static_abyss (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
static_abyss) wrote2010-12-06 08:51 pm
static_abyss) wrote2010-12-06 08:51 pm
Free
Title: Free
Pairing: Eunhae (hyukhae)
Genre: Romance, angst
Rating: R (attempted suicide)
Note: This is for![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
tees2mai who requested this a while ago.
A/N: Sotees2mai requested this fic and today I was suddenly hit with this weird thing. I think they call it inspiration. *shrugs* Anyway this happened and I hope you like it dear. Also as a small note consider this my goodbye fic. I will be back one December 21 *waves* Have fun until then and yeah this is also sort of an apology for not updating the fic It's High School =/ I couldn't finish the chapter because this got in the way of my inspiration bunny.
He knows why he’s there, knows why he is going to do this. He knows. He is certain of it. He has it all planned out, all calculated to the last miniscule detail.
He knows.
It is only a matter of time before he does this, before he gives away the last remaining part of himself to the world. He has tried, tried so hard to please them, to give them what they want. He gave up dancing, his passion, his reason to get up every morning. He gave it all away, away because they said that he should be something else, because they said he wasn’t going to be able to do it.
All for them. It has always been about them. Even when he was in school, studying, trying to get good grades, trying to make it better, even then it was always about them. He did it for them, so that they could be proud, so that they could brag about him to the other parents. He did it so that they wouldn’t be ashamed to say that he was their son.
He tried so hard, tried so hard to be like his brother, to be as perfect, as smart, as ambitious, but was it really his fault that he wasn’t that way? Was it his fault that he was made to be a dancer and not a top student? Was it his fault?
They thought so.
And he never wanted it, he knows this now. He never wanted what they wanted for him. He never wanted to be ambitious, to have good grades. He never wanted anything but to stand on that stage and dance. He wanted that, he needed that. And he couldn’t have it. He couldn’t do what he wanted to do because it wasn’t right, it wasn’t good, it wasn’t something that his parents could brag about to others. And he never complained, he never ran away, never left, never said no. Because, he had to follow what he was told, was always too scared to break away and free himself, but yet, he hoped, and waited for something, for anything, better to come his way, for something, for someone to come and take him away.
But, they never came. No one came. No one opened their arms to him. No one said I will help you, you can do it, I want you to do it. No one offered him the long needed compassion and understanding. No one and he was alone.
That was what finally pushed him to where he was now. That was what had him standing before that cliff, looking down at the abyss below. What was it that they said? Look too long into the abyss and the abyss will look back into you? And it had. He had spent too long looking down into the abyss, looking and knowing that everything he wanted was gone, that everything he could ever do to make it better was pointless. He had gazed too long and now he felt it, inside him, clawing at him to get out, fighting to overpower him. He felt the darkness, felt the way it choked him, the way it filled his mind with long forgotten memories.
And he could do nothing.
He just watched and knew that the only way to get it out, to make it go away was by this. The only escape he had left.
Jump. It told him. Jump.
Jump and it would be over. Jump and there would be no more pain. Jump and be free.
He closed his eyes, felt the wind in his hair and knew that on the other side was peace. He took a step back, started the running leap and was so sure it was over when he felt two strong arms around him pulling him back, away from the end, away from his peace.
“Are you crazy!? What the hell did you think you were doing!?”
Donghae opened his eyes and there before him was a stranger. A young man with ebony black hair, milk white skin and a furious look on his face. He was tall Donghae realized as the stranger pulled him to his feet. He was nice Donghae thought as the stranger looked him over and he was good looking, that too.
“Are you hurt? What’s wrong? And what the hell were you thinking?”
That voice, the soft voice of an angel.
“Hello?” the stranger said waving his hands in front of Donghae’s face. “Are you deaf? Are you going into shock? Oh boy. Come on let’s go.”
“Go where?” Donghae finally manages as the beautiful stranger pulls him along.
