static_abyss (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
static_abyss) wrote2011-06-08 05:23 pm
static_abyss) wrote2011-06-08 05:23 pm
Timeless (the way we love)-Chapter 1
Title: Timeless (the way we love)
Pairing: hanchul (and others)
Genre: sujuclone!au
Rating: PG-13
Summary: When Han Geng comes back to Korea he does it because he knows it's what he wants.
Note: I feel like my writing is off lately and also I want to start another hanchul chaptered fic so...I am basically posting this to get it out of the way and because I want to get to chapter 2 already.
[Prologue]
Han Geng walks past the café the first time he goes to find Heechul. It’s small with couches and armchairs instead of the standard tables and stools. It looks cozy, the kind of thing Heechul might have liked because it’s private even if it doesn’t appear that way.
Han Geng goes in and orders a coffee, lots of milk and no sugar. Heechul hated when Han Geng drank coffee like that so Geng always made a point to drink it every morning. His Heechul, the old Heechul didn’t mind after a while. Han Geng thinks that this Heechul probably won’t care. This Heechul probably doesn’t even know that Han Geng likes coffee.
The café is perfect and Geng thinks that if he can he would like to tell his story here. He likes the corner where the only table and chairs are. The old Heechul would probably take the seat facing away from the people. Han Geng knows for sure that this Heechul will take the other chair, the one where everyone can see him. He knows because this Heechul is everything his Heechul wasn’t.
It’s Geng’s first try at actually finding Heechul. He’s known where Heechul is because Sungmin knows. Sungmin always knows. Geng figures that if he didn’t find Heechul before today it was because he wasn’t ready. He doesn’t think he ever will be.
SM destroyed them all. That’s how it works. They call you in, lure you in with lies, false hopes. And once you’re in they lie to you, change you, mold you into who they want. They take you and fix you, change your face, your nose. They make you different and if you don’t like it, if you want to be yourself, then they get rid of you. They throw you away and make a new you, one that will listen to them, one that looks like they want you to look.
Han Geng was the only in the group who wasn’t changed apart from Siwon. He was the first one to know and he made the mistake of telling Kibum, of trusting that Kibum was strong enough to take it. Kangin found out later and then it was the three of them against the world.
It was Kibum knowing that every touch from Donghae was a lie, that every smile could change tomorrow. It was Kibum knowing that at any moment Donghae could turn to anyone else if that’s what the company wanted.
It was Kangin knowing that the man beside him wasn’t the one that sat with him in the morning and told him stories of home. It was Kangin knowing that Jungsu wasn’t Jungsu but Leeteuk. That the man he was in love with could change, had changed.
It was Han Geng knowing that the man he considered his closest friend wasn’t real. The eyes that had looked at him, the lips that had teased him were no longer the same. He’d been stupid in the beginning, thinking that a copy of Heechul couldn’t feel. It was stupid but that didn’t stop it from hurting.
Three knew the secret, three left. It was no coincidence. It had taken Han Geng five years to come back. It had taken Kibum just as long and even now Kangin wasn’t back. Kangin would probably never come back. Han Geng didn’t blame him. He would never blame him because he knew the pain that came with losing those closest to you. When he left Super Junior the world said he was leaving behind his brothers. What the world didn’t know was that his brothers had already left him, that for as long as he was in Super Junior they would leave him.
The world didn’t know so they would never understand. Only Kibum knew and only Kibum understood. Kangin knew, but Kangin hadn’t been strong enough. Alcohol, sometimes drugs when that wasn’t enough. One of them had to break. Han Geng wished it had been anyone else but Kangin.
Remembering was always painful, always. Every email he got from the members, every visit from Zhou Mi. All of that were reminders of the life he left behind, of the helpless members, of the friends he abandoned. Geng tried not to remember. He threw himself into his work, forgetting.
He cared. He cared so much it was just better not to remember.
But he was here now. And he had to explain, to somehow make his leaving right in Heechul’s eyes. Maybe.
His walk is slow. He doesn’t want to go but he knows he has to. He is afraid, but he’s been afraid for them all his whole life. He was afraid when he left China, afraid when he left Super Junior. He has been afraid for a long time and that has never stopped him.
He walks to the apartment building with its clean floors and expensive doors. There is an elevator that he can’t take because he’d have to introduce himself. He takes the stairs, all 56 steps up to the 7th floor. Heechul’s door in the one with the Super Junior picture, the one with all fifteen of them that never made it public.
Geng smiles, for a second he thinks of his Heechul, the one who he saw break, of the one he loved.
