static_abyss (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
static_abyss) wrote2010-12-19 12:51 pm
static_abyss) wrote2010-12-19 12:51 pm
Entry tags:
Not a Single Goodbye
Title: Not a Single Goodbye
Pairing: Kyuhan
Genre: angst
Rating: PG
Summary: Kyuhyun didn't understand. Didn't all those years together mean anything? Was it really that easy? (a one shot about how Kyuhyun feels after Hankyung leaves)
A/N: Yes so here we go. I promised a Kyuhan to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
shihan_ai and then I went and wrote a Shihan and then posted this which is not the Kyuhan I had intended to write, but I have been on her LJ and she is just...the angst. It kills me so ha payback even though it isn't really =/ I mean it's Kyuhan and she likes angst so I guess I'm really giving her a birthday present huh? Oh well, this is me trying out my kyuhan for the first time. If this is a success I am going to go and write more Kyuhan (even if this isn't a success I am still going to write more Kyuhan =D) so that is my rambling and I hope you guys like =)
Kyuhyun didn’t understand. He couldn’t understand. He refused to understand. Nothing made sense to him.
How?
How could he do that to him? How could he do that to all of them? Didn’t they mean anything? Didn’t years of friendship, years of tears, years of laughter mean anything? Was this how life worked? Was this how it was going to be?
Not a single goodbye, not a single tear shed, nothing. There had been nothing on his part, nothing. There had been no phone calls, no letters, no last hugs. It was like he disappeared. It was like he never existed, not a single trace left of him. Nothing to let Kyuhyun know that that warm laugh had once been there. There was nothing physical, nothing substantial, nothing for Kyuhyun to grab and say this was his.
Nothing.
They had all been out to dinner that day. Kyuhyun should have known there was something wrong when Hankyung never once let go of Heechul. He should have known there was something wrong when Hankyung made Eunhyuk promise to be healthy. When Hankyung hugged Siwon and called him a good friend. When Hankyung teased Leeteuk about how he wanted to be mothered. When Hankyung told Kangin that he was a great at protecting them.
He should have known.
He should have known that the smiles Hankyung had plastered on his face were sad. He should have known. He hated himself for not knowing, for not seeing the signs on time, hated himself for not letting Hankyung hug him, hated himself for joking when he should have been serious.
“I love you Kyuhyun.” Hankyung had said. “When you go back to China you can tell everyone that I really am yours. I won’t lie this time.”
“But, hyung, don’t you know? I gave you up years ago. Siwon hyung is mine now.”
He had seen the smile on Hankyung’s face and thought it was all part of the game. But there was no game. There was only cruel reality, reality where there was no Hankyung, not anymore.
Hankyung had been Kyuhyun’s rock. His firm hold in a world that where he thought he was going insane. Hankyung had been the first to hold out a hand to him. Hankyung had been the one to hold him when he had to cry. When the fans yelled out for him to leave, he could always count on Hankyung to be there.
When it all got a bit too much and Kyuhyun needed to let go of his anger, Hankyung had been there. Kyuhyun couldn’t even remember the number of times he said things he regretted only to have Hankyung come to him later and comfort him. Hankyung never got angry at Kyuhyun. Hankyung never left. Hankyung always stayed even when everyone else had had enough snarky maknae.
And that’s why Kyuhyun hated him.
Because who was supposed to be there now? Who was supposed to help him? Who was he supposed to turn to now that Hankyung was gone? And who cared about Heechul? Who cared about Hanchul? All these relationships never existed; it was only Kyuhyun and Hankyung.
Two friends. Two very closer friends. Two people locked in a room when the others were asleep.
Just him and Hankyung.
Kyuhyun missed him.
Kyuhyun hated him, hated him so much for leaving without a word, for making that last dinner with the members so enjoyable, for laughing so much, for leading them all into a false sense of security and then leaving them alone, scared and cold.
Kyuhyun hated those smiles that encouraged them, he hated the number of pictures he had on his phone with Hankyung in every single one. Kyuhyun hated remembering that accent that was so soft when comforting and so strong when defending. Kyuhyun hated the way the Chinese crowd went crazy for Hankyung, hated Hankyung for being their perfect prince, hated it all.
He hated it because all of those things were what made Hankyung so special. They were the things that made him so easy to talk to, so easy to befriend. Kyuhyun hated it because those were the things that took Hankyung away.
It was like he never existed.
No letters.
No calls.
They all came in one day to find an empty room.
No clothes.
No shoes.
Even that small mark on the door from the time Hankyung used a chair to lock Heechul in, seemed to be gone.
There was nothing. Nothing anymore. Nothing but the news to watch. And they did watch. They watched together as Hankyung cried on stage. They watched Hankyung smile like Kyuhyun had never seen him smile before. They watched Hankyung laugh. They saw him taken in, nurtured, loved by the Chinese fans. They saw Hankyung become someone else.
And it hurt.
It hurt to know that they weren’t enough. It hurt to know that Super Junior wasn’t what Hankyung needed. It hurt to know that they weren’t enough, that Kyuhyun wasn’t enough. It hurt. It hit Kyuhyun deeper than he expected to see Hankyung laughing with people, hugging people who weren’t him, talking to friends who he had never met. It hurt because Kyuhyun felt like he had never really known Hankyung.
The words he read on the screen seemed to belie what he knew about the same man. He hadn’t even known that Hankyung could sing that well. He hadn’t known that Hankyung danced that way. He had always assumed here that it was Donghae and Eunhyuk and Shindong who could dance and that Hankyung was good, just not up to their level. He hadn’t realized just how much Hankyung had been held back. And it hurt to know that Hankyung had to leave and had to find new friends, new fame.
Was that what Hankyung wanted? Was that better than them? Than Super Junior? Than Kyuhyun? Was this what it came down to?
No Hankyung.
No Kyuhyun.
Nothing.
Would he ever get over it? Would he ever not wish that Hankyung came back? Would he ever really be able to answer a phone call from Hankyung and talk like before? Would they be able to work it out again?
Would it ever be okay?
He didn’t know. He couldn’t know. He didn’t know, not until that one day when the phone rang. Heechul was the first one on it and when he disappeared for two hours, Kyuhyun knew who it was. He knew who was there and he wanted to go over and snatch the phone away from Heechul and he wanted to go over and wrap himself in the accented voice he knew was at the other end. He wanted to listen, to forgive, to talk. He needed it, but he didn’t move. He just sat there, waiting, hoping.
“It’s for you.” Heechul said coming out his room and holding the phone out for Kyuhyun.
He looked at it and remembered. He remembered the pain he felt when he came home to an empty house, an empty room, empty drawers, empty closets. He remembered the pain that twisted inside him as he heard from other people that Hankyung was leaving, that he was suing SM, that he was gone. He remembered the laughter, the smiles, remembered the way Hankyung went to him.
He remembered how when he was new and afraid, Hankyung had held out a hand. He remembered how when they were in China, Hankyung would stand behind him and whisper translations into his ear, how at the end he would always end with a good job.
Kyuhyun remembered the tears, all the pain, the gut wrenching, heart twisting pain that followed them around for months. He remembered how Heechul cried, how the other members were quiet, withdrawn. He remembered how he would stay up at night, looking at all the pictures in his phone that were still in his phone after all this time. He remembered the anger at not being enough, at not doing enough to make Hankyung want to stay. He remembered the jealousy, the jealousy at the laughter that other people brought out in Hankyung.
He remembered.
He looked up at Heechul.
Slowly, he held out his hand for the phone.
“Hello.” He said knowing that no matter what happened now there was no going back. He had done it. He had answered because in the end it all came down to the same thing. It was about that short time together. It was about holding hands and laughing and crying together when they won an award. It was about all the sweat and tears and promises made to each other. It was about who they were and not what they had done. It was about Hankyung and Kyuhyun. It was about them.
“Kyuhyun.”
A/N: So there that was that and I will post up the nicer, happier Kyuhan some other day =) I am not so much into agnst. See the happy ending? So that was it. My first Kyuhan and yeah...<3
Pairing: Kyuhan
Genre: angst
Rating: PG
Summary: Kyuhyun didn't understand. Didn't all those years together mean anything? Was it really that easy? (a one shot about how Kyuhyun feels after Hankyung leaves)
A/N: Yes so here we go. I promised a Kyuhan to
shihan_ai and then I went and wrote a Shihan and then posted this which is not the Kyuhan I had intended to write, but I have been on her LJ and she is just...the angst. It kills me so ha payback even though it isn't really =/ I mean it's Kyuhan and she likes angst so I guess I'm really giving her a birthday present huh? Oh well, this is me trying out my kyuhan for the first time. If this is a success I am going to go and write more Kyuhan (even if this isn't a success I am still going to write more Kyuhan =D) so that is my rambling and I hope you guys like =)Kyuhyun didn’t understand. He couldn’t understand. He refused to understand. Nothing made sense to him.
How?
How could he do that to him? How could he do that to all of them? Didn’t they mean anything? Didn’t years of friendship, years of tears, years of laughter mean anything? Was this how life worked? Was this how it was going to be?
Not a single goodbye, not a single tear shed, nothing. There had been nothing on his part, nothing. There had been no phone calls, no letters, no last hugs. It was like he disappeared. It was like he never existed, not a single trace left of him. Nothing to let Kyuhyun know that that warm laugh had once been there. There was nothing physical, nothing substantial, nothing for Kyuhyun to grab and say this was his.
Nothing.
They had all been out to dinner that day. Kyuhyun should have known there was something wrong when Hankyung never once let go of Heechul. He should have known there was something wrong when Hankyung made Eunhyuk promise to be healthy. When Hankyung hugged Siwon and called him a good friend. When Hankyung teased Leeteuk about how he wanted to be mothered. When Hankyung told Kangin that he was a great at protecting them.
He should have known.
He should have known that the smiles Hankyung had plastered on his face were sad. He should have known. He hated himself for not knowing, for not seeing the signs on time, hated himself for not letting Hankyung hug him, hated himself for joking when he should have been serious.
“I love you Kyuhyun.” Hankyung had said. “When you go back to China you can tell everyone that I really am yours. I won’t lie this time.”
“But, hyung, don’t you know? I gave you up years ago. Siwon hyung is mine now.”
He had seen the smile on Hankyung’s face and thought it was all part of the game. But there was no game. There was only cruel reality, reality where there was no Hankyung, not anymore.
Hankyung had been Kyuhyun’s rock. His firm hold in a world that where he thought he was going insane. Hankyung had been the first to hold out a hand to him. Hankyung had been the one to hold him when he had to cry. When the fans yelled out for him to leave, he could always count on Hankyung to be there.
When it all got a bit too much and Kyuhyun needed to let go of his anger, Hankyung had been there. Kyuhyun couldn’t even remember the number of times he said things he regretted only to have Hankyung come to him later and comfort him. Hankyung never got angry at Kyuhyun. Hankyung never left. Hankyung always stayed even when everyone else had had enough snarky maknae.
And that’s why Kyuhyun hated him.
Because who was supposed to be there now? Who was supposed to help him? Who was he supposed to turn to now that Hankyung was gone? And who cared about Heechul? Who cared about Hanchul? All these relationships never existed; it was only Kyuhyun and Hankyung.
Two friends. Two very closer friends. Two people locked in a room when the others were asleep.
Just him and Hankyung.
Kyuhyun missed him.
Kyuhyun hated him, hated him so much for leaving without a word, for making that last dinner with the members so enjoyable, for laughing so much, for leading them all into a false sense of security and then leaving them alone, scared and cold.
Kyuhyun hated those smiles that encouraged them, he hated the number of pictures he had on his phone with Hankyung in every single one. Kyuhyun hated remembering that accent that was so soft when comforting and so strong when defending. Kyuhyun hated the way the Chinese crowd went crazy for Hankyung, hated Hankyung for being their perfect prince, hated it all.
He hated it because all of those things were what made Hankyung so special. They were the things that made him so easy to talk to, so easy to befriend. Kyuhyun hated it because those were the things that took Hankyung away.
It was like he never existed.
No letters.
No calls.
They all came in one day to find an empty room.
No clothes.
No shoes.
Even that small mark on the door from the time Hankyung used a chair to lock Heechul in, seemed to be gone.
There was nothing. Nothing anymore. Nothing but the news to watch. And they did watch. They watched together as Hankyung cried on stage. They watched Hankyung smile like Kyuhyun had never seen him smile before. They watched Hankyung laugh. They saw him taken in, nurtured, loved by the Chinese fans. They saw Hankyung become someone else.
And it hurt.
It hurt to know that they weren’t enough. It hurt to know that Super Junior wasn’t what Hankyung needed. It hurt to know that they weren’t enough, that Kyuhyun wasn’t enough. It hurt. It hit Kyuhyun deeper than he expected to see Hankyung laughing with people, hugging people who weren’t him, talking to friends who he had never met. It hurt because Kyuhyun felt like he had never really known Hankyung.
The words he read on the screen seemed to belie what he knew about the same man. He hadn’t even known that Hankyung could sing that well. He hadn’t known that Hankyung danced that way. He had always assumed here that it was Donghae and Eunhyuk and Shindong who could dance and that Hankyung was good, just not up to their level. He hadn’t realized just how much Hankyung had been held back. And it hurt to know that Hankyung had to leave and had to find new friends, new fame.
Was that what Hankyung wanted? Was that better than them? Than Super Junior? Than Kyuhyun? Was this what it came down to?
No Hankyung.
No Kyuhyun.
Nothing.
Would he ever get over it? Would he ever not wish that Hankyung came back? Would he ever really be able to answer a phone call from Hankyung and talk like before? Would they be able to work it out again?
Would it ever be okay?
He didn’t know. He couldn’t know. He didn’t know, not until that one day when the phone rang. Heechul was the first one on it and when he disappeared for two hours, Kyuhyun knew who it was. He knew who was there and he wanted to go over and snatch the phone away from Heechul and he wanted to go over and wrap himself in the accented voice he knew was at the other end. He wanted to listen, to forgive, to talk. He needed it, but he didn’t move. He just sat there, waiting, hoping.
“It’s for you.” Heechul said coming out his room and holding the phone out for Kyuhyun.
He looked at it and remembered. He remembered the pain he felt when he came home to an empty house, an empty room, empty drawers, empty closets. He remembered the pain that twisted inside him as he heard from other people that Hankyung was leaving, that he was suing SM, that he was gone. He remembered the laughter, the smiles, remembered the way Hankyung went to him.
He remembered how when he was new and afraid, Hankyung had held out a hand. He remembered how when they were in China, Hankyung would stand behind him and whisper translations into his ear, how at the end he would always end with a good job.
Kyuhyun remembered the tears, all the pain, the gut wrenching, heart twisting pain that followed them around for months. He remembered how Heechul cried, how the other members were quiet, withdrawn. He remembered how he would stay up at night, looking at all the pictures in his phone that were still in his phone after all this time. He remembered the anger at not being enough, at not doing enough to make Hankyung want to stay. He remembered the jealousy, the jealousy at the laughter that other people brought out in Hankyung.
He remembered.
He looked up at Heechul.
Slowly, he held out his hand for the phone.
“Hello.” He said knowing that no matter what happened now there was no going back. He had done it. He had answered because in the end it all came down to the same thing. It was about that short time together. It was about holding hands and laughing and crying together when they won an award. It was about all the sweat and tears and promises made to each other. It was about who they were and not what they had done. It was about Hankyung and Kyuhyun. It was about them.
“Kyuhyun.”
A/N: So there that was that and I will post up the nicer, happier Kyuhan some other day =) I am not so much into agnst. See the happy ending? So that was it. My first Kyuhan and yeah...<3