static_abyss (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
static_abyss) wrote2011-02-22 02:46 am
static_abyss) wrote2011-02-22 02:46 am
Beautiful
Title: Beautiful
Pairing: Shihan, Kyuhan, ninja!hanjae, friendhship!hanchul, zhouchul
Genre: angst
Rating: PG-13
Summary: When Siwon was there it was beautiful and when he wasn't...well, there was Kyuhyun.
Notes: For my lovely twin![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
shihan_ai and for lady_mizera
A/N: I just want to say that this is 5,432 words so \0/ and also...ANNIE ARE YOU HAPPY??? DID YOU SEE THE LOVELY PAIRINGS I HAVE HERE FOR YOU. I ACTUALLY NINJA'D IN HANJAE AND I LIKED IT!!! And because I know you like hanjae living together ;) Anyway I hope you like this and I am going to go sleep now because my brain is so dead. But, there, be happy!!! grr there was supposed to be more to this A/N and now I can't remember. Except...YES I DID NINJA IN HANCHUL ANNIE SO HA!!
Hankyung knows there is nothing better than the feeling you get when you are living with someone who loves you and who cares about you. There is nothing better than getting up each morning to brown eyes and soft singing from a voice that could melt hearts. There is nothing better than rolling over in bed and into that warm embrace. There can never be anything better than Kyuhyun in the morning whispering “I love you” in his hair. There is nothing better than that, there never has been.
Hankyung has been living with Kyuhyun for five years. Five years since Hankyung broke down in front of those steps. Five years since he thought his world was ending and that there was no end to the pain. Five years since he was left alone in the rain to cry it out until he couldn’t see, couldn’t feel, was so numb he would have stayed curled up on those steps forever. If Heechul hadn’t found him he would have slept there, curled up under the archway of the church. Hankyung still isn’t sure how Heechul even knew that he was there, Heechul who never went to church.
All that Hankyung remembers from that night is Heechul’s arms around him, cursing the person who left Hankyung there alone. He remembers Heechul taking him home and putting him into the shower. He remembers Heechul washing his hair, drying it for him, tucking him into bed. He remembers Heechul holding his hand while he tried to sleep, holding him while he cried. Heechul who moved in with Zhou Mi eventually. But, he was always there, always there when Hankyung needed him.
To this day Hankyung wonders if it wouldn’t have been better for him to have fallen in love with Heechul instead of the man who left him crying and broken under the church doorway. But, Heechul is happy with Zhou Mi and Hankyung loves Zhou Mi and he is happy where he ended up. He is happy because the person he saw the next morning those five years ago was Kyuhyun. It was Kyuhyun who thanked Heechul and who took Hankyung home.
Hankyung has been living with Kyuhyun since then. Kyuhyun cooked him breakfast every morning in the beginning, took his hand, pulled him outside. Kyuhyun was wild and carefree for Hankyung so that Hankyung didn’t feel guilty for not being happier. Kyuhyun let him cry into his shoulder at night when Heechul had gone home. Heechul came and he was there, but it was Kyuhyun who was there every day, every single second because it was Kyuhyun who Hankyung lived with.
Living with Kyuhyun reminded Hankyung a little of living with Jaejoong. When he was younger, he thought that he and Jae would be living together forever. They had been so perfect, had fit together so easily. Jaejoong was beautiful, was love and care. Jaejoong, sweeter and lovelier than anyone Hankyung had ever met. He would have been living with Jaejoong at that very moment if Jae hasn’t gotten up and gone to America, Japan, all over to follow his dream of becoming a singer. Hankyung didn’t reproach him anything. Jaejoong was beautiful, deserved to be seen and heard by all and Hankyung knew that when he was ready Jaejoong would come back. It had always been like that, Hankyung waiting, like that until he had met Siwon.
Siwon had been a spur of the moment. Siwon had come to him while Hankyung was studying in Korea with Heechul. Siwon who was tall, imposing, gorgeous with those big brown eyes that had Hankyung’s heart running in a second. Siwon. Siwon had been peace and happiness. Siwon had been beautiful and pure and Hankyung had loved Siwon with all his heart. Hankyung...Hankyung might still love Siwon.
But, he couldn’t. He couldn’t because he was living with Kyuhyun. He couldn’t love Siwon because he had decided. Hankyung was living with Kyuhyun. He was making love to Kyuhyun every night, was lying down next to him, was gasping Kyuhyun’s name at night when the curtains were drawn, was sometimes muffling moans against his hand when Kyuhyun got possessive. He didn’t love Siwon.
Except he did.
He did love Siwon. He loved Siwon because it had been so beautiful and lovely and it had taken him up in waves of happiness. He had been so happy, so deliriously happy, so happy.
***
The new kids in their college are named Siwon and Zhou Mi. Hankyung and Heechul both see them at the same time, but where Heechul hisses that the tall, long legged one is his, Hankyung keeps quiet. He doesn’t need to argue with Heechul because even though the tall long legged one sends a sort of half flirtatious smile his way, Hankyung can’t get the other one out of his head.
He soon finds out that the other one who they’ve been referring to as Muscles is actually Siwon and that Legs is Zhou Mi. Heechul asks Hankyung or well more like informs Hankyung that he is going to go after Zhou Mi and Hankyung nods. He lets Heechul go after Zhou Mi because that brings him closer to Siwon.
They are both sitting at their lunch table one day a few months later watching how Heechul flirts his way onto Zhou Mi’s lap. It’s typical of Heechul to have Zhou Mi already half moaning in front of the whole cafeteria.
Hankyung coughs almost delicately. “Heechul-ah, as much as I would love to see you strip Zhou Mi naked, I think it’s time to get a room.”
Heechul detaches himself from Zhou Mi, whose cheeks are tinged a pretty pink color, and sends a glare at Hankyung.
“I left my keys in the room. Give me yours and don’t come in there until tomorrow.”
Hankyung wants to protest but Heechul is sending a rather pointed glare when Siwon turns away. It is only when Siwon turns back around that Hankyung realizes that Siwon shares a room with Zhou Mi. And if Zhou Mi is busy then Hankyung and Siwon…well…
Hankyung hands over his keys much happier this time and watches as Zhou Mi and Heechul disappear.
“Well, I guess it’s just you and me then hyung.” Siwon says flashing those lovely dimples.
Hankyung nods and follows Siwon to the room. It is late, way too late for Hankyung to have some excuse to go out. He is nervous, just because this is Siwon and he’s been hiding a crush since he first laid eyes on Siwon. For Heechul it was easy. He simply went up to Zhou Mi said I want you in my bed and that was it. Hankyung was a tad more…just…well he couldn’t bring himself to say that to Siwon because he still wasn’t sure what exactly were Siwon’s preferences.
“So, hyung do you want to shower first or should I?” Siwon asks pulling out extra clothes, a combination of his and Zhou Mi’s, for Hankyung.
