static_abyss (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
static_abyss) wrote2011-01-29 09:11 pm
static_abyss) wrote2011-01-29 09:11 pm
Entry tags:
Soft Like Velvet
Title: Soft Like Velvet (side story to Like Velvet)
Pairing: EunHae, Donghae/Jessica, HanHae, side: KangTeuk, Yesung/Janmi(ooc) and ninja!YeTeuk
Genre: serious angst, AU
Rating: R (themes)
Warnings: Drug and alcohol addiction.
Summary: Donghae doesn't know how his life spiraled so out of control, doesn't know if he can get it back on track, but there is Eunhyuk, there is always Eunhyuk.
A/N: ANNIE! Look what I did! I said I was going to write you some nice HanHae and look what I went and did. I wrote angst and it's sad and angsty Hanhae and OMG what did I do to poor Hae baby! *hugs Donghae forever* I don't know how this happened. =/ I was going to write this cute story and BAM next thing you know I am three pages into this angst story and it kept going and going and going until it became 4,422 words of sad, bad hanhae and angsty Eunhae. And then I went and added poor Jessica =/ Anyway, please read the warning before reading this fic. Thank you.
There are two ways to end up there in that club. You have either been let down or you're married and looking for release.
Donghae is married. He's married to a young girl, a sweet blond who loves him and whose name is Jessica. He knows Jessica loves him because she agreed to marry him, and because she shows him. She's never said it out loud, but Donghae knows. He can tell from the way she laughs for him, cares for him, watches him.
But, she's just a child. They both are. Donghae is nineteen and married to an eighteen year old. He is nineteen and he has been forced to marry her because his parents don't think it's right to feel what Donghae feels.
He realizes he is not going to be able to make his parents happy when he kisses his best friend. He is sixteen years old and he does it because he loves Eunhyuk’s soft white milky skin and his red lips. He does it and he likes it and he knows then that he will never be able to make his parents happy. He knows because Eunhyuk kisses him back.
“I love him.”
That is what he tells his parents when they ask him why Eunhyuk is half naked and in his bed. He can never forget the horror on their faces, the tears in his mother’s eyes, the disappointment. He is small and scared and he does what they tell him to do because he can’t bear those looks and he is afraid.
His mother kicks Eunhyuk out of the house. She forbids Donghae to ever see him again and then she introduces Jessica. Donghae likes Jessica because she is sweet and nice and she makes him laugh. She is a bit full of herself in the beginning and when Donghae tells her that she bites him.
Literally.
Donghae doesn't stop seeing Eunhyuk. He can't. He can't because Eunhyuk reaffirms what he knew ever since that day he kissed Eunhyuk. Nothing more happens between them after that and even Eunhyuk likes Jessica. The three of them have fun together; have fun together until Donghae's father makes the announcement.
"You and Jessica are getting married."
Donghae says nothing because there is nothing to say. He likes Jessica because she has this way of saying "oppa" that makes her sound like a petulant child and Donghae loves it. He understands why Jessica cries when her parents tell her the news. He understands because Jessica doesn't love him. Jessica is in love with this dancer and she had hoped that he would notice her.
He never did and now she has to marry Donghae.
They get married and Eunhyuk goes to the wedding. Donghae doesn't understand the sad look in those eyes. He doesn't understand why Eunhyuk cries as he hugs them both. He doesn't get why Eunhyuk suddenly can't bear to look at him or Jessica.
Their wedding night is supposed to be magical. All wedding nights are supposed to be. This one isn't. Donghae looks at Jessica and she looks at him and Jessica breaks first. She sobs into his shoulder and Donghae holds her until she calms down. They go to sleep holding each other like the best friends they are.
***
Jessica is the first to resign herself. They've been married for a year when she tells him he loves him. Donghae doesn't know what to do so he leaves her there and goes to Eunhyuk. They drink or more like Donghae drinks and Eunhyuk listens. Donghae falls asleep on Eunhyuk's lap and he wakes the next morning holding Eunhyuk's hand. Even then he doesn't understand why Eunhyuk looks so sad as he leaves.
***
He ends up at the club because Yesung hyung has a friend there. Jungsu is nice and cute and he makes Donghae smile. Jungsu coos over him. It's natural since Donghae is barely nineteen. Donghae doesn't understand why Yesung is so protective of Jungsu until he sees them together.
Jungsu is Leeteuk at the club. They ask for Leeteuk, all those men. But, there is one man that keeps coming for Leeteuk. His name is Kangin and Donghae doesn't miss the looks he and Jungsu exchange. Donghae understands why Yesung is so protective when one day he sees Hankyung.
They call him Hankyung, but he is Chinese and Donghae knows he must have another name. Hankyung dances with wild abandon, like he belongs on that stage, like he owns them all. It isn't intentional. Donghae can tell that much, but it is captivating and intoxicating all the same.
It starts out as admiration. He comes to the club because Yesung wanted him to meet Leeteuk who is in love with Kangin. Donghae has met Leeteuk and he keeps going back because he has to see Hankyung dance. He pays no one for anything. Jessica is still back home and he owes her respect. They are married after all and she loves him.
When he mentions Hankyung to Eunhyuk, Eunhyuk walks away. He comes back eyes red but smiling. Donghae can't understand why Eunhyuk cried and when he asks about it, Eunhyuk just laughs. He leaves that night confused and when he gets home Jessica has already cooked him food. He eats with her then says that he is going out. He knows she doesn't like it, but they are no more husband and wife than they were that first night.
That night Yesung is there. He and Leeteuk are sitting at the bar. If Donghae is right then Kangin should be coming in maybe thirty minutes.
"You have to help me Yesung." Leeteuk is saying when Donghae goes up to them.
"He makes you happy." Yesung says sounding reasonable and old.
"I can't." Leeteuk says. "You know I can't. What would we do? His parents. He has so much going for him. I can't be the cause of his pain. They won't accept me and they won't accept us. He's young."
"You're young." Donghae says because he knows what's going on.
"I'm older than him and I am older than him in years and experience."
"You love him." Yesung says.
