static_abyss (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
static_abyss) wrote2011-03-08 02:03 am
static_abyss) wrote2011-03-08 02:03 am
Entry tags:
China
Title: China (mostly because that is what I titled it on my word document)
Pairing: shihan
Genre: romance, angst
Rating: R (for some content)
Summary: Siwon knows there is nothing better than watching Geng, free, beautiful and wonderful. He loves him and he wants to take care of him forever. He just doesn't know how.
Note: Something to keep Annie![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
shihan_ai happy.
A/N: This is for Annie and me because we are both just amazing and wonderful XD and because we needed to know what happened in China. I just want to say that my knuckles are like bleeding D: There is clearly something wrong with me if I just updated like three fics in a row. OTL I couldn't help myself. Anyway this can be called a sort of but not really collab between me andshihan_ai Mostly this came from Andi's refusal to tell us what happened in China. I am pretty sure our conversation when something like this:
Ana: What happened in China?????
Annie: YOU DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO ME AND ANA OMG. I SWEAR WHAT HAPPENED IN CHINA JUST LOOMS OVER US TWO LIKE SOME KIND OF WONDERFUL HAVEN THAT WE JUST CAN'T REACH.
Ana: YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THE DESPERATION. WE BOTH KNOW IT'S THERE AND SO DAMN CLOSE AND WE CAN'T GET THERE...WE CAN'TTTTTTTTTTTT D:
Annie: *sobs and goes off on shihan ramble*
Ana: *sobs because of Annie's ramble and follows up on said ramble*
Andi: (probably thinking we're crazy) *walks in, sits and sips tea* Do go on.
Clearly you all know who is to blame for this shihan. It's Andi. And obviously there is something wrong with me and Annie. but, it's okay because I love her and she loves me and she knows it. And so I have taken our ramble, added some words and plot and made it into this fic. If I hadn't all you would have gotten was a lot of sobbing and incoherent key smash and that doesn't make a good fic =\
“Hyung,” Siwon says as he tugs on Han Geng’s suitcase. “Let me help.”
Han Geng laughs but let’s Siwon take it. He walks along and Siwon watches him, watches the way Geng laughs and smiles and looks at all the people in the train station as if they are special and wonderful and he can’t wait to hug them. There is a spring in every step Geng takes and Siwon is glad he took the suitcase.
He loves watching Geng like this, loves watching as the other man practically runs from stand to stand looking at the things, touching, smiling at the stand owners, getting blushes from the young girls running the register. Han Geng doesn’t even realize what effect he has on the people around them, has no idea how he can make people want, or maybe he does.
Geng is a player. Siwon has seen him at school because you never hear, not when it comes to Han Geng. When it comes to the others you hear things, things about Sungmin and what he likes to do in closets, in bathroom stalls, in the locker rooms. You hear about Heechul and how he drives people insane, the things Heechul will let you do to him, the things Heechul will do to you. You hear about Kangin and Ryeowook, but you never hear about Geng.
The only thing Siwon knows is that Sungmin and Heechul and practically everyone at their high school wants Geng. And Geng knows it. He has to know it, has to because those looks, the smouldering eyes, the smirks, they can’t be all accidents. Siwon has seen the way Geng smirks at Sungmin, the way he glances at Heechul, the way he goes about the school, owning them all, because it’s one thing to get all the boys, but it is another completely to fluster up the playboys.
“Siwon, come look at this.” Geng calls from one of the stands.
Their train leaves in an hour and Siwon has always had a thing for being early, but this is Han Geng and he can’t refuse him anything. He walks over, smiling as Geng points at the little crosses on chains. Siwon blinks because, well, this is Geng, the playboy, the one who smirks and laughs and seduces. Siwon doesn’t understand where this new Geng came from, the happy one, the one holding the small chain to Siwon and looking at him.
“I like it. It’s very you.” Geng says turning to the girl. “How much is it?”
The pretty girl behind the counter stammers in her answer and immediately lowers the price when Geng frowns. Siwon doesn’t understand where the urge to pull Geng away comes from and he is just as surprised as Geng when he takes the other man’s hand.
“I like it,” Siwon says, “because you’re getting it for me.”
Han Geng smiles, almost the same smile from school, but not quite.
Siwon swallows, face burning bright red. This is what he never understood about Geng. He knows they haven’t known each other for long, but Geng hasn’t known anyone for too long. He hasn’t and he is already fooling around with Sungmin, slipping out in the middle of classes with Sungmin, to go to some closet or room. Geng has teased, working Heechul up to the point where they’ve ended up locked in a room for hours, yells and screams slipping out from the closed door. But, Geng has yet to do anything about Siwon. Siwon doesn’t know why. Geng has smiled at him, has flirted with him, has hinted to the point where it was practically sex with words, but that was it. There has been no kissing, no touching other than the hugs Siwon loves to give. And Siwon shouldn’t even be worried about this, because he has a nice girl waiting for him somewhere.
He knows he does, because that is who he is. Their school may be full of guys who want to get into each other’s pants, but Siwon hasn’t been like that, ever. Siwon is just good friends with Geng, good friends that should care for each other. And he knows he has to watch over Geng because there has to be something. He just knows that there is more to Geng’s story. There has to be something, because this young carefree creature walking in front of him is not the same Geng from school. This Geng is smiling and laughing and handing Siwon his present.
“Let’s go. I can’t wait to get back home.” Geng says taking Siwon’s suitcase and pulling it along.
Siwon follows quietly. He watches as Geng hands over his ticket to the train conductor, watches as the other man gets in and he follows. He follows Geng to the middle of the compartment. Geng has taken the window seat and Siwon puts the suitcases on the rack above them before sitting down next to him. As soon as he does Geng leans against him, head resting on Siwon’s shoulder.
“I’m tired.” Geng says, his voice dropping low.
“Sleep.” Siwon says. “Sleep. I’ll wake you up when we get there.”
There is a slight flicker of something behind those big brown eyes and Siwon swears that it’s mistrust. There is a flicker of something frail and vulnerable in those eyes, but it gone in the next second. Siwon can already see the smirk working its way into Geng’s face, but it never gets there. Han Geng smiles at him, pulls the arm rest up from between them and moves closer so that he’s snuggled against Siwon’s side.