“Oh so you can talk.” The man says not bothering to stop his walk. “We’re going to the hospital obviously. Someone needs to look over your brain. What were you thinking? Were you seriously going to jump? Why? Don’t you know that there are enough sad things in the world without some kid killing himself?”
“Kid?” Donghae asks because he still isn’t over the shock of being taken away from what he had considered the end.
He was going to jump, had planned the last second of his life, had made sure that no one would know. He had been ready, so ready to find his peace and now here he was, walking along the streets, being pulled along like a child by the stranger who had denied him his peace.
“Yes, kid.” The stranger says. “Kid, because you won’t tell me your name and you have to be a kid and a stupid one at that, to have wanted to jump.”
“I’m not a kid. I’m probably your age.” Donghae answers. “And I’m Donghae.”
“I’m Hyukjae. Just call me Eunhyuk. It makes my life easier.” Eunhyuk says. “Now, answer me one thing before we get to the hospital, were you seriously going to jump?”
Donghae looks at Eunhyuk’s dark eyes and wants to answer. He wants to tell him the truth, wants to say that yes he was going to jump, that yes he was tired, that yes it was meant to be his end. But, he can’t bring himself to do it, can’t bring himself to say it, because now he is not sure.
Now, he doesn’t know if he does or doesn’t want to do it. He had been so sure at that moment, so sure that it was the only way, but then Eunhyuk had come along and ruined everything. And Donghae can’t say yes, because if he had jumped, he would have never met Eunhyuk, he would have never been dragged to the hospital like this, he would have never have had this, someone who cared finally.
He doesn’t know what to say so he doesn’t answer. He keeps his mouth shut for the rest of the walk, while the doctors look him over, while he is put in a therapy program. He says nothing as Eunhyuk waves goodbye, says nothing as he is finally given a room for the night.
Donghae spends the next few days in the hospital, explaining why he was going to do what he was going to do, explaining to the nurses, explaining to the doctors, and finally explaining to his parents.
He doesn’t know who is more surprised, whether it is them or him when they tell him that they no longer want him, that they have lost a son. He doesn’t know who is more surprised when his mother slaps him. He just doesn’t know, but what he does know is that it doesn’t matter, none of it matters, especially not when he sees who comes to visit him on the fourth day.
“Hello there.” Eunhyuk says smiling a smile that makes Donghae want to smile too.
Eunhyuk is wearing dark, tight pants today and a white t shirt. He has a dark jacket over all of that, but he’s still shifting from foot to foot and blowing warm air on his hands. Donghae walks over and takes Eunhyuk’s hands and adds his own warm breath to them. He watches Eunhyuk’s face after he lets go and wonders at the look.
Could it be possible that Eunhyuk cares? Is that why he’s here?
“So, how are you today?” Eunhyuk asks sitting down in the chair they left for Donghae to use.
“Why are you here?” Donghae asks because he doesn’t know what else to say.
He is not used to having people, even strangers, care about him. He is not used to anyone caring about him, so he wonders and he knows he had every right to wonder. Eunhyuk says nothing, just talks about his day and his friends and how they won’t stop trying to make him cry. Donghae listens and eventually lets go of the doubt he has. He has just finished telling Eunhyuk about how much he loves dancing when Eunhyuk stands up.
“I have to go. I’m sorry.” He says and Donghae believes him. “I promise to come back tomorrow. Be good and do what the doctors tell you.”
Donghae nods and believes. He believes that Eunhyuk will come back tomorrow and he lets him go. Donghae does what the doctors tell him. He listens to them, nods, pays attention because he knows that if he is good Eunhyuk will come back. And Eunhyuk doesn’t disappoint. He is back the next day, wearing a hat this time, but still no gloves. Donghae warms his hands for him and they sit and talk. Eunhyuk listens well, talks well and makes Donghae feel better. Donghae gets better. He thinks it has to do with Eunhyuk. No one else comes to see him, but Eunhyuk, and he knows it is only a matter of time before he has completely given himself over.