Hankyung can’t answer because he just realized that Siwon and he are going to be sharing a room and he is at a point in his life where it is still completely normal to be nervous out of your mind when you and a potential lover are going to share a bed…or room.
“Or do you want to shower together?”
Hankyung looks up so fast that he’s sure he fractured something. Siwon is laughing at him and he wants to shut the other man up. Hankyung isn’t sure if Siwon is laughing because he knows what is going on in Hankyung’s mind or if it’s because Hankyung looks as horror stricken as he is. It’s not that he doesn’t like the idea of showering with Siwon because he does. It’s just that well, it’s Siwon.
“I…I…”
Siwon hugs him. “You can go first hyung. I’ll go get something for us to drink.”
Hankyung nods and steps into the shower. He doesn’t know what he is expecting, maybe Siwon coming into the bathroom and pining him to the shower wall, wet, both molding together, so well. He doesn’t know if it’s that or if it’s Siwon accidentally stepping into the room at the same time he steps out. He doesn't know, but what happens is so much better.
When Hankyung steps into the room, he is dressed and drying his hair. When he looks up Siwon is there, standing too close and Hankyung can’t move. He does nothing as Siwon comes closer. He is practically frozen until Siwon’s lips touch his and then he is kissing back just as hard, if not harder. His hands are in Siwon’s hair and Siwon is pulling him closer.
When they pull apart for air, Siwon looks at him and smiles. “I’ve been waiting so long to do that.”
Hankyung thinks that maybe he mutters something like “about time” or “too long” or something along those lines but it doesn’t really matter because he is kissing Siwon again and it is like a drug, pulling him in, wrapping him in warmth and love, because yes, he is in love.
***
Siwon is the perfect gentleman. Hankyung loves that about Siwon, loves that Siwon holds doors open for him, loves that Siwon takes his hand, hugs him at random moments. Hankyung just loves everything about him and he is falling harder each day.
The only problem he can find, if you can call it a problem, is that Siwon does little more than kiss him occasionally. It’s almost as if Siwon is afraid of taking the next step, of breaking open that calm, collected barrier he has built. They almost get there one time, when Hankyung thinks it is enough.
He has Siwon pressed against the wall, lips pressed hard against Siwon’s, tongue fighting Siwon’s. His hands are busy unbuttoning Siwon’s shirt, slipping inside, pulling it off. Siwon is kissing him back but Hankyung wants a little more. He wants Siwon’s hands somewhere else besides his hair and face. He wants Siwon’s hands touching him the way Hankyung wants to touch Siwon. He reaches blindly for Siwon’s hands and when he finds one he puts it on his hip, just under his shirt. Siwon shivers against him and Hankyung lets out a moan. It seems to jolt Siwon awake and suddenly he’s pulling away and Hankyung is left alone staring at the wall, heart running, body burning.
“What is it?” Hankyung asks not turning around. “Is…am I…”
Siwon is there in five seconds flat turning him around and pulling him into his arms. “It’s not you.”
Hankyung laughs. This is stupid and clichéd and he is not a fucking girl. He wants to tell Siwon this, but he can’t because Siwon is murmuring something into his hair. Hankyung is quiet and when he hears those three words he can’t be angry anymore. He could never be angry or hurt or confused because there is no confusion in I love you.
***
They are at a party, one that Zhou Mi and Heechul are hosting so Hankyung knows there will be beer and soju and loud music and men. He knows he should stay home, but Siwon has agreed to go for whatever reason and Hankyung loves to dance. They’ve sort of done this thing where Zhou Mi is now dorming with Heechul and Siwon is with Hankyung.
When Hankyung steps out of their room, he knows he did the right thing. Siwon is standing by the couch looking hot and dangerous in tight pants, a shirt, no buttons and a hat. He’s done something with his eyes but Hankyung can’t really pay attention because the whole thing is just delicious in a very sinful way.
“Geng…” Siwon says his voice sounding almost hoarse.
Hankyung smirks when he sees the way Siwon is looking at him. He isn’t too dressed up just wearing the tight jeans Heechul insisted he wear and the black shirt, yes to the buttons, and he has his hair messed up in that I-just-had-great-sex kind of way. He knows he looks good and the way Siwon looks at him makes it that much nicer.
They go to the dance and as Hankyung expected it’s dark and loud and the dance floor is packed with bodies moving to the music. Hankyung thinks that maybe he wants to dance, but before he can drag Siwon to the dance floor, Heechul has him there.
“Have fun.” Heechul says to him before Zhou Mi drags him away.
Hankyung rolls his eyes but since he can’t really see where Siwon is because of all the bodies, he decides that he’ll dance this one dance and then go find him. The problem is that this is the night he meets Kyuhyun. And soon he isn’t dancing alone, he is dancing with another young man who has dark eyes and a smirk on his face. Hankyung doesn’t walk away because there is something about this man that has him grounded there. It might be the way he moves, his hands a lot bolder than Hankyung expects. It might be the way he smirks, his lips so close, the way he murmurs “My name is Kyuhyun.” Whatever it is, Hankyung doesn’t have much time to explore because suddenly Siwon is there, taking his wrist and pulling him away.
“What the hell was that?” Siwon asks once they are outside and away from all the noise.
Hankyung shrugs. “I don’t even know myself.”
Siwon looks like he doesn’t believe him and Hankyung doesn’t know what to do because Siwon always believes him. They say nothing and then Kyuhyun comes out. He sees them there, Hankyung leaning against the wall with Siwon leaning over him.
“Oh, I’m sorry.” Kyuhyun says his eyes going from one to the other. “I didn’t know you two were…”
“Yes.” Siwon says. “Yes, me and him, yes. He’s mine.”
Kyuhyun raises an eyebrow and Hankyung wants to say that he is no one’s property, but Siwon chooses that moment to press his lips to his and the words die on his mouth. He chokes on them as Siwon’s grip on his wrist tightens, his other hand coming to cup Hankyung’s face and tilt it up. Hankyung lets his lips part and then Siwon is kissing him properly and not letting him get any upper hand. Hankyung forgets about Kyuhyun completely when Siwon pushes him back so that Hankyung is trapped between the wall and Siwon’s body.
It’s like someone lit fires all over his body. It’s sloppy and rough and Hankyung thinks that he’s drowning but then not really because Siwon is there, his hands finally slipping under Hankyung’s shirt. Siwon makes a small noise when Hankyung moans into his mouth. They break apart when they hear a door slam.
Hankyung looks up dazed but there is no one there. Siwon wastes no time. He takes Hankyung’s hand and they half run back to their dorm room. Once the door closes behind them Hankyung is pressed against the wall, his lips once again on Siwon’s. They pull clothes off and then Hankyung wraps his legs around Siwon and they’re stumbling backwards into the room.
Hankyung falls onto the bed dragging Siwon down with him and he thinks there is nothing lovelier than Siwon pressing him down into the mattress, hissing as Hankyung digs his nails into Siwon’s back. Siwon is pulling off his pants, growling with frustration when they take too long to come off. Hankyung helps and then they’re both naked and Siwon is biting down on Hankyung’s collarbone.
