You know, there's this very strange position I find myself in, that I am still working out how to put into written words. I am the only poc in the administration department where I work, but no one bats an eye because I am right in the middle of everyone in terms of skin tone. And as a person just existing in the world, people just assume I'm white. Even other poc sometimes confuse me for mixed white with something else, or a wide range of races, but never mexican. Unless it is another mexican person. And so I've become an expert at inserting hints about who I am without seeming to be inserting hints. I'll pronounce my mother's name in Spanish, or pick up a phone call within earshot of other people and speak in Spanish. Or I'll just throw in a reference to Mexico, or to some telenovela.
And just intermixed with all of that is the very clear understanding that all of that is nothing, basically. Because my sister and I could go through the world in identical ways and I would still end up farther ahead than her because of something out of her and my control. Which brings in a whole set of issues regarding racism and where my voice should end and where others' should start, because I don't experience race the same way other members of my family do, and definitely not the way Black people do. So since I benefit from the social structure then I can be racist, right, but I am also poc (like, my mother's family can trace their 100% native mexican ancestry as far back as they remember and my dad is at least 90% native mexican) so where does that leave me? And that plus the fact that sometimes just by existing, even before I open my mouth, I am just assumed white, so I am a "traitor" to my community by default, especially when I am quiet (so I am never quiet). Even though I am like the ideal poster child for the Mexican cultural values my family is so proud of. (Except for the gay thing, but that is a whole other disappointment waiting to happen, though I think it might make my some cousins like me better afterwards).
And all of that kind of just lives inside me, and has made me very aware of how I use my voice and my privilege. Like the other day in this very office, one of the admins referred to one of our floor workers as "white black" because the lady is prim and proper, soft spoken, and delicately feminine. And when I asked what she meant by "white black," to list me all the characteristics of what this entailed, she really couldn't because she realized she would be admitting that she thought all the Black stereotypes were true. And I know she only said it because she felt like I was a safe space, so I've had to reevaluate what I am doing that made her think she could say this aloud in my presence, and I've set out to make sure all the white people in this office understand that there is no safe place for them.
But, you know, I am aware that the only reason I can do this and not be thrown aside or dismissed is because I am light skinned and they are forced to take me seriously. But, I digress.
Anyway, thank you for coming to my TED talk.
I also, just really want to say that I dig all the stuff you write. I can't say enough about it.
no subject
And just intermixed with all of that is the very clear understanding that all of that is nothing, basically. Because my sister and I could go through the world in identical ways and I would still end up farther ahead than her because of something out of her and my control. Which brings in a whole set of issues regarding racism and where my voice should end and where others' should start, because I don't experience race the same way other members of my family do, and definitely not the way Black people do. So since I benefit from the social structure then I can be racist, right, but I am also poc (like, my mother's family can trace their 100% native mexican ancestry as far back as they remember and my dad is at least 90% native mexican) so where does that leave me? And that plus the fact that sometimes just by existing, even before I open my mouth, I am just assumed white, so I am a "traitor" to my community by default, especially when I am quiet (so I am never quiet). Even though I am like the ideal poster child for the Mexican cultural values my family is so proud of. (Except for the gay thing, but that is a whole other disappointment waiting to happen, though I think it might make my some cousins like me better afterwards).
And all of that kind of just lives inside me, and has made me very aware of how I use my voice and my privilege. Like the other day in this very office, one of the admins referred to one of our floor workers as "white black" because the lady is prim and proper, soft spoken, and delicately feminine. And when I asked what she meant by "white black," to list me all the characteristics of what this entailed, she really couldn't because she realized she would be admitting that she thought all the Black stereotypes were true. And I know she only said it because she felt like I was a safe space, so I've had to reevaluate what I am doing that made her think she could say this aloud in my presence, and I've set out to make sure all the white people in this office understand that there is no safe place for them.
But, you know, I am aware that the only reason I can do this and not be thrown aside or dismissed is because I am light skinned and they are forced to take me seriously. But, I digress.
Anyway, thank you for coming to my TED talk.
I also, just really want to say that I dig all the stuff you write. I can't say enough about it.