It is on the day before they are going to let him go that he overhears the doctors and Eunhyuk talking. They think he is busy packing his bags so they talk, maybe a little too loud.
“What do you mean he has nowhere to go?” Eunhyuk is saying. “Then, his parents really don’t want him back?”
“I’m afraid not.” The doctor answers. “You’re the only one who comes to visit him. We can’t even get in contact with his parents anymore.”
Donghae hears Eunhyuk’s sigh and wonders what it means. He doesn’t wait long to find out because a few minutes later there is Eunhyuk smiling that same silly smile that always makes Donghae feel better.
“Hello Hae. Are you ready?” Eunhyuk asks picking up the bag he packed.
“They’re not coming are they?” Donghae asks because even though he knew the answer some part of him still hoped.
He can tell that Eunhyuk doesn’t like the question. He can tell many things about Eunhyuk now. He knows so much and he knows that Eunhyuk is angry.
“Who cares about them?” Eunhyuk answers holding the door open. “You have me and I’m here. I care. I’ll take you home with me.”
Donghae smiles, his first true smile since he was put away. He can see the surprise on Eunhyuk’s face and is glad that he was able to surprise Eunhyuk.
“Okay.” He answers. “But, I’m not cooking.”
Eunhyuk laughs and it makes Donghae happy.
They’ve been living together for a month when Donghae kisses Eunhyuk. He does it on impulse because he knows he is in love with Eunhyuk, knows it like he knows that he will feel the loss of his family forever, knows it like he knows that it is cold in the winter and warm in the spring. Eunhyuk doesn’t react and Donghae pulls away faster than humanly possible.
They look at each other for a few seconds before Donghae mutters he has to go. He leaves and goes for a walk. When he comes back, neither of them mentions it and they go back to their joking, friendly ways.
Donghae has been living with Eunhyuk for three months when he has a particularly bad nightmare. He wakes up screaming and Eunhyuk is there a second later, climbing into bed with him and holding him close.
“What is it Hae?” Eunhyuk asks.
Donghae doesn’t answer. He doesn’t want to say that he dreamt that Eunhyuk didn’t get there in time, that he did fall and no one caught him. He doesn’t say it. Instead, he leans over and kisses Eunhyuk, forgets that Eunhyuk doesn’t feel the same way. He forgets because he needs this, needs to feel loved, cared about, even if it just for a minute.
He kisses Eunhyuk and is surprised when Eunhyuk kisses him back, rough, almost wanting. Donghae can do nothing as Eunhyuk pulls him close, wraps his arms tight around him. When he’s finally allowed to breathe he can do nothing, but stare. He doesn’t know what to make of the situation, but he knows that he needs this, that he has to feel Eunhyuk against him, has to.
Donghae throws his arms around Eunhyuk’s neck and pulls him down so that Eunhyuk is on top of him.
“Please.” He whispers closing his eyes and hoping that Eunhyuk understands.
Eunhyuk does and the pain that Donghae feels is nothing, because he likes it, he wants it. The pain makes it real, makes him understand that Eunhyuk is here and real and that he is loved even if Eunhyuk has admitted nothing. Donghae loses himself in the feel of Eunhyuk’s skin against his, Eunhyuk’s breath in his ear, lips on his, tongue sliding along his neck. He lets himself go, completely opens himself up to Eunhyuk because he knows, without anyone telling him, that Eunhyuk will never hurt him.
Eunhyuk is lying beside him and Donghae is too far gone to really think about what he says next. It comes out before he can stop it.
“I love you.” He says.
He waits, the seconds ticking by and just when he is about to lose all hope Eunhyuk pulls him close and kisses him.
“I love you so much.” Eunhyuk says. “Don’t ever doubt that.”
And he never again doubts it because Eunhyuk is there and when the nightmares come, he knows that Eunhyuk will always be there to kiss them away. He knows that Eunhyuk will never let him go, never let him fall and he no longer sees the abyss and the abyss no longer sees him and he is free.
A/N: Awful long fic huh? Well that was it and I hope it didn't disappoint dear.
Pairing: Eunhae (hyukhae)
Genre: Romance, angst
Rating: R (attempted suicide)
Note: This is for
tees2mai who requested this a while ago. A/N: So
tees2mai requested this fic and today I was suddenly hit with this weird thing. I think they call it inspiration. *shrugs* Anyway this happened and I hope you like it dear. Also as a small note consider this my goodbye fic. I will be back one December 21 *waves* Have fun until then and yeah this is also sort of an apology for not updating the fic It's High School =/ I couldn't finish the chapter because this got in the way of my inspiration bunny. He knows why he’s there, knows why he is going to do this. He knows. He is certain of it. He has it all planned out, all calculated to the last miniscule detail.
He knows.
It is only a matter of time before he does this, before he gives away the last remaining part of himself to the world. He has tried, tried so hard to please them, to give them what they want. He gave up dancing, his passion, his reason to get up every morning. He gave it all away, away because they said that he should be something else, because they said he wasn’t going to be able to do it.
All for them. It has always been about them. Even when he was in school, studying, trying to get good grades, trying to make it better, even then it was always about them. He did it for them, so that they could be proud, so that they could brag about him to the other parents. He did it so that they wouldn’t be ashamed to say that he was their son.
He tried so hard, tried so hard to be like his brother, to be as perfect, as smart, as ambitious, but was it really his fault that he wasn’t that way? Was it his fault that he was made to be a dancer and not a top student? Was it his fault?
They thought so.
And he never wanted it, he knows this now. He never wanted what they wanted for him. He never wanted to be ambitious, to have good grades. He never wanted anything but to stand on that stage and dance. He wanted that, he needed that. And he couldn’t have it. He couldn’t do what he wanted to do because it wasn’t right, it wasn’t good, it wasn’t something that his parents could brag about to others. And he never complained, he never ran away, never left, never said no. Because, he had to follow what he was told, was always too scared to break away and free himself, but yet, he hoped, and waited for something, for anything, better to come his way, for something, for someone to come and take him away.
But, they never came. No one came. No one opened their arms to him. No one said I will help you, you can do it, I want you to do it. No one offered him the long needed compassion and understanding. No one and he was alone.
That was what finally pushed him to where he was now. That was what had him standing before that cliff, looking down at the abyss below. What was it that they said? Look too long into the abyss and the abyss will look back into you? And it had. He had spent too long looking down into the abyss, looking and knowing that everything he wanted was gone, that everything he could ever do to make it better was pointless. He had gazed too long and now he felt it, inside him, clawing at him to get out, fighting to overpower him. He felt the darkness, felt the way it choked him, the way it filled his mind with long forgotten memories.
And he could do nothing.
He just watched and knew that the only way to get it out, to make it go away was by this. The only escape he had left.
Jump. It told him. Jump.
Jump and it would be over. Jump and there would be no more pain. Jump and be free.
He closed his eyes, felt the wind in his hair and knew that on the other side was peace. He took a step back, started the running leap and was so sure it was over when he felt two strong arms around him pulling him back, away from the end, away from his peace.
“Are you crazy!? What the hell did you think you were doing!?”
Donghae opened his eyes and there before him was a stranger. A young man with ebony black hair, milk white skin and a furious look on his face. He was tall Donghae realized as the stranger pulled him to his feet. He was nice Donghae thought as the stranger looked him over and he was good looking, that too.
“Are you hurt? What’s wrong? And what the hell were you thinking?”
That voice, the soft voice of an angel.
“Hello?” the stranger said waving his hands in front of Donghae’s face. “Are you deaf? Are you going into shock? Oh boy. Come on let’s go.”
“Go where?” Donghae finally manages as the beautiful stranger pulls him along.
“Oh so you can talk.” The man says not bothering to stop his walk. “We’re going to the hospital obviously. Someone needs to look over your brain. What were you thinking? Were you seriously going to jump? Why? Don’t you know that there are enough sad things in the world without some kid killing himself?”
“Kid?” Donghae asks because he still isn’t over the shock of being taken away from what he had considered the end.
He was going to jump, had planned the last second of his life, had made sure that no one would know. He had been ready, so ready to find his peace and now here he was, walking along the streets, being pulled along like a child by the stranger who had denied him his peace.
“Yes, kid.” The stranger says. “Kid, because you won’t tell me your name and you have to be a kid and a stupid one at that, to have wanted to jump.”
“I’m not a kid. I’m probably your age.” Donghae answers. “And I’m Donghae.”
“I’m Hyukjae. Just call me Eunhyuk. It makes my life easier.” Eunhyuk says. “Now, answer me one thing before we get to the hospital, were you seriously going to jump?”
Donghae looks at Eunhyuk’s dark eyes and wants to answer. He wants to tell him the truth, wants to say that yes he was going to jump, that yes he was tired, that yes it was meant to be his end. But, he can’t bring himself to do it, can’t bring himself to say it, because now he is not sure.
Now, he doesn’t know if he does or doesn’t want to do it. He had been so sure at that moment, so sure that it was the only way, but then Eunhyuk had come along and ruined everything. And Donghae can’t say yes, because if he had jumped, he would have never met Eunhyuk, he would have never been dragged to the hospital like this, he would have never have had this, someone who cared finally.
He doesn’t know what to say so he doesn’t answer. He keeps his mouth shut for the rest of the walk, while the doctors look him over, while he is put in a therapy program. He says nothing as Eunhyuk waves goodbye, says nothing as he is finally given a room for the night.
Donghae spends the next few days in the hospital, explaining why he was going to do what he was going to do, explaining to the nurses, explaining to the doctors, and finally explaining to his parents.
He doesn’t know who is more surprised, whether it is them or him when they tell him that they no longer want him, that they have lost a son. He doesn’t know who is more surprised when his mother slaps him. He just doesn’t know, but what he does know is that it doesn’t matter, none of it matters, especially not when he sees who comes to visit him on the fourth day.
“Hello there.” Eunhyuk says smiling a smile that makes Donghae want to smile too.
Eunhyuk is wearing dark, tight pants today and a white t shirt. He has a dark jacket over all of that, but he’s still shifting from foot to foot and blowing warm air on his hands. Donghae walks over and takes Eunhyuk’s hands and adds his own warm breath to them. He watches Eunhyuk’s face after he lets go and wonders at the look.
Could it be possible that Eunhyuk cares? Is that why he’s here?
“So, how are you today?” Eunhyuk asks sitting down in the chair they left for Donghae to use.
“Why are you here?” Donghae asks because he doesn’t know what else to say.
He is not used to having people, even strangers, care about him. He is not used to anyone caring about him, so he wonders and he knows he had every right to wonder. Eunhyuk says nothing, just talks about his day and his friends and how they won’t stop trying to make him cry. Donghae listens and eventually lets go of the doubt he has. He has just finished telling Eunhyuk about how much he loves dancing when Eunhyuk stands up.
“I have to go. I’m sorry.” He says and Donghae believes him. “I promise to come back tomorrow. Be good and do what the doctors tell you.”
Donghae nods and believes. He believes that Eunhyuk will come back tomorrow and he lets him go. Donghae does what the doctors tell him. He listens to them, nods, pays attention because he knows that if he is good Eunhyuk will come back. And Eunhyuk doesn’t disappoint. He is back the next day, wearing a hat this time, but still no gloves. Donghae warms his hands for him and they sit and talk. Eunhyuk listens well, talks well and makes Donghae feel better. Donghae gets better. He thinks it has to do with Eunhyuk. No one else comes to see him, but Eunhyuk, and he knows it is only a matter of time before he has completely given himself over.
It is on the day before they are going to let him go that he overhears the doctors and Eunhyuk talking. They think he is busy packing his bags so they talk, maybe a little too loud.