Hankyung arches into Siwon’s touch and when he feels Siwon in him he breaks. All those moans, whimpers, everything he’s been holding back, fall from his mouth, filling the room. Siwon is moving, one hand on Hankyung’s leg and the other on the bed frame. Hankyung moans and throws his head back after one particular thrust. He is gone, so gone, he can’t think, can’t even gather enough breath to make noise anymore. His head and body are filled with Siwon, just Siwon and when he looks up he sees Siwon with his head thrown back and that’s what breaks him.
Beautiful, Hankyung thinks when they collapse onto the bed together. Siwon is beautiful. This love he feels is beautiful. Beautiful. It is all beautiful until Siwon leaves.
***
“Hankyung.”
Hankyung turns away from the window and looks at Kyuhyun. He knows his smile is sad because the one Kyuhyun returns isn’t as happy as Hankyung expects it. They both know what today is and after five years Hankyung thinks that maybe he should be over it. The problem, of course, is that he isn’t. He can’t be over it because five years ago there were another five. Siwon left on the very same day of their five year anniversary.
Hankyung never knew what it was like to live with Siwon outside of the college dorms because the same night that Hankyung was going to say yes, Siwon left. And now five years later he can’t get over it. He can’t because even though Kyuhyun is there and real and loving, Hankyung is still in love with Siwon.
Hankyung has never stopped thinking of Siwon, never stopped dreaming of Siwon. It isn’t fair to Kyuhyun, but Hankyung can’t make it work. He loves Kyuhyun. He does. There were too many years, too many feelings invested with Kyuhyun. They live together. He can’t just throw Kyuhyun away, but it isn’t fair.
It just isn’t.
***
He has just finished teaching his dancing class and is going to call Kyuhyun when he happens to look up. There by the door.
“Siwon.” He whispers the phone dropping from his hands.
Siwon is standing there, glorious as always, beautiful as always. Hankyung can’t breathe, can’t think. He doesn’t want to. Siwon has grown. There are more muscles on those arms, the hair is slightly longer than Siwon used to wear it. His eyes are sadder too and Hankyung wants to drop everything and run to him, wants to touch Siwon’s face, to see if it’s real, if this is true. He wants to make sure this isn’t one of those dreams, one of those fantasies he used to have and still might have.
“Geng.”
Hankyung wants to cry because it sounds perfect coming out of Siwon’s mouth. And then he wants to cry for another reason.
***
Hankyung is running. He is running because Siwon asked him to meet him by the church they go to together. He asked Hankyung to meet him there and Hankyung is sure he knows why. They have been talking, talking about their future now that they are out of college. Siwon asked Hankyung to move in with him a few days ago and Hankyung finally has an answer for him.
He is running, the rain falling over his face, wetting his hair. He is running and he doesn’t want to stop because the faster he gets there, the faster he can say yes and kiss Siwon and take him into their new home and just, push him down on the bed and show him exactly how much he loves him. When he gets there he is out of breath but excited, bursting with joy and when he sees Siwon those extra steps are nothing and he’s climbing them like he’s sixteen and running after Jaejoong.
“Siwon.”
Siwon turns around and Hankyung is scared. There is something wrong with Siwon’s eyes. They look sad. Siwon never looks sad.
“Siwon, what’s wrong?”
Siwon says nothing just reaches out and hugs him, hugs him and kisses him like he can kiss away the pain in those eyes. Hankyung holds on, kisses back because this is Siwon and he loves him and Siwon won’t hurt him and there is an explanation for this.
“Geng, I am so sorry. I just…I am so sorry.”
Hankyung doesn’t understand. He doesn’t understand what is going on until Siwon unwraps his arms from around Siwon’s waist. He might not have understood it then either, but he does understand it when Siwon steps away, when Siwon takes his first step down the stairs.
“Siwon?” Hankyung asks because he is afraid, because Siwon can’t say, just can’t say that he’s leaving. He can’t.
“I’m so sorry.” Siwon says and there is so much pain there that Hankyung wants to kiss it away.
“Siwon…please…” Hankyung searches his head frantically.
There must be something. There has to be something that can make Siwon stay. There must be something he can fix, something he can promise. There can be something. He can’t accept this. He can’t. It doesn’t work this way. He has to fix this, has to hold onto something before it gets out of control.
“I’m so sorry Geng. I want to…I just…I can’t.”
Siwon looks at him and that is what breaks Hankyung’s heart. The look in those eyes, the regret, the pain. Siwon is in pain and Hankyung wants to run into his arms and make it better. He wants to kiss him and take him in his arms. He wants to hold him and he can’t bring himself to do it because in Siwon’s eyes there is also love. And if there is love and he is still leaving then Hankyung can’t do it. Hate he could deal with. Indifference too. But, to see the love and to know that Siwon is leaving even while loving him, it is too much.
He watches Siwon walk away, watches as the tall man in the black coat gets further and further away until all he can see is the small figure in the distance until Siwon turns the corner and is gone.
Heechul finds him curled up on the steps a few hours later. He is wet and cold and he feels like someone took his heart and stepped on it. He feels like there is a gaping hole that used to be Siwon, a pain so raw and heartbreaking that when he cries Heechul cries with him. Heechul cries because Hankyung is hurting and it just hurts so damn much and Hankyung can’t take it. He wants to curl up and nurse his wounds, wants to sleep and dream of Siwon and never wake up because reality hurts too much.
Blinding pain.
He learns to live with it.
Heart-wrenching desire.
He learns to live with it.
Emptiness and want.
He learns to live with it.
But, that’s all, just learns to live with it, not to forget.
***
They’re sitting in a café. Hankyung has some tea in front of him and Siwon has coffee. They say nothing and it occurs to Hankyung that their reunion shouldn’t be like this. He always imagined that he would run into Siwon’s arms and hug him and maybe cry. He never imagined that he would sitting across from Siwon holding onto a cup of tea as if his life depended on it.
“How are you?”
Hankyung wants to say that he is fine, that everything is okay but he can’t because this isn’t what he wants. This isn’t what Siwon should be saying, not in that tone, not like it is just another meeting, like it hasn’t been five years since Hankyung last held him, touched him, loved him.
“Geng, I want…”
“I’m living with Kyuhyun.” Hankyung says before he can stop himself.
He tells himself that he imagined the look in Siwon’s eyes, that he didn’t see that flash of pain. He tells himself that Kyuhyun is waiting at home and that as much as he wishes everything would go back to being the same, it can’t be. It can’t because Kyuhyun is at home waiting for him and Hankyung loves him.
“I…well…”Siwon pauses and then he laughs.
Hankyung knows that laugh, knows that he is just laughing because like Hankyung he thought it was going to be easy. Hankyung doesn’t know what to do so he gets up and walks out. He doesn’t want to hear it, knows that if Siwon explains then he is going to turn around and walk into his arms and let Siwon take him away.
