static_abyss (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
static_abyss) wrote2010-12-16 03:14 am
static_abyss) wrote2010-12-16 03:14 am
Entry tags:
Sworn Brothers 3/3
Title: Sworn Brothers 3/3
Pairing: Hanchul, Sihan
Genre: angst (like woah)
Rating: R
Summary: They're sworn brothers Siwon said. Brothers willing to protect each other, brothers before Super Junior members. Siwon wants friendship and Hankyung didn't even realize when it became more than that.
Note: For![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
pjvj10 because she is the reason this got written =)
A/N: So there we go. This is the last part and I think I broke my own heart. Seriously, I had to stop so many times in the middle of this and listen to something happy because if I didn't I was going to go crazy. But, it's okay. I didn't go crazy and I finished it and here is the last part and now I am going to pass out and I am not posting anything at all until December 21st. This fic took the last out of me. NO more!!! Nooooo. I need a break. Okay, so I be quiet now and let you guys read. This is way too long. Way too long. I have never written anything this long. It went from a one shot to a two shot to a three shot. *sigh* Okay enjoy because I am a mushball and it killed me to hurt Hannie and Heechul and Siwon like this. And so that means there is a happy ending -_-
Hankyung is on the plane on his way back to Korea, to Super Junior, to the members after five years. He isn’t nervous, just numb and cold. They’ve all grown up and they understand each other. They know that things happen and there are no grudges. Kyuhyun forgave him before any of the others did and so Hankyung is not worried about how they will receive him.
What worries him is Siwon. He still doesn’t know why he’s doing this or well he does. It is that stupid promise he made to Siwon so long ago.
“We’re sworn brothers, right hyung?”
“Yes Siwon, sworn brothers.”
He is going to be there, up front, with Siwon. He will have to see the look of happiness on Siwon’s face as he marries the same girl that took him away from Hankyung all those years ago. Hankyung thinks he must be a masochist because he knows it will hurt and he is still going. He doesn’t know how he’s going to do it, but he’s still on the stupid plane on his way to crush his own stupid heart that won’t stop beating.
Hankyung leans against the window and wishes that the stupid plane would crash.
It doesn’t and he’s there way too fast for his own comfort. He gets off the stupid plane, walks out and wouldn’t it be his luck that the first person he sees is Heechul. They’re all there, all of them. Siwon, Heechul, Jungsu, YongWoon, Ryeowook, Kyuhyun, JongWoon, Donghae, Eunhyuk, Shindong, Kibum, Sungmin, even Henry and of course Zhou Mi. Hankyung knew Zhou Mi would be there. Out of them all Zhou Mi is the one he sees the most.
They stand there looking at each other before Heechul runs forward, straight at him and Hankyung can’t help the way his heart contracts almost painfully. After all he did, Heechul still comes to him. Hankyung hugs him and then they’re all there, surrounding him, crying in the middle of an airport.
“You look good.” Donghae says when they’ve calmed down enough to talk.
“Yeah.” Eunhyuk says. “I see you haven’t stopped working out. You know you wouldn’t want that muscle to turn to fat. Just ask Siwon. He has to live in the gym to keep looking like that.”
Hankyung looks at Siwon, Siwon who is just as perfect as he remembers. He drinks him in and he knows Heechul sees it all. But, Heechul is also the one who pulls him down and kisses him there, in the middle of the airport. The others sort of shift to hide them from view and Hankyung lets Heechul pull him in.
He’s here for Siwon, but Heechul makes a promise to him when they pull apart, promises to make the pain go away. And what can Hankyung do? What can he do now? He lost Siwon, will never have Siwon. And Heechul is offering to take away the pain. And he is selfish as always and he gives in.
***
Hankyung thinks that he and Heechul are two sick bastards because they both know why he’s there and they still run as fast as they can to Heechul’s apartment. Hankyung’s things are at Siwon’s house because if he’s plunged the knife this far why not twist it around a little. So, he’s staying at Siwon’s place until he can go home and cry alone.
In the meantime Heechul has him by the collar and is kissing him senseless. Hankyung kisses back and grabs on to Heechul’s hips. He wants this because it’s been so damn long since he’s been with someone who actually gives a fuck about him.
He knows it selfish, because Heechul does care and deeply and Hankyung is using him. But, Heechul is here and real and Hankyung wants to feel loved. He wants to know that he is worthy of love, worthy of having someone love him, wants to know that if Siwon doesn’t want him it’s because it just wasn’t meant to be and not because he is somehow not worthy.