Leeteuk doesn't deny it and Donghae sees the hurt in Yesung's eyes. He understands because he knows what it's like. Hankyung is intoxicating, mesmerizing and Donghae knows he can fall in love if he wants to. He might already be in love with the dancer that is moving on stage.
He has Jessica, yes, but Yesung has a wife and a three year old and Yesung loves Leeteuk. That is Donghae's first impression until he asks.
"Are you sure you want to leave?" Yesung asks.
Leeteuk nods.
"Then come to America with me. It's only for a while, three years until JanMi and I decide to come back."
JanMi is Yesung's wife. She is American, a pretty non-Korean brunette who gave up her American name for her given Korean one. Her parents sent her to Korea when she was 18 and she married Yesung after three years of dating. Now, they had an adorable son named Ryeowook.
JanMi was sweet and it bothered Donghae that Yesung was in love with Leeteuk. He waited, said nothing. He would talk to Yesung soon.
"One last night." Leeteuk said.
“One last night.” Yesung agrees placing a hand on Leeteuk’s shoulder.
“Teukie!”
Donghae turns first. There is the man named Kangin. Donghae doesn’t know what to make of him. Leeteuk loves him so he supposes that this man is good and kind. It is when Leeteuk stands up and takes Kangin’s hand that Donghae realizes why Leeteuk loves Kangin. He sees it in the way they walk off together, in the way Kangin looks at Leeteuk hyung. It is clear as day; Kangin loves Leeteuk.
“Go home Donghae.” Yesung says once Leeteuk is gone. “You shouldn’t come here so often. Jessica doesn’t deserve this.”
“That’s funny hyung.” Donghae says because this is his night.
This is the night he set aside. He has picked this night to finally do what he has wanted to do. He has been waiting to talk to Hankyung for so long. Donghae knows it is not okay to be here. He knows that Jessica does deserve better. He knows that if his parents ever found out, he would never be able to come back. So, he knows his parents can’t find out. He knows Jessica can’t find out and he knows that Yesung can’t say anything.
“Why is it funny Hae?” Yesung asks sounding tired.
“When were you planning to tell JanMi?”
“Tell her what? That Jungsu is coming with us?”
“When were you going to tell her about how you love Jungsu hyung?”
Yesung stares at him and Donghae thinks he won until Yesung shakes his head and opens his mouth again.
“I love Jungsu, but I love JanMi more than you could ever possibly know Donghae. You have no idea what it’s like. You’re too young to know what it’s like to love. You’re too young to be married, too young to have to deal with this nonsense. I know about Eunhyuk and you’re parents shouldn’t have done what they did. But, there’s nothing you can do anymore. Don’t get stuck here. Don’t hurt yourself. Go home. Go to Jessica.”
Donghae blinks. He doesn’t understand. Is it possible to love two people at once? Is it possible to be married to one and still be around the other? Is it possible to have a Jungsu and a JanMi?
“I don’t love her.” Donghae says.
“I know you don’t, but she’s your wife. You agreed to marry her and you owe her respect.”
***
Donghae goes home that night, but he’s back the next one. Yesung and Leeteuk are gone and when Kangin comes around, he hides. He doesn’t want to be the one to give the bad news.
Donghae doesn’t know what happens to Kangin because he runs into Hankyung.
“Hello.” He says wondering why he’s so nervous. “I’m Donghae.”
“Hello Donghae. I’m Hankyung.”
The accent is smooth and rich. The voice is soft, but so very perfect. It draws Donghae in, draws him in and he finds himself handing over his card to someone. The next thing he knows he’s lying down on his back looking up at Hankyung.
There are words exchanged but Donghae doesn’t remember them. There is something intoxicating about the man who is currently moving above him, touching him, driving him crazy. There is something different, something that makes Donghae feel like he’s flying, floating. He doesn’t know what it is, but he doesn’t care, because he has always wanted to feel this, to be free, like this.
When it’s over he gets up and leaves. He leaves because he doesn’t want to ruin the moment by talking. He goes home and doesn’t say a word to Jessica. He gets up the next morning sore and still dizzy from everything that happened.
He doesn’t talk to Jessica, just goes back again that night. He goes back that night and the nights after and he isn’t sure when he becomes obsessed. It starts off nice and simple. He thinks he’s in love at first. He tells Hankyung and Hankyung hugs him, but doesn’t say anything back.
That might be what starts it. Donghae finds himself back at the club every night. He forgets that he promised Yesung that he’d never go back. Yesung is too far to watch him anyway. He’s in America with Leeteuk and his wife and son.
He can’t see Hankyung every night because there is always someone waiting for Hankyung. Donghae has to sit and watch sometimes, just sit and watch as Hankyung dances and watch as he goes upstairs with a different man each day. Because he doesn’t know when it’ll be his turn, he keeps going back. He goes back and since he can’t just sit there, he starts with the alcohol.
At first that is enough to keep away the bile that builds up whenever he sees Hankyung laugh and walk away with another man. It’s enough at first, but when that isn’t enough he accepts the offer of the bartender. He takes the cigarette and that cigarette is like Hankyung. It’s nice at first because he relaxes and forgets, but when he finally opens his eyes, it’s too late. He’s already obsessed.
***
One night he goes to Hankyung completely drunk and more than likely also high. He can’t even remember what happened or if it was good, because suddenly he’s not at the club but back at home. He can’t make up from down and he sits down on the floor.
“Donghae.” Jessica says when she sees him lying down in the hallway. “Donghae, you have to stop. You’re…whatever you’re doing, stop. It’s going to kill you, please.”
Donghae doesn’t want to hear this. He gets up and the room spins so much that he finds himself slumped against the wall.
“I don’t want to hear you right now.” Donghae says surprised at how slurred his words come out.
“Donghae, stop it. I’ve…it’s enough. Whatever I did wrong…just, stop it!”
They argue because Jessica isn’t timid and she talks back.
“Will you just shut up?!” Donghae yells finally.
But, Jessica doesn’t and it’s in a haze of anger that he turns around and slaps her.
The silence that follows is almost too loud because Donghae would never hit her. They’re best friends and he doesn’t know where it all went so wrong. Jessica doesn’t cry but Donghae can see the way the tears pool behind those big brown eyes. She says nothing, but she leaves and he sleeps alone that night.