Hankyung is halfway down the street when a hand wraps around his wrist. He stops because he would know that touch anywhere. His whole body is shaking as Siwon turns him around and suddenly they’re too close. Their noses are inches away from each other, their lips so close. Hankyung wants to lean forward and capture those lips with his. He wants so many things.
“Han Geng.” Siwon whispers his eyes on Hankyung’s. “Geng, I love you. I loved you when I left you and I never stopped loving you and I don’t know what to say, what will make this better, but I love you and I don’t want you to go home to Kyuhyun. I want you to come home to me. I want to wake up with you, want to hold you. It’s been so long.”
Hankyung watches as Siwon’s eyes flutter close. His heart contracts painfully because this is real and here and there is Siwon but there is also Kyuhyun and still his stupid heart won’t stop beating. And even though it’s clear and he knows what he wants he doesn’t do it. He steps away.
“I’m sorry.” Hankyung says.
He makes it to the end of the block, makes it there and stops. He stops because Kyuhyun is at home, but Siwon is behind him. He stops because he doesn’t know anymore. He doesn’t know why he wants to turn around and run into those arms but at the same time he wants to go home and fall into Kyuhyun’s arms, his sweet embrace, those soft murmurs. He wants to do both things and he blames it on time and distance when he really knows it has nothing to do with that.
He turns and Siwon is already running towards him and that figure with the black coat he saw in the distance that night is back and it’s Siwon and Hankyung goes to him and when Siwon wraps him in his arms it so perfect and beautiful. It is home and love and it is everything that Hankyung has ever wanted and has been missing those five years.
He lets himself fall into that hug and Siwon is holding him murmuring over and over those same three words.
“I love you.”
And when Hankyung lifts his head and brings his lips to Siwon’s, there is something he never expected. It all clicks into place, all falls the way it is supposed to. This is Siwon and he loves him. This is them and they belong together. It has to be this way because the kiss is pulling him in, driving fires all over his body, making him shiver. It has been so long and all Hankyung wants to do is stay there forever, wants Siwon to hold him. And he is so needy. They are in the middle of a street and Hankyung wants more. He wants Siwon under his hands, wants to feel Siwon because otherwise this won’t be real.
They go back to Siwon’s apartment and Hankyung relives what he has always wanted. He falls into Siwon, falls into those hugs and touches and kisses. He lets go completely, falls all over and it doesn’t hurt. It is liberation and greatness. It is love and wonder. It is the lump in his throat eased over. It is the pain in his heart mended. It is all those years of pain gone, gone with Siwon’s hands and kisses. Gone with the way Siwon moves his hips. Gone, just gone and Hankyung is falling, falling hard and falling fast.
He is gone, gone with Siwon’s kisses and pants. He is amazed, amazed at the way after all those years their bodies seem to recognize each other. Siwon still remembers, still knows that if he runs his hand down Hankyung’s back it drives him insane. Siwon remembers that if he bites down on Hankyung’s collarbone he won’t be able to hold back.
And Hankyung remembers too. He remembers that if he arches his back and throws his head back Siwon will collapse. He remembers that if he wraps his legs around the other man’s waist, he will have Siwon moaning for him. He remembers everything so well.
They both remember.
It is a moment of reunion in Siwon’s apartment. It is the moment where it all becomes clear. And Hankyung realizes then that he doesn’t want to know why Siwon left. He doesn’t want to have an answer because the question he has been asking himself all those years is pointless. Why should care about why Siwon left? Why should it matter? Why should it? Why when he has Siwon with him?
It doesn’t matter because in the end all that matters is that Siwon is back and that he is real and here. All that matters is that Siwon loves him, like this, like they are doing now, like they did back then, like they will do forever. Hankyung is in love with Siwon, has always been in love with Siwon. He can’t deny it.. He could never hide it from Heechul and he doesn’t want to hide it from Siwon.
He is in love, has always been in love. He knows now and has always known that. He loves Siwon.
“Come with me.” Siwon says.
Hankyung looks at him. It is five years ago and this is Siwon asking him the same question. This is him thinking it over. This is Hankyung’s time to make his decision. He knows what he said last time and he knows how that worked. He remembers that Siwon left. He remembers that he cried, that he was hurt. He remembers that it wasn’t fun and that even now there is still a dull ache. He knows that just as it wasn’t certain before, it isn’t certain now. For all he knows Siwon will turn around and walk away like that time.
But, he also knows that he would always forgive Siwon because he loves him.
“Come with me.” Siwon says again.
Hankyung looks at him. He knows what he is going to say even before he opens his mouth to say it.
***
When he goes home Kyuhyun is there waiting for him. Hankyung takes one look at him and then he can’t do it. He falls into Kyuhyun’s waiting arms and wants it to be gone, to be better, wants it to be different. He can’t hurt Kyuhyun. He just can’t because when he was lost Kyuhyun was there. When he was sad, Kyuhyun was there. When he needed Siwon, Kyuhyun was there and Hankyung can’t hurt him.
“I know.” Kyuhyun murmurs into his hair. “I know he’s back. He came to look for you here.”
Hankyung is shaking and he doesn’t know what to do. Kyuhyun holds him until it’s all better then he pulls away to look at Hankyung.
“Go.” Kyuhyun says. “Go. You want to. You’ve been waiting for him to come back. Go.”
“I can’t.” Hankyung says because he can’t. “I…you…”
Kyuhyun’s fond smile disappears. It is replaced with a sort of angry determination. He takes Hankyung’s face in his hands and kisses him and Hankyung gives in because he can’t hurt Kyuhyun and he loves him. He does.
When Kyuhyun pulls away there is a softer look in his eyes. “Go.”
Hankyung opens his mouth to argue, to say something but Kyuhyun shakes his head. “Just go.”
It takes everything he has to go, but in the end he does. Kyuhyun helps him pack his things, helps him put everything away and when he’s at the door, suitcase in hand Kyuhyun hugs him.
“I love you.” Kyuhyun says. “And that’s why I can let you go. We both know we were waiting for him to come back. You and I, we both were.”
Hankyung can’t deny it, but it hurts nonetheless.
Kyuhyun.
But, Siwon.
The goodbye is a lot harder than Hankyung expects it to be, but in the end he says it and then he’s walking downstairs. He’s going down and when he gets outside Siwon is waiting by his car. Hankyung looks at him and there is just something so damn beautiful about the way Siwon stands by the car, something ridiculously beautiful about the way he looks at Hankyung.
And it doesn’t feel wrong, the way Siwon takes his hand, the way Siwon hugs him, the way Siwon kisses him.
It is absolutely beautiful.
A/N: *SOBS* I do not understand how I went from writing just shameless smut to actually putting plot into this and breaking my kyuhan heart. *SOBS* OTL ANNIE I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR IT. *sobs at you* I actually like this fic so meh *shrugs* sue me for actually liking something i wrote.
Pairing: Shihan, Kyuhan, ninja!hanjae, friendhship!hanchul, zhouchul
Genre: angst
Rating: PG-13
Summary: When Siwon was there it was beautiful and when he wasn't...well, there was Kyuhyun.
Notes: For my lovely twin
shihan_ai and for lady_mizera A/N: I just want to say that this is 5,432 words so \0/ and also...ANNIE ARE YOU HAPPY??? DID YOU SEE THE LOVELY PAIRINGS I HAVE HERE FOR YOU. I ACTUALLY NINJA'D IN HANJAE AND I LIKED IT!!! And because I know you like hanjae living together ;) Anyway I hope you like this and I am going to go sleep now because my brain is so dead. But, there, be happy!!! grr there was supposed to be more to this A/N and now I can't remember. Except...YES I DID NINJA IN HANCHUL ANNIE SO HA!!
Hankyung knows there is nothing better than the feeling you get when you are living with someone who loves you and who cares about you. There is nothing better than getting up each morning to brown eyes and soft singing from a voice that could melt hearts. There is nothing better than rolling over in bed and into that warm embrace. There can never be anything better than Kyuhyun in the morning whispering “I love you” in his hair. There is nothing better than that, there never has been.
Hankyung has been living with Kyuhyun for five years. Five years since Hankyung broke down in front of those steps. Five years since he thought his world was ending and that there was no end to the pain. Five years since he was left alone in the rain to cry it out until he couldn’t see, couldn’t feel, was so numb he would have stayed curled up on those steps forever. If Heechul hadn’t found him he would have slept there, curled up under the archway of the church. Hankyung still isn’t sure how Heechul even knew that he was there, Heechul who never went to church.
All that Hankyung remembers from that night is Heechul’s arms around him, cursing the person who left Hankyung there alone. He remembers Heechul taking him home and putting him into the shower. He remembers Heechul washing his hair, drying it for him, tucking him into bed. He remembers Heechul holding his hand while he tried to sleep, holding him while he cried. Heechul who moved in with Zhou Mi eventually. But, he was always there, always there when Hankyung needed him.
To this day Hankyung wonders if it wouldn’t have been better for him to have fallen in love with Heechul instead of the man who left him crying and broken under the church doorway. But, Heechul is happy with Zhou Mi and Hankyung loves Zhou Mi and he is happy where he ended up. He is happy because the person he saw the next morning those five years ago was Kyuhyun. It was Kyuhyun who thanked Heechul and who took Hankyung home.
Hankyung has been living with Kyuhyun since then. Kyuhyun cooked him breakfast every morning in the beginning, took his hand, pulled him outside. Kyuhyun was wild and carefree for Hankyung so that Hankyung didn’t feel guilty for not being happier. Kyuhyun let him cry into his shoulder at night when Heechul had gone home. Heechul came and he was there, but it was Kyuhyun who was there every day, every single second because it was Kyuhyun who Hankyung lived with.
Living with Kyuhyun reminded Hankyung a little of living with Jaejoong. When he was younger, he thought that he and Jae would be living together forever. They had been so perfect, had fit together so easily. Jaejoong was beautiful, was love and care. Jaejoong, sweeter and lovelier than anyone Hankyung had ever met. He would have been living with Jaejoong at that very moment if Jae hasn’t gotten up and gone to America, Japan, all over to follow his dream of becoming a singer. Hankyung didn’t reproach him anything. Jaejoong was beautiful, deserved to be seen and heard by all and Hankyung knew that when he was ready Jaejoong would come back. It had always been like that, Hankyung waiting, like that until he had met Siwon.
Siwon had been a spur of the moment. Siwon had come to him while Hankyung was studying in Korea with Heechul. Siwon who was tall, imposing, gorgeous with those big brown eyes that had Hankyung’s heart running in a second. Siwon. Siwon had been peace and happiness. Siwon had been beautiful and pure and Hankyung had loved Siwon with all his heart. Hankyung...Hankyung might still love Siwon.
But, he couldn’t. He couldn’t because he was living with Kyuhyun. He couldn’t love Siwon because he had decided. Hankyung was living with Kyuhyun. He was making love to Kyuhyun every night, was lying down next to him, was gasping Kyuhyun’s name at night when the curtains were drawn, was sometimes muffling moans against his hand when Kyuhyun got possessive. He didn’t love Siwon.
Except he did.
He did love Siwon. He loved Siwon because it had been so beautiful and lovely and it had taken him up in waves of happiness. He had been so happy, so deliriously happy, so happy.
***
The new kids in their college are named Siwon and Zhou Mi. Hankyung and Heechul both see them at the same time, but where Heechul hisses that the tall, long legged one is his, Hankyung keeps quiet. He doesn’t need to argue with Heechul because even though the tall long legged one sends a sort of half flirtatious smile his way, Hankyung can’t get the other one out of his head.
He soon finds out that the other one who they’ve been referring to as Muscles is actually Siwon and that Legs is Zhou Mi. Heechul asks Hankyung or well more like informs Hankyung that he is going to go after Zhou Mi and Hankyung nods. He lets Heechul go after Zhou Mi because that brings him closer to Siwon.
They are both sitting at their lunch table one day a few months later watching how Heechul flirts his way onto Zhou Mi’s lap. It’s typical of Heechul to have Zhou Mi already half moaning in front of the whole cafeteria.
Hankyung coughs almost delicately. “Heechul-ah, as much as I would love to see you strip Zhou Mi naked, I think it’s time to get a room.”
Heechul detaches himself from Zhou Mi, whose cheeks are tinged a pretty pink color, and sends a glare at Hankyung.
“I left my keys in the room. Give me yours and don’t come in there until tomorrow.”
Hankyung wants to protest but Heechul is sending a rather pointed glare when Siwon turns away. It is only when Siwon turns back around that Hankyung realizes that Siwon shares a room with Zhou Mi. And if Zhou Mi is busy then Hankyung and Siwon…well…
Hankyung hands over his keys much happier this time and watches as Zhou Mi and Heechul disappear.
“Well, I guess it’s just you and me then hyung.” Siwon says flashing those lovely dimples.
Hankyung nods and follows Siwon to the room. It is late, way too late for Hankyung to have some excuse to go out. He is nervous, just because this is Siwon and he’s been hiding a crush since he first laid eyes on Siwon. For Heechul it was easy. He simply went up to Zhou Mi said I want you in my bed and that was it. Hankyung was a tad more…just…well he couldn’t bring himself to say that to Siwon because he still wasn’t sure what exactly were Siwon’s preferences.
“So, hyung do you want to shower first or should I?” Siwon asks pulling out extra clothes, a combination of his and Zhou Mi’s, for Hankyung.
Hankyung can’t answer because he just realized that Siwon and he are going to be sharing a room and he is at a point in his life where it is still completely normal to be nervous out of your mind when you and a potential lover are going to share a bed…or room.