“If you don’t wake me up you won’t be able to get anywhere and you’ll be all alone in China.” Geng says yawning. “And I know you don’t want to be alone in China Siwon.”
“Why would I even think of not waking you?” Siwon asks because the idea is just strange to him.
The look is back in Geng’s eyes when he looks at Siwon, that lost look, the one that says that he doesn’t believe him. The look that is almost afraid, like there is someone inside of Geng, a small child who wants to be hugged and loved. Siwon knows he’s hit something, maybe hit the reason why Geng is the way he is, because he doesn’t believe that the playboy at school is the real Geng. This one, this wonderful creature leaning against him with those big scared eyes, this one, this is Geng, the real Geng.
“Sleep.” Siwon says again.
Han Geng looks at him almost a beat too long and Siwon is glad that Geng closes his eyes when he does. There is a strange beating to his heart as he looks at the other man leaning against his shoulder. It doesn’t take long for Geng to sleep, his breath even, eyelashes fluttering gently against his cheeks, body completely relaxed against Siwon’s. There is a strand of hair that is falling over the right side of Geng’s face. Siwon looks at it, looks at the dark hair and he reaches over without thinking, pushing away the hair so that he can look at that sleeping face.
It’s sort of different, this thing that he’s feeling at this moment. The train compartment is empty except for that two of them as they sit. There is a quiet that fills up the space around them, silence, complete calm, as the train heads on, trees flashing past, roads, houses. It moves, but they don’t, not yet. They are in a train heading off to their summer vacation, meeting Geng’s parents for the first time, spending time alone just Geng and just him. There are no playboys here, no plays, no acts. This is just Siwon and Han Geng. It is just the two of them, Geng leaning on Siwon’s shoulder. Geng trusting Siwon enough to bring him to China, to his home, to meet his mother. Geng trusts him.
Geng trusts him.
It’s like reaching epiphany, only better, because this comes with a heart wrenching pull, a tug against Siwon’s heart so strong that for a second he thinks he has to get up and go for a quick walk. But, he doesn’t, because Geng needs him here, needs his shoulder to lean against, needs him to stay. Siwon stays and understands. Geng trusts him enough to bring him home, to maybe let him in, to let down those walls. Siwon understands this, understands how unbearably precious this moment and opportunity is. Geng trusts him and he vows to do everything to protect him, to prove to Geng that he does deserve that trust.
This is the real Geng, Siwon thinks. This man breathing softly against Siwon’s shoulder, this man is the real Geng, the one who is afraid to trust, but who manages to trust Siwon. This man is the Geng that he always knew was there, the Geng he wants to see, the Geng he wishes to be worthy of protecting. And God knows Siwon could fall for him, wants to fall for him, because in that moment on that train it is okay to admit this. It is okay because soon they’ll have to get up and walk on and Siwon can leave whatever he felt in that train and watch it speed off. But, Siwon knows, knows that he might be more than half in love already.
***
“What do you want to try first?” Geng asks as soon as they step out of the train. “We could go to one of the restaurants or go home. Do you want to go home first Siwon?”
Home. Yes, he would like to go home, but he might already be home, because being with Geng feels a lot like home.
“You said you wanted me to try your mama’s cooking.” Siwon replies softly.
Geng turns back to look at him, those eyes pulling Siwon in. “I want you to try her cooking.”
There is a smile on Geng’s face as they walk. He is walking next to Siwon who is pulling the two suitcases along because he wants to. Siwon is taken away, swept up in the way Geng walks around him, points to things, the way Geng laughs, smiles, the way he is so carefree and wonderfully beautiful. Just Beautiful.
“You have to see all of it.” Geng says. “China is beautiful and I want you to see all of it.”
Siwon nods because he wants to see everything, doesn’t care what it is they are going to see as long as Geng is there showing him.
“Come.” Geng says taking Siwon’s suitcase and holding onto his hand. “I want to show you something.”
Siwon says nothing. He lets Geng pull him along pointing out his old school. Siwon looks, listens because this is part of Geng’s past and he wants to know it all. He listens but he can’t make his brain ignore the way Geng’s hands feels in his. He likes the way their hands fit together, likes the way Geng holds on to him. He likes it, maybe a bit more than he should. But it feels right and he can’t ignore it. Geng’s hand belongs in his.
“So, this is it.”
Siwon looks up at the small house. They are at Geng’s house and Siwon doesn’t know what to do. He is going to sleep here, live here all summer. He’ll have Geng next to him every night, have Geng to himself all morning, afternoon, except when he has to share him with his family. But, this is it. This is the beginning of it all.
“It’s beautiful.” Siwon says. “I love it.”
“Thank you.” Geng says blushing slightly.
Siwon thinks he found his new favorite color. That tinge of pink on Geng’s face is wonderful, but he can’t explore it further because there is Geng’s mother, pulling her son in. There are hugs, happy tears and Siwon is welcomed like a son. They go through it all, the pampering, the gushing. Geng’s mother is an amazing woman. She laughs with them, jokes with them, smiles at her son and Siwon swears there is a flickering of understanding in those eyes when she catches him looking at the way Geng eats. Siwon blushes through that, but he can’t help himself. There is nothing more interesting than watching the way Geng’s eyes close as he eats mouthful after mouthful of his mother’s cooking, like he’s tasting small pieces of heaven.
After dinner, Geng gets up and pulls Siwon to their room. It’s Geng’s room and just that alone makes it so precious. There are posters of actors on the wall and Siwon can recognize Andy Lau. He recognizes some of the dancers too and when he tells Geng this there is excited talk. They sit on Han Geng’s bed, white sheets, folded down.
“Your mother is amazing.” Siwon says because it’s the truth.
“Yes, she is.” Geng agrees.
They say nothing because Siwon knows what they are going to talk about and he knows Geng is thinking the same thing. They have one room, one bed and that means that they either share or someone sleeps on the floor. Sharing is not a problem, shouldn’t be a problem. But it is. It is because Siwon doesn’t know what this is, doesn’t understand why he wants it, but he wants to slip under the covers with Geng’s body warm and wonderful next to him.
“I’ll sleep on the floor.” Siwon says.
“Oh.” Geng says. “Okay. There are extra pillows and things in the closet over there.”
There is a flash of something in Geng’s eyes as Siwon gets up. It almost looks like disappointment, but he doesn’t want to look at it too close, doesn’t want to get sucked in. It’s hard enough trying to convince himself that he is just here as a friend, just here to watch over Geng because he loves him, like any brother would. It’s hard enough without having Geng curl up next to him, their hands and legs tangling together…no Siwon doesn’t need that added to all of this.
***
They spend the next few weeks walking around China. Literally walking. Geng wakes up every morning, takes Siwon’s hand, and drags him out of bed. They walk to the corner, past the corner, into the next few streets. Siwon can’t remember how far they’ve walked, but they’ve done enough walking to last him a life time.
He doesn’t mind though. He doesn’t mind because when they walk Geng is free. When they walk he can see the way those brown eyes sparkle, the way Geng will move into Siwon when someone in the street leers at him. Siwon can wrap an arm around Geng then and pull him close and Geng won’t run away. After the first time, they walk hand in hand, Siwon throwing murdering glances at anyone who dares look at Geng. He does it because he is a friend and Geng doesn’t like it when people look at him that way. It had nothing to do with the pounding in his veins, the rush of blood that makes everything red. It had nothing to do with that because Siwon is just protecting his friend.
Siwon is still sleeping on the floor after their second month is almost over and although they say nothing about it, it has become weird. There is a look in Geng’s eyes whenever he sees Siwon sleeping on the floor. It is a look that Siwon doesn’t like, like maybe Geng is angry at him and if there is one thing Siwon can’t have is Geng angry at him.
He says nothing though and he doesn’t realize just how bad things are until they go drinking one day. Geng is being wild and carefree and the way he moves around is just breathtaking. Siwon can’t get enough of Geng moving with him, dancing, drinking glass after glass of that sweet juice they have at the bar. Siwon is taken away with every word that falls out of Geng’s mouth and he swears he is drunk just on Han Geng.
They leave the club well after midnight and walk back home, Siwon’s arm around Geng because it’s cold. That’s what Siwon tells himself. He tells himself that it’s cold and that’s why he pulls Geng over and into his arms. He tells himself that the reason he lifts a hand to Geng’s face is because he just wants to make sure that there is nothing on the other man’s face. He tells himself that the reason he sits on the bed with Geng is because he wants to make sure that Geng can get on alright, even though he knows perfectly well that Geng isn’t drunk. He is just being a good friend and that’s why he is doing all of this. There is no other reason.
But, then Geng is twining his fingers behind Siwon’s head and there is no excuse for why Siwon leans down to meet him halfway. When their lips touch Siwon remembers why he is here. He remembers Geng laughing, the sun shining down on his hair. He remembers Geng walking away, dancing, running, smiling, free, wonderful. He remembers those looks that Geng has been giving him all evening, the promising looks, the flirtatious smiles. It all comes back to him and then he’s moving his lips, his hands wrapping around Geng.
They sit there close, comfortable until a small urging from Geng sends Siwon’s mind out the window. Then, he’s pushing Geng on the bed, climbing over him, kissing hard, hands pressing into Geng’s back so that he draws a moan out of the other man.
“Siwon.” Geng whispers his breath hot against Siwon’s ear. “Siwon. I need you.”
Siwon doesn’t know what he’s supposed to be doing, but before he can even begin to tell himself that he doesn’t even like men, Geng has him out of his clothes. Siwon leans back helping Geng with his and then there is a blur of hands and lips and legs and Siwon can’t think. He forgets which way is up and which is down. He remembers nothing but Geng under him, the way Han Geng arches into his touches. Siwon learns how to love that night, how to fall and bring Geng with him. He learns that if he kisses the hollow of Geng’s neck, he’ll get a tug on his hair as a reward. He learns that Han Geng has beautiful skin, warm like honey, soft like velvet.
Siwon lets go. He falls into the feeling. He falls and knows that Geng is letting go too. He can feel it in the way they take things slow, in the way they don’t push. Siwon knows that this is new for both of them, different. He knows that he won’t regret this in the morning, can’t regret this ever. He falls asleep next to Geng that night, that warm body as wonderful as he imagined.
Of course he wakes up the next morning. He wakes up and everything is different. He wakes up and remembers that he is Siwon and that he promised to protect Geng. He promised to be a friend not to sleep with the other man. He wakes up and he remembers that Geng is a playboy, that he has done this all his life, has slept with men after men and that Siwon is just one more. He is just one more man in that long line.
Just one more.
***
Siwon says nothing about it. Geng says nothing about it. They let it go and at first it’s okay and then it isn’t. Geng’s eyes go cold, his hand isn’t in Siwon’s anymore, those laughs stop. Everything changes and Siwon doesn’t know why. He doesn’t understand what happened. He is afraid, so very afraid because one day he realizes that this is his fault. He has ruined the friendship between them, has ruined Geng because there is no smile anymore. He has ruined this wonderful being and he can’t forgive himself.
When Geng asks him to go to the club with him, Siwon wants to say no. He ends up saying yes because even if he has ruined everything, he can’t abandon Geng. He can’t deny him anything, doesn’t want to. So, he goes. He goes and sits himself at the bar, watching as Geng goes off to dance. Siwon keeps a close eye on him, watches as Geng keeps coming back to get drink after drink. Geng is dancing too, if you can call it that and he’s flirting. Siwon recognizes the old Geng, the one he thought they left at school. He sees the playboy behind those suggestive smiles, those smouldering gazes that are directed at the man next to Geng.
“What are you doing?” Siwon growls his hand tightening around Geng’s wrist when the other man comes back.
“What does it look like I’m doing?” Geng counters. “I’m having fun.”
Siwon lets go, mostly because that look in Geng’s eyes is so alien to him. He doesn’t recognize it, it’s not right, not in that face. But, Geng is gone before Siwon can take a good look at it, gone into the dance floor, surrounded almost immediately by the moving bodies. At first it is okay because the man who was there earlier saw Siwon and he has left Geng alone. But, there are other men and girls and one man in particular is bold enough to step forward. He has a mess of brown hair and dark eyes. There is a smirk permanently attached to his face as he presses closer to Geng.
Siwon watches because Geng is angry at him and he doesn’t know why. Is it because of what happened that night? They swore they wouldn’t talk about it, that it was over. Siwon didn’t want to, but Geng, well, he has never thought he could be like that, could lose control that way. He had hurt Geng, had pushed him away and it hurt more than Siwon knew was possible. He watches Han Geng as he wraps his arms around the younger man.
There is still something wildly beautiful and fragile about Geng, even when he is like that, pressing closer to the man in front of him, hips moving together, mouth hanging open, head thrown back. That beautiful neck that Siwon has seen before, that wonderful body arched against him, Geng’s hands in his hair, around his shoulders.
He’s walking over, people moving out of his way, but he doesn’t notice. His eyes are trained on Geng and then he’s pulling Han Geng away, dragging him away from the dance floor, out the door and into the alley behind the club.
“What were you doing?” Siwon asks. “Are you insane?”
Geng leans against the wall, his eyes closed, expression serene. “That was Kyuhyun. He said he wanted to dance with me.”
“You’re drunk.” Siwon says.
Geng smiles, opens his eyes and pulls Siwon to him by the collar. Their bodies are pressed close together, lips barely millimeters apart. Siwon can smell the alcohol from the way Geng exhales hard. He doesn’t know what is going on, is confused because he wants this, but not unless Geng wants it too. He’s made this mistake already, made the mistake of taking advantage of Geng and he won’t do it again, won’t hurt the other man ever again.
Geng’s hands move from his collar to the back of his neck. He arches off the wall and his lips land on Siwon’s neck. Siwon represses the shudder…or tires to anyway. But, Geng is there in his arms, moving so that their lips crash on top of each other. The moan from Geng’s mouth gets lost is the tangle of their tongues, the clash of their teeth. Siwon gasps and tightens his grip on Geng’s hip
“Is this what you want?” Geng asks and the venom in his voice breaks Siwon’s heart.
It’s not supposed to be this way. Geng should never be angry, never sound do hurt, so disgusted, Siwon wants this, how could he not want it? But, not like this, not angry, not rough. He wants what they had that night, something so soft and wonderful and beautiful. He wants to hold Geng after, hug him close, fall asleep with their arms around each other.
“Is this all you wanted Siwonnie?”Geng asks moving against Siwon as his hands fumble on Siwon’s belt.
“What are you talking about?” Siwon asks but Geng is already on his knees pushing Siwon against the alley wall.
“Geng.” Siwon whispers.
His words get lost in the loud moan that Geng draws from him with that tongue. It’s not right Siwon thinks even as he lets his hands wrap themselves in Geng’s hair. It’s not right but it is. He loses himself in the muffled moans from Geng as that mouth works hard and fast. Siwon is so gone, he can’t bring himself to care that they are in an alley and that anyone can come in. He doesn’t care because Geng is running his tongue over Siwon and that’s it for him. He comes with a string of words he can’t even work out.
“Don’t say that.” Geng says pushing away and getting up.
“What?”
There is a look in Geng’s eyes that Siwon doesn’t understand.
“Don’t say that.”
Siwon reaches out but then Geng is gone, turning away and running into the dark street. Siwon leans against the wall, cold and feeling completely dirty. He curses under his breath but then he’s off, pulling his clothes back together as he runs after Geng. He can’t remember which way the other man went, but he doesn’t need to. Something tells Siwon that he will find Geng no matter what. So, he doesn’t worry as he speeds past the streets. He makes it halfway back to the house when he spots Geng sitting on a bench.
Siwon slows down, catching his breath as he makes his way over.
“Geng.” He whispers.
That’s all it takes before Geng is falling into his arms, face buried into Siwon’s shoulder as his body shakes. There is something eternally fragile and sad about the way Geng comes undone in Siwon’s arms. There is that desire to protect so strong that Siwon doesn’t know what to do with himself. He knows why he’s so worked up, why he’s so scared, why he doesn’t know what to do. It’s because he loves this man. He loves this creature that’s holding onto him. He loves Han Geng.
And just like that he remembers what he said in the alley.
“I love you.”
Geng stops crying, freezes in Siwon’s arms. But, this is okay because Siwon knows what he loves Geng and that he would do anything for this man. He knows that if Geng asked him to go away he would. If Geng wanted him to pack his things and go, he would. If Geng asked him for anything he would give it to him. Whatever Geng wanted, he was ready to give.
“Don’t say that.” The whisper is so low that Siwon almost misses it.
“I love you.” Siwon repeats. “I love you.”
Geng shakes his head. “No. You don’t.”
Siwon laughs because he is happy. He laughs because this is relief. He laughs because Geng’s face is in his hands and because he knows that he can say this. It’s liberation, exultation, freedom.
“I love you.” Siwon says standing up and pulling Geng with him.
“I love you.” Siwon repeats eyes bright, smile wide. “I love you.”
Geng looks at him, all wide eyes and uncertain expression and it takes all of Siwon’s willpower not to crush him into a hug. He says nothing, just waits as Geng shifts from foot to foot.
“You can’t love me.” Geng whispers. “You’re not supposed to love me. No one is.”
Siwon frowns and then he’s holding Geng against him, eyes searching. “Who says no one is supposed to love you?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
Siwon pulls Geng back to him, looks into those eyes and lets himself fall.
“I love you. Every time I look at you I fall more in love with you. Don’t ever doubt it. I love you. I don’t know how to let you know, how to make you see exactly what I feel for you. Geng, I am in love with you.”
Geng looks at him and Siwon can see the way Geng calculates, tries to pick out the lies. There are none and then Geng is in his arms, those lips warm against his, hands soft, touches caressing.
They go back to school that fall and Siwon knows there is nothing more beautiful than taking Geng’s hand and walking in knowing that Geng belongs to him, just as much as he belongs to this man next to him, to that wonderful smile and beautiful eyes. China is wonderful Siwon thinks, because China got him Han Geng.
A/N: *flops* so dead. Anyway I hope you all enjoyed that and Imma go pass out now...oh props to Andi who came up with playboy!geng and the idea of shihan in china <3
Pairing: shihan
Genre: romance, angst
Rating: R (for some content)
Summary: Siwon knows there is nothing better than watching Geng, free, beautiful and wonderful. He loves him and he wants to take care of him forever. He just doesn't know how.
Note: Something to keep Annie
shihan_ai happy. A/N: This is for Annie and me because we are both just amazing and wonderful XD and because we needed to know what happened in China. I just want to say that my knuckles are like bleeding D: There is clearly something wrong with me if I just updated like three fics in a row. OTL I couldn't help myself. Anyway this can be called a sort of but not really collab between me and
shihan_ai Mostly this came from Andi's refusal to tell us what happened in China. I am pretty sure our conversation when something like this:Ana: What happened in China?????
Annie: YOU DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO ME AND ANA OMG. I SWEAR WHAT HAPPENED IN CHINA JUST LOOMS OVER US TWO LIKE SOME KIND OF WONDERFUL HAVEN THAT WE JUST CAN'T REACH.
Ana: YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THE DESPERATION. WE BOTH KNOW IT'S THERE AND SO DAMN CLOSE AND WE CAN'T GET THERE...WE CAN'TTTTTTTTTTTT D:
Annie: *sobs and goes off on shihan ramble*
Ana: *sobs because of Annie's ramble and follows up on said ramble*
Andi: (probably thinking we're crazy) *walks in, sits and sips tea* Do go on.
Clearly you all know who is to blame for this shihan. It's Andi. And obviously there is something wrong with me and Annie. but, it's okay because I love her and she loves me and she knows it. And so I have taken our ramble, added some words and plot and made it into this fic. If I hadn't all you would have gotten was a lot of sobbing and incoherent key smash and that doesn't make a good fic =\
“Hyung,” Siwon says as he tugs on Han Geng’s suitcase. “Let me help.”
Han Geng laughs but let’s Siwon take it. He walks along and Siwon watches him, watches the way Geng laughs and smiles and looks at all the people in the train station as if they are special and wonderful and he can’t wait to hug them. There is a spring in every step Geng takes and Siwon is glad he took the suitcase.
He loves watching Geng like this, loves watching as the other man practically runs from stand to stand looking at the things, touching, smiling at the stand owners, getting blushes from the young girls running the register. Han Geng doesn’t even realize what effect he has on the people around them, has no idea how he can make people want, or maybe he does.
Geng is a player. Siwon has seen him at school because you never hear, not when it comes to Han Geng. When it comes to the others you hear things, things about Sungmin and what he likes to do in closets, in bathroom stalls, in the locker rooms. You hear about Heechul and how he drives people insane, the things Heechul will let you do to him, the things Heechul will do to you. You hear about Kangin and Ryeowook, but you never hear about Geng.
The only thing Siwon knows is that Sungmin and Heechul and practically everyone at their high school wants Geng. And Geng knows it. He has to know it, has to because those looks, the smouldering eyes, the smirks, they can’t be all accidents. Siwon has seen the way Geng smirks at Sungmin, the way he glances at Heechul, the way he goes about the school, owning them all, because it’s one thing to get all the boys, but it is another completely to fluster up the playboys.
“Siwon, come look at this.” Geng calls from one of the stands.
Their train leaves in an hour and Siwon has always had a thing for being early, but this is Han Geng and he can’t refuse him anything. He walks over, smiling as Geng points at the little crosses on chains. Siwon blinks because, well, this is Geng, the playboy, the one who smirks and laughs and seduces. Siwon doesn’t understand where this new Geng came from, the happy one, the one holding the small chain to Siwon and looking at him.
“I like it. It’s very you.” Geng says turning to the girl. “How much is it?”
The pretty girl behind the counter stammers in her answer and immediately lowers the price when Geng frowns. Siwon doesn’t understand where the urge to pull Geng away comes from and he is just as surprised as Geng when he takes the other man’s hand.
“I like it,” Siwon says, “because you’re getting it for me.”
Han Geng smiles, almost the same smile from school, but not quite.
Siwon swallows, face burning bright red. This is what he never understood about Geng. He knows they haven’t known each other for long, but Geng hasn’t known anyone for too long. He hasn’t and he is already fooling around with Sungmin, slipping out in the middle of classes with Sungmin, to go to some closet or room. Geng has teased, working Heechul up to the point where they’ve ended up locked in a room for hours, yells and screams slipping out from the closed door. But, Geng has yet to do anything about Siwon. Siwon doesn’t know why. Geng has smiled at him, has flirted with him, has hinted to the point where it was practically sex with words, but that was it. There has been no kissing, no touching other than the hugs Siwon loves to give. And Siwon shouldn’t even be worried about this, because he has a nice girl waiting for him somewhere.
He knows he does, because that is who he is. Their school may be full of guys who want to get into each other’s pants, but Siwon hasn’t been like that, ever. Siwon is just good friends with Geng, good friends that should care for each other. And he knows he has to watch over Geng because there has to be something. He just knows that there is more to Geng’s story. There has to be something, because this young carefree creature walking in front of him is not the same Geng from school. This Geng is smiling and laughing and handing Siwon his present.
“Let’s go. I can’t wait to get back home.” Geng says taking Siwon’s suitcase and pulling it along.
Siwon follows quietly. He watches as Geng hands over his ticket to the train conductor, watches as the other man gets in and he follows. He follows Geng to the middle of the compartment. Geng has taken the window seat and Siwon puts the suitcases on the rack above them before sitting down next to him. As soon as he does Geng leans against him, head resting on Siwon’s shoulder.
“I’m tired.” Geng says, his voice dropping low.
“Sleep.” Siwon says. “Sleep. I’ll wake you up when we get there.”
There is a slight flicker of something behind those big brown eyes and Siwon swears that it’s mistrust. There is a flicker of something frail and vulnerable in those eyes, but it gone in the next second. Siwon can already see the smirk working its way into Geng’s face, but it never gets there. Han Geng smiles at him, pulls the arm rest up from between them and moves closer so that he’s snuggled against Siwon’s side.