***
He hasn’t seen the outside world in a week.
Jessica talked to his parents and his mother locked him up in the house. It’s been a week and he’s almost delirious. He needs to get out. He needs to see Hankyung, to get to that club. His need for the alcohol, for the drugs, it translate into need for Hankyung.
It’s a spiral of darkness, a hunger that eats away at him, that leaves him craving more. He’s shaking, wanting, so very hungry. He wants to go back, wants to feel it again. He is in love. He has to be. He has to be in love because Hankyung is addicting, warm, caring. Hankyung is like his drug and he needs his fix.
He can’t be home, can’t be locked up. He doesn’t know if it’s the alcohol or the things they gave him after, but he’s trembling, crying. He wants something, wants release in some way. He needs it, needs it and the ache is so real and he wants to just end the pain but he doesn’t know how.
Jessica is the first to leave. Donghae expected that. He knows he shouldn’t have. He should have never touched her because she was always there and because she used to love him. When he signs the papers that set her free she cries. It breaks Donghae’s heart because he has to watch the person who loved him for real walk away.
He goes back to his room and tries to wait it out. He can’t leave. He’s being watched so carefully because his mother never jokes about these things. There is a doctor who comes to see him and Donghae thinks he’s going crazy. He can barely think, can’t remember what he wanted to say and it is only when the doctor is leaving that he remembers.
“Eunhyuk.”
“I’m sorry.” The doctor asks turning around.
“I want to see Eunhyuk. Please.” Donghae says remembering to add the last part.
There is this part of him that is still hoping that he can get word to Hankyung. He knows Eunhyuk will do it because they’re best friends and Eunhyuk and him were almost more than that once.
“Why do you want to see Eunhyuk?” The doctor asks.
Donghae turns wild brown eyes to him. “He’s my friend.”
The doctor nods. “I’ll see what I can do.”
***
Eunhyuk comes. Donghae knows that what he has is bad because his mother actually lets Eunhyuk come. He knows he should be scared, but he can’t bring himself to be, not now when there is someone who can come and go as he pleases. Not now when Eunhyuk can help him get to Hankyung.
The doctor leaves them alone and Donghae goes over quickly.
“Eunhyuk, help me.”
Eunhyuk bites his lip and Donghae doesn’t understand the tears behind those eyes. They remind him of Jessica and what he did to her.
“Hyukkie?”
“I’m sorry.” Eunhyuk says hugging Donghae. “I didn’t know you were like this. I should have been here. I’m so sorry Donghae.”
Donghae is surprised at the affection, at the shaking from Eunhyuk. He is surprised but he has something to do. Eunhyuk has something he wants and Donghae needs it. Eunhyuk has freedom and Eunhyuk can go outside.
“Hyukkie, please…I need…Hankyung.”
Donghae can barely talk now. He doesn’t know if it’s the emotion or the withdrawal symptoms again. He just knows that it’s hard again, that he can’t see straight, that he’s starting to hyperventilate.
“Hae, I’m not going to get Hankyung.”
“Please.” Donghae says grabbing onto Eunhyuk’s arms. “Please. I need to get to him. Please.”
Eunhyuk looks at him. “Oh, Hae what happened to you?”
Donghae wants to say that he is fine, that there is nothing wrong, that he’s okay. He wants to but all he does is grab Eunhyuk and cry into his shoulder. He knows he isn’t fine. He knows because he made Eunhyuk cry and Eunhyuk isn’t supposed to cry. Eunhyuk murmurs comforting words into his hair and holds him until Donghae stops shaking.
“I’m so sorry.” Donghae says over and over and he isn’t sure if he means just Eunhyuk or everyone else too.
***
Eunhyuk comes back because after that first time the doctor says Donghae calmed down significantly. Donghae takes that to his advantage and behaves. He needs Eunhyuk to come because when Eunhyuk is there he feels better.
One day it comes to the point where Eunhyuk is spending more time in Donghae’s room than at his own apartment. That day Donghae’s mother hands Eunhyuk the keys to the house and walks away. It’s clear to Donghae what she’s saying and he is okay because if Eunhyuk is here then everything is okay.
“What do you suppose she wants me to do with these?” Eunhyuk asks looking at the keys as he takes a seat on the bed.
Donghae is sitting on the floor because the world spins less if he’s there.
“I don’t know.” Donghae says leaning his head against the wall and closing his eyes. “Maybe she wants you to move in with me. You spend more time here than home anyway.”
Donghae is proud because his voice doesn’t shake like it did in the beginning and he isn’t as nervous anymore.
“Ew, here with you?”
“I want you here.”
When Eunhyuk doesn’t say anything Donghae opens his eyes and is shocked to see that Eunhyuk is crying. He gets up a bit too fast and has to take as second for the world to settle again. When it does he goes over to bed and takes Eunhyuk’s face in his hands.
“What’s wrong? Hyukkie, what’s wrong?”
Eunhyuk shakes his head and tries to move away but Donghae doesn’t let him.
“What wrong Eunhyuk? What did I do?”
“Nothing.” Eunhyuk says. “I’m sorry. It’s stupid. I shouldn’t have…I’m sorry.”
“Don’t say that it’s nothing. Tell me. Please.” Donghae says because he doesn’t want anyone and least of all Eunhyuk to cry.
“Promise you won’t ever say it again.” Eunhyuk whispers looking up at Donghae.
Donghae is confused for a second, but it’s only a second. It takes that second, this moment, all the pain he’s been in, all of that for him to finally realize why Eunhyuk always cried.
“Hyukjae,” Donghae breathes.
He’s never called Eunhyuk by his real name ever. They’ve always been Eunhyuk and Donghae, but this is real and if it’s real then Donghae wants everything to be real.
“Hyukkie, I…”
Eunhyuk is crying again and Donghae doesn’t know what to do to make him stop.
“Donghae, I love you.” Eunhyuk says before Donghae can say what he was thinking.
Donghae doesn’t understand much at that point. All that he hears are the words, the words he’s wanted someone to say to him ever since he sunk this low. It’s probably the surprise, the surprise at knowing that someone loves him, like this, that makes him lean down and kiss Eunhyuk.