He blinks. It’s gone and his fist is knocking on the door. His heart is not jumping anywhere. There is no energy for that. All of him is focused on hoping, on maybe seeing the Heechul he once knew, of seeing those brown eyes that he never should have left.
The door opens.
“You?”
“Yeah,” Han Geng says, drinking in every detail, from that long black hair to those bright, neon green sneakers, “you went back to black.”
He can’t keep the breathlessness out of his voice. He doesn’t want to. He wants to drink in every detail of Heechul in. He wants to see those long fingers, to take that hand and see if it still fits into this. He wants that face in front of his, those eyes right there so that he can see what he always saw. He wants his Heechul.
Han Geng thinks that maybe he sees him.
“Get the fuck out of here.”
“Heechul,” Han Geng says reaching out a hand before Heechul can slam the door in his face. “Heechul please listen to me.”
“No,” Heechul says, “I don’t want to listen. You didn’t listen when I asked you to all those years ago. I don’t have to listen to you. I don’t want to. Just get the fuck out of my life.”
Han Geng is confused for a minute because for that small minute he thinks he sees something in Heechul’s eyes, something other than anger and hatred. He thinks he sees a flash of the old Heechul, but it’s gone because there is a door in his face.
Hesitation. It’s what got him the first time. It’s what forced him to sign those papers. It’s what sent him away from the members he swore he would always protect and look after. It’s hesitation, confusion that sends him away this time.
He walks down the stairs again. He does it because he swears he saw something in those dark eyes. He saw something that he remembers from all those years ago. He walks away because he can’t let his imagination get carried away. They told him Heechul would be changed. They told him Heechul wouldn’t remember, that Heechul wouldn’t hurt. Heechul wouldn’t love him.
Han Geng walks away because if Heechul does remember then that means that Heechul loves him. It means that he walked away from a promise he made. It means that he abandoned the one person he was willing to give up anything for. He left Heechul.
Han Geng doesn’t think he can live with that.
---
He does live with it. He lives with it and he goes back because if that is his Heechul then he has to know. He’s back a week later after Siwon and Sungmin kick him out of the house. They say that they’re doing it for Geng’s good. Geng doesn’t believe them because he doesn’t want to, but he has to do this.
He takes the elevator this time so Heechul knows that he’s going. The door is open when he gets there and there is Heechul wearing the same neon green sneakers. His hair is out over his face the way he used to wear it, long like he liked it.
Except that this is not his Heechul. Geng needs to remember this, to keep this close because he can’t let himself believe that this is Heechul. He can’t because then all those years away would hurt so much more. He can’t believe that this is the same Heechul that he loved, that fell into his arms, that kissed away his tears when he couldn’t take it anymore. This can’t be the same Heechul.
One look into those eyes though and that’s it.
It’s like he’s falling into this blinding hole of light. It’s so bright it’s painful. This is Heechul because Geng lived his life in Super Junior memorizing each and every detail of his Heechul. He knows every scar along his arms, the very shapes of his fingers. Geng knows and he can tell (because he’s always been able to tell) that this is his Heechul.
It makes everything so much easier.
It makes everything so much harder.
“Can you take a walk with me?” Geng says.
Heechul laughs. “Why would I want to walk with you>?”
Han Geng looks at him. There is no doubt anymore. He knows.
“Because,” he says.
He says nothing more and Heechul looks at him. Dark eyes like he remembers. Eyes that used to pull him in. Eyes that he grew to love. Eyes that looked into his. How could he ever forget those eyes?
“Because, you love me.”
Heechul says nothing. It’s the silence more than anything that convinces Han Geng. It’s the way Heechul doesn’t deny him. It’s the way Heechul pulls on his sweatshirt hood up over his head. It’s the way he’s hiding from Geng. It’s all that.
The ride down the elevator is suffocating. Heechul is there.
Heechul. Is. There.
Geng feels like he’s been handed back his world and he doesn’t know what to do. He wants to touch Heechul, to feel him pressed close. He wants that face in his hands, that hair beneath his fingers. He wants those lips on his, that heart beating against him, for him.
It’s a relief to step out of the elevator and out into the street. Geng can breathe again. He walks next to Heechul, taking in as much as he can. Heechul isn’t helping. He’s pulled his hood over his head and he won’t look anywhere but at his feet.
“Heechul,” Geng says, “want to have a cup of coffee?”
That gets a reaction. Heechul looks up, eyes blazing in the evening light. “Who the fuck do you think I am? What do you think this is? I am not going to let you just walk back into my life like this. You have no right to walk back, like I’m just supposed to say yes and take you. Not after what you did. No. I am not going—”
“Heechul,” Geng says, “please. It’s just a cup of coffee. I have to talk to you.”