Hankyung has Heechul pressed against the door to the apartment and they both know they have to get inside, but why stop? Why stop when they can pretend it’s okay to do this, that they aren’t hurting each other?
“Hankyung.” Heechul breathes finally letting him go just enough. “I have to open the door.”
Hankyung lets him do it and then they’re both inside and Hankyung and Heechul are falling into Heechul’s room, almost tripping over Heebum who’s decided to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Heechul falls onto the bed first and Hankyung climbs over him kissing him, swallowing the soft moans that fall from Heechul’s lips.
“Hankyung.” Heechul whispers and Hankyung works on getting rid of their clothes. “Hankyung, I want you.”
Hankyung isn’t sure what he murmurs back because he’s too busy working them out of their clothes, trying to get this done as fast as he can because he wants it so much it hurts. He wants it because there is no Siwon here and if there is no Siwon there can be no pain.
“Hankyung.” Heechul says pulling his face up so that they’re looking at each other. “Hankyung I want you. I want you to love me tonight. Just tonight pretend it’s me you love.”
Hankyung didn’t think that words could hurt this much, but they do. And still he does what he’s told. He closes his eyes and pretends that this is what he wants, pretends that he really isn’t aching to be held by Siwon who is getting married. He pretends that he loves Heechul, pretends that the body underneath him is what keeps him going. He closes his eyes and those moans, the way Heechul holds him, the way Heechul moves against him, all of that becomes real for the moment.
And then Heechul is pulling his head up so that they’re looking in each other’s eyes and it is too intimate. It is too intimate because the love in Heechul’s eyes is too much for Hankyung to handle. It’s too much because he knows that no matter how hard he pretends, he can’t return that look.
“Hankyung, I…I l—”
But, Hankyung doesn’t let him finish. He’s there silencing Heechul with his lips, trying to erase the words, trying to make it better and knowing that there is now way that it will ever be better.
***
She’s wearing a white dress that hangs on her so well. She is short and beautiful. She is happy and Hankyung is momentarily reminded of that long ago dream he had of marriage. He wants to laugh at how Siwon gets to have what he would still want if it weren’t for Siwon.
Hankyung is glad for all the acting classes he took. He is glad he has been in so many movies because he can control his expressions. He can smile at everyone and look happy when in reality he is dying inside. He watches as Siwon and his bride kneel together. He watches them as they become one and he dies a little at each smile on Siwon’s face. He can’t bear to look at them when they finally stand together as husband and wife.
He looks away and there is Heechul ready to meet his eyes. They look at each other and Hankyung wonders why he is doing this. Heechul is there and real and Heechul loves him. Why can’t he learn to love Heechul? If Siwon is gone, if Siwon is no longer there then why is he doing this to himself? Why when Heechul is there?
After the reception is over, Hankyung walks over to Heechul. He takes the other man in his arms and kisses him. Heechul is caught by surprise and Hankyung can take his sweet time. He has his answer when he pulls away. He can never love Heechul because it isn’t the same. Heechul’s embrace isn’t the same. It’s not the same and it can’t be the same because Heechul is not Siwon.
But, Hankyung gives it a try. He goes back to China and comes back whenever he can. He comes back to Heechul and even though they both know that Hankyung just needs to forget. It doesn’t take long before Hankyung is really looking forward to seeing Heechul. It becomes less physical and more emotional.
And then comes the day when he gets the phone call.
***
He is lying on Heechul’s bed. They’re sleeping together, really sleeping and Hankyung is woken by the ringtone. The same ringtone that hasn’t changed since he was still in Super Junior. He gets up and answers the phone making sure that Heechul is still sleeping.
“Hyung I need to talk to you. I know it’s late, but…I need you.”
Hankyung writes down the hotel address and is dressed and gone before he even hangs up the phone. He gets to the hotel as fast as he knows how and rushes up the stairs. He forgets the elevator and is out of breath when Siwon opens the door.
“What’s wrong?” Hankyung asks.
But, Siwon just pulls him inside and hugs him, hugs him so tight that for a second Hankyung’s heart comes back together. And he can’t do much as Siwon cries into his shoulder. When he has calmed Siwon down enough, they both sit on the couch and Siwon tells him everything.
“She’s in love with someone else hyung.” Siwon says. “She doesn’t love me.”