It’s probably just surprise and this desperate need that makes him push forward when Eunhyuk responds. He doesn’t know how they end up tangled together in bed, but they do. They do and Donghae finds it so easy to lose himself in Eunhyuk’s sighs and moans. He finds it so easy to let go and forget.
There are nights when Donghae wakes up screaming Hankyung’s name. When that happens Eunhyuk just takes his hand and inches closer to him. Donghae can go back to sleep because when Eunhyuk is in his arms there is no Hankyung.
There are also nights when Donghae is afraid to go to sleep. He has nightmares. He dreams things and they scare him. On nights like those Eunhyuk stays awake with him, they talk, they make love. They do everything but sleep and when it’s time to finally sleep, Eunhyuk always makes sure that Donghae goes to sleep first.
It takes a long time, a very long time, almost too long Donghae thinks, but they make it. They, because Eunhyuk is there with him. Eunhyuk never lets him go. Eunhyuk hold his hand when Donghae feels like he’s going to go crazy. Eunhyuk sits with him. Eunhyuk lets him cry into his lap when he can’t take the pain anymore.
Eunhyuk is the first person who he sees him at his very worst and still loves him.
Donghae knew, the minute Eunhyuk confessed, that things were going to end this way. He knew and he isn’t disappointed or sad or scared. When he gets up, when his mind is clear, when he is better, when he is okay, then, then he knows that he always loved Eunhyuk.
***
They go to the party because Heechul invited them and because Donghae and Eunhyuk love dancing. It’s okay to go because Donghae has control over his life again. It is okay because he hasn’t been sick in years and because Eunhyuk is there.
“Hyukkie, what are you wearing?” Donghae asks as he goes through his things. “I don’t want to be a fish again.”
“Why not?” Eunhyuk calls back. “Fish are friends, not food.”
“How does that make sense to you? What does that have to do with the costume party?”
“I don’t know. I just remembered that you loved that movie.” Eunhyuk says coming back into their room. “Why don’t we go as dancers?”
“Dancers?” Donghae asks pulling Eunhyuk into his arms. “But, I hate dancers.”
“I bet you hated dancers when you signed up for that dance school with me, huh? You hated dancers when we moved in together too right?”
“Yes.” Donghae nods likes he’s serious. “Yes, I hate dancers. They think they’re so good at dancing.”
Eunhyuk laughs. “I can’t believe I’m still with you. You’re crazy.”
Donghae laughs too because that word isn’t scary anymore.
“You know.” He says burying his head in Eunhyuk’s neck. “If we go as dancers then we have time, a lot of it.”
“Dancers it is.” Eunhyuk gasps as Donghae bits down on his neck.
***
They make it to the party early and Donghae notices the worry in Eunhyuk’s eyes. The party isn’t innocent. There is beer and soju.
“It’s okay.” Donghae says. “I have you here with me. I love you. I would never do anything to hurt this.”
“You better not.” Eunhyuk says as he walks off a little to see what they have in the next room.
They’ve been to other parties before. Donghae has had the alcohol so close. He’s drunk some too, but he has control. Even after all those parties though, even after he proved to himself that he could do it, even after that, Eunhyuk still worries. Donghae isn’t sure if Eunhyuk will ever stop worrying, but he’s just glad that he has something who loves him and who worries and that he can worry too.
“What do you want to do?” Eunhyuk asks coming back. “Drink? Food? Or dance?”
Donghae pretends to consider it, but it’s this hesitation that paves the way for what happens next.
“Hello dongsaengs.” Heechul says pulling over Zhou Mi who is in turn holding someone else’s hand.
“Hello.” Eunhyuk says but Donghae can’t speak.
“This is Hankyung.” Heechul says pulling Hankyung forward.
Hankyung.
Donghae looks at him, almost panics, but Eunhyuk takes his hand and Donghae holds onto that. He looks at Hankyung waiting for some sort of recognition. He sees nothing and he can’t help the sadness. Hankyung was a part of his life, was something big that he had trouble getting rid of. He is sad because he thought that maybe he had been as a big a part of Hankyung’s life.
“Hello hyung.” Donghae answers and Eunhyuk smiles.
“Nice to meet you.” Hankyung says in that soft accented voice that sparks so much memory.
“It was nice meeting you too hyung.” Eunhyuk says.
“I want to dance.” Donghae says because he is afraid for a moment.
Eunhyuk notices that something is wrong and they say goodbye. Donghae looks back. He has to look back because he is afraid. He is afraid that he might still be sick. He is afraid that maybe Hankyung is a trigger and that he’s going to go back to how he was before.
But, it doesn’t happen.
“Hae, are you okay?” Eunhyuk asks him as they walk to the dance floor.
Donghae turns away and looks at Eunhyuk. “I’m okay.”
Eunhyuk takes his hand and they hug. It’s safe and Donghae knows that he really is okay because Eunhyuk is here and because he loves Eunhyuk. It’s okay because when it was dark there was Eunhyuk. It’s okay because what he feels now isn’t wild and out of control. What he feels now is gentle, soft, so soft, soft like velvet.
A/N: *flops* I think I have a masochistic streak in me. Look at this! Look at it! And the worst part is I am now so calm and mellow after doing this to the poor babies. *face palms* Anyway...yeah...this is not a happy AU huh? =/ I can't help it! The AU does what it wants!
Pairing: EunHae, Donghae/Jessica, HanHae, side: KangTeuk, Yesung/Janmi(ooc) and ninja!YeTeuk
Genre: serious angst, AU
Rating: R (themes)
Warnings: Drug and alcohol addiction.
Summary: Donghae doesn't know how his life spiraled so out of control, doesn't know if he can get it back on track, but there is Eunhyuk, there is always Eunhyuk.
A/N: ANNIE! Look what I did! I said I was going to write you some nice HanHae and look what I went and did. I wrote angst and it's sad and angsty Hanhae and OMG what did I do to poor Hae baby! *hugs Donghae forever* I don't know how this happened. =/ I was going to write this cute story and BAM next thing you know I am three pages into this angst story and it kept going and going and going until it became 4,422 words of sad, bad hanhae and angsty Eunhae. And then I went and added poor Jessica =/ Anyway, please read the warning before reading this fic. Thank you.