“No.” Heechul says. “No. I am not doing this.”
Geng looks away. “Then why did you come with me?”
Heechul says nothing. They both say nothing because they know. They both know why Heechul came.
“Please.” Geng tries again. “For them then. Not for me, but for them. For all of them, please come. There’s a café you’d like.”
“I know where it is.” Heechul says.
Geng looks at him. “Please come. Tomorrow. At this time. For them. I can’t tell them, but I can tell you. Someone should listen for them.”
Han Geng waits. He looks at Heechul, wants to see if Heechul understands.
“I’ll see.” Heechul says and Geng’s heart leaves him. “I’ll see.”
He watches Heechul walk away. Geng doesn’t understand why it hurts so much to know that this is his Heechul. He doesn’t get the pain. After feeling so much pain, having Heechul back should bring something else. Except, it never works that way because even if this is his Heechul, this Heechul is no longer his.
---
Heechul walks into the café the next day three hours late.
Geng is still there.
Heechul comes in and looks at him. “Switch seats with me.”
“Why?” Geng asks getting up anyway.
“I came didn’t I? The least you could do is give me the chair I want.”
Geng moves. His heart is gone again. It always seemed to leave him whenever he was with Heechul. He sits. His back is to the wall and he’s looking at everyone else in the café. Heechul is sitting with his back to the room, his eyes focused on the wall above Geng’s head.
Looking at Heechul is painful, because it brings back many memories. Han Geng knows he has to do this. He has to look at Heechul, even if those eyes are not the eyes he first remembered. Those are not the first eyes that looked into his, the first eyes that caught him, captivated him, left him breathless for more. They’re not the same eyes, but Han Geng has to stay because these are the eyes he loves.
“Thank you for coming.” Han Geng says.
“Cut the bullshit.” Heechul answers flipping his hair over his shoulder. “You’re not trying to sell me anything. You don’t have to be polite.”
“I’m sorry Heechul.”
Heechul says nothing. They both say nothing as they sit there in the café, neither looking at the other and both of their hearts breaking. Han Geng’s for all the wrong reasons. Heechul’s for all the right ones.
a/n: I am going to just sit and pretend like I don't want to post the next part already =\ I need to learn this art of patience or whatever.
Pairing: hanchul (and others)
Genre: sujuclone!au
Rating: PG-13
Summary: When Han Geng comes back to Korea he does it because he knows it's what he wants.
Note: I feel like my writing is off lately and also I want to start another hanchul chaptered fic so...I am basically posting this to get it out of the way and because I want to get to chapter 2 already.
[Prologue]
Han Geng walks past the café the first time he goes to find Heechul. It’s small with couches and armchairs instead of the standard tables and stools. It looks cozy, the kind of thing Heechul might have liked because it’s private even if it doesn’t appear that way.
Han Geng goes in and orders a coffee, lots of milk and no sugar. Heechul hated when Han Geng drank coffee like that so Geng always made a point to drink it every morning. His Heechul, the old Heechul didn’t mind after a while. Han Geng thinks that this Heechul probably won’t care. This Heechul probably doesn’t even know that Han Geng likes coffee.
The café is perfect and Geng thinks that if he can he would like to tell his story here. He likes the corner where the only table and chairs are. The old Heechul would probably take the seat facing away from the people. Han Geng knows for sure that this Heechul will take the other chair, the one where everyone can see him. He knows because this Heechul is everything his Heechul wasn’t.
It’s Geng’s first try at actually finding Heechul. He’s known where Heechul is because Sungmin knows. Sungmin always knows. Geng figures that if he didn’t find Heechul before today it was because he wasn’t ready. He doesn’t think he ever will be.
SM destroyed them all. That’s how it works. They call you in, lure you in with lies, false hopes. And once you’re in they lie to you, change you, mold you into who they want. They take you and fix you, change your face, your nose. They make you different and if you don’t like it, if you want to be yourself, then they get rid of you. They throw you away and make a new you, one that will listen to them, one that looks like they want you to look.
Han Geng was the only in the group who wasn’t changed apart from Siwon. He was the first one to know and he made the mistake of telling Kibum, of trusting that Kibum was strong enough to take it. Kangin found out later and then it was the three of them against the world.
It was Kibum knowing that every touch from Donghae was a lie, that every smile could change tomorrow. It was Kibum knowing that at any moment Donghae could turn to anyone else if that’s what the company wanted.