Siwon tells him the story. He tells him about the fight, about how he distant she is, about how they can’t seem to make it work. Hankyung doesn’t realize he’s crying until Siwon reaches up to wipe away his tear.
“You’re always here.” Siwon says cupping Hankyung’s cheek. “You’ve always been here. I should have realized it so long ago. I should have done what I wanted to do back then. I should have been braver.”
Hankyung is afraid. He thinks he understands what Siwon is saying, but if he does, if Siwon really means what Hankyung thinks he does then he doesn’t want to know.
“I lost you.” Siwon says his hands still there and warm against Hankyung’s cheek. “I lost you to Heechul.”
Hankyung closes his eyes and turns so that his lips brush against Siwon’s hand. He hears the small intake of breath and when he opens his eyes he sees Siwon so close, so very close to him. Siwon who is watching him the way he always dreamed of being watched.
He is not sure who moves first, is not sure if he cares. All he knows is that suddenly Siwon’s lips are against his. He wants to cry at the rightness of it all. His heart feels like it’s going to burst at any moment. So long. He had waited so long for this, to feel Siwon like this, to be able to hold him.
It doesn’t take long for Hankyung to lose what little control he has. He has waited so long, so very long and he doesn’t want to wait anymore. He is tired of waiting. He wants Siwon, wants him, needs him. He needs this.
Hankyung isn’t gentle, doesn’t want gentle. He fights to get into Siwon’s mouth and when he does he can’t help the noise that escapes them and when he hears the same noise from Siwon he doesn’t understand the pain that rips through him.
He ignores it. He ignores it because Siwon is standing and pulling him up and against him and Hankyung throws his legs around Siwon’s waist and he has his hands buried in Siwon’s hair. And nothing matters as he tugs down on Siwon’s hair so that he can kiss him, kiss him the way he’s always wanted to.
Siwon walks and Hankyung doesn’t care where they go because he just cares that he is as close to Siwon as he can get and that he feels Siwon against him and that finally, finally, after waiting so long, after all the pain, Siwon is here. They run into a wall and Hankyung’s back hits it. He throws his head back as Siwon’s hands slip under his shirt. He can’t breathe, can’t think because Siwon is here and he wants this so much it hurts.
Hankyung knows something is wrong because even though they’re together and in bed and Siwon is there, even though he knows it’s supposed to be pleasure not pain, there are tears falling, running down his face. He closes his eyes and wonders why he feels like he is being torn in half, why he feels like he can’t breathe, like the pain in his chest is going to drown him. He wonders why this doesn’t make him happy.
He wonders why. And when it’s over and Siwon is next to him, he can’t do anything but cry. He sobs into Siwon’s shoulder and cries until he can’t cry anymore, until everything is gone and he’s left feeling numb. And then he grabs his clothes and puts them on and runs out the door. He doesn’t wait, doesn’t stop when he hears Siwon call him. He makes a run for it, runs straight for Heechul’s apartment and if he stopped to think about it, he would know why he does it.
But, he doesn’t think. He lets himself into the apartment and is not surprised to see Heechul there. He steps forward and pulls Heechul against him and the pain eases. He hugs Heechul, kisses him until he can’t breathe and when he pulls away he doesn’t like the look in Heechul’s eyes.
“You were with him weren’t you?”
Hankyung doesn’t deny it.
Heechul looks at him, reaches over and pulls Hankyung down so that he can kiss him. The kiss is rough, hard almost desperate and before Hankyung can do anything, Heechul has pulled away.
“Leave.” Heechul says. “Leave and don’t you dare come back. Don’t come back unless you mean it.”
Hankyung leaves. He walks out and the sun comes out to mock him. He finds his way to the same bench he sat in when Siwon told him he had a girlfriend. He sits there and remembers. He remembers how Siwon had been so happy, how he had laughed, how Siwon was always so happy when he thought of her.
He thinks of all the times he was there with Siwon, thinks of all the time he spent with Siwon, remembers how they would stay up late together when they were in China, remembers how they were always laughing.
“Hyung. There you are.”
Hankyung doesn’t look up as Siwon sits next to him. He has realized something as he sits there, something that clears up the world for him.
“You love her.” Hankyung says.
“Hyung…I…”
Hankyung shakes his head and looks up. Siwon is watching him, those brown eyes filling with tears.
“You love her don’t you?”