There are two ways to end up there in that club. You have either been let down or you're married and looking for release.
Donghae is married. He's married to a young girl, a sweet blond who loves him and whose name is Jessica. He knows Jessica loves him because she agreed to marry him, and because she shows him. She's never said it out loud, but Donghae knows. He can tell from the way she laughs for him, cares for him, watches him.
But, she's just a child. They both are. Donghae is nineteen and married to an eighteen year old. He is nineteen and he has been forced to marry her because his parents don't think it's right to feel what Donghae feels.
He realizes he is not going to be able to make his parents happy when he kisses his best friend. He is sixteen years old and he does it because he loves Eunhyuk’s soft white milky skin and his red lips. He does it and he likes it and he knows then that he will never be able to make his parents happy. He knows because Eunhyuk kisses him back.
“I love him.”
That is what he tells his parents when they ask him why Eunhyuk is half naked and in his bed. He can never forget the horror on their faces, the tears in his mother’s eyes, the disappointment. He is small and scared and he does what they tell him to do because he can’t bear those looks and he is afraid.
His mother kicks Eunhyuk out of the house. She forbids Donghae to ever see him again and then she introduces Jessica. Donghae likes Jessica because she is sweet and nice and she makes him laugh. She is a bit full of herself in the beginning and when Donghae tells her that she bites him.
Literally.
Donghae doesn't stop seeing Eunhyuk. He can't. He can't because Eunhyuk reaffirms what he knew ever since that day he kissed Eunhyuk. Nothing more happens between them after that and even Eunhyuk likes Jessica. The three of them have fun together; have fun together until Donghae's father makes the announcement.
"You and Jessica are getting married."
Donghae says nothing because there is nothing to say. He likes Jessica because she has this way of saying "oppa" that makes her sound like a petulant child and Donghae loves it. He understands why Jessica cries when her parents tell her the news. He understands because Jessica doesn't love him. Jessica is in love with this dancer and she had hoped that he would notice her.
He never did and now she has to marry Donghae.
They get married and Eunhyuk goes to the wedding. Donghae doesn't understand the sad look in those eyes. He doesn't understand why Eunhyuk cries as he hugs them both. He doesn't get why Eunhyuk suddenly can't bear to look at him or Jessica.
Their wedding night is supposed to be magical. All wedding nights are supposed to be. This one isn't. Donghae looks at Jessica and she looks at him and Jessica breaks first. She sobs into his shoulder and Donghae holds her until she calms down. They go to sleep holding each other like the best friends they are.
***
Jessica is the first to resign herself. They've been married for a year when she tells him he loves him. Donghae doesn't know what to do so he leaves her there and goes to Eunhyuk. They drink or more like Donghae drinks and Eunhyuk listens. Donghae falls asleep on Eunhyuk's lap and he wakes the next morning holding Eunhyuk's hand. Even then he doesn't understand why Eunhyuk looks so sad as he leaves.
***
He ends up at the club because Yesung hyung has a friend there. Jungsu is nice and cute and he makes Donghae smile. Jungsu coos over him. It's natural since Donghae is barely nineteen. Donghae doesn't understand why Yesung is so protective of Jungsu until he sees them together.
Jungsu is Leeteuk at the club. They ask for Leeteuk, all those men. But, there is one man that keeps coming for Leeteuk. His name is Kangin and Donghae doesn't miss the looks he and Jungsu exchange. Donghae understands why Yesung is so protective when one day he sees Hankyung.
They call him Hankyung, but he is Chinese and Donghae knows he must have another name. Hankyung dances with wild abandon, like he belongs on that stage, like he owns them all. It isn't intentional. Donghae can tell that much, but it is captivating and intoxicating all the same.
It starts out as admiration. He comes to the club because Yesung wanted him to meet Leeteuk who is in love with Kangin. Donghae has met Leeteuk and he keeps going back because he has to see Hankyung dance. He pays no one for anything. Jessica is still back home and he owes her respect. They are married after all and she loves him.
When he mentions Hankyung to Eunhyuk, Eunhyuk walks away. He comes back eyes red but smiling. Donghae can't understand why Eunhyuk cried and when he asks about it, Eunhyuk just laughs. He leaves that night confused and when he gets home Jessica has already cooked him food. He eats with her then says that he is going out. He knows she doesn't like it, but they are no more husband and wife than they were that first night.
That night Yesung is there. He and Leeteuk are sitting at the bar. If Donghae is right then Kangin should be coming in maybe thirty minutes.
"You have to help me Yesung." Leeteuk is saying when Donghae goes up to them.
"He makes you happy." Yesung says sounding reasonable and old.
"I can't." Leeteuk says. "You know I can't. What would we do? His parents. He has so much going for him. I can't be the cause of his pain. They won't accept me and they won't accept us. He's young."
"You're young." Donghae says because he knows what's going on.
"I'm older than him and I am older than him in years and experience."
"You love him." Yesung says.
Leeteuk doesn't deny it and Donghae sees the hurt in Yesung's eyes. He understands because he knows what it's like. Hankyung is intoxicating, mesmerizing and Donghae knows he can fall in love if he wants to. He might already be in love with the dancer that is moving on stage.
He has Jessica, yes, but Yesung has a wife and a three year old and Yesung loves Leeteuk. That is Donghae's first impression until he asks.
"Are you sure you want to leave?" Yesung asks.
Leeteuk nods.
"Then come to America with me. It's only for a while, three years until JanMi and I decide to come back."
JanMi is Yesung's wife. She is American, a pretty non-Korean brunette who gave up her American name for her given Korean one. Her parents sent her to Korea when she was 18 and she married Yesung after three years of dating. Now, they had an adorable son named Ryeowook.
JanMi was sweet and it bothered Donghae that Yesung was in love with Leeteuk. He waited, said nothing. He would talk to Yesung soon.
"One last night." Leeteuk said.
“One last night.” Yesung agrees placing a hand on Leeteuk’s shoulder.
“Teukie!”
Donghae turns first. There is the man named Kangin. Donghae doesn’t know what to make of him. Leeteuk loves him so he supposes that this man is good and kind. It is when Leeteuk stands up and takes Kangin’s hand that Donghae realizes why Leeteuk loves Kangin. He sees it in the way they walk off together, in the way Kangin looks at Leeteuk hyung. It is clear as day; Kangin loves Leeteuk.
“Go home Donghae.” Yesung says once Leeteuk is gone. “You shouldn’t come here so often. Jessica doesn’t deserve this.”
“That’s funny hyung.” Donghae says because this is his night.
This is the night he set aside. He has picked this night to finally do what he has wanted to do. He has been waiting to talk to Hankyung for so long. Donghae knows it is not okay to be here. He knows that Jessica does deserve better. He knows that if his parents ever found out, he would never be able to come back. So, he knows his parents can’t find out. He knows Jessica can’t find out and he knows that Yesung can’t say anything.
“Why is it funny Hae?” Yesung asks sounding tired.
“When were you planning to tell JanMi?”
“Tell her what? That Jungsu is coming with us?”
“When were you going to tell her about how you love Jungsu hyung?”
Yesung stares at him and Donghae thinks he won until Yesung shakes his head and opens his mouth again.
“I love Jungsu, but I love JanMi more than you could ever possibly know Donghae. You have no idea what it’s like. You’re too young to know what it’s like to love. You’re too young to be married, too young to have to deal with this nonsense. I know about Eunhyuk and you’re parents shouldn’t have done what they did. But, there’s nothing you can do anymore. Don’t get stuck here. Don’t hurt yourself. Go home. Go to Jessica.”
Donghae blinks. He doesn’t understand. Is it possible to love two people at once? Is it possible to be married to one and still be around the other? Is it possible to have a Jungsu and a JanMi?
“I don’t love her.” Donghae says.
“I know you don’t, but she’s your wife. You agreed to marry her and you owe her respect.”
***
Donghae goes home that night, but he’s back the next one. Yesung and Leeteuk are gone and when Kangin comes around, he hides. He doesn’t want to be the one to give the bad news.
Donghae doesn’t know what happens to Kangin because he runs into Hankyung.
“Hello.” He says wondering why he’s so nervous. “I’m Donghae.”
“Hello Donghae. I’m Hankyung.”
The accent is smooth and rich. The voice is soft, but so very perfect. It draws Donghae in, draws him in and he finds himself handing over his card to someone. The next thing he knows he’s lying down on his back looking up at Hankyung.
There are words exchanged but Donghae doesn’t remember them. There is something intoxicating about the man who is currently moving above him, touching him, driving him crazy. There is something different, something that makes Donghae feel like he’s flying, floating. He doesn’t know what it is, but he doesn’t care, because he has always wanted to feel this, to be free, like this.
When it’s over he gets up and leaves. He leaves because he doesn’t want to ruin the moment by talking. He goes home and doesn’t say a word to Jessica. He gets up the next morning sore and still dizzy from everything that happened.
He doesn’t talk to Jessica, just goes back again that night. He goes back that night and the nights after and he isn’t sure when he becomes obsessed. It starts off nice and simple. He thinks he’s in love at first. He tells Hankyung and Hankyung hugs him, but doesn’t say anything back.
That might be what starts it. Donghae finds himself back at the club every night. He forgets that he promised Yesung that he’d never go back. Yesung is too far to watch him anyway. He’s in America with Leeteuk and his wife and son.
He can’t see Hankyung every night because there is always someone waiting for Hankyung. Donghae has to sit and watch sometimes, just sit and watch as Hankyung dances and watch as he goes upstairs with a different man each day. Because he doesn’t know when it’ll be his turn, he keeps going back. He goes back and since he can’t just sit there, he starts with the alcohol.
At first that is enough to keep away the bile that builds up whenever he sees Hankyung laugh and walk away with another man. It’s enough at first, but when that isn’t enough he accepts the offer of the bartender. He takes the cigarette and that cigarette is like Hankyung. It’s nice at first because he relaxes and forgets, but when he finally opens his eyes, it’s too late. He’s already obsessed.
***
One night he goes to Hankyung completely drunk and more than likely also high. He can’t even remember what happened or if it was good, because suddenly he’s not at the club but back at home. He can’t make up from down and he sits down on the floor.
“Donghae.” Jessica says when she sees him lying down in the hallway. “Donghae, you have to stop. You’re…whatever you’re doing, stop. It’s going to kill you, please.”
Donghae doesn’t want to hear this. He gets up and the room spins so much that he finds himself slumped against the wall.
“I don’t want to hear you right now.” Donghae says surprised at how slurred his words come out.
“Donghae, stop it. I’ve…it’s enough. Whatever I did wrong…just, stop it!”
They argue because Jessica isn’t timid and she talks back.
“Will you just shut up?!” Donghae yells finally.
But, Jessica doesn’t and it’s in a haze of anger that he turns around and slaps her.
The silence that follows is almost too loud because Donghae would never hit her. They’re best friends and he doesn’t know where it all went so wrong. Jessica doesn’t cry but Donghae can see the way the tears pool behind those big brown eyes. She says nothing, but she leaves and he sleeps alone that night.
***
He hasn’t seen the outside world in a week.
Jessica talked to his parents and his mother locked him up in the house. It’s been a week and he’s almost delirious. He needs to get out. He needs to see Hankyung, to get to that club. His need for the alcohol, for the drugs, it translate into need for Hankyung.
It’s a spiral of darkness, a hunger that eats away at him, that leaves him craving more. He’s shaking, wanting, so very hungry. He wants to go back, wants to feel it again. He is in love. He has to be. He has to be in love because Hankyung is addicting, warm, caring. Hankyung is like his drug and he needs his fix.
He can’t be home, can’t be locked up. He doesn’t know if it’s the alcohol or the things they gave him after, but he’s trembling, crying. He wants something, wants release in some way. He needs it, needs it and the ache is so real and he wants to just end the pain but he doesn’t know how.
Jessica is the first to leave. Donghae expected that. He knows he shouldn’t have. He should have never touched her because she was always there and because she used to love him. When he signs the papers that set her free she cries. It breaks Donghae’s heart because he has to watch the person who loved him for real walk away.
He goes back to his room and tries to wait it out. He can’t leave. He’s being watched so carefully because his mother never jokes about these things. There is a doctor who comes to see him and Donghae thinks he’s going crazy. He can barely think, can’t remember what he wanted to say and it is only when the doctor is leaving that he remembers.
“Eunhyuk.”
“I’m sorry.” The doctor asks turning around.
“I want to see Eunhyuk. Please.” Donghae says remembering to add the last part.
There is this part of him that is still hoping that he can get word to Hankyung. He knows Eunhyuk will do it because they’re best friends and Eunhyuk and him were almost more than that once.
“Why do you want to see Eunhyuk?” The doctor asks.
Donghae turns wild brown eyes to him. “He’s my friend.”
The doctor nods. “I’ll see what I can do.”
***
Eunhyuk comes. Donghae knows that what he has is bad because his mother actually lets Eunhyuk come. He knows he should be scared, but he can’t bring himself to be, not now when there is someone who can come and go as he pleases. Not now when Eunhyuk can help him get to Hankyung.
The doctor leaves them alone and Donghae goes over quickly.
“Eunhyuk, help me.”
Eunhyuk bites his lip and Donghae doesn’t understand the tears behind those eyes. They remind him of Jessica and what he did to her.
“Hyukkie?”
“I’m sorry.” Eunhyuk says hugging Donghae. “I didn’t know you were like this. I should have been here. I’m so sorry Donghae.”
Donghae is surprised at the affection, at the shaking from Eunhyuk. He is surprised but he has something to do. Eunhyuk has something he wants and Donghae needs it. Eunhyuk has freedom and Eunhyuk can go outside.
“Hyukkie, please…I need…Hankyung.”
Donghae can barely talk now. He doesn’t know if it’s the emotion or the withdrawal symptoms again. He just knows that it’s hard again, that he can’t see straight, that he’s starting to hyperventilate.
“Hae, I’m not going to get Hankyung.”
“Please.” Donghae says grabbing onto Eunhyuk’s arms. “Please. I need to get to him. Please.”
Eunhyuk looks at him. “Oh, Hae what happened to you?”
Donghae wants to say that he is fine, that there is nothing wrong, that he’s okay. He wants to but all he does is grab Eunhyuk and cry into his shoulder. He knows he isn’t fine. He knows because he made Eunhyuk cry and Eunhyuk isn’t supposed to cry. Eunhyuk murmurs comforting words into his hair and holds him until Donghae stops shaking.
“I’m so sorry.” Donghae says over and over and he isn’t sure if he means just Eunhyuk or everyone else too.
***
Eunhyuk comes back because after that first time the doctor says Donghae calmed down significantly. Donghae takes that to his advantage and behaves. He needs Eunhyuk to come because when Eunhyuk is there he feels better.
One day it comes to the point where Eunhyuk is spending more time in Donghae’s room than at his own apartment. That day Donghae’s mother hands Eunhyuk the keys to the house and walks away. It’s clear to Donghae what she’s saying and he is okay because if Eunhyuk is here then everything is okay.
“What do you suppose she wants me to do with these?” Eunhyuk asks looking at the keys as he takes a seat on the bed.
Donghae is sitting on the floor because the world spins less if he’s there.
“I don’t know.” Donghae says leaning his head against the wall and closing his eyes. “Maybe she wants you to move in with me. You spend more time here than home anyway.”
Donghae is proud because his voice doesn’t shake like it did in the beginning and he isn’t as nervous anymore.
“Ew, here with you?”
“I want you here.”
When Eunhyuk doesn’t say anything Donghae opens his eyes and is shocked to see that Eunhyuk is crying. He gets up a bit too fast and has to take as second for the world to settle again. When it does he goes over to bed and takes Eunhyuk’s face in his hands.
“What’s wrong? Hyukkie, what’s wrong?”
Eunhyuk shakes his head and tries to move away but Donghae doesn’t let him.
“What wrong Eunhyuk? What did I do?”
“Nothing.” Eunhyuk says. “I’m sorry. It’s stupid. I shouldn’t have…I’m sorry.”
“Don’t say that it’s nothing. Tell me. Please.” Donghae says because he doesn’t want anyone and least of all Eunhyuk to cry.
“Promise you won’t ever say it again.” Eunhyuk whispers looking up at Donghae.
Donghae is confused for a second, but it’s only a second. It takes that second, this moment, all the pain he’s been in, all of that for him to finally realize why Eunhyuk always cried.
“Hyukjae,” Donghae breathes.
He’s never called Eunhyuk by his real name ever. They’ve always been Eunhyuk and Donghae, but this is real and if it’s real then Donghae wants everything to be real.
“Hyukkie, I…”
Eunhyuk is crying again and Donghae doesn’t know what to do to make him stop.
“Donghae, I love you.” Eunhyuk says before Donghae can say what he was thinking.
Donghae doesn’t understand much at that point. All that he hears are the words, the words he’s wanted someone to say to him ever since he sunk this low. It’s probably the surprise, the surprise at knowing that someone loves him, like this, that makes him lean down and kiss Eunhyuk.
It’s probably just surprise and this desperate need that makes him push forward when Eunhyuk responds. He doesn’t know how they end up tangled together in bed, but they do. They do and Donghae finds it so easy to lose himself in Eunhyuk’s sighs and moans. He finds it so easy to let go and forget.
There are nights when Donghae wakes up screaming Hankyung’s name. When that happens Eunhyuk just takes his hand and inches closer to him. Donghae can go back to sleep because when Eunhyuk is in his arms there is no Hankyung.
There are also nights when Donghae is afraid to go to sleep. He has nightmares. He dreams things and they scare him. On nights like those Eunhyuk stays awake with him, they talk, they make love. They do everything but sleep and when it’s time to finally sleep, Eunhyuk always makes sure that Donghae goes to sleep first.
It takes a long time, a very long time, almost too long Donghae thinks, but they make it. They, because Eunhyuk is there with him. Eunhyuk never lets him go. Eunhyuk hold his hand when Donghae feels like he’s going to go crazy. Eunhyuk sits with him. Eunhyuk lets him cry into his lap when he can’t take the pain anymore.