“What do you mean he has nowhere to go?” Eunhyuk is saying. “Then, his parents really don’t want him back?”
“I’m afraid not.” The doctor answers. “You’re the only one who comes to visit him. We can’t even get in contact with his parents anymore.”
Donghae hears Eunhyuk’s sigh and wonders what it means. He doesn’t wait long to find out because a few minutes later there is Eunhyuk smiling that same silly smile that always makes Donghae feel better.
“Hello Hae. Are you ready?” Eunhyuk asks picking up the bag he packed.
“They’re not coming are they?” Donghae asks because even though he knew the answer some part of him still hoped.
He can tell that Eunhyuk doesn’t like the question. He can tell many things about Eunhyuk now. He knows so much and he knows that Eunhyuk is angry.
“Who cares about them?” Eunhyuk answers holding the door open. “You have me and I’m here. I care. I’ll take you home with me.”
Donghae smiles, his first true smile since he was put away. He can see the surprise on Eunhyuk’s face and is glad that he was able to surprise Eunhyuk.
“Okay.” He answers. “But, I’m not cooking.”
Eunhyuk laughs and it makes Donghae happy.
They’ve been living together for a month when Donghae kisses Eunhyuk. He does it on impulse because he knows he is in love with Eunhyuk, knows it like he knows that he will feel the loss of his family forever, knows it like he knows that it is cold in the winter and warm in the spring. Eunhyuk doesn’t react and Donghae pulls away faster than humanly possible.
They look at each other for a few seconds before Donghae mutters he has to go. He leaves and goes for a walk. When he comes back, neither of them mentions it and they go back to their joking, friendly ways.
Donghae has been living with Eunhyuk for three months when he has a particularly bad nightmare. He wakes up screaming and Eunhyuk is there a second later, climbing into bed with him and holding him close.
“What is it Hae?” Eunhyuk asks.
Donghae doesn’t answer. He doesn’t want to say that he dreamt that Eunhyuk didn’t get there in time, that he did fall and no one caught him. He doesn’t say it. Instead, he leans over and kisses Eunhyuk, forgets that Eunhyuk doesn’t feel the same way. He forgets because he needs this, needs to feel loved, cared about, even if it just for a minute.
He kisses Eunhyuk and is surprised when Eunhyuk kisses him back, rough, almost wanting. Donghae can do nothing as Eunhyuk pulls him close, wraps his arms tight around him. When he’s finally allowed to breathe he can do nothing, but stare. He doesn’t know what to make of the situation, but he knows that he needs this, that he has to feel Eunhyuk against him, has to.
Donghae throws his arms around Eunhyuk’s neck and pulls him down so that Eunhyuk is on top of him.
“Please.” He whispers closing his eyes and hoping that Eunhyuk understands.
Eunhyuk does and the pain that Donghae feels is nothing, because he likes it, he wants it. The pain makes it real, makes him understand that Eunhyuk is here and real and that he is loved even if Eunhyuk has admitted nothing. Donghae loses himself in the feel of Eunhyuk’s skin against his, Eunhyuk’s breath in his ear, lips on his, tongue sliding along his neck. He lets himself go, completely opens himself up to Eunhyuk because he knows, without anyone telling him, that Eunhyuk will never hurt him.
Eunhyuk is lying beside him and Donghae is too far gone to really think about what he says next. It comes out before he can stop it.
“I love you.” He says.
He waits, the seconds ticking by and just when he is about to lose all hope Eunhyuk pulls him close and kisses him.
“I love you so much.” Eunhyuk says. “Don’t ever doubt that.”
And he never again doubts it because Eunhyuk is there and when the nightmares come, he knows that Eunhyuk will always be there to kiss them away. He knows that Eunhyuk will never let him go, never let him fall and he no longer sees the abyss and the abyss no longer sees him and he is free.
A/N: Awful long fic huh? Well that was it and I hope it didn't disappoint dear.
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