“Or do you want to shower together?”
Hankyung looks up so fast that he’s sure he fractured something. Siwon is laughing at him and he wants to shut the other man up. Hankyung isn’t sure if Siwon is laughing because he knows what is going on in Hankyung’s mind or if it’s because Hankyung looks as horror stricken as he is. It’s not that he doesn’t like the idea of showering with Siwon because he does. It’s just that well, it’s Siwon.
“I…I…”
Siwon hugs him. “You can go first hyung. I’ll go get something for us to drink.”
Hankyung nods and steps into the shower. He doesn’t know what he is expecting, maybe Siwon coming into the bathroom and pining him to the shower wall, wet, both molding together, so well. He doesn’t know if it’s that or if it’s Siwon accidentally stepping into the room at the same time he steps out. He doesn't know, but what happens is so much better.
When Hankyung steps into the room, he is dressed and drying his hair. When he looks up Siwon is there, standing too close and Hankyung can’t move. He does nothing as Siwon comes closer. He is practically frozen until Siwon’s lips touch his and then he is kissing back just as hard, if not harder. His hands are in Siwon’s hair and Siwon is pulling him closer.
When they pull apart for air, Siwon looks at him and smiles. “I’ve been waiting so long to do that.”
Hankyung thinks that maybe he mutters something like “about time” or “too long” or something along those lines but it doesn’t really matter because he is kissing Siwon again and it is like a drug, pulling him in, wrapping him in warmth and love, because yes, he is in love.
***
Siwon is the perfect gentleman. Hankyung loves that about Siwon, loves that Siwon holds doors open for him, loves that Siwon takes his hand, hugs him at random moments. Hankyung just loves everything about him and he is falling harder each day.
The only problem he can find, if you can call it a problem, is that Siwon does little more than kiss him occasionally. It’s almost as if Siwon is afraid of taking the next step, of breaking open that calm, collected barrier he has built. They almost get there one time, when Hankyung thinks it is enough.
He has Siwon pressed against the wall, lips pressed hard against Siwon’s, tongue fighting Siwon’s. His hands are busy unbuttoning Siwon’s shirt, slipping inside, pulling it off. Siwon is kissing him back but Hankyung wants a little more. He wants Siwon’s hands somewhere else besides his hair and face. He wants Siwon’s hands touching him the way Hankyung wants to touch Siwon. He reaches blindly for Siwon’s hands and when he finds one he puts it on his hip, just under his shirt. Siwon shivers against him and Hankyung lets out a moan. It seems to jolt Siwon awake and suddenly he’s pulling away and Hankyung is left alone staring at the wall, heart running, body burning.
“What is it?” Hankyung asks not turning around. “Is…am I…”
Siwon is there in five seconds flat turning him around and pulling him into his arms. “It’s not you.”
Hankyung laughs. This is stupid and clichéd and he is not a fucking girl. He wants to tell Siwon this, but he can’t because Siwon is murmuring something into his hair. Hankyung is quiet and when he hears those three words he can’t be angry anymore. He could never be angry or hurt or confused because there is no confusion in I love you.
***
They are at a party, one that Zhou Mi and Heechul are hosting so Hankyung knows there will be beer and soju and loud music and men. He knows he should stay home, but Siwon has agreed to go for whatever reason and Hankyung loves to dance. They’ve sort of done this thing where Zhou Mi is now dorming with Heechul and Siwon is with Hankyung.
When Hankyung steps out of their room, he knows he did the right thing. Siwon is standing by the couch looking hot and dangerous in tight pants, a shirt, no buttons and a hat. He’s done something with his eyes but Hankyung can’t really pay attention because the whole thing is just delicious in a very sinful way.
“Geng…” Siwon says his voice sounding almost hoarse.
Hankyung smirks when he sees the way Siwon is looking at him. He isn’t too dressed up just wearing the tight jeans Heechul insisted he wear and the black shirt, yes to the buttons, and he has his hair messed up in that I-just-had-great-sex kind of way. He knows he looks good and the way Siwon looks at him makes it that much nicer.
They go to the dance and as Hankyung expected it’s dark and loud and the dance floor is packed with bodies moving to the music. Hankyung thinks that maybe he wants to dance, but before he can drag Siwon to the dance floor, Heechul has him there.
“Have fun.” Heechul says to him before Zhou Mi drags him away.
Hankyung rolls his eyes but since he can’t really see where Siwon is because of all the bodies, he decides that he’ll dance this one dance and then go find him. The problem is that this is the night he meets Kyuhyun. And soon he isn’t dancing alone, he is dancing with another young man who has dark eyes and a smirk on his face. Hankyung doesn’t walk away because there is something about this man that has him grounded there. It might be the way he moves, his hands a lot bolder than Hankyung expects. It might be the way he smirks, his lips so close, the way he murmurs “My name is Kyuhyun.” Whatever it is, Hankyung doesn’t have much time to explore because suddenly Siwon is there, taking his wrist and pulling him away.
“What the hell was that?” Siwon asks once they are outside and away from all the noise.
Hankyung shrugs. “I don’t even know myself.”
Siwon looks like he doesn’t believe him and Hankyung doesn’t know what to do because Siwon always believes him. They say nothing and then Kyuhyun comes out. He sees them there, Hankyung leaning against the wall with Siwon leaning over him.
“Oh, I’m sorry.” Kyuhyun says his eyes going from one to the other. “I didn’t know you two were…”
“Yes.” Siwon says. “Yes, me and him, yes. He’s mine.”
Kyuhyun raises an eyebrow and Hankyung wants to say that he is no one’s property, but Siwon chooses that moment to press his lips to his and the words die on his mouth. He chokes on them as Siwon’s grip on his wrist tightens, his other hand coming to cup Hankyung’s face and tilt it up. Hankyung lets his lips part and then Siwon is kissing him properly and not letting him get any upper hand. Hankyung forgets about Kyuhyun completely when Siwon pushes him back so that Hankyung is trapped between the wall and Siwon’s body.
It’s like someone lit fires all over his body. It’s sloppy and rough and Hankyung thinks that he’s drowning but then not really because Siwon is there, his hands finally slipping under Hankyung’s shirt. Siwon makes a small noise when Hankyung moans into his mouth. They break apart when they hear a door slam.
Hankyung looks up dazed but there is no one there. Siwon wastes no time. He takes Hankyung’s hand and they half run back to their dorm room. Once the door closes behind them Hankyung is pressed against the wall, his lips once again on Siwon’s. They pull clothes off and then Hankyung wraps his legs around Siwon and they’re stumbling backwards into the room.
Hankyung falls onto the bed dragging Siwon down with him and he thinks there is nothing lovelier than Siwon pressing him down into the mattress, hissing as Hankyung digs his nails into Siwon’s back. Siwon is pulling off his pants, growling with frustration when they take too long to come off. Hankyung helps and then they’re both naked and Siwon is biting down on Hankyung’s collarbone.
Hankyung arches into Siwon’s touch and when he feels Siwon in him he breaks. All those moans, whimpers, everything he’s been holding back, fall from his mouth, filling the room. Siwon is moving, one hand on Hankyung’s leg and the other on the bed frame. Hankyung moans and throws his head back after one particular thrust. He is gone, so gone, he can’t think, can’t even gather enough breath to make noise anymore. His head and body are filled with Siwon, just Siwon and when he looks up he sees Siwon with his head thrown back and that’s what breaks him.
Beautiful, Hankyung thinks when they collapse onto the bed together. Siwon is beautiful. This love he feels is beautiful. Beautiful. It is all beautiful until Siwon leaves.
***
“Hankyung.”
Hankyung turns away from the window and looks at Kyuhyun. He knows his smile is sad because the one Kyuhyun returns isn’t as happy as Hankyung expects it. They both know what today is and after five years Hankyung thinks that maybe he should be over it. The problem, of course, is that he isn’t. He can’t be over it because five years ago there were another five. Siwon left on the very same day of their five year anniversary.
Hankyung never knew what it was like to live with Siwon outside of the college dorms because the same night that Hankyung was going to say yes, Siwon left. And now five years later he can’t get over it. He can’t because even though Kyuhyun is there and real and loving, Hankyung is still in love with Siwon.
Hankyung has never stopped thinking of Siwon, never stopped dreaming of Siwon. It isn’t fair to Kyuhyun, but Hankyung can’t make it work. He loves Kyuhyun. He does. There were too many years, too many feelings invested with Kyuhyun. They live together. He can’t just throw Kyuhyun away, but it isn’t fair.
It just isn’t.
***
He has just finished teaching his dancing class and is going to call Kyuhyun when he happens to look up. There by the door.
“Siwon.” He whispers the phone dropping from his hands.
Siwon is standing there, glorious as always, beautiful as always. Hankyung can’t breathe, can’t think. He doesn’t want to. Siwon has grown. There are more muscles on those arms, the hair is slightly longer than Siwon used to wear it. His eyes are sadder too and Hankyung wants to drop everything and run to him, wants to touch Siwon’s face, to see if it’s real, if this is true. He wants to make sure this isn’t one of those dreams, one of those fantasies he used to have and still might have.
“Geng.”
Hankyung wants to cry because it sounds perfect coming out of Siwon’s mouth. And then he wants to cry for another reason.
***
Hankyung is running. He is running because Siwon asked him to meet him by the church they go to together. He asked Hankyung to meet him there and Hankyung is sure he knows why. They have been talking, talking about their future now that they are out of college. Siwon asked Hankyung to move in with him a few days ago and Hankyung finally has an answer for him.
He is running, the rain falling over his face, wetting his hair. He is running and he doesn’t want to stop because the faster he gets there, the faster he can say yes and kiss Siwon and take him into their new home and just, push him down on the bed and show him exactly how much he loves him. When he gets there he is out of breath but excited, bursting with joy and when he sees Siwon those extra steps are nothing and he’s climbing them like he’s sixteen and running after Jaejoong.
“Siwon.”
Siwon turns around and Hankyung is scared. There is something wrong with Siwon’s eyes. They look sad. Siwon never looks sad.
“Siwon, what’s wrong?”
Siwon says nothing just reaches out and hugs him, hugs him and kisses him like he can kiss away the pain in those eyes. Hankyung holds on, kisses back because this is Siwon and he loves him and Siwon won’t hurt him and there is an explanation for this.
“Geng, I am so sorry. I just…I am so sorry.”
Hankyung doesn’t understand. He doesn’t understand what is going on until Siwon unwraps his arms from around Siwon’s waist. He might not have understood it then either, but he does understand it when Siwon steps away, when Siwon takes his first step down the stairs.
“Siwon?” Hankyung asks because he is afraid, because Siwon can’t say, just can’t say that he’s leaving. He can’t.
“I’m so sorry.” Siwon says and there is so much pain there that Hankyung wants to kiss it away.
“Siwon…please…” Hankyung searches his head frantically.
There must be something. There has to be something that can make Siwon stay. There must be something he can fix, something he can promise. There can be something. He can’t accept this. He can’t. It doesn’t work this way. He has to fix this, has to hold onto something before it gets out of control.
“I’m so sorry Geng. I want to…I just…I can’t.”
Siwon looks at him and that is what breaks Hankyung’s heart. The look in those eyes, the regret, the pain. Siwon is in pain and Hankyung wants to run into his arms and make it better. He wants to kiss him and take him in his arms. He wants to hold him and he can’t bring himself to do it because in Siwon’s eyes there is also love. And if there is love and he is still leaving then Hankyung can’t do it. Hate he could deal with. Indifference too. But, to see the love and to know that Siwon is leaving even while loving him, it is too much.
He watches Siwon walk away, watches as the tall man in the black coat gets further and further away until all he can see is the small figure in the distance until Siwon turns the corner and is gone.
Heechul finds him curled up on the steps a few hours later. He is wet and cold and he feels like someone took his heart and stepped on it. He feels like there is a gaping hole that used to be Siwon, a pain so raw and heartbreaking that when he cries Heechul cries with him. Heechul cries because Hankyung is hurting and it just hurts so damn much and Hankyung can’t take it. He wants to curl up and nurse his wounds, wants to sleep and dream of Siwon and never wake up because reality hurts too much.
Blinding pain.
He learns to live with it.
Heart-wrenching desire.
He learns to live with it.
Emptiness and want.
He learns to live with it.
But, that’s all, just learns to live with it, not to forget.
***
They’re sitting in a café. Hankyung has some tea in front of him and Siwon has coffee. They say nothing and it occurs to Hankyung that their reunion shouldn’t be like this. He always imagined that he would run into Siwon’s arms and hug him and maybe cry. He never imagined that he would sitting across from Siwon holding onto a cup of tea as if his life depended on it.
“How are you?”
Hankyung wants to say that he is fine, that everything is okay but he can’t because this isn’t what he wants. This isn’t what Siwon should be saying, not in that tone, not like it is just another meeting, like it hasn’t been five years since Hankyung last held him, touched him, loved him.
“Geng, I want…”
“I’m living with Kyuhyun.” Hankyung says before he can stop himself.
He tells himself that he imagined the look in Siwon’s eyes, that he didn’t see that flash of pain. He tells himself that Kyuhyun is waiting at home and that as much as he wishes everything would go back to being the same, it can’t be. It can’t because Kyuhyun is at home waiting for him and Hankyung loves him.
“I…well…”Siwon pauses and then he laughs.
Hankyung knows that laugh, knows that he is just laughing because like Hankyung he thought it was going to be easy. Hankyung doesn’t know what to do so he gets up and walks out. He doesn’t want to hear it, knows that if Siwon explains then he is going to turn around and walk into his arms and let Siwon take him away.