Eunhyuk is the first person who he sees him at his very worst and still loves him.
Donghae knew, the minute Eunhyuk confessed, that things were going to end this way. He knew and he isn’t disappointed or sad or scared. When he gets up, when his mind is clear, when he is better, when he is okay, then, then he knows that he always loved Eunhyuk.
***
They go to the party because Heechul invited them and because Donghae and Eunhyuk love dancing. It’s okay to go because Donghae has control over his life again. It is okay because he hasn’t been sick in years and because Eunhyuk is there.
“Hyukkie, what are you wearing?” Donghae asks as he goes through his things. “I don’t want to be a fish again.”
“Why not?” Eunhyuk calls back. “Fish are friends, not food.”
“How does that make sense to you? What does that have to do with the costume party?”
“I don’t know. I just remembered that you loved that movie.” Eunhyuk says coming back into their room. “Why don’t we go as dancers?”
“Dancers?” Donghae asks pulling Eunhyuk into his arms. “But, I hate dancers.”
“I bet you hated dancers when you signed up for that dance school with me, huh? You hated dancers when we moved in together too right?”
“Yes.” Donghae nods likes he’s serious. “Yes, I hate dancers. They think they’re so good at dancing.”
Eunhyuk laughs. “I can’t believe I’m still with you. You’re crazy.”
Donghae laughs too because that word isn’t scary anymore.
“You know.” He says burying his head in Eunhyuk’s neck. “If we go as dancers then we have time, a lot of it.”
“Dancers it is.” Eunhyuk gasps as Donghae bits down on his neck.
***
They make it to the party early and Donghae notices the worry in Eunhyuk’s eyes. The party isn’t innocent. There is beer and soju.
“It’s okay.” Donghae says. “I have you here with me. I love you. I would never do anything to hurt this.”
“You better not.” Eunhyuk says as he walks off a little to see what they have in the next room.
They’ve been to other parties before. Donghae has had the alcohol so close. He’s drunk some too, but he has control. Even after all those parties though, even after he proved to himself that he could do it, even after that, Eunhyuk still worries. Donghae isn’t sure if Eunhyuk will ever stop worrying, but he’s just glad that he has something who loves him and who worries and that he can worry too.
“What do you want to do?” Eunhyuk asks coming back. “Drink? Food? Or dance?”
Donghae pretends to consider it, but it’s this hesitation that paves the way for what happens next.
“Hello dongsaengs.” Heechul says pulling over Zhou Mi who is in turn holding someone else’s hand.
“Hello.” Eunhyuk says but Donghae can’t speak.
“This is Hankyung.” Heechul says pulling Hankyung forward.
Hankyung.
Donghae looks at him, almost panics, but Eunhyuk takes his hand and Donghae holds onto that. He looks at Hankyung waiting for some sort of recognition. He sees nothing and he can’t help the sadness. Hankyung was a part of his life, was something big that he had trouble getting rid of. He is sad because he thought that maybe he had been as a big a part of Hankyung’s life.
“Hello hyung.” Donghae answers and Eunhyuk smiles.
“Nice to meet you.” Hankyung says in that soft accented voice that sparks so much memory.
“It was nice meeting you too hyung.” Eunhyuk says.
“I want to dance.” Donghae says because he is afraid for a moment.
Eunhyuk notices that something is wrong and they say goodbye. Donghae looks back. He has to look back because he is afraid. He is afraid that he might still be sick. He is afraid that maybe Hankyung is a trigger and that he’s going to go back to how he was before.
But, it doesn’t happen.
“Hae, are you okay?” Eunhyuk asks him as they walk to the dance floor.
Donghae turns away and looks at Eunhyuk. “I’m okay.”
Eunhyuk takes his hand and they hug. It’s safe and Donghae knows that he really is okay because Eunhyuk is here and because he loves Eunhyuk. It’s okay because when it was dark there was Eunhyuk. It’s okay because what he feels now isn’t wild and out of control. What he feels now is gentle, soft, so soft, soft like velvet.
A/N: *flops* I think I have a masochistic streak in me. Look at this! Look at it! And the worst part is I am now so calm and mellow after doing this to the poor babies. *face palms* Anyway...yeah...this is not a happy AU huh? =/ I can't help it! The AU does what it wants!
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Tears streaming down my face, red, swollen eyes, dry mouth, chapped lips, runny nose, sobbing and heavy breathing. That's exactly what you did to me. But no, ofcourse I don't hate you and I never will because I love you and you know it. And it's also my fault because I'm a crybaby and when it comes to Eunhae it's twice as worse. And although throughout the whole thing I kept convincing myself it's just a fic and it's not real it didn't help a bit and I couldn't hold it. I swear my heart was broken into million pieces and for a moment you made me hate Hankyung but then... Eunhyuk, the strong baby! He was so sweet and understanding and although he suffered he didn't let it out not to hurt Donghae and just smiled to cover it up. And fuck, he was such a loyal friend and he was always there for him, to help him, listen to him, comfort him and shit, I think I'm going to cry again. And the Eunhae and their precious love... And Eunhyuk again! Accepting the Hanhae thing, sleeping by Donghae's side and holding his hand... I totally love him in this story which I can't say about Donghae for the obvious reason. I hate angst but gosh, this was just all so emotional and full of feelings and now lemme eat some chocolate and listen to my lovely Coldplay that always cheer me up so much.
I ♥ YOU
*/cuddles you*
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Go learn *pulls you into my lap and doesn't let you* <3
I made you cry! *hugs you* O: OH NO! I love you too! jdsjjhfjska I don't know what happened. I was going to make it so nice and fluffy but look what I did. Do you remember that last one, the one with Donghae trying to jump off that cliff ARGH why can't I write fluffy EUNHAE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know. But, Hankyung was doing what he was paid to do. He didn't know. *cuddles HanGeng* And yes Eunhyuk was so brave and strong and he deserved to be happy and I felt so bad for him because Hae took so long. Poor Hyukkie! *cuddles him too*
ARGH I HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER!!!!!!!!! *gives you cookies*
I love you <333333333333
I promise to write you Eunhae fluff to make up for this!