“If you don’t wake me up you won’t be able to get anywhere and you’ll be all alone in China.” Geng says yawning. “And I know you don’t want to be alone in China Siwon.”
“Why would I even think of not waking you?” Siwon asks because the idea is just strange to him.
The look is back in Geng’s eyes when he looks at Siwon, that lost look, the one that says that he doesn’t believe him. The look that is almost afraid, like there is someone inside of Geng, a small child who wants to be hugged and loved. Siwon knows he’s hit something, maybe hit the reason why Geng is the way he is, because he doesn’t believe that the playboy at school is the real Geng. This one, this wonderful creature leaning against him with those big scared eyes, this one, this is Geng, the real Geng.
“Sleep.” Siwon says again.
Han Geng looks at him almost a beat too long and Siwon is glad that Geng closes his eyes when he does. There is a strange beating to his heart as he looks at the other man leaning against his shoulder. It doesn’t take long for Geng to sleep, his breath even, eyelashes fluttering gently against his cheeks, body completely relaxed against Siwon’s. There is a strand of hair that is falling over the right side of Geng’s face. Siwon looks at it, looks at the dark hair and he reaches over without thinking, pushing away the hair so that he can look at that sleeping face.
It’s sort of different, this thing that he’s feeling at this moment. The train compartment is empty except for that two of them as they sit. There is a quiet that fills up the space around them, silence, complete calm, as the train heads on, trees flashing past, roads, houses. It moves, but they don’t, not yet. They are in a train heading off to their summer vacation, meeting Geng’s parents for the first time, spending time alone just Geng and just him. There are no playboys here, no plays, no acts. This is just Siwon and Han Geng. It is just the two of them, Geng leaning on Siwon’s shoulder. Geng trusting Siwon enough to bring him to China, to his home, to meet his mother. Geng trusts him.
Geng trusts him.
It’s like reaching epiphany, only better, because this comes with a heart wrenching pull, a tug against Siwon’s heart so strong that for a second he thinks he has to get up and go for a quick walk. But, he doesn’t, because Geng needs him here, needs his shoulder to lean against, needs him to stay. Siwon stays and understands. Geng trusts him enough to bring him home, to maybe let him in, to let down those walls. Siwon understands this, understands how unbearably precious this moment and opportunity is. Geng trusts him and he vows to do everything to protect him, to prove to Geng that he does deserve that trust.
This is the real Geng, Siwon thinks. This man breathing softly against Siwon’s shoulder, this man is the real Geng, the one who is afraid to trust, but who manages to trust Siwon. This man is the Geng that he always knew was there, the Geng he wants to see, the Geng he wishes to be worthy of protecting. And God knows Siwon could fall for him, wants to fall for him, because in that moment on that train it is okay to admit this. It is okay because soon they’ll have to get up and walk on and Siwon can leave whatever he felt in that train and watch it speed off. But, Siwon knows, knows that he might be more than half in love already.
***
“What do you want to try first?” Geng asks as soon as they step out of the train. “We could go to one of the restaurants or go home. Do you want to go home first Siwon?”
Home. Yes, he would like to go home, but he might already be home, because being with Geng feels a lot like home.
“You said you wanted me to try your mama’s cooking.” Siwon replies softly.
Geng turns back to look at him, those eyes pulling Siwon in. “I want you to try her cooking.”
There is a smile on Geng’s face as they walk. He is walking next to Siwon who is pulling the two suitcases along because he wants to. Siwon is taken away, swept up in the way Geng walks around him, points to things, the way Geng laughs, smiles, the way he is so carefree and wonderfully beautiful. Just Beautiful.
“You have to see all of it.” Geng says. “China is beautiful and I want you to see all of it.”
Siwon nods because he wants to see everything, doesn’t care what it is they are going to see as long as Geng is there showing him.
“Come.” Geng says taking Siwon’s suitcase and holding onto his hand. “I want to show you something.”
Siwon says nothing. He lets Geng pull him along pointing out his old school. Siwon looks, listens because this is part of Geng’s past and he wants to know it all. He listens but he can’t make his brain ignore the way Geng’s hands feels in his. He likes the way their hands fit together, likes the way Geng holds on to him. He likes it, maybe a bit more than he should. But it feels right and he can’t ignore it. Geng’s hand belongs in his.
“So, this is it.”
Siwon looks up at the small house. They are at Geng’s house and Siwon doesn’t know what to do. He is going to sleep here, live here all summer. He’ll have Geng next to him every night, have Geng to himself all morning, afternoon, except when he has to share him with his family. But, this is it. This is the beginning of it all.
“It’s beautiful.” Siwon says. “I love it.”
“Thank you.” Geng says blushing slightly.
Siwon thinks he found his new favorite color. That tinge of pink on Geng’s face is wonderful, but he can’t explore it further because there is Geng’s mother, pulling her son in. There are hugs, happy tears and Siwon is welcomed like a son. They go through it all, the pampering, the gushing. Geng’s mother is an amazing woman. She laughs with them, jokes with them, smiles at her son and Siwon swears there is a flickering of understanding in those eyes when she catches him looking at the way Geng eats. Siwon blushes through that, but he can’t help himself. There is nothing more interesting than watching the way Geng’s eyes close as he eats mouthful after mouthful of his mother’s cooking, like he’s tasting small pieces of heaven.
After dinner, Geng gets up and pulls Siwon to their room. It’s Geng’s room and just that alone makes it so precious. There are posters of actors on the wall and Siwon can recognize Andy Lau. He recognizes some of the dancers too and when he tells Geng this there is excited talk. They sit on Han Geng’s bed, white sheets, folded down.
“Your mother is amazing.” Siwon says because it’s the truth.
“Yes, she is.” Geng agrees.
They say nothing because Siwon knows what they are going to talk about and he knows Geng is thinking the same thing. They have one room, one bed and that means that they either share or someone sleeps on the floor. Sharing is not a problem, shouldn’t be a problem. But it is. It is because Siwon doesn’t know what this is, doesn’t understand why he wants it, but he wants to slip under the covers with Geng’s body warm and wonderful next to him.
“I’ll sleep on the floor.” Siwon says.