Hankyung is halfway down the street when a hand wraps around his wrist. He stops because he would know that touch anywhere. His whole body is shaking as Siwon turns him around and suddenly they’re too close. Their noses are inches away from each other, their lips so close. Hankyung wants to lean forward and capture those lips with his. He wants so many things.
“Han Geng.” Siwon whispers his eyes on Hankyung’s. “Geng, I love you. I loved you when I left you and I never stopped loving you and I don’t know what to say, what will make this better, but I love you and I don’t want you to go home to Kyuhyun. I want you to come home to me. I want to wake up with you, want to hold you. It’s been so long.”
Hankyung watches as Siwon’s eyes flutter close. His heart contracts painfully because this is real and here and there is Siwon but there is also Kyuhyun and still his stupid heart won’t stop beating. And even though it’s clear and he knows what he wants he doesn’t do it. He steps away.
“I’m sorry.” Hankyung says.
He makes it to the end of the block, makes it there and stops. He stops because Kyuhyun is at home, but Siwon is behind him. He stops because he doesn’t know anymore. He doesn’t know why he wants to turn around and run into those arms but at the same time he wants to go home and fall into Kyuhyun’s arms, his sweet embrace, those soft murmurs. He wants to do both things and he blames it on time and distance when he really knows it has nothing to do with that.
He turns and Siwon is already running towards him and that figure with the black coat he saw in the distance that night is back and it’s Siwon and Hankyung goes to him and when Siwon wraps him in his arms it so perfect and beautiful. It is home and love and it is everything that Hankyung has ever wanted and has been missing those five years.
He lets himself fall into that hug and Siwon is holding him murmuring over and over those same three words.
“I love you.”
And when Hankyung lifts his head and brings his lips to Siwon’s, there is something he never expected. It all clicks into place, all falls the way it is supposed to. This is Siwon and he loves him. This is them and they belong together. It has to be this way because the kiss is pulling him in, driving fires all over his body, making him shiver. It has been so long and all Hankyung wants to do is stay there forever, wants Siwon to hold him. And he is so needy. They are in the middle of a street and Hankyung wants more. He wants Siwon under his hands, wants to feel Siwon because otherwise this won’t be real.
They go back to Siwon’s apartment and Hankyung relives what he has always wanted. He falls into Siwon, falls into those hugs and touches and kisses. He lets go completely, falls all over and it doesn’t hurt. It is liberation and greatness. It is love and wonder. It is the lump in his throat eased over. It is the pain in his heart mended. It is all those years of pain gone, gone with Siwon’s hands and kisses. Gone with the way Siwon moves his hips. Gone, just gone and Hankyung is falling, falling hard and falling fast.
He is gone, gone with Siwon’s kisses and pants. He is amazed, amazed at the way after all those years their bodies seem to recognize each other. Siwon still remembers, still knows that if he runs his hand down Hankyung’s back it drives him insane. Siwon remembers that if he bites down on Hankyung’s collarbone he won’t be able to hold back.
And Hankyung remembers too. He remembers that if he arches his back and throws his head back Siwon will collapse. He remembers that if he wraps his legs around the other man’s waist, he will have Siwon moaning for him. He remembers everything so well.
They both remember.
It is a moment of reunion in Siwon’s apartment. It is the moment where it all becomes clear. And Hankyung realizes then that he doesn’t want to know why Siwon left. He doesn’t want to have an answer because the question he has been asking himself all those years is pointless. Why should care about why Siwon left? Why should it matter? Why should it? Why when he has Siwon with him?
It doesn’t matter because in the end all that matters is that Siwon is back and that he is real and here. All that matters is that Siwon loves him, like this, like they are doing now, like they did back then, like they will do forever. Hankyung is in love with Siwon, has always been in love with Siwon. He can’t deny it.. He could never hide it from Heechul and he doesn’t want to hide it from Siwon.
He is in love, has always been in love. He knows now and has always known that. He loves Siwon.
“Come with me.” Siwon says.
Hankyung looks at him. It is five years ago and this is Siwon asking him the same question. This is him thinking it over. This is Hankyung’s time to make his decision. He knows what he said last time and he knows how that worked. He remembers that Siwon left. He remembers that he cried, that he was hurt. He remembers that it wasn’t fun and that even now there is still a dull ache. He knows that just as it wasn’t certain before, it isn’t certain now. For all he knows Siwon will turn around and walk away like that time.
But, he also knows that he would always forgive Siwon because he loves him.
“Come with me.” Siwon says again.
Hankyung looks at him. He knows what he is going to say even before he opens his mouth to say it.
***
When he goes home Kyuhyun is there waiting for him. Hankyung takes one look at him and then he can’t do it. He falls into Kyuhyun’s waiting arms and wants it to be gone, to be better, wants it to be different. He can’t hurt Kyuhyun. He just can’t because when he was lost Kyuhyun was there. When he was sad, Kyuhyun was there. When he needed Siwon, Kyuhyun was there and Hankyung can’t hurt him.
“I know.” Kyuhyun murmurs into his hair. “I know he’s back. He came to look for you here.”
Hankyung is shaking and he doesn’t know what to do. Kyuhyun holds him until it’s all better then he pulls away to look at Hankyung.
“Go.” Kyuhyun says. “Go. You want to. You’ve been waiting for him to come back. Go.”
“I can’t.” Hankyung says because he can’t. “I…you…”
Kyuhyun’s fond smile disappears. It is replaced with a sort of angry determination. He takes Hankyung’s face in his hands and kisses him and Hankyung gives in because he can’t hurt Kyuhyun and he loves him. He does.
When Kyuhyun pulls away there is a softer look in his eyes. “Go.”
Hankyung opens his mouth to argue, to say something but Kyuhyun shakes his head. “Just go.”
It takes everything he has to go, but in the end he does. Kyuhyun helps him pack his things, helps him put everything away and when he’s at the door, suitcase in hand Kyuhyun hugs him.
“I love you.” Kyuhyun says. “And that’s why I can let you go. We both know we were waiting for him to come back. You and I, we both were.”
Hankyung can’t deny it, but it hurts nonetheless.
Kyuhyun.
But, Siwon.
The goodbye is a lot harder than Hankyung expects it to be, but in the end he says it and then he’s walking downstairs. He’s going down and when he gets outside Siwon is waiting by his car. Hankyung looks at him and there is just something so damn beautiful about the way Siwon stands by the car, something ridiculously beautiful about the way he looks at Hankyung.
And it doesn’t feel wrong, the way Siwon takes his hand, the way Siwon hugs him, the way Siwon kisses him.
It is absolutely beautiful.
A/N: *SOBS* I do not understand how I went from writing just shameless smut to actually putting plot into this and breaking my kyuhan heart. *SOBS* OTL ANNIE I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR IT. *sobs at you* I actually like this fic so meh *shrugs* sue me for actually liking something i wrote.