes it would be over.
Notes: For![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
soju_drip . OMFG I just killed your OTP
A/N: *hits the pause button* OMFG I CAN HEAR EVERYONE LAUGHING AT ME NOW. THE THINGS I DO FOR A HANCHUL FIC OTL. LEAVE ME ALONE. I NEED MY HANCHUL. Yeah, I wrote siwook because oddly enough they are slightly addicting. It was supposed to be a short one shot for Kai because she is writing me HANCHUL!!!!!! SDHJFAKWE OMFG I WORSHIP HER FOREVER FOR THAT!!!!! \0/ so in exchange I wrote her some Siwook since they're her OTP. Now, all I have to say is I AM NEVER WRITING AGAIN! NO! I AM NOT!!!!! *SOBS* 6,318 WORDS FOR AN OTP I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW EXISTED. OMFG NEVER AGAIN. I AM NEVER EVEN LOOKING AT MY STUPID LAPTOP AGAIN!! *dies* Anyway, I hope you like it Kai because really when it comes down to it, you're opinion matters the most since you wanted siwook.
He was fifteen when he first saw it, fifteen when he first realized that things might indeed work for him. Fucking fifteen when he got his first shot. It was like flying only better because you were walking, but you were flying too. It was like getting punched in the face except it didn’t hurt. It was fucking amazing, wonderful, liberation. Ryeowook needed it, wanted it. He knew it was wrong because even raised the way he was he knew it was wrong, but he needed it. He needed it like a drowning man needs to see land, needed it the way Heechul needed Hankyung, the way his father needed those drinks.
He knew it was wrong because once upon a time his father used to smile. Once upon a time his mother used to get up early in the mornings to make them breakfast, to pack their lunches, to send them off to school. Once upon a time there was no screaming. Once upon a time they had actually been family.
But that was then and this was now. Now, he was twelve years older. Now, he didn’t live at home anymore. Now, he worked two jobs to pay for those drinks he had to have. Now, Hankyung and Heechul were living together, were happy. Everyone was fucking happy but him.
There was a time when he had been happy too. A brief section between those twelve years when he thought that he might actually get somewhere, do something. There had been a time when he had hoped again. But, it was over. Over like everything else in his life, there one minute and out the window the next. And even so, even after all the pain, he couldn’t forget, didn’t want to forget.
***
It is dark and Ryeowook knows he should be home, back in his dorm, under the covers, earplugs in because Heechul was probably over again and things got loud when Heechul visited Hankyung. Ryeowook was in college because his mother had begged him to go. And since college was the best place to get drinks, he went.
He was late tonight because he was just getting out of this party, Yesung’s party. He’d been invited because of all the people in college, Yesung was the one who had seen him and known what it was that Ryeowook needed. Drinks. That’s what he went for because at least when he was drunk his life didn’t suck so much. When he was drunk he didn’t have remember that his father beat his mother, that his sister was pregnant, at sixteen, her life was over. When he was drunk he didn’t remember and so Ryeowook tried to stay drunk as long as possible.
He is on his way home, the streetlight casting enough glow to see by when he sees him. It’s just a passing glance, something so quick that when Ryeowook blinks it’s over. But, he knows he saw him because Ryeowook has never seen anyone as good looking in his life. He knows he saw him, knows it because his heart is hammering and his mind is out the window.
He can only think of how ridiculously gorgeous he looked. And before he knows it, he’s running, running after that man on that motorcycle. And it is dumb. It is ridiculous to think that he can maybe catch this man. He can’t, but Ryeowook is drunk and right now he thinks he can catch anybody.
He doesn’t and he ends up back in his dorm somehow. The noises from Hankyung’s bedroom lull him to sleep, probably because he’s drunk because he doubts that Heechul’s cries of “oh god” and “fuck yes” are what make him drowsy. And after that last cry of “faster” he knows it’s the alcohol. Although, Ryeowook has to hand it to Hankyung for finding the loudest bed partner in their college. Still, he’s tired and the noises mean he’s home, so before he knows it, he’s asleep.
The mornings after are always the worst. He wakes up with a headache, the side of his head feels like it’s going to cave in any second and he’s not in the best mood. Even the cup of black coffee that Hankyung hands to him does nothing to relieve his utter need to bang someone’s head in. He’s sick and tired and he has to go to classes. He takes a second to debate whether he should just stay in or go. In the end he does go because he hasn’t seen his professor's face in who knows how long.
Ryeowook is in a bad mood through the first ten minutes of the lecture. He gets the usual looks from the people around him, can hear the soft sighs from girls. Adorable they call him. Cute they say. Fuck it, if they knew what he was like they wouldn’t be calling him cute. Sure, his face is just ridiculous and the fact that he’s so slim doesn’t help at all, but they have no right to call him cute. None at all because he is not cute and his life just leaves no room for that.
He is just about to snap at the pair of girls next to him because really so early in the morning and with a hangover, he just doesn’t need their high pitched squealing. He doesn’t get to complain though because just as he is turning to tell them off the door to the lecture hall opens and the room goes quiet. There is a muffled apology from a deep voice and Ryeowook is interested. He turns around and fuck his life, but it’s him.
It’s the man from the motorcycle.
Ryeowook looks him up and down, eyes trained on those tight pants, that white shirt and that smile. Dimples. Ryeowook thinks that maybe he just found a new kink. He wants to see what would happen if he were to run his tongue over those wonderful dents in that man’s cheeks. He doesn’t realize he’s staring until the man’s eyes meet his and that smile is now directed at him. Ryeowook blinks, shrugs and turns away. Never mind that his heart is racing and he feels even more light headed. Never mind that whoever that is looks perfect dolled up in those clothes. Never mind that Ryeowook is imagining himself on his back, nails digging into those shoulders. Just never mind.
“I’m sorry.” The same deep voice says right beside him. “Is anyone sitting here?”
Ryeowook looks up. It is too fucking early for this. “Nope. No one.”
The man smiles and takes a seat, pulling out his notebook and pens. Siwon, the notebook says, not that Ryeowook is looking or anything.
“My name is Siwon.” The man says turning to him. “I’m a sophomore. What’s your name?”
Ryeowook wants to laugh. They are not in kinder garden and they don’t need this crap, but he takes the hand that Siwon offers him and shakes it anyway.
“I’m Ryeowook.” He says
It turns out the Siwon is not at all like Ryeowook expected. Siwon is funny, loves to touch and has this ridiculous endearing habit of moving his hands way too much. Hand gestures. That’s the first way Ryeowook learns to describe Siwon. Love and purpose are next, but they come much later.
At the moment Ryeowook just knows that Siwon talks to him and asks him questions and it’s so easy to tell him everything. He tells Siwon about his parents one day while they’re having lunch. He ends up crying through most of it but at least it’s out there. He lets it all go and Siwon dries his tears.
It’s strange how one man can change a person. Ryeowook finds himself looking forward to class because he gets to see Siwon. Of course he isn’t Siwon’s only friend. Siwon knows Hankyung too. They’ve known each other for years and Hankyung has that advantage over Ryeowook.
Ryeowook watches the way Siwon walks with one arm around Hankyung. The two of them are laughing, leaning into each other. They look so fucking perfect that Ryeowook wants to punch Hankyung’s face in. Two days later, however, he walks into his dorm to find Heechul on Hankyung’s lap, the two of them tangled so close together that there is no way for Ryeowook to see between them. Ryeowook smiles and walks back out because he just remembered that Hankyung is with Heechul and he suddenly feels like going to class.
He skips off to class happier than he has ever been and sits down next to Siwon.
“Hello.” Siwon smiles putting an arm around Ryeowook’s shoulders.
Ryeowook grins and is glad that Siwon is this touchy with everyone. “Hello Siwon. How are you?”
“I’m fine. What has you so happy?”
Ryeowook shrugs. “I’m just happy for Hankyung and Heechul hyungs. They’re together you know.”
“I know. They make a nice couple. But, you know who else makes a good couple?”
Ryeowook looks up so fast he thinks he might have pulled a neck muscle. Siwon’s face is so close to his when he does and it’s all he can do to breathe properly.
“Who?” He whispers.
Siwon winks. “We would of course.”
Ryeowook thinks he died and went to heaven but fuck if he would ever admit it. He leans back into Siwon’s hug and shakes his head.
“Why would I ever want to date you?”
Siwon smiles slow and it can almost be called seductive. “Come have a cup of coffee with me after class and I’ll show you why.”
Ryeowook goes to have coffee with Siwon and he realizes that yes, maybe they do make a good couple. There is just something about the way Siwon talks—hands moving along as he expresses himself—that has Ryeowook captivated. There is something about those dimples when he laughs, that carefree laugh as if there was nothing in the world to worry about. Ryeowook thinks that maybe he can lose himself in that laugh.
***
Ryeowook has never been one to give up what he wants for others. He was never taught how to do that. At home, it was everyone for themselves and he has built a wall around him so that no one can get in. Siwon is working wonders at breaking down that wall and that’s why Ryeowook ends up at another one of Yesung’s parties, drinking until he can’t tell red from blue.
He doesn’t know how Siwon finds him, probably Hankyung, but it doesn’t matter because just as he is about to take another drink, Siwon is there and pulling him outside. Ryeowook’s head hurts but he can make out the words that Siwon is saying. Something about “killing you” and “early grave.” Ryeowook laughs and follows Siwon back to the dorms. Hankyung and Siwon have switched because one day Heechul decided that he didn’t want to dorm with Siwon. Ryeowook doesn’t mind the current living arrangements because he can be with Siwon.
They go home and Siwon puts him down on the couch. Ryeowook can’t tell up from down and he doesn’t understand why Siwon is so upset. There are actual tears running down Siwon’s face and Ryeowook is confused.
“What’s wrong?” he slurs sure that there is no way Siwon can understand him.
Siwon looks at him, eyes wide. “Ryeowook I love you.”
Ryeowook looks at him and then he’s crying because it just so fucking easy with Siwon. He’s sobbing because no one loves him, but Siwon says he does. He’s crying because Siwon’s arms feel so good around him. He’s crying because he is afraid.
“Don’t do it anymore.” Siwon murmurs as he calms Ryeowook down. “Don’t hurt yourself anymore.”
Ryeowook goes to sleep in Siwon’s arms that night. The next morning he is up and his head hurts. He smells coffee and just the smell alone makes him want to throw up. He doesn’t understand why everyone insists on feeding him that horrid stuff.
When he walks into the kitchen Siwon has two cups on the table. He hands one to Ryeowook.
“My secret addiction.” Siwon says. “The other one is you.”
Ryeowook blushes for the first time in his life and curses Siwon for it. He gets up, pours the disgusting goop down the sink and shakes his head.
“That was so cheesy even you don’t know what to do with yourself.”
Siwon laughs and kisses the side of his face. “I love you Ryeowook.”
Ryeowook sighs and signs up for therapy.
***
It’s so hard.
There’s pain and hunger and this craving that makes him shake. His hands can’t hold anything, his body hurts. He aches physically for that taste of liquor down his throat. He wants it so bad that he can’t see straight. Just one drink, one cool, wonderful, drink, alcohol sliding down his throat, burning as it marks its path to his stomach. Amber liquid. He wants it.
He’s shaking, curled up into a ball when Siwon comes to the dorm. Siwon says nothing, just picks him up and Ryeowook shakes against him, dry sobs racking his body. It hurts so much and he wants out. He wants that drink so bad it’s almost like he can’t breathe. Just one swallow, just one.
“Help.” He gasps fingers digging into Siwon’s shoulder.
“How?” Siwon asks pulling Ryeowook onto his lap, arms holding him close. “How do I help?”
Ryeowook says nothing just kisses him, lips hard, teeth sharp. He’s pulling at Siwon’s shirt, fingers desperate. Siwon catches on quickly and has Ryeowook pinned under him in a second. They work together to get the clothes out of the way and then Ryeowook flips them over.
He sits up and takes Siwon’s hands guiding them to his hips. “Press hard.”
Siwon swallows but nods.
“Harder.” Ryeowook says when Siwon’s fingers aren’t enough to bring him back.
He gasps as Siwon’s fingers dig into his hips. He impales himself on Siwon, raw and it hurts. It hurts but the burn is good. It brings him back to reality. It makes him forget the other ache in him. It’s all about Siwon and as long as he keeps moving there is no room for anything else.
“Fuck. Yes.” He chokes out finally understanding why Heechul makes so much noise.
It almost breaks them, Ryeowook’s therapy. They do more fucking than talking, but Ryeowook needs it. He needs it because it is only Siwon that is keeping him alive, only Siwon that makes him get up in the morning. It is just Siwon and Ryeowook needs him. It’s like he’s replacing his addiction with Siwon. And this might not be a good thing because he can’t get addicted to Siwon. But, between two evils he goes for the lesser one.
***
Ryeowook sighs looking up from the drink in front of him. Who knew that one day Siwon would just go? Who knew that what they had wasn’t going to last forever?
He knows it wasn’t entirely his fault, but it wasn’t entirely Siwon’s either. They were together three years before Siwon decided that he wanted to go study in China. Ryeowook wanted to believe that Siwon would come back, wanted to believe it the way Heechul believed that Hankyung would come back. The difference between him and Heechul was that Hankyung had come back and Siwon hadn’t.
It had been six years since the time they were last together. They ended in an argument, words Ryeowook didn’t mean spat out in his anger. He hadn’t understood and now Siwon was gone and he had no clue if he was ever coming back. It had been two years since Hankyung had come back and Ryeowook hadn’t mustered up the courage to ask Hankyung about Siwon yet. Hankyung being Hankyung hadn’t anything either.
Heechul and Hankyung worry about him. They visit often, invite him over, but Ryeowook tries to stay away from them as much as he can. When he is with them he can’t drink and it is only the alcohol that is keeping him sane at this point. His heart aches with memories and it is only in the dark amber liquid that he can find some sort of peace. They were too clear sometimes, those memories. Memories of Siwon and him walking together, hands together, fingers laced. Memories of him and Siwon sitting at cafés sipping drinks, coffee for Siwon, tea for him. There were memories of his dark room, roaming hands, pants by his ear, hisses of pleasure. Memory after memory after memory and Ryeowook is sick of them.
Ryeowook finishes off his drink and gets up to leave. He isn’t drunk yet, but he’s slightly put off by all the memories. He keeps remembering how he promised Siwon that he wouldn’t drink anymore, how he was going to be good. He promised but Siwon promised to come back and sometimes people don’t keep promises. Still, Ryeowook doesn’t want to drink anymore. He leaves the bar and heads home, walking to the train station because he sold his car, but he can’t remember why.
He punches the numbers on his door lock. Siwon’s birthday. He lets himself in knowing that it’s stupid, but no one knows that’s what those numbers are but him. He closes the door behind him, easing off his shoes and just as he is about to go to his room he sees him.
Standing in the kitchen, wearing the same clothes Ryeowook had seen him in last, there is Siwon. He looks exactly the way Ryeowook remembers and he doesn’t think, doesn’t bother to ask how is it that Siwon is here, because he’s running. He throws himself at Siwon who catches him in his arms. Ryeowook wraps his arms around Siwon and then he’s kissing him, tears flowing down both their cheeks.
“I love you. I love you. I love you.” Ryeowook says over and over, his words muffled between Siwon’s lips.
He’s here. He’s real and Ryeowook is shaking. Those strong arms feel so good around him. Ryeowook doesn’t ask questions. He just laughs and cries and touches Siwon until he convinces himself that this is real. They go to sleep together that night and Ryeowook doesn’t want to know what happened. He just wants to know that Siwon is back.
They end up going to Hankyung’s palace the next day because Ryeowook knows that Hankyung would like to see Siwon. They are close friends after all and Ryeowook is just so happy he can’t even walk straight. It takes him twice as long to put on his clothes that morning, but when he finally gets it right, Siwon is there waiting for him. He takes Ryeowook’s hand and they walk together, hand in hand, ignoring everyone around them. Ryeowook is chatting, telling Siwon about what changed and what didn’t. They are attracting strange looks, but Ryeowook doesn’t care. Siwon is here and who cares what anyone else thinks.
They stop by the florist to look at flowers because Ryeowook just remembered that he loves flowers. It seems he is remembering a lot now that Siwon is here. They look at the flowers and Ryeowook catches the florist looking at him with this sort of scared look in her eyes. Ryeowook frowns and opens his mouth to say something poetic about love, but Siwon is pulling on his hand and smiling at him. Ryeowook says nothing and walks out.
“You should have let me say something.” Ryeowook complains but Siwon just smiles, dimples pronounced and pulls him along.
They take the stairs when they get to Hankyung’s place and Ryeowook tells Siwon about how Heechul and Hankyung are living together. He gets a smile as a response and is completely content as he knocks on Hankyung’s door.
“Ryeowook.” Hankyung says when he opens the door.
“Hyung,” Ryeowook says barging into Hankyung’s apartment. “Hyung, look who I found.”
Hankyung stares at him. “Who?”
Ryeowook takes Siwon’s hand and pulls him in. “It’s Siwon.”
Hankyung looks at him, eyes soft and gentle. “Oh Ryeowook-ah.”
Ryeowook lets Hankyung take his free hand and lead him to the living room. He takes a seat on the couch pulling Siwon down next to him.
“Do you want anything to drink?” Hankyung asks, again that voice is too soft, too gentle.
Ryeowook frowns but Siwon is next to him smiling and he can’t seem to care too much. “I’ll have some water. What do you want Siwon?”
Siwon shifts to look at him, eyes soft and Ryeowook can see that Siwon is proud of him, proud because Ryeowook said water and not soju. And Ryeowook really doesn’t need to ask what Siwon wants because Siwon always wants the same thing.
“Siwon will take coffee.”
Hankyung’s smile is soft, almost sad as he walks off into the kitchen. Ryeowook ignores it, even though there is something prickling at the back of his neck, but he’ll deal with that later. He turns back to Siwon, smile wide as he leans his head on those broad shoulders. He inhales and there is the scent that is so very Siwon, that musky smell, so wonderful, so full of home. Siwon reaches out, twining their fingers together, and Ryeowook smiles. It’s so foreign, all these smiles on his face, but he likes them. He likes them because it is Siwon who pulls them out of him.