It was Kangin knowing that the man beside him wasn’t the one that sat with him in the morning and told him stories of home. It was Kangin knowing that Jungsu wasn’t Jungsu but Leeteuk. That the man he was in love with could change, had changed.
It was Han Geng knowing that the man he considered his closest friend wasn’t real. The eyes that had looked at him, the lips that had teased him were no longer the same. He’d been stupid in the beginning, thinking that a copy of Heechul couldn’t feel. It was stupid but that didn’t stop it from hurting.
Three knew the secret, three left. It was no coincidence. It had taken Han Geng five years to come back. It had taken Kibum just as long and even now Kangin wasn’t back. Kangin would probably never come back. Han Geng didn’t blame him. He would never blame him because he knew the pain that came with losing those closest to you. When he left Super Junior the world said he was leaving behind his brothers. What the world didn’t know was that his brothers had already left him, that for as long as he was in Super Junior they would leave him.
The world didn’t know so they would never understand. Only Kibum knew and only Kibum understood. Kangin knew, but Kangin hadn’t been strong enough. Alcohol, sometimes drugs when that wasn’t enough. One of them had to break. Han Geng wished it had been anyone else but Kangin.
Remembering was always painful, always. Every email he got from the members, every visit from Zhou Mi. All of that were reminders of the life he left behind, of the helpless members, of the friends he abandoned. Geng tried not to remember. He threw himself into his work, forgetting.
He cared. He cared so much it was just better not to remember.
But he was here now. And he had to explain, to somehow make his leaving right in Heechul’s eyes. Maybe.
His walk is slow. He doesn’t want to go but he knows he has to. He is afraid, but he’s been afraid for them all his whole life. He was afraid when he left China, afraid when he left Super Junior. He has been afraid for a long time and that has never stopped him.
He walks to the apartment building with its clean floors and expensive doors. There is an elevator that he can’t take because he’d have to introduce himself. He takes the stairs, all 56 steps up to the 7th floor. Heechul’s door in the one with the Super Junior picture, the one with all fifteen of them that never made it public.
Geng smiles, for a second he thinks of his Heechul, the one who he saw break, of the one he loved.
He blinks. It’s gone and his fist is knocking on the door. His heart is not jumping anywhere. There is no energy for that. All of him is focused on hoping, on maybe seeing the Heechul he once knew, of seeing those brown eyes that he never should have left.
The door opens.
“You?”
“Yeah,” Han Geng says, drinking in every detail, from that long black hair to those bright, neon green sneakers, “you went back to black.”
He can’t keep the breathlessness out of his voice. He doesn’t want to. He wants to drink in every detail of Heechul in. He wants to see those long fingers, to take that hand and see if it still fits into this. He wants that face in front of his, those eyes right there so that he can see what he always saw. He wants his Heechul.
Han Geng thinks that maybe he sees him.
“Get the fuck out of here.”
“Heechul,” Han Geng says reaching out a hand before Heechul can slam the door in his face. “Heechul please listen to me.”
“No,” Heechul says, “I don’t want to listen. You didn’t listen when I asked you to all those years ago. I don’t have to listen to you. I don’t want to. Just get the fuck out of my life.”
Han Geng is confused for a minute because for that small minute he thinks he sees something in Heechul’s eyes, something other than anger and hatred. He thinks he sees a flash of the old Heechul, but it’s gone because there is a door in his face.
Hesitation. It’s what got him the first time. It’s what forced him to sign those papers. It’s what sent him away from the members he swore he would always protect and look after. It’s hesitation, confusion that sends him away this time.
He walks down the stairs again. He does it because he swears he saw something in those dark eyes. He saw something that he remembers from all those years ago. He walks away because he can’t let his imagination get carried away. They told him Heechul would be changed. They told him Heechul wouldn’t remember, that Heechul wouldn’t hurt. Heechul wouldn’t love him.
Han Geng walks away because if Heechul does remember then that means that Heechul loves him. It means that he walked away from a promise he made. It means that he abandoned the one person he was willing to give up anything for. He left Heechul.
Han Geng doesn’t think he can live with that.
---
He does live with it. He lives with it and he goes back because if that is his Heechul then he has to know. He’s back a week later after Siwon and Sungmin kick him out of the house. They say that they’re doing it for Geng’s good. Geng doesn’t believe them because he doesn’t want to, but he has to do this.
He takes the elevator this time so Heechul knows that he’s going. The door is open when he gets there and there is Heechul wearing the same neon green sneakers. His hair is out over his face the way he used to wear it, long like he liked it.