“Oh.” Geng says. “Okay. There are extra pillows and things in the closet over there.”
There is a flash of something in Geng’s eyes as Siwon gets up. It almost looks like disappointment, but he doesn’t want to look at it too close, doesn’t want to get sucked in. It’s hard enough trying to convince himself that he is just here as a friend, just here to watch over Geng because he loves him, like any brother would. It’s hard enough without having Geng curl up next to him, their hands and legs tangling together…no Siwon doesn’t need that added to all of this.
***
They spend the next few weeks walking around China. Literally walking. Geng wakes up every morning, takes Siwon’s hand, and drags him out of bed. They walk to the corner, past the corner, into the next few streets. Siwon can’t remember how far they’ve walked, but they’ve done enough walking to last him a life time.
He doesn’t mind though. He doesn’t mind because when they walk Geng is free. When they walk he can see the way those brown eyes sparkle, the way Geng will move into Siwon when someone in the street leers at him. Siwon can wrap an arm around Geng then and pull him close and Geng won’t run away. After the first time, they walk hand in hand, Siwon throwing murdering glances at anyone who dares look at Geng. He does it because he is a friend and Geng doesn’t like it when people look at him that way. It had nothing to do with the pounding in his veins, the rush of blood that makes everything red. It had nothing to do with that because Siwon is just protecting his friend.
Siwon is still sleeping on the floor after their second month is almost over and although they say nothing about it, it has become weird. There is a look in Geng’s eyes whenever he sees Siwon sleeping on the floor. It is a look that Siwon doesn’t like, like maybe Geng is angry at him and if there is one thing Siwon can’t have is Geng angry at him.
He says nothing though and he doesn’t realize just how bad things are until they go drinking one day. Geng is being wild and carefree and the way he moves around is just breathtaking. Siwon can’t get enough of Geng moving with him, dancing, drinking glass after glass of that sweet juice they have at the bar. Siwon is taken away with every word that falls out of Geng’s mouth and he swears he is drunk just on Han Geng.
They leave the club well after midnight and walk back home, Siwon’s arm around Geng because it’s cold. That’s what Siwon tells himself. He tells himself that it’s cold and that’s why he pulls Geng over and into his arms. He tells himself that the reason he lifts a hand to Geng’s face is because he just wants to make sure that there is nothing on the other man’s face. He tells himself that the reason he sits on the bed with Geng is because he wants to make sure that Geng can get on alright, even though he knows perfectly well that Geng isn’t drunk. He is just being a good friend and that’s why he is doing all of this. There is no other reason.
But, then Geng is twining his fingers behind Siwon’s head and there is no excuse for why Siwon leans down to meet him halfway. When their lips touch Siwon remembers why he is here. He remembers Geng laughing, the sun shining down on his hair. He remembers Geng walking away, dancing, running, smiling, free, wonderful. He remembers those looks that Geng has been giving him all evening, the promising looks, the flirtatious smiles. It all comes back to him and then he’s moving his lips, his hands wrapping around Geng.
They sit there close, comfortable until a small urging from Geng sends Siwon’s mind out the window. Then, he’s pushing Geng on the bed, climbing over him, kissing hard, hands pressing into Geng’s back so that he draws a moan out of the other man.
“Siwon.” Geng whispers his breath hot against Siwon’s ear. “Siwon. I need you.”
Siwon doesn’t know what he’s supposed to be doing, but before he can even begin to tell himself that he doesn’t even like men, Geng has him out of his clothes. Siwon leans back helping Geng with his and then there is a blur of hands and lips and legs and Siwon can’t think. He forgets which way is up and which is down. He remembers nothing but Geng under him, the way Han Geng arches into his touches. Siwon learns how to love that night, how to fall and bring Geng with him. He learns that if he kisses the hollow of Geng’s neck, he’ll get a tug on his hair as a reward. He learns that Han Geng has beautiful skin, warm like honey, soft like velvet.
Siwon lets go. He falls into the feeling. He falls and knows that Geng is letting go too. He can feel it in the way they take things slow, in the way they don’t push. Siwon knows that this is new for both of them, different. He knows that he won’t regret this in the morning, can’t regret this ever. He falls asleep next to Geng that night, that warm body as wonderful as he imagined.
Of course he wakes up the next morning. He wakes up and everything is different. He wakes up and remembers that he is Siwon and that he promised to protect Geng. He promised to be a friend not to sleep with the other man. He wakes up and he remembers that Geng is a playboy, that he has done this all his life, has slept with men after men and that Siwon is just one more. He is just one more man in that long line.
Just one more.
***
Siwon says nothing about it. Geng says nothing about it. They let it go and at first it’s okay and then it isn’t. Geng’s eyes go cold, his hand isn’t in Siwon’s anymore, those laughs stop. Everything changes and Siwon doesn’t know why. He doesn’t understand what happened. He is afraid, so very afraid because one day he realizes that this is his fault. He has ruined the friendship between them, has ruined Geng because there is no smile anymore. He has ruined this wonderful being and he can’t forgive himself.
When Geng asks him to go to the club with him, Siwon wants to say no. He ends up saying yes because even if he has ruined everything, he can’t abandon Geng. He can’t deny him anything, doesn’t want to. So, he goes. He goes and sits himself at the bar, watching as Geng goes off to dance. Siwon keeps a close eye on him, watches as Geng keeps coming back to get drink after drink. Geng is dancing too, if you can call it that and he’s flirting. Siwon recognizes the old Geng, the one he thought they left at school. He sees the playboy behind those suggestive smiles, those smouldering gazes that are directed at the man next to Geng.
“What are you doing?” Siwon growls his hand tightening around Geng’s wrist when the other man comes back.
“What does it look like I’m doing?” Geng counters. “I’m having fun.”
Siwon lets go, mostly because that look in Geng’s eyes is so alien to him. He doesn’t recognize it, it’s not right, not in that face. But, Geng is gone before Siwon can take a good look at it, gone into the dance floor, surrounded almost immediately by the moving bodies. At first it is okay because the man who was there earlier saw Siwon and he has left Geng alone. But, there are other men and girls and one man in particular is bold enough to step forward. He has a mess of brown hair and dark eyes. There is a smirk permanently attached to his face as he presses closer to Geng.