He snuggles closer to Siwon, letting himself go. With Siwon he can be like this, can be soft and vulnerable, can be that cutesy kind of guy he was when he was real young, because Siwon will never hurt him. Siwon loves him. Siwon loves him even after all the things Ryeowook has done to him, loves him even the way he is. Siwon loves him and for Siwon Ryeowook would do anything.
“Wookie?” Hankyung calls coming back in.
Ryeowook looks at him from Siwon’s shoulder. “Yes hyung?”
Hankyung frowns, worry lines on his face, as he comes to sit on the coffee table in front of Ryeowook. He takes Ryeowook’s face in his hands and pulls him closer so that they’re looking at each other.
“Did you take your pills this morning?”
Ryeowook frowns. Pills? He has no clue what Hankyung is talking about but he nods because he figures that will get him out of this and back into Siwon’s arms the fastest.
“Who am I?” Hankyung asks.
Ryeowook frowns. “What are you talking about?”
“Humor me Wookie.” Hankyung says, eyes furrowed, expression serious. “Who am I?”
“You’re Hankyung hyung.” Ryeowook says wondering if Heechul has finally driven Hankyung insane.
“That’s right baby.” Hankyung murmurs. “And where are we?”
“Hyung…” Ryeowook says wondering where this is all coming from, but he answers because there is something in Hankyung’s eyes that scares him. “We’re in yours and Heechul hyung’s apartment.”
“Right. And what about you? Where do you live? What do you do?”
“I work two jobs.” Ryeowook says wincing as he remembers why, but Siwon gives his hand a light squeeze and it’s okay. “I…I have my own apartment and I live there alone. But, not anymore hyung. Siwon’s back. Remember how I told you we had that fight? He came back! We’re not fighting anymore.”
“Wookie.” Hankyung says sitting down next to him and pulling him close.
Ryeowook blinks because Hankyung is sitting where Siwon was a few seconds ago. There’s obviously no one there now, but then…
“Ryeowook, I need you to come with me. We’re going to go to the hospital.”
Ryeowook shakes his head. “Why hyung? Are you sick?”
Hankyung looks at him through tear filled eyes and something clenches around Ryeowook’s heart. “Hyung, what is it?”
“It’s nothing.” Hankyung says.
“Tell me.”
Hankyung looks at him, eyes brimming over and Ryeowook doesn’t understand why. “Ryeowook, Siwon…”
“What about Siwon?” Ryeowook asks not knowing why he’s panicking.
“Siwon is dead.” Hankyung says his voice so quiet that Ryeowook almost misses it.
Ryeowook laughs. “Of course Siwon isn’t dead hyung. What are you talking about? He came here with me.”
Hankyung says nothing, just pulls Ryeowook into a hug so tight he can barely breathe. When Ryeowook looks up Siwon is there by the door. His big, brown eyes are gentle as they look into Ryeowook’s. The smile on Siwon’s face is sad, like he can’t bear to walk away, but knows he has to. Ryeowook wants to reach out, call out, touch him, pull him close. He wants something, but he can’t because Hankyung is holding him and telling him that Siwon is dead.
There is a second where the world pauses, where it’s just Ryeowook and Siwon, where even Hankyung is gone. There is a second where Ryeowook feels Siwon’s hand in his, like a pull, so addicting, just that feel. He has always been addicted to the feel of Siwon’s hand in his. There is that moment where everything melts away and Ryeowook is looking up at Siwon. They look at each other and Ryeowook knows this is real has to be real. Siwon is here. Siwon isn’t dead.
“I’m sorry.”
Ryeowook can hear the words almost as if they’re spoken into his ear. They’re soft, gentle and so very caring. He hears them again and again and then he’s sobbing, his heart feeling like it’s going to fall out of his chest because he remembers.
He remembers everything.
***
”Ryeowook, please.” Siwon calls, but Ryeowook ignores him.
He walks off, anger burning through him, hot. He makes his way over to his car because he really doesn’t want to hear Siwon’s explanation for why he’s leaving. If China is such a fucking good opportunity, if China is so much better than being together, then fine. Siwon should just say that he wants to get away from Ryeowook so that he can fuck Hankyung. Then again, that’s not fair and Ryeowook knows it. Hankyung is having enough trouble already because going back to China means that he has to leave Heechul.
But, Ryeowook is angry and it helps if he thinks that Siwon is leaving for that reason. It helps because if Siwon were leaving to fuck other people, then Ryeowook wouldn’t feel guilty for hating him. It’s the fact that he knows that Siwon needs to go that has him worked up. China is a wonderful experience and will do wonderful things for Siwon. China is where Siwon needs to be and it’s not forever. He knows that, but at the same time it hurts. It’s like someone took a white hot knife and plunged it into his heart.
Siwon is leaving.
Ryeowook has gone exactly two days without Siwon since they met. Two days. And now he has to go four years without seeing the other man. Four long years in which he is going to be alone, wondering, thinking, guessing. What if Siwon finds someone else? Siwon is good looking enough to have whoever he wants. Girls and guys will pile up on him and Ryeowook knows that four years are a long time.
Four years.
He gets into his car because he knows that if Siwon touches him, he will lose it. His tears are already falling, leaving wet trails down his cheeks. It’s all Siwon’s fault. Ever since he met the guy Ryeowook has become a mess. He cries over everything, little things that have no meaning make him sob like a baby. But, it feels so good. He has never felt so free.
He gets into the car and pulls off without bothering to listen to what Siwon is saying. He doesn’t drive fast and he has his seat belt on too because Siwon has turned him into a fucking baby. Ryeowook drives, his hands and feet knowing where to take him. He ends up at his old favorite bar and the bar tender, Shindong, frowns when he sees him.
“Ryeowook-ah, I thought you quit drinking.”
“I did.” Ryeowook says. “I just need something to calm my nerves.”
Shindong frowns again but goes to get him a drink. Ryeowook reaches into his pocket pulls out all the money he is carrying and lays it on the bar. When Shindong comes back he hands over the money.
“Give me all the drinks that will buy and when I run out of money kick me out.”
Shindong looks at the wads in his hand and sighs. “Jesus, Ryeowook, do you want to end up at the hospital?. There is no way you can drink all of this.”
Ryeowook rolls his eyes because, yes, he can drink all of that and more probably. He may be out of practice after three years of being sober, but he knows he can handle it.
“Just do it.” he says downing the drink in one go.
It burns going down his throat, the alcohol soothing his nerves. It burns so good like Siwon’s hands on his hips and Siwon inside him. It feels like heaven only better because he’s had Siwon moving in him, against him, hissing words into his ear and that is true heaven.
Shindong replaces his empty glass with a new one and Ryeowook looks at it. He sees Siwon’s face and that gorgeous smile, those dimples clear and bright on his cheeks. He sees Siwon shaking his head, tears glistening in those eyes. He sees Siwon going after him, pleading, wanting Ryeowook to understand. And he sees himself shaking his head, angry, pulling away and leaving. He sees all the times Siwon was there for him, pulling him close, singing him to sleep even though he insisted that his voice was awful. He sees Siwon’s eyes shining with pride as he makes his one year anniversary of being sober. He sees Siwon.
And just like that he can’t do it.
He looks at the glass in front of him, at tan liquid inside and he pushes it away. “I’m sorry Shindong. I don’t think I want this anymore.”
There is fierce pride in Shindong’s eyes and it reminds Ryeowook that he should be at home with Siwon. He should be there making the most of their last moments together. Yes, Siwon has to go and Ryeowook doesn’t want him to, but it’s not forever. Siwon will come back. Ryeowook knows this. Siwon has to come back because Siwon loves him. And he can wait. He can always wait and visit when he makes enough money. He can take up two jobs if he needs to, but they can do this. They can because Ryeowook loves Siwon and Ryeowook knows Siwon loves him.
“Go home Ryeowook and tell whoever is waiting for you that they did a good job.”
Ryeowook smiles at Shindong and refuses the money that Shindong tries to give him back.
“Take it.” Ryeowook says. “I don’t think I can use it, not after what I was going to use it for.”
Shindong nods and doesn’t press and Ryeowook thinks that maybe there is someone else besides Siwon who understands him. He smiles at Shindong and leaves. The cool night air hits his face and he takes a deep breath. It is wonderful and clean and he feels so light and free. He can do this. If he refused the urge to drown his sorrows in alcohol then he can do anything. He can go home and throw Siwon down on the bed and tell him how much he loves him. He can learn to live and move on because if Heechul and Hankyung can do it then so can he and Siwon.
He’s driving back home, seat belt on like Siwon says it should be and his eyes are on the road. He isn’t speeding, but he isn’t crawling along either. The highway is practically deserted as it should be at this hour and Ryeowook is relaxed. He is going to go home and hug Siwon and kiss him until both their tears are dry and then he’s going to do what he should have done in the first place.
It is the small animal running out in front of him that catches him off guard. He swerves to avoid hitting it because it’s too late to step on the breaks. The problem is there is someone coming from the other side and even though his car barely brushes against the smooth surface of the motorcycle, it goes flying. Ryeowook steps on the brakes, parks his car and is out and running. He recognizes the dark, smooth surface of the bike a good five meters away. He recognizes the dark helmet on the person’s head.
“Siwon.” He calls running over.
There is no answer as he reaches Siwon. His body is limp when Ryeowook flips him over. He muffles his gasp against his hand when he sees the left side of Siwon’s face. It’s all he can do to keep back the sobs. His hands are shaking as he pulls out his cellphones and dials 911. He doesn’t know what he says but apparently he’s understood because they tell him to stay where he’s at. Ryeowook closes the phone and takes Siwon into his lap.
His hands are shaking so hard that even Siwon’s body is shaking. He doesn’t know what to do, what to say. It’s like someone hit the mute button because there are so many things he wants to say and none of them will come out. This isn’t happening to them, not to them. This kind of thing only happens in movies, in dramas. It never happens to real people.
Except it does.
They take Siwon to the hospital. They take Ryeowook too. Hankyung and Heechul show up an hour later and it’s only when Hankyung comes into Siwon’s room that he loses it. He’s sobbing into Hankyung’s shoulder, feeling the drops from Hankyung’s eyes on his cheek. He can’t bear to look at Siwon, but he can’t leave either. He wants Hankyung to stay and at the same time he wants to be alone. He doesn’t know what to do, what to say, how to make it better.
Siwon is lying on a hospital bed, the left side of his beautiful face ruined and it’s all Ryeowook’s fault. The doctors tell him them that even if Siwon makes it out alive he’s probably not walking again and there will be a scar on the left side of his face forever. The three of them cry when they hear the news, but no one cries as hard as Ryeowook. No one does because Hankyung has Heechul to hold him up and Heechul has Hankyung. Ryeowook has the man lying in the hospital bed because of him.
It occurs to Ryeowook that Siwon is an only child and he can’t be there when his parents come in. He leaves and knows that Siwon will understand. He comes back every day hoping for some news. He can’t look at Siwon’s mother in the face, even though no one has told her who it was that hit Siwon. He can’t bear her sympathy, her pleading eyes. He can’t look at her and so he avoids her, going to see Siwon only when she’s not there.
They call him on the fifth day, Hankyung does. Siwon is awake and asking for him. Ryeowook drops everything he is doing and rushes over to the hospital, taking the train because he’s sold his car. When he gets there Siwon is just lying in bed, no longer connected to anything. His face is pale and he looks so small, shrunken into himself. Ryeowook knows what is happening but still he refuses to believe it.
He walks over to the bed and takes Siwon’s hands.
“I’m so sorry.” He says and then he’s crying.
Siwon is crying with him but he takes Ryeowook’s hand and tugs so that Ryeowook has no choice but to lean down. Siwon’s lips are on his and then they’re kissing and it’s scared. They’re both scared.
“I’m sorry,” Siwon says, “I am so sorry.”
Three days later Ryeowook gets the phone call.
They bury Siwon and hold a mass in his honor. There are people who talk about him, about his smile, his face, his wonderful personality. They talk and when it’s Ryeowook’s turn to go up, he looks at them all. He looks at the casket and he sighs.
“I loved him.” he says and the past tense kills him.
***
Ryeowook is shaking in Hankyung’s arms. His heart is at his throat and he can’t breathe. He looks at the door where Siwon is standing and he sees the tears in those eyes. He killed Siwon. He was the one who ran him over, the reason Siwon hasn’t come back to him.
He chokes on a sob and digs his fingers into Hankyung. He needs something to ground him. Something, anything because he remembers. He remembers drinking so much he ends up at the hospital. He remembers going to the therapy session, Hankyung and Heechul dragging him there. He remembers the medication they gave him. To forget they said. And Ryeowook hadn’t wanted to forget. He remembers throwing the pills down the sink, shirking appointments.
He remembers.
He looks up again and Siwon is there in front of him except he isn’t real. Ryeowook looks into those eyes and feels the tears on his. He wants this Siwon to be real. He wants it so bad it hurts. But, it isn’t real. This isn’t Siwon.
“I love you.”
The words echo in his head and he feels his world crashing down around him. Even after everything he did Siwon still loved him.
“Siwon.” Ryeowook gasps. “Siwon, I love you.”
There is a moment where they look at each other and then Siwon smiles. Ryeowook’s tears blur his vision and when he dries them Siwon is gone.
A/N: Andi says I can't stop writing. ;_;
Pairing: siwook (Siwon/Ryeowook) side!hanchul, ninja!Shindong, ninja!Yesung
Genre: angst, au
Rating: R (CHARACTER DEATH. DON'T LIKE. DON'T READ.)
Summary: There was a time when Ryeowook was happy, when he thought that life might actually work for him. Now?Now, he just wishes it would be over.
Notes: For
soju_drip . OMFG I just killed your OTP A/N: *hits the pause button* OMFG I CAN HEAR EVERYONE LAUGHING AT ME NOW. THE THINGS I DO FOR A HANCHUL FIC OTL. LEAVE ME ALONE. I NEED MY HANCHUL. Yeah, I wrote siwook because oddly enough they are slightly addicting. It was supposed to be a short one shot for Kai because she is writing me HANCHUL!!!!!! SDHJFAKWE OMFG I WORSHIP HER FOREVER FOR THAT!!!!! \0/ so in exchange I wrote her some Siwook since they're her OTP. Now, all I have to say is I AM NEVER WRITING AGAIN! NO! I AM NOT!!!!! *SOBS* 6,318 WORDS FOR AN OTP I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW EXISTED. OMFG NEVER AGAIN. I AM NEVER EVEN LOOKING AT MY STUPID LAPTOP AGAIN!! *dies* Anyway, I hope you like it Kai because really when it comes down to it, you're opinion matters the most since you wanted siwook.
He was fifteen when he first saw it, fifteen when he first realized that things might indeed work for him. Fucking fifteen when he got his first shot. It was like flying only better because you were walking, but you were flying too. It was like getting punched in the face except it didn’t hurt. It was fucking amazing, wonderful, liberation. Ryeowook needed it, wanted it. He knew it was wrong because even raised the way he was he knew it was wrong, but he needed it. He needed it like a drowning man needs to see land, needed it the way Heechul needed Hankyung, the way his father needed those drinks.
He knew it was wrong because once upon a time his father used to smile. Once upon a time his mother used to get up early in the mornings to make them breakfast, to pack their lunches, to send them off to school. Once upon a time there was no screaming. Once upon a time they had actually been family.
But that was then and this was now. Now, he was twelve years older. Now, he didn’t live at home anymore. Now, he worked two jobs to pay for those drinks he had to have. Now, Hankyung and Heechul were living together, were happy. Everyone was fucking happy but him.
There was a time when he had been happy too. A brief section between those twelve years when he thought that he might actually get somewhere, do something. There had been a time when he had hoped again. But, it was over. Over like everything else in his life, there one minute and out the window the next. And even so, even after all the pain, he couldn’t forget, didn’t want to forget.
***
It is dark and Ryeowook knows he should be home, back in his dorm, under the covers, earplugs in because Heechul was probably over again and things got loud when Heechul visited Hankyung. Ryeowook was in college because his mother had begged him to go. And since college was the best place to get drinks, he went.
He was late tonight because he was just getting out of this party, Yesung’s party. He’d been invited because of all the people in college, Yesung was the one who had seen him and known what it was that Ryeowook needed. Drinks. That’s what he went for because at least when he was drunk his life didn’t suck so much. When he was drunk he didn’t have remember that his father beat his mother, that his sister was pregnant, at sixteen, her life was over. When he was drunk he didn’t remember and so Ryeowook tried to stay drunk as long as possible.
He is on his way home, the streetlight casting enough glow to see by when he sees him. It’s just a passing glance, something so quick that when Ryeowook blinks it’s over. But, he knows he saw him because Ryeowook has never seen anyone as good looking in his life. He knows he saw him, knows it because his heart is hammering and his mind is out the window.
He can only think of how ridiculously gorgeous he looked. And before he knows it, he’s running, running after that man on that motorcycle. And it is dumb. It is ridiculous to think that he can maybe catch this man. He can’t, but Ryeowook is drunk and right now he thinks he can catch anybody.
He doesn’t and he ends up back in his dorm somehow. The noises from Hankyung’s bedroom lull him to sleep, probably because he’s drunk because he doubts that Heechul’s cries of “oh god” and “fuck yes” are what make him drowsy. And after that last cry of “faster” he knows it’s the alcohol. Although, Ryeowook has to hand it to Hankyung for finding the loudest bed partner in their college. Still, he’s tired and the noises mean he’s home, so before he knows it, he’s asleep.
The mornings after are always the worst. He wakes up with a headache, the side of his head feels like it’s going to cave in any second and he’s not in the best mood. Even the cup of black coffee that Hankyung hands to him does nothing to relieve his utter need to bang someone’s head in. He’s sick and tired and he has to go to classes. He takes a second to debate whether he should just stay in or go. In the end he does go because he hasn’t seen his professor's face in who knows how long.
Ryeowook is in a bad mood through the first ten minutes of the lecture. He gets the usual looks from the people around him, can hear the soft sighs from girls. Adorable they call him. Cute they say. Fuck it, if they knew what he was like they wouldn’t be calling him cute. Sure, his face is just ridiculous and the fact that he’s so slim doesn’t help at all, but they have no right to call him cute. None at all because he is not cute and his life just leaves no room for that.
He is just about to snap at the pair of girls next to him because really so early in the morning and with a hangover, he just doesn’t need their high pitched squealing. He doesn’t get to complain though because just as he is turning to tell them off the door to the lecture hall opens and the room goes quiet. There is a muffled apology from a deep voice and Ryeowook is interested. He turns around and fuck his life, but it’s him.
It’s the man from the motorcycle.
Ryeowook looks him up and down, eyes trained on those tight pants, that white shirt and that smile. Dimples. Ryeowook thinks that maybe he just found a new kink. He wants to see what would happen if he were to run his tongue over those wonderful dents in that man’s cheeks. He doesn’t realize he’s staring until the man’s eyes meet his and that smile is now directed at him. Ryeowook blinks, shrugs and turns away. Never mind that his heart is racing and he feels even more light headed. Never mind that whoever that is looks perfect dolled up in those clothes. Never mind that Ryeowook is imagining himself on his back, nails digging into those shoulders. Just never mind.
“I’m sorry.” The same deep voice says right beside him. “Is anyone sitting here?”
Ryeowook looks up. It is too fucking early for this. “Nope. No one.”
The man smiles and takes a seat, pulling out his notebook and pens. Siwon, the notebook says, not that Ryeowook is looking or anything.
“My name is Siwon.” The man says turning to him. “I’m a sophomore. What’s your name?”
Ryeowook wants to laugh. They are not in kinder garden and they don’t need this crap, but he takes the hand that Siwon offers him and shakes it anyway.
“I’m Ryeowook.” He says
It turns out the Siwon is not at all like Ryeowook expected. Siwon is funny, loves to touch and has this ridiculous endearing habit of moving his hands way too much. Hand gestures. That’s the first way Ryeowook learns to describe Siwon. Love and purpose are next, but they come much later.
At the moment Ryeowook just knows that Siwon talks to him and asks him questions and it’s so easy to tell him everything. He tells Siwon about his parents one day while they’re having lunch. He ends up crying through most of it but at least it’s out there. He lets it all go and Siwon dries his tears.
It’s strange how one man can change a person. Ryeowook finds himself looking forward to class because he gets to see Siwon. Of course he isn’t Siwon’s only friend. Siwon knows Hankyung too. They’ve known each other for years and Hankyung has that advantage over Ryeowook.
Ryeowook watches the way Siwon walks with one arm around Hankyung. The two of them are laughing, leaning into each other. They look so fucking perfect that Ryeowook wants to punch Hankyung’s face in. Two days later, however, he walks into his dorm to find Heechul on Hankyung’s lap, the two of them tangled so close together that there is no way for Ryeowook to see between them. Ryeowook smiles and walks back out because he just remembered that Hankyung is with Heechul and he suddenly feels like going to class.
He skips off to class happier than he has ever been and sits down next to Siwon.
“Hello.” Siwon smiles putting an arm around Ryeowook’s shoulders.
Ryeowook grins and is glad that Siwon is this touchy with everyone. “Hello Siwon. How are you?”
“I’m fine. What has you so happy?”
Ryeowook shrugs. “I’m just happy for Hankyung and Heechul hyungs. They’re together you know.”
“I know. They make a nice couple. But, you know who else makes a good couple?”
Ryeowook looks up so fast he thinks he might have pulled a neck muscle. Siwon’s face is so close to his when he does and it’s all he can do to breathe properly.
“Who?” He whispers.
Siwon winks. “We would of course.”
Ryeowook thinks he died and went to heaven but fuck if he would ever admit it. He leans back into Siwon’s hug and shakes his head.
“Why would I ever want to date you?”
Siwon smiles slow and it can almost be called seductive. “Come have a cup of coffee with me after class and I’ll show you why.”
Ryeowook goes to have coffee with Siwon and he realizes that yes, maybe they do make a good couple. There is just something about the way Siwon talks—hands moving along as he expresses himself—that has Ryeowook captivated. There is something about those dimples when he laughs, that carefree laugh as if there was nothing in the world to worry about. Ryeowook thinks that maybe he can lose himself in that laugh.
***
Ryeowook has never been one to give up what he wants for others. He was never taught how to do that. At home, it was everyone for themselves and he has built a wall around him so that no one can get in. Siwon is working wonders at breaking down that wall and that’s why Ryeowook ends up at another one of Yesung’s parties, drinking until he can’t tell red from blue.
He doesn’t know how Siwon finds him, probably Hankyung, but it doesn’t matter because just as he is about to take another drink, Siwon is there and pulling him outside. Ryeowook’s head hurts but he can make out the words that Siwon is saying. Something about “killing you” and “early grave.” Ryeowook laughs and follows Siwon back to the dorms. Hankyung and Siwon have switched because one day Heechul decided that he didn’t want to dorm with Siwon. Ryeowook doesn’t mind the current living arrangements because he can be with Siwon.
They go home and Siwon puts him down on the couch. Ryeowook can’t tell up from down and he doesn’t understand why Siwon is so upset. There are actual tears running down Siwon’s face and Ryeowook is confused.
“What’s wrong?” he slurs sure that there is no way Siwon can understand him.
Siwon looks at him, eyes wide. “Ryeowook I love you.”
Ryeowook looks at him and then he’s crying because it just so fucking easy with Siwon. He’s sobbing because no one loves him, but Siwon says he does. He’s crying because Siwon’s arms feel so good around him. He’s crying because he is afraid.
“Don’t do it anymore.” Siwon murmurs as he calms Ryeowook down. “Don’t hurt yourself anymore.”
Ryeowook goes to sleep in Siwon’s arms that night. The next morning he is up and his head hurts. He smells coffee and just the smell alone makes him want to throw up. He doesn’t understand why everyone insists on feeding him that horrid stuff.
When he walks into the kitchen Siwon has two cups on the table. He hands one to Ryeowook.
“My secret addiction.” Siwon says. “The other one is you.”
Ryeowook blushes for the first time in his life and curses Siwon for it. He gets up, pours the disgusting goop down the sink and shakes his head.
“That was so cheesy even you don’t know what to do with yourself.”
Siwon laughs and kisses the side of his face. “I love you Ryeowook.”
Ryeowook sighs and signs up for therapy.
***
It’s so hard.
There’s pain and hunger and this craving that makes him shake. His hands can’t hold anything, his body hurts. He aches physically for that taste of liquor down his throat. He wants it so bad that he can’t see straight. Just one drink, one cool, wonderful, drink, alcohol sliding down his throat, burning as it marks its path to his stomach. Amber liquid. He wants it.
He’s shaking, curled up into a ball when Siwon comes to the dorm. Siwon says nothing, just picks him up and Ryeowook shakes against him, dry sobs racking his body. It hurts so much and he wants out. He wants that drink so bad it’s almost like he can’t breathe. Just one swallow, just one.
“Help.” He gasps fingers digging into Siwon’s shoulder.
“How?” Siwon asks pulling Ryeowook onto his lap, arms holding him close. “How do I help?”
Ryeowook says nothing just kisses him, lips hard, teeth sharp. He’s pulling at Siwon’s shirt, fingers desperate. Siwon catches on quickly and has Ryeowook pinned under him in a second. They work together to get the clothes out of the way and then Ryeowook flips them over.
He sits up and takes Siwon’s hands guiding them to his hips. “Press hard.”
Siwon swallows but nods.
“Harder.” Ryeowook says when Siwon’s fingers aren’t enough to bring him back.
He gasps as Siwon’s fingers dig into his hips. He impales himself on Siwon, raw and it hurts. It hurts but the burn is good. It brings him back to reality. It makes him forget the other ache in him. It’s all about Siwon and as long as he keeps moving there is no room for anything else.
“Fuck. Yes.” He chokes out finally understanding why Heechul makes so much noise.
It almost breaks them, Ryeowook’s therapy. They do more fucking than talking, but Ryeowook needs it. He needs it because it is only Siwon that is keeping him alive, only Siwon that makes him get up in the morning. It is just Siwon and Ryeowook needs him. It’s like he’s replacing his addiction with Siwon. And this might not be a good thing because he can’t get addicted to Siwon. But, between two evils he goes for the lesser one.
***
Ryeowook sighs looking up from the drink in front of him. Who knew that one day Siwon would just go? Who knew that what they had wasn’t going to last forever?
He knows it wasn’t entirely his fault, but it wasn’t entirely Siwon’s either. They were together three years before Siwon decided that he wanted to go study in China. Ryeowook wanted to believe that Siwon would come back, wanted to believe it the way Heechul believed that Hankyung would come back. The difference between him and Heechul was that Hankyung had come back and Siwon hadn’t.
It had been six years since the time they were last together. They ended in an argument, words Ryeowook didn’t mean spat out in his anger. He hadn’t understood and now Siwon was gone and he had no clue if he was ever coming back. It had been two years since Hankyung had come back and Ryeowook hadn’t mustered up the courage to ask Hankyung about Siwon yet. Hankyung being Hankyung hadn’t anything either.
Heechul and Hankyung worry about him. They visit often, invite him over, but Ryeowook tries to stay away from them as much as he can. When he is with them he can’t drink and it is only the alcohol that is keeping him sane at this point. His heart aches with memories and it is only in the dark amber liquid that he can find some sort of peace. They were too clear sometimes, those memories. Memories of Siwon and him walking together, hands together, fingers laced. Memories of him and Siwon sitting at cafés sipping drinks, coffee for Siwon, tea for him. There were memories of his dark room, roaming hands, pants by his ear, hisses of pleasure. Memory after memory after memory and Ryeowook is sick of them.
Ryeowook finishes off his drink and gets up to leave. He isn’t drunk yet, but he’s slightly put off by all the memories. He keeps remembering how he promised Siwon that he wouldn’t drink anymore, how he was going to be good. He promised but Siwon promised to come back and sometimes people don’t keep promises. Still, Ryeowook doesn’t want to drink anymore. He leaves the bar and heads home, walking to the train station because he sold his car, but he can’t remember why.
He punches the numbers on his door lock. Siwon’s birthday. He lets himself in knowing that it’s stupid, but no one knows that’s what those numbers are but him. He closes the door behind him, easing off his shoes and just as he is about to go to his room he sees him.
Standing in the kitchen, wearing the same clothes Ryeowook had seen him in last, there is Siwon. He looks exactly the way Ryeowook remembers and he doesn’t think, doesn’t bother to ask how is it that Siwon is here, because he’s running. He throws himself at Siwon who catches him in his arms. Ryeowook wraps his arms around Siwon and then he’s kissing him, tears flowing down both their cheeks.
“I love you. I love you. I love you.” Ryeowook says over and over, his words muffled between Siwon’s lips.
He’s here. He’s real and Ryeowook is shaking. Those strong arms feel so good around him. Ryeowook doesn’t ask questions. He just laughs and cries and touches Siwon until he convinces himself that this is real. They go to sleep together that night and Ryeowook doesn’t want to know what happened. He just wants to know that Siwon is back.
They end up going to Hankyung’s palace the next day because Ryeowook knows that Hankyung would like to see Siwon. They are close friends after all and Ryeowook is just so happy he can’t even walk straight. It takes him twice as long to put on his clothes that morning, but when he finally gets it right, Siwon is there waiting for him. He takes Ryeowook’s hand and they walk together, hand in hand, ignoring everyone around them. Ryeowook is chatting, telling Siwon about what changed and what didn’t. They are attracting strange looks, but Ryeowook doesn’t care. Siwon is here and who cares what anyone else thinks.
They stop by the florist to look at flowers because Ryeowook just remembered that he loves flowers. It seems he is remembering a lot now that Siwon is here. They look at the flowers and Ryeowook catches the florist looking at him with this sort of scared look in her eyes. Ryeowook frowns and opens his mouth to say something poetic about love, but Siwon is pulling on his hand and smiling at him. Ryeowook says nothing and walks out.
“You should have let me say something.” Ryeowook complains but Siwon just smiles, dimples pronounced and pulls him along.
They take the stairs when they get to Hankyung’s place and Ryeowook tells Siwon about how Heechul and Hankyung are living together. He gets a smile as a response and is completely content as he knocks on Hankyung’s door.
“Ryeowook.” Hankyung says when he opens the door.
“Hyung,” Ryeowook says barging into Hankyung’s apartment. “Hyung, look who I found.”
Hankyung stares at him. “Who?”
Ryeowook takes Siwon’s hand and pulls him in. “It’s Siwon.”
Hankyung looks at him, eyes soft and gentle. “Oh Ryeowook-ah.”
Ryeowook lets Hankyung take his free hand and lead him to the living room. He takes a seat on the couch pulling Siwon down next to him.
“Do you want anything to drink?” Hankyung asks, again that voice is too soft, too gentle.
Ryeowook frowns but Siwon is next to him smiling and he can’t seem to care too much. “I’ll have some water. What do you want Siwon?”
Siwon shifts to look at him, eyes soft and Ryeowook can see that Siwon is proud of him, proud because Ryeowook said water and not soju. And Ryeowook really doesn’t need to ask what Siwon wants because Siwon always wants the same thing.
“Siwon will take coffee.”
Hankyung’s smile is soft, almost sad as he walks off into the kitchen. Ryeowook ignores it, even though there is something prickling at the back of his neck, but he’ll deal with that later. He turns back to Siwon, smile wide as he leans his head on those broad shoulders. He inhales and there is the scent that is so very Siwon, that musky smell, so wonderful, so full of home. Siwon reaches out, twining their fingers together, and Ryeowook smiles. It’s so foreign, all these smiles on his face, but he likes them. He likes them because it is Siwon who pulls them out of him.
He snuggles closer to Siwon, letting himself go. With Siwon he can be like this, can be soft and vulnerable, can be that cutesy kind of guy he was when he was real young, because Siwon will never hurt him. Siwon loves him. Siwon loves him even after all the things Ryeowook has done to him, loves him even the way he is. Siwon loves him and for Siwon Ryeowook would do anything.
“Wookie?” Hankyung calls coming back in.
Ryeowook looks at him from Siwon’s shoulder. “Yes hyung?”
Hankyung frowns, worry lines on his face, as he comes to sit on the coffee table in front of Ryeowook. He takes Ryeowook’s face in his hands and pulls him closer so that they’re looking at each other.
“Did you take your pills this morning?”
Ryeowook frowns. Pills? He has no clue what Hankyung is talking about but he nods because he figures that will get him out of this and back into Siwon’s arms the fastest.
“Who am I?” Hankyung asks.
Ryeowook frowns. “What are you talking about?”
“Humor me Wookie.” Hankyung says, eyes furrowed, expression serious. “Who am I?”
“You’re Hankyung hyung.” Ryeowook says wondering if Heechul has finally driven Hankyung insane.
“That’s right baby.” Hankyung murmurs. “And where are we?”
“Hyung…” Ryeowook says wondering where this is all coming from, but he answers because there is something in Hankyung’s eyes that scares him. “We’re in yours and Heechul hyung’s apartment.”
“Right. And what about you? Where do you live? What do you do?”
“I work two jobs.” Ryeowook says wincing as he remembers why, but Siwon gives his hand a light squeeze and it’s okay. “I…I have my own apartment and I live there alone. But, not anymore hyung. Siwon’s back. Remember how I told you we had that fight? He came back! We’re not fighting anymore.”
“Wookie.” Hankyung says sitting down next to him and pulling him close.
Ryeowook blinks because Hankyung is sitting where Siwon was a few seconds ago. There’s obviously no one there now, but then…
“Ryeowook, I need you to come with me. We’re going to go to the hospital.”
Ryeowook shakes his head. “Why hyung? Are you sick?”
Hankyung looks at him through tear filled eyes and something clenches around Ryeowook’s heart. “Hyung, what is it?”
“It’s nothing.” Hankyung says.
“Tell me.”
Hankyung looks at him, eyes brimming over and Ryeowook doesn’t understand why. “Ryeowook, Siwon…”
“What about Siwon?” Ryeowook asks not knowing why he’s panicking.
“Siwon is dead.” Hankyung says his voice so quiet that Ryeowook almost misses it.
Ryeowook laughs. “Of course Siwon isn’t dead hyung. What are you talking about? He came here with me.”
Hankyung says nothing, just pulls Ryeowook into a hug so tight he can barely breathe. When Ryeowook looks up Siwon is there by the door. His big, brown eyes are gentle as they look into Ryeowook’s. The smile on Siwon’s face is sad, like he can’t bear to walk away, but knows he has to. Ryeowook wants to reach out, call out, touch him, pull him close. He wants something, but he can’t because Hankyung is holding him and telling him that Siwon is dead.
There is a second where the world pauses, where it’s just Ryeowook and Siwon, where even Hankyung is gone. There is a second where Ryeowook feels Siwon’s hand in his, like a pull, so addicting, just that feel. He has always been addicted to the feel of Siwon’s hand in his. There is that moment where everything melts away and Ryeowook is looking up at Siwon. They look at each other and Ryeowook knows this is real has to be real. Siwon is here. Siwon isn’t dead.
“I’m sorry.”
Ryeowook can hear the words almost as if they’re spoken into his ear. They’re soft, gentle and so very caring. He hears them again and again and then he’s sobbing, his heart feeling like it’s going to fall out of his chest because he remembers.
He remembers everything.
***
”Ryeowook, please.” Siwon calls, but Ryeowook ignores him.
He walks off, anger burning through him, hot. He makes his way over to his car because he really doesn’t want to hear Siwon’s explanation for why he’s leaving. If China is such a fucking good opportunity, if China is so much better than being together, then fine. Siwon should just say that he wants to get away from Ryeowook so that he can fuck Hankyung. Then again, that’s not fair and Ryeowook knows it. Hankyung is having enough trouble already because going back to China means that he has to leave Heechul.
But, Ryeowook is angry and it helps if he thinks that Siwon is leaving for that reason. It helps because if Siwon were leaving to fuck other people, then Ryeowook wouldn’t feel guilty for hating him. It’s the fact that he knows that Siwon needs to go that has him worked up. China is a wonderful experience and will do wonderful things for Siwon. China is where Siwon needs to be and it’s not forever. He knows that, but at the same time it hurts. It’s like someone took a white hot knife and plunged it into his heart.
Siwon is leaving.
Ryeowook has gone exactly two days without Siwon since they met. Two days. And now he has to go four years without seeing the other man. Four long years in which he is going to be alone, wondering, thinking, guessing. What if Siwon finds someone else? Siwon is good looking enough to have whoever he wants. Girls and guys will pile up on him and Ryeowook knows that four years are a long time.
Four years.
He gets into his car because he knows that if Siwon touches him, he will lose it. His tears are already falling, leaving wet trails down his cheeks. It’s all Siwon’s fault. Ever since he met the guy Ryeowook has become a mess. He cries over everything, little things that have no meaning make him sob like a baby. But, it feels so good. He has never felt so free.
He gets into the car and pulls off without bothering to listen to what Siwon is saying. He doesn’t drive fast and he has his seat belt on too because Siwon has turned him into a fucking baby. Ryeowook drives, his hands and feet knowing where to take him. He ends up at his old favorite bar and the bar tender, Shindong, frowns when he sees him.
“Ryeowook-ah, I thought you quit drinking.”
“I did.” Ryeowook says. “I just need something to calm my nerves.”
Shindong frowns again but goes to get him a drink. Ryeowook reaches into his pocket pulls out all the money he is carrying and lays it on the bar. When Shindong comes back he hands over the money.
“Give me all the drinks that will buy and when I run out of money kick me out.”
Shindong looks at the wads in his hand and sighs. “Jesus, Ryeowook, do you want to end up at the hospital?. There is no way you can drink all of this.”
Ryeowook rolls his eyes because, yes, he can drink all of that and more probably. He may be out of practice after three years of being sober, but he knows he can handle it.
“Just do it.” he says downing the drink in one go.
It burns going down his throat, the alcohol soothing his nerves. It burns so good like Siwon’s hands on his hips and Siwon inside him. It feels like heaven only better because he’s had Siwon moving in him, against him, hissing words into his ear and that is true heaven.
Shindong replaces his empty glass with a new one and Ryeowook looks at it. He sees Siwon’s face and that gorgeous smile, those dimples clear and bright on his cheeks. He sees Siwon shaking his head, tears glistening in those eyes. He sees Siwon going after him, pleading, wanting Ryeowook to understand. And he sees himself shaking his head, angry, pulling away and leaving. He sees all the times Siwon was there for him, pulling him close, singing him to sleep even though he insisted that his voice was awful. He sees Siwon’s eyes shining with pride as he makes his one year anniversary of being sober. He sees Siwon.
And just like that he can’t do it.
He looks at the glass in front of him, at tan liquid inside and he pushes it away. “I’m sorry Shindong. I don’t think I want this anymore.”
There is fierce pride in Shindong’s eyes and it reminds Ryeowook that he should be at home with Siwon. He should be there making the most of their last moments together. Yes, Siwon has to go and Ryeowook doesn’t want him to, but it’s not forever. Siwon will come back. Ryeowook knows this. Siwon has to come back because Siwon loves him. And he can wait. He can always wait and visit when he makes enough money. He can take up two jobs if he needs to, but they can do this. They can because Ryeowook loves Siwon and Ryeowook knows Siwon loves him.
“Go home Ryeowook and tell whoever is waiting for you that they did a good job.”
Ryeowook smiles at Shindong and refuses the money that Shindong tries to give him back.
“Take it.” Ryeowook says. “I don’t think I can use it, not after what I was going to use it for.”
Shindong nods and doesn’t press and Ryeowook thinks that maybe there is someone else besides Siwon who understands him. He smiles at Shindong and leaves. The cool night air hits his face and he takes a deep breath. It is wonderful and clean and he feels so light and free. He can do this. If he refused the urge to drown his sorrows in alcohol then he can do anything. He can go home and throw Siwon down on the bed and tell him how much he loves him. He can learn to live and move on because if Heechul and Hankyung can do it then so can he and Siwon.
He’s driving back home, seat belt on like Siwon says it should be and his eyes are on the road. He isn’t speeding, but he isn’t crawling along either. The highway is practically deserted as it should be at this hour and Ryeowook is relaxed. He is going to go home and hug Siwon and kiss him until both their tears are dry and then he’s going to do what he should have done in the first place.
It is the small animal running out in front of him that catches him off guard. He swerves to avoid hitting it because it’s too late to step on the breaks. The problem is there is someone coming from the other side and even though his car barely brushes against the smooth surface of the motorcycle, it goes flying. Ryeowook steps on the brakes, parks his car and is out and running. He recognizes the dark, smooth surface of the bike a good five meters away. He recognizes the dark helmet on the person’s head.
“Siwon.” He calls running over.
There is no answer as he reaches Siwon. His body is limp when Ryeowook flips him over. He muffles his gasp against his hand when he sees the left side of Siwon’s face. It’s all he can do to keep back the sobs. His hands are shaking as he pulls out his cellphones and dials 911. He doesn’t know what he says but apparently he’s understood because they tell him to stay where he’s at. Ryeowook closes the phone and takes Siwon into his lap.
His hands are shaking so hard that even Siwon’s body is shaking. He doesn’t know what to do, what to say. It’s like someone hit the mute button because there are so many things he wants to say and none of them will come out. This isn’t happening to them, not to them. This kind of thing only happens in movies, in dramas. It never happens to real people.
Except it does.
They take Siwon to the hospital. They take Ryeowook too. Hankyung and Heechul show up an hour later and it’s only when Hankyung comes into Siwon’s room that he loses it. He’s sobbing into Hankyung’s shoulder, feeling the drops from Hankyung’s eyes on his cheek. He can’t bear to look at Siwon, but he can’t leave either. He wants Hankyung to stay and at the same time he wants to be alone. He doesn’t know what to do, what to say, how to make it better.
Siwon is lying on a hospital bed, the left side of his beautiful face ruined and it’s all Ryeowook’s fault. The doctors tell him them that even if Siwon makes it out alive he’s probably not walking again and there will be a scar on the left side of his face forever. The three of them cry when they hear the news, but no one cries as hard as Ryeowook. No one does because Hankyung has Heechul to hold him up and Heechul has Hankyung. Ryeowook has the man lying in the hospital bed because of him.
It occurs to Ryeowook that Siwon is an only child and he can’t be there when his parents come in. He leaves and knows that Siwon will understand. He comes back every day hoping for some news. He can’t look at Siwon’s mother in the face, even though no one has told her who it was that hit Siwon. He can’t bear her sympathy, her pleading eyes. He can’t look at her and so he avoids her, going to see Siwon only when she’s not there.
They call him on the fifth day, Hankyung does. Siwon is awake and asking for him. Ryeowook drops everything he is doing and rushes over to the hospital, taking the train because he’s sold his car. When he gets there Siwon is just lying in bed, no longer connected to anything. His face is pale and he looks so small, shrunken into himself. Ryeowook knows what is happening but still he refuses to believe it.
He walks over to the bed and takes Siwon’s hands.
“I’m so sorry.” He says and then he’s crying.
Siwon is crying with him but he takes Ryeowook’s hand and tugs so that Ryeowook has no choice but to lean down. Siwon’s lips are on his and then they’re kissing and it’s scared. They’re both scared.
“I’m sorry,” Siwon says, “I am so sorry.”
Three days later Ryeowook gets the phone call.
They bury Siwon and hold a mass in his honor. There are people who talk about him, about his smile, his face, his wonderful personality. They talk and when it’s Ryeowook’s turn to go up, he looks at them all. He looks at the casket and he sighs.
“I loved him.” he says and the past tense kills him.
***
Ryeowook is shaking in Hankyung’s arms. His heart is at his throat and he can’t breathe. He looks at the door where Siwon is standing and he sees the tears in those eyes. He killed Siwon. He was the one who ran him over, the reason Siwon hasn’t come back to him.
He chokes on a sob and digs his fingers into Hankyung. He needs something to ground him. Something, anything because he remembers. He remembers drinking so much he ends up at the hospital. He remembers going to the therapy session, Hankyung and Heechul dragging him there. He remembers the medication they gave him. To forget they said. And Ryeowook hadn’t wanted to forget. He remembers throwing the pills down the sink, shirking appointments.
He remembers.
He looks up again and Siwon is there in front of him except he isn’t real. Ryeowook looks into those eyes and feels the tears on his. He wants this Siwon to be real. He wants it so bad it hurts. But, it isn’t real. This isn’t Siwon.
“I love you.”
The words echo in his head and he feels his world crashing down around him. Even after everything he did Siwon still loved him.
“Siwon.” Ryeowook gasps. “Siwon, I love you.”
There is a moment where they look at each other and then Siwon smiles. Ryeowook’s tears blur his vision and when he dries them Siwon is gone.
A/N: Andi says I can't stop writing. ;_;
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I am sorry D:
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I must say, there were some bits in their that I really did like. I loved the bit where Siwon confessed, obviously as my otp that was going to be good for me! Along with the idea of swapping alcohol for sex, thats genius!
And it did make me feel miserable :p which is of course the point behind angst so, well done! You managed to murder my otp xD
Now I freeking need an injection of fluff or Imma die! CUE ANDI! xDD
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clearly Ryeowook needed something in exchange. I say why not have Siwon give him what he wants! \0/
*flops* I can't say I am glad it made you miserable but that was the point I suppose so yay? and yes Andi needs to write fluff for me too. OTL I murdered your otp. I am glad you liked at least some parts!
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I just hope my pwp for you will be okay >< seeing as you want HanChul so bad! xDD
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OTL yeah I sort of do need the hanchul....but i am sure you will blow me away \0/
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IF YOU DON'T WANT TO MURDER ME AFTER THIS THEN I WILL KEEP WRITING. but since you're going to want to murder me I'll just go stop writing now.
I LOVE YOU <33333333333
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but omfg the angst!! TT_TT i almost cried. i don't cry and this almost made me cry. Wookie~~ Siwon~~~ ;_;
this was so wonderful though!! the emotions and everything that they went through! and Siwon loving Ryeowook and Ryeowook eventually loving Siwon and bawwwwwwwwwwww TT_TT
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but okay <3
=\ I don't cry either so I get it. I am horrible. I am so mean to them. What did I do???? *flops*
and then me killing Siwon OTL
I am happy to know you liked it though. *sighs* okay. I'll go drown myself in some fluff now. OMG what did I do to Siwon and Ryeowook???
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but yes, go drown yourself in a sea of fluff for now.. EunHae and MinWook fluff is great~
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*falls over and dies* fluffffffffffffffffff *crawls after it like a drowning man and/or woman (because we can't always assume that it is the man who gets lost on a deserted island with nothing to drink. clearly this can happen to women too although what any person would be doing out at sea without a cellphone and a years supply of food is beyond me =\ *shrugs* some people)
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ahh yes that is a good point! XD
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I love you for loving me even if I went and destroyed wookie whom you love. <3
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you and Wookie whom i love~~
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I make people read pairings they wouldn't normally read.............I could harness this power for both good and evil andi. What to do? What to do?
<3333333333333333333333
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OTL okay...well then at least I didn't butcher it even though I liked killed off poor Siwonnie *sobs* hope he can forgive me ;_;
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I have evil mind controlling powers =\
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let's see if more than 6k words is enough to make believe it does
8D
*off to read*
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okay I...was all O_o siwook and that was what I titled it in my word doc..........you are sooooooo going to hate me at the end of this. *shudders* *hides*
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no Ana! no you didn't! you didn't kill Woonie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*still in denial*
here is a moment where they look at each other and then Siwon smiles. Ryeowook’s tears blur his vision and when he dries them Siwon is gone.
*cries forever*
this is so sad yet beautifully written
angst is your thing isn't it?
while reading I was telling myslef not to cry & I was doing a good job until this line
Siwon is crying with him but he takes Ryeowook’s hand and tugs so that Ryeowook has no choice but to lean down. Siwon’s lips are on his and then they’re kissing and it’s scared. They’re both scared.
--> I don't know why but I broke down here, it just tugged at my heart strings...
how do you this you awesome person?
you can be proud for being my first SiWook fic author & you know what? it's not awkward & I might even wanna read more of it (only if it's as well writen as this)
ah yeah! don't you think I haven't seen that tiny bit of SiHan even though it was mostly Wook's imagination
& of course HanChul is looooooooooove!
HanChul is like your personal signature right? 8D
I love it 'coz you just have to throw some HanChul love in there & the world is perfect!
*hugs you tight though you killed my man*
<333
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but I did and I didn't want to but it would not have been as sad if it was ryeowook who died=( *hugs you*
yeah I suppose angst is my thing. =\ it just comes to me like you would not believe. I have this thing where I am just drawn to angst, where if i start a good angst story then i have to finish it and the world has to stop because I am writing angst. when i'm writing it then the world doesn't exist. i don't eat, don't move, until it's done no matter how long it takes. angst is slightly addicting.
*falls over* I am completely flattered. Don't call me awesome =\ i just killed Siwon OTL
*ruffles feathers proudly* yay for being your first Siwook author and actually I think I saw a bunch of siwook today....\0/// yay for siwook....they make this weird sort of attracting pairing...like so easy to write about...
I did ninja in the shihan. lately they've been ninja-ing themselves into everything...it's because they are so irresistible too.
I have a personal signature \0/ and yeah I sort of don't have to think about it i guess. Hanchul just knows they're going to be in there somewhere. I mean i manage to get in hanchul in my shihan too. just okay i take them as my personal signature. if there is no hanchul i didn't write it. =)
*hugs you back even more tightly* I know I did ;_;
<33333333333333333
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My favorite part is probably when Ryeowook gets addicted to Siwon.
It's really well written. The order of the sequences and the whole plot. Your logic matches mine. (Ah, I can't express what I mean...Damn lack of words. Something like: If this was my fanfiction, I would've written it exactly like this.)
*clicks imaginary thumbs up button*
Keep on writing! You know you want it!...XD *runs away*
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I am happy that you liked it and that we share a brain \0/ thanks so much and I am sorry I crushed your heart. *straightens it out, irons it, hangs it up to catch the sun, puts it back* I hope that helped and thanks so much <3
DDDDDDDDDD: noooooooo...but yes I do want to ;_; Ana breaking fan girls hearts since 2010...=(
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Thank you. I am flattered and yeah it was the least I could do after i crushed your heart. I know how hard it is to get it back to its original shape after but i have practice so yay!
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anyway.
;_______; I'm crying. the angst is killing me......
WHY????
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I am sorry *hugs* *hands you tissues*
I was promised hanchul and I gave angst in exchange.
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OTL WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME I LIKE DEATH AND TORTURE.
OH BTW I STAYED UP TIL 4 AM LAST NIGHT READING REVENGE IS JUST ANOTHER GAME. BUT I DIDN'T COMMENT CAUSE IDK HOW TO SUM UP MY FEELINGS FOR HOW AWESOME IT IS. DO YOU HAVE SOME OTHER FORM OF COMMUNICATION I CAN SPAZZ AT YOU OVER? I HAVE MSN OR AIM. LOL ANYWAY /OFF TO READ
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Hankyung looks at him, eyes soft and gentle. “Oh Ryeowook-ah.”
Right there I literally put a hand over my heart and said out loud "oh no." IDK I always feel like the author accomplished something really good when I have little involuntary reactions like that, so good job.
I loved the way this was told with flashbacks and going back to the present and it really added to the drama at the end and I was prepared for my bias' death but OMG RYEOWOOK IS THE ONE WHO INADVERTENTLY KILLED HIM AND I COULD NEVER LIVE WITH THAT GUILT ;_____________;
Fuck Ana, what you do to me and yet I keep coming back for more. ilu I will write you SiHan or something in the future when I have time OTL ♥
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\0/ i am glad I did a good job!!! I was so mean to poor wookie. He didn't deserve all that and I went and killed it and made it all sdjhfas and idek OTL i am so mean to him. ;_;
EJGTIEHTUEHLIREHLIAGHEHGRUEHYHUREI SHIHAN????????? OTL MY HEAD AND HEART ARE FOREVER YOURS *gives them to you*
although I sihanchul never killed anyone...or even hanchul....XD I'll shut up nowyou do your work and take your time and come back when you're ready to post. I will wait for you forever <3I LOVE YOU ♥
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You're not going to read this are you???
*hides*
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so r we both angst whores? XD the only thing is, u can actually write angst. :O
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yeah I guess we both are because I love to write angst. noooooo i....*flops* I love you <3
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*goes off to cry in dark closet*
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*chases after you* nooooooooooooo ;_; *hands you tissues*
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though i love sihan too, siwook is :P. XDDDD
-A/N: Andi says I can't stop writing. ;_;-
Hmm... is this a problem for you? you update stories like crazy. BUT... im not objecting. :)))
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yeah i like taking plots that i've seen and watching what I can do to make them my own. I suppose it comes from the fact that I used to borrow plot lines from other books when I first started writing back when I was 10, then I just sort of started tweaking them and then finally coming up with my own. I think I got this off a movie or maybe one of Nicholas Spark's books...can't remember.
lol yeah I do but I was all sdjfaksd about this fic because it just went and killed Siwon and I made wookie an alcoholic and just....yeah....I needed like injections of fluff after this =\ but it was okay because instead of the fluff i went and took a day off...also because I have a biology test eight hours....but meh
<3333333333333333
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omfgggg i was like, so this is siwook. i've never heard of it before but ASDVFMEOVMGBJKSDFMD SIWOOK <3 i adore angst and all, not gonna deny it hahah, but thissss. seriously ;___; i don't think i've ever felt so .... aaah.
-off to cry in a corner now-
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*hugs you* I made you feel aaah O: *goes to get you something nice*
forgive??
*goes after you to the corner* aaaahh what to do?
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but thank you for reading <3
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