Except that this is not his Heechul. Geng needs to remember this, to keep this close because he can’t let himself believe that this is Heechul. He can’t because then all those years away would hurt so much more. He can’t believe that this is the same Heechul that he loved, that fell into his arms, that kissed away his tears when he couldn’t take it anymore. This can’t be the same Heechul.
One look into those eyes though and that’s it.
It’s like he’s falling into this blinding hole of light. It’s so bright it’s painful. This is Heechul because Geng lived his life in Super Junior memorizing each and every detail of his Heechul. He knows every scar along his arms, the very shapes of his fingers. Geng knows and he can tell (because he’s always been able to tell) that this is his Heechul.
It makes everything so much easier.
It makes everything so much harder.
“Can you take a walk with me?” Geng says.
Heechul laughs. “Why would I want to walk with you>?”
Han Geng looks at him. There is no doubt anymore. He knows.
“Because,” he says.
He says nothing more and Heechul looks at him. Dark eyes like he remembers. Eyes that used to pull him in. Eyes that he grew to love. Eyes that looked into his. How could he ever forget those eyes?
“Because, you love me.”
Heechul says nothing. It’s the silence more than anything that convinces Han Geng. It’s the way Heechul doesn’t deny him. It’s the way Heechul pulls on his sweatshirt hood up over his head. It’s the way he’s hiding from Geng. It’s all that.
The ride down the elevator is suffocating. Heechul is there.
Heechul. Is. There.
Geng feels like he’s been handed back his world and he doesn’t know what to do. He wants to touch Heechul, to feel him pressed close. He wants that face in his hands, that hair beneath his fingers. He wants those lips on his, that heart beating against him, for him.
It’s a relief to step out of the elevator and out into the street. Geng can breathe again. He walks next to Heechul, taking in as much as he can. Heechul isn’t helping. He’s pulled his hood over his head and he won’t look anywhere but at his feet.
“Heechul,” Geng says, “want to have a cup of coffee?”
That gets a reaction. Heechul looks up, eyes blazing in the evening light. “Who the fuck do you think I am? What do you think this is? I am not going to let you just walk back into my life like this. You have no right to walk back, like I’m just supposed to say yes and take you. Not after what you did. No. I am not going—”
“Heechul,” Geng says, “please. It’s just a cup of coffee. I have to talk to you.”
“No.” Heechul says. “No. I am not doing this.”
Geng looks away. “Then why did you come with me?”
Heechul says nothing. They both say nothing because they know. They both know why Heechul came.
“Please.” Geng tries again. “For them then. Not for me, but for them. For all of them, please come. There’s a café you’d like.”
“I know where it is.” Heechul says.
Geng looks at him. “Please come. Tomorrow. At this time. For them. I can’t tell them, but I can tell you. Someone should listen for them.”
Han Geng waits. He looks at Heechul, wants to see if Heechul understands.
“I’ll see.” Heechul says and Geng’s heart leaves him. “I’ll see.”
He watches Heechul walk away. Geng doesn’t understand why it hurts so much to know that this is his Heechul. He doesn’t get the pain. After feeling so much pain, having Heechul back should bring something else. Except, it never works that way because even if this is his Heechul, this Heechul is no longer his.
---
Heechul walks into the café the next day three hours late.
Geng is still there.
Heechul comes in and looks at him. “Switch seats with me.”
“Why?” Geng asks getting up anyway.
“I came didn’t I? The least you could do is give me the chair I want.”
Geng moves. His heart is gone again. It always seemed to leave him whenever he was with Heechul. He sits. His back is to the wall and he’s looking at everyone else in the café. Heechul is sitting with his back to the room, his eyes focused on the wall above Geng’s head.
Looking at Heechul is painful, because it brings back many memories. Han Geng knows he has to do this. He has to look at Heechul, even if those eyes are not the eyes he first remembered. Those are not the first eyes that looked into his, the first eyes that caught him, captivated him, left him breathless for more. They’re not the same eyes, but Han Geng has to stay because these are the eyes he loves.
“Thank you for coming.” Han Geng says.
“Cut the bullshit.” Heechul answers flipping his hair over his shoulder. “You’re not trying to sell me anything. You don’t have to be polite.”
“I’m sorry Heechul.”
Heechul says nothing. They both say nothing as they sit there in the café, neither looking at the other and both of their hearts breaking. Han Geng’s for all the wrong reasons. Heechul’s for all the right ones.
a/n: I am going to just sit and pretend like I don't want to post the next part already =\ I need to learn this art of patience or whatever.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Page 1 of 3