Siwon watches because Geng is angry at him and he doesn’t know why. Is it because of what happened that night? They swore they wouldn’t talk about it, that it was over. Siwon didn’t want to, but Geng, well, he has never thought he could be like that, could lose control that way. He had hurt Geng, had pushed him away and it hurt more than Siwon knew was possible. He watches Han Geng as he wraps his arms around the younger man.
There is still something wildly beautiful and fragile about Geng, even when he is like that, pressing closer to the man in front of him, hips moving together, mouth hanging open, head thrown back. That beautiful neck that Siwon has seen before, that wonderful body arched against him, Geng’s hands in his hair, around his shoulders.
He’s walking over, people moving out of his way, but he doesn’t notice. His eyes are trained on Geng and then he’s pulling Han Geng away, dragging him away from the dance floor, out the door and into the alley behind the club.
“What were you doing?” Siwon asks. “Are you insane?”
Geng leans against the wall, his eyes closed, expression serene. “That was Kyuhyun. He said he wanted to dance with me.”
“You’re drunk.” Siwon says.
Geng smiles, opens his eyes and pulls Siwon to him by the collar. Their bodies are pressed close together, lips barely millimeters apart. Siwon can smell the alcohol from the way Geng exhales hard. He doesn’t know what is going on, is confused because he wants this, but not unless Geng wants it too. He’s made this mistake already, made the mistake of taking advantage of Geng and he won’t do it again, won’t hurt the other man ever again.
Geng’s hands move from his collar to the back of his neck. He arches off the wall and his lips land on Siwon’s neck. Siwon represses the shudder…or tires to anyway. But, Geng is there in his arms, moving so that their lips crash on top of each other. The moan from Geng’s mouth gets lost is the tangle of their tongues, the clash of their teeth. Siwon gasps and tightens his grip on Geng’s hip
“Is this what you want?” Geng asks and the venom in his voice breaks Siwon’s heart.
It’s not supposed to be this way. Geng should never be angry, never sound do hurt, so disgusted, Siwon wants this, how could he not want it? But, not like this, not angry, not rough. He wants what they had that night, something so soft and wonderful and beautiful. He wants to hold Geng after, hug him close, fall asleep with their arms around each other.
“Is this all you wanted Siwonnie?”Geng asks moving against Siwon as his hands fumble on Siwon’s belt.
“What are you talking about?” Siwon asks but Geng is already on his knees pushing Siwon against the alley wall.
“Geng.” Siwon whispers.
His words get lost in the loud moan that Geng draws from him with that tongue. It’s not right Siwon thinks even as he lets his hands wrap themselves in Geng’s hair. It’s not right but it is. He loses himself in the muffled moans from Geng as that mouth works hard and fast. Siwon is so gone, he can’t bring himself to care that they are in an alley and that anyone can come in. He doesn’t care because Geng is running his tongue over Siwon and that’s it for him. He comes with a string of words he can’t even work out.
“Don’t say that.” Geng says pushing away and getting up.
“What?”
There is a look in Geng’s eyes that Siwon doesn’t understand.
“Don’t say that.”
Siwon reaches out but then Geng is gone, turning away and running into the dark street. Siwon leans against the wall, cold and feeling completely dirty. He curses under his breath but then he’s off, pulling his clothes back together as he runs after Geng. He can’t remember which way the other man went, but he doesn’t need to. Something tells Siwon that he will find Geng no matter what. So, he doesn’t worry as he speeds past the streets. He makes it halfway back to the house when he spots Geng sitting on a bench.
Siwon slows down, catching his breath as he makes his way over.
“Geng.” He whispers.
That’s all it takes before Geng is falling into his arms, face buried into Siwon’s shoulder as his body shakes. There is something eternally fragile and sad about the way Geng comes undone in Siwon’s arms. There is that desire to protect so strong that Siwon doesn’t know what to do with himself. He knows why he’s so worked up, why he’s so scared, why he doesn’t know what to do. It’s because he loves this man. He loves this creature that’s holding onto him. He loves Han Geng.
And just like that he remembers what he said in the alley.
“I love you.”
Geng stops crying, freezes in Siwon’s arms. But, this is okay because Siwon knows what he loves Geng and that he would do anything for this man. He knows that if Geng asked him to go away he would. If Geng wanted him to pack his things and go, he would. If Geng asked him for anything he would give it to him. Whatever Geng wanted, he was ready to give.
“Don’t say that.” The whisper is so low that Siwon almost misses it.
“I love you.” Siwon repeats. “I love you.”
Geng shakes his head. “No. You don’t.”
Siwon laughs because he is happy. He laughs because this is relief. He laughs because Geng’s face is in his hands and because he knows that he can say this. It’s liberation, exultation, freedom.
“I love you.” Siwon says standing up and pulling Geng with him.
“I love you.” Siwon repeats eyes bright, smile wide. “I love you.”
Geng looks at him, all wide eyes and uncertain expression and it takes all of Siwon’s willpower not to crush him into a hug. He says nothing, just waits as Geng shifts from foot to foot.
“You can’t love me.” Geng whispers. “You’re not supposed to love me. No one is.”
Siwon frowns and then he’s holding Geng against him, eyes searching. “Who says no one is supposed to love you?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
Siwon pulls Geng back to him, looks into those eyes and lets himself fall.
“I love you. Every time I look at you I fall more in love with you. Don’t ever doubt it. I love you. I don’t know how to let you know, how to make you see exactly what I feel for you. Geng, I am in love with you.”
Geng looks at him and Siwon can see the way Geng calculates, tries to pick out the lies. There are none and then Geng is in his arms, those lips warm against his, hands soft, touches caressing.
They go back to school that fall and Siwon knows there is nothing more beautiful than taking Geng’s hand and walking in knowing that Geng belongs to him, just as much as he belongs to this man next to him, to that wonderful smile and beautiful eyes. China is wonderful Siwon thinks, because China got him Han Geng.
A/N: *flops* so dead. Anyway I hope you all enjoyed that and Imma go pass out now...oh props to Andi who came up with playboy!geng and the idea of shihan in china <3