Siwon looks at him and nods. “Yes. I do.”
Hankyung smiles. He realizes that his heart finally hit a maximum. The pain that comes with those words doesn’t seem as big as it would have before. He doesn’t know if it because he finally understands or if it is because there is always a limit to the pain.
“Then don’t let her go.”
“But, hyung. I…you…we.”
Hankyung’s smile is half sad, half dejected. “Just let me go. If we’re brothers forever then let me go.”
Siwon watches him and Hankyung hugs him. Then he’s running, running fast and hard. He runs not caring that he almost gets hit by a car twice, runs even when he feels like his chest is on fire. He runs because he knows where he has to go. He knows where he needs to be.
He doesn’t know why he didn’t realize it before, why it didn’t make sense to him. Because he understands now why the pain is always less when he’s with Heechul. He understands why and he feels so light, like the smallest wind could carry him away.
He runs past the streets and up the stairs. He climbs them three at a time and when knocks on the door. He forgets that he has the key, that he has always had the key. He forgets and continues to pound on the door until Heechul opens it.
Hankyung looks at him, sees the red eyes and the surprise on Heechul’s face when he sees it’s Hankyung standing there.
“Hankyung?” Heechul asks. “What are you doing here?”
But, Hankyung doesn’t want to talk. Talking is what always gets him in trouble, but he can’t just stand there and do nothing. He looks at Heechul and suddenly he’s nervous. He’s done enough, more than enough for Heechul to hate him forever and he is afraid, afraid that maybe it’s too late, that maybe he can’t fix it anymore.
“I’m here.” Hankyung says shifting nervously. “You said to come back if…when I was ready.”
“You are such an idiot.” Heechul says and Hankyung’s heart hurts to see the tears.
“Heechul-ah.” He whispers.
“Shut up.” Heechul says. “Shut up and kiss me.”
***
Hankyung wakes because of the knock or more like pound on their door. Heechul wakes with him and they go to the door together. When he opens it, it’s Siwon who runs in and hugs Hankyung until he feels like his lungs are going to break.
When Siwon lets go Heechul comes to his side, takes his hand and leans against him, protective.
“What are you doing here Siwon?” Heechul asks.
“A baby!” Siwon says his smile so wide, those dimples so beautifully shown off. “She’s going to have a baby. I’m going to be a father! A father.”
Hankyung is the first to recover. He laughs and hugs Siwon and it doesn’t hurt the way it used to. “Congratulations. I hope he looks like his mother. We wouldn’t want him to come out ugly.”
Siwon laughs and hugs Heechul too.
“I’m going to be a father.”
“Yeah, we heard.” Heechul grumbles. “You woke me up at this hour for that?”
But Siwon is too happy to care. “I have to go tell Donghae hyung.”
“Yes, you do that now.” Heechul says closing the door after Siwon is gone.
Hankyung takes a seat on the couch and Heechul joins him putting his head on his shoulder.
“Do you want a baby?” Heechul asks.
“Nope. You’re a handful enough as it is.” Hankyung answers.
“Shut up and make me breakfast.”
Hankyung makes a show of complaining but gets up and does it anyway. Heechul is there, barking out instructions and providing a very appealing distraction. He’s so distracting in fact that they almost burn their breakfast.
***
Hankyung is the baby’s godfather. Choi Hankyung they named him. Hankyung watches Siwon and his wife and their child and he can’t help the smile. There is still a dull ache whenever he looks at Siwon. There has to be. It wasn’t a one year thing. There were many years invested in Siwon. Hankyung knows that he will always feel an ache, but with time it will lessen.
And besides, when he turns there’s Heechul. When Hankyung holds him there is no ache, no pain, not even a hint of it. There’s just warmth, a burning sensation so strong it should burn, but it doesn’t. It fills him up to the very top and warms him and makes him feel like everything in the world is bright and good. He can’t think when Heechul is in his arms, doesn’t want to think. He doesn’t care what happens because Heechul is there and Heechul has always been there and Hankyung knows that he will spend the rest of his life making it up to him.
Hankyung knows that he can’t leave Heechul because along the way Heechul stole something very important from Hankyung. Heechul managed to take his heart and Hankyung doesn’t know where he hid it, could care less where it is because Heechul has it.
“What are you thinking about?” Heechul asks.
Hankyung says nothing.
“Tell me.” Heechul says turning in Hankyung’s arms. “What are you thinking about that has you looking so weird?”
Hankyung looks at Heechul and kisses his nose.
“Stop being so gross.” Heechul complains but Hankyung sees the smile Heechul is trying to hide.
“I love you.” Hankyung says meaning it with everything he has.
He feels the way Heechul goes stiff in his arms and he hugs him close burying his face in Heechul’s hair. He breathes in the scent that has become familiar to him and lays his cheek on top of Heechul’s head.
“So, when are you moving in?” Heechul asks finally.
Hankyung laughs. “Heechul, my stuff has been in your apartment for years.”
“Your point?”
Hankyung laughs again and leans down to kiss Heechul.
“You’re not allowed out of this house ever.” Heechul tells him.
Hankyung doesn’t need Heechul to tell him that. He doesn’t want to leave.
“Hankyung?” Heechul says.
“Hm.”
“I love you.”
A/N: *sigh* Okay, there we go. It's over. And I know. I was originally going to make this Sihan but I mean look where this thing took me. It was not going to be angst and then BAM it was angst. And Heechul broke my heart. I couldn't throw him away. And Hankyung. Oh my baby. *sobs* My poor baby. Look what I did to him. Come on you can't blame me for giving the Hanchul a go. I love Sihan but then Siwon's wife had to go and have a baby and of course Siwon forgave her. And she was just bring dumb and oh gosh, okay I'll be quiet now.
Pairing: Hanchul, Sihan
Genre: angst (like woah)
Rating: R
Summary: They're sworn brothers Siwon said. Brothers willing to protect each other, brothers before Super Junior members. Siwon wants friendship and Hankyung didn't even realize when it became more than that.
Note: For
pjvj10 because she is the reason this got written =)A/N: So there we go. This is the last part and I think I broke my own heart. Seriously, I had to stop so many times in the middle of this and listen to something happy because if I didn't I was going to go crazy. But, it's okay. I didn't go crazy and I finished it and here is the last part and now I am going to pass out and I am not posting anything at all until December 21st. This fic took the last out of me. NO more!!! Nooooo. I need a break. Okay, so I be quiet now and let you guys read. This is way too long. Way too long. I have never written anything this long. It went from a one shot to a two shot to a three shot. *sigh* Okay enjoy because I am a mushball and it killed me to hurt Hannie and Heechul and Siwon like this. And so that means there is a happy ending -_-
Hankyung is on the plane on his way back to Korea, to Super Junior, to the members after five years. He isn’t nervous, just numb and cold. They’ve all grown up and they understand each other. They know that things happen and there are no grudges. Kyuhyun forgave him before any of the others did and so Hankyung is not worried about how they will receive him.
What worries him is Siwon. He still doesn’t know why he’s doing this or well he does. It is that stupid promise he made to Siwon so long ago.
“We’re sworn brothers, right hyung?”
“Yes Siwon, sworn brothers.”
He is going to be there, up front, with Siwon. He will have to see the look of happiness on Siwon’s face as he marries the same girl that took him away from Hankyung all those years ago. Hankyung thinks he must be a masochist because he knows it will hurt and he is still going. He doesn’t know how he’s going to do it, but he’s still on the stupid plane on his way to crush his own stupid heart that won’t stop beating.
Hankyung leans against the window and wishes that the stupid plane would crash.
It doesn’t and he’s there way too fast for his own comfort. He gets off the stupid plane, walks out and wouldn’t it be his luck that the first person he sees is Heechul. They’re all there, all of them. Siwon, Heechul, Jungsu, YongWoon, Ryeowook, Kyuhyun, JongWoon, Donghae, Eunhyuk, Shindong, Kibum, Sungmin, even Henry and of course Zhou Mi. Hankyung knew Zhou Mi would be there. Out of them all Zhou Mi is the one he sees the most.
They stand there looking at each other before Heechul runs forward, straight at him and Hankyung can’t help the way his heart contracts almost painfully. After all he did, Heechul still comes to him. Hankyung hugs him and then they’re all there, surrounding him, crying in the middle of an airport.
“You look good.” Donghae says when they’ve calmed down enough to talk.
“Yeah.” Eunhyuk says. “I see you haven’t stopped working out. You know you wouldn’t want that muscle to turn to fat. Just ask Siwon. He has to live in the gym to keep looking like that.”
Hankyung looks at Siwon, Siwon who is just as perfect as he remembers. He drinks him in and he knows Heechul sees it all. But, Heechul is also the one who pulls him down and kisses him there, in the middle of the airport. The others sort of shift to hide them from view and Hankyung lets Heechul pull him in.
He’s here for Siwon, but Heechul makes a promise to him when they pull apart, promises to make the pain go away. And what can Hankyung do? What can he do now? He lost Siwon, will never have Siwon. And Heechul is offering to take away the pain. And he is selfish as always and he gives in.
***
Hankyung thinks that he and Heechul are two sick bastards because they both know why he’s there and they still run as fast as they can to Heechul’s apartment. Hankyung’s things are at Siwon’s house because if he’s plunged the knife this far why not twist it around a little. So, he’s staying at Siwon’s place until he can go home and cry alone.
In the meantime Heechul has him by the collar and is kissing him senseless. Hankyung kisses back and grabs on to Heechul’s hips. He wants this because it’s been so damn long since he’s been with someone who actually gives a fuck about him.
He knows it selfish, because Heechul does care and deeply and Hankyung is using him. But, Heechul is here and real and Hankyung wants to feel loved. He wants to know that he is worthy of love, worthy of having someone love him, wants to know that if Siwon doesn’t want him it’s because it just wasn’t meant to be and not because he is somehow not worthy.
Hankyung has Heechul pressed against the door to the apartment and they both know they have to get inside, but why stop? Why stop when they can pretend it’s okay to do this, that they aren’t hurting each other?
“Hankyung.” Heechul breathes finally letting him go just enough. “I have to open the door.”
Hankyung lets him do it and then they’re both inside and Hankyung and Heechul are falling into Heechul’s room, almost tripping over Heebum who’s decided to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Heechul falls onto the bed first and Hankyung climbs over him kissing him, swallowing the soft moans that fall from Heechul’s lips.
“Hankyung.” Heechul whispers and Hankyung works on getting rid of their clothes. “Hankyung, I want you.”
Hankyung isn’t sure what he murmurs back because he’s too busy working them out of their clothes, trying to get this done as fast as he can because he wants it so much it hurts. He wants it because there is no Siwon here and if there is no Siwon there can be no pain.
“Hankyung.” Heechul says pulling his face up so that they’re looking at each other. “Hankyung I want you. I want you to love me tonight. Just tonight pretend it’s me you love.”
Hankyung didn’t think that words could hurt this much, but they do. And still he does what he’s told. He closes his eyes and pretends that this is what he wants, pretends that he really isn’t aching to be held by Siwon who is getting married. He pretends that he loves Heechul, pretends that the body underneath him is what keeps him going. He closes his eyes and those moans, the way Heechul holds him, the way Heechul moves against him, all of that becomes real for the moment.
And then Heechul is pulling his head up so that they’re looking in each other’s eyes and it is too intimate. It is too intimate because the love in Heechul’s eyes is too much for Hankyung to handle. It’s too much because he knows that no matter how hard he pretends, he can’t return that look.
“Hankyung, I…I l—”
But, Hankyung doesn’t let him finish. He’s there silencing Heechul with his lips, trying to erase the words, trying to make it better and knowing that there is now way that it will ever be better.
***
She’s wearing a white dress that hangs on her so well. She is short and beautiful. She is happy and Hankyung is momentarily reminded of that long ago dream he had of marriage. He wants to laugh at how Siwon gets to have what he would still want if it weren’t for Siwon.
Hankyung is glad for all the acting classes he took. He is glad he has been in so many movies because he can control his expressions. He can smile at everyone and look happy when in reality he is dying inside. He watches as Siwon and his bride kneel together. He watches them as they become one and he dies a little at each smile on Siwon’s face. He can’t bear to look at them when they finally stand together as husband and wife.
He looks away and there is Heechul ready to meet his eyes. They look at each other and Hankyung wonders why he is doing this. Heechul is there and real and Heechul loves him. Why can’t he learn to love Heechul? If Siwon is gone, if Siwon is no longer there then why is he doing this to himself? Why when Heechul is there?
After the reception is over, Hankyung walks over to Heechul. He takes the other man in his arms and kisses him. Heechul is caught by surprise and Hankyung can take his sweet time. He has his answer when he pulls away. He can never love Heechul because it isn’t the same. Heechul’s embrace isn’t the same. It’s not the same and it can’t be the same because Heechul is not Siwon.
But, Hankyung gives it a try. He goes back to China and comes back whenever he can. He comes back to Heechul and even though they both know that Hankyung just needs to forget. It doesn’t take long before Hankyung is really looking forward to seeing Heechul. It becomes less physical and more emotional.
And then comes the day when he gets the phone call.
***
He is lying on Heechul’s bed. They’re sleeping together, really sleeping and Hankyung is woken by the ringtone. The same ringtone that hasn’t changed since he was still in Super Junior. He gets up and answers the phone making sure that Heechul is still sleeping.
“Hyung I need to talk to you. I know it’s late, but…I need you.”
Hankyung writes down the hotel address and is dressed and gone before he even hangs up the phone. He gets to the hotel as fast as he knows how and rushes up the stairs. He forgets the elevator and is out of breath when Siwon opens the door.
“What’s wrong?” Hankyung asks.
But, Siwon just pulls him inside and hugs him, hugs him so tight that for a second Hankyung’s heart comes back together. And he can’t do much as Siwon cries into his shoulder. When he has calmed Siwon down enough, they both sit on the couch and Siwon tells him everything.
“She’s in love with someone else hyung.” Siwon says. “She doesn’t love me.”
Siwon tells him the story. He tells him about the fight, about how he distant she is, about how they can’t seem to make it work. Hankyung doesn’t realize he’s crying until Siwon reaches up to wipe away his tear.
“You’re always here.” Siwon says cupping Hankyung’s cheek. “You’ve always been here. I should have realized it so long ago. I should have done what I wanted to do back then. I should have been braver.”
Hankyung is afraid. He thinks he understands what Siwon is saying, but if he does, if Siwon really means what Hankyung thinks he does then he doesn’t want to know.
“I lost you.” Siwon says his hands still there and warm against Hankyung’s cheek. “I lost you to Heechul.”
Hankyung closes his eyes and turns so that his lips brush against Siwon’s hand. He hears the small intake of breath and when he opens his eyes he sees Siwon so close, so very close to him. Siwon who is watching him the way he always dreamed of being watched.
He is not sure who moves first, is not sure if he cares. All he knows is that suddenly Siwon’s lips are against his. He wants to cry at the rightness of it all. His heart feels like it’s going to burst at any moment. So long. He had waited so long for this, to feel Siwon like this, to be able to hold him.
It doesn’t take long for Hankyung to lose what little control he has. He has waited so long, so very long and he doesn’t want to wait anymore. He is tired of waiting. He wants Siwon, wants him, needs him. He needs this.
Hankyung isn’t gentle, doesn’t want gentle. He fights to get into Siwon’s mouth and when he does he can’t help the noise that escapes them and when he hears the same noise from Siwon he doesn’t understand the pain that rips through him.
He ignores it. He ignores it because Siwon is standing and pulling him up and against him and Hankyung throws his legs around Siwon’s waist and he has his hands buried in Siwon’s hair. And nothing matters as he tugs down on Siwon’s hair so that he can kiss him, kiss him the way he’s always wanted to.
Siwon walks and Hankyung doesn’t care where they go because he just cares that he is as close to Siwon as he can get and that he feels Siwon against him and that finally, finally, after waiting so long, after all the pain, Siwon is here. They run into a wall and Hankyung’s back hits it. He throws his head back as Siwon’s hands slip under his shirt. He can’t breathe, can’t think because Siwon is here and he wants this so much it hurts.
Hankyung knows something is wrong because even though they’re together and in bed and Siwon is there, even though he knows it’s supposed to be pleasure not pain, there are tears falling, running down his face. He closes his eyes and wonders why he feels like he is being torn in half, why he feels like he can’t breathe, like the pain in his chest is going to drown him. He wonders why this doesn’t make him happy.
He wonders why. And when it’s over and Siwon is next to him, he can’t do anything but cry. He sobs into Siwon’s shoulder and cries until he can’t cry anymore, until everything is gone and he’s left feeling numb. And then he grabs his clothes and puts them on and runs out the door. He doesn’t wait, doesn’t stop when he hears Siwon call him. He makes a run for it, runs straight for Heechul’s apartment and if he stopped to think about it, he would know why he does it.
But, he doesn’t think. He lets himself into the apartment and is not surprised to see Heechul there. He steps forward and pulls Heechul against him and the pain eases. He hugs Heechul, kisses him until he can’t breathe and when he pulls away he doesn’t like the look in Heechul’s eyes.
“You were with him weren’t you?”
Hankyung doesn’t deny it.
Heechul looks at him, reaches over and pulls Hankyung down so that he can kiss him. The kiss is rough, hard almost desperate and before Hankyung can do anything, Heechul has pulled away.
“Leave.” Heechul says. “Leave and don’t you dare come back. Don’t come back unless you mean it.”
Hankyung leaves. He walks out and the sun comes out to mock him. He finds his way to the same bench he sat in when Siwon told him he had a girlfriend. He sits there and remembers. He remembers how Siwon had been so happy, how he had laughed, how Siwon was always so happy when he thought of her.
He thinks of all the times he was there with Siwon, thinks of all the time he spent with Siwon, remembers how they would stay up late together when they were in China, remembers how they were always laughing.
“Hyung. There you are.”
Hankyung doesn’t look up as Siwon sits next to him. He has realized something as he sits there, something that clears up the world for him.
“You love her.” Hankyung says.
“Hyung…I…”
Hankyung shakes his head and looks up. Siwon is watching him, those brown eyes filling with tears.
“You love her don’t you?”
Siwon looks at him and nods. “Yes. I do.”
Hankyung smiles. He realizes that his heart finally hit a maximum. The pain that comes with those words doesn’t seem as big as it would have before. He doesn’t know if it because he finally understands or if it is because there is always a limit to the pain.
“Then don’t let her go.”
“But, hyung. I…you…we.”
Hankyung’s smile is half sad, half dejected. “Just let me go. If we’re brothers forever then let me go.”
Siwon watches him and Hankyung hugs him. Then he’s running, running fast and hard. He runs not caring that he almost gets hit by a car twice, runs even when he feels like his chest is on fire. He runs because he knows where he has to go. He knows where he needs to be.
He doesn’t know why he didn’t realize it before, why it didn’t make sense to him. Because he understands now why the pain is always less when he’s with Heechul. He understands why and he feels so light, like the smallest wind could carry him away.
He runs past the streets and up the stairs. He climbs them three at a time and when knocks on the door. He forgets that he has the key, that he has always had the key. He forgets and continues to pound on the door until Heechul opens it.
Hankyung looks at him, sees the red eyes and the surprise on Heechul’s face when he sees it’s Hankyung standing there.
“Hankyung?” Heechul asks. “What are you doing here?”
But, Hankyung doesn’t want to talk. Talking is what always gets him in trouble, but he can’t just stand there and do nothing. He looks at Heechul and suddenly he’s nervous. He’s done enough, more than enough for Heechul to hate him forever and he is afraid, afraid that maybe it’s too late, that maybe he can’t fix it anymore.
“I’m here.” Hankyung says shifting nervously. “You said to come back if…when I was ready.”
“You are such an idiot.” Heechul says and Hankyung’s heart hurts to see the tears.
“Heechul-ah.” He whispers.
“Shut up.” Heechul says. “Shut up and kiss me.”
***
Hankyung wakes because of the knock or more like pound on their door. Heechul wakes with him and they go to the door together. When he opens it, it’s Siwon who runs in and hugs Hankyung until he feels like his lungs are going to break.
When Siwon lets go Heechul comes to his side, takes his hand and leans against him, protective.
“What are you doing here Siwon?” Heechul asks.
“A baby!” Siwon says his smile so wide, those dimples so beautifully shown off. “She’s going to have a baby. I’m going to be a father! A father.”
Hankyung is the first to recover. He laughs and hugs Siwon and it doesn’t hurt the way it used to. “Congratulations. I hope he looks like his mother. We wouldn’t want him to come out ugly.”
Siwon laughs and hugs Heechul too.
“I’m going to be a father.”
“Yeah, we heard.” Heechul grumbles. “You woke me up at this hour for that?”
But Siwon is too happy to care. “I have to go tell Donghae hyung.”
“Yes, you do that now.” Heechul says closing the door after Siwon is gone.
Hankyung takes a seat on the couch and Heechul joins him putting his head on his shoulder.
“Do you want a baby?” Heechul asks.
“Nope. You’re a handful enough as it is.” Hankyung answers.
“Shut up and make me breakfast.”
Hankyung makes a show of complaining but gets up and does it anyway. Heechul is there, barking out instructions and providing a very appealing distraction. He’s so distracting in fact that they almost burn their breakfast.
***
Hankyung is the baby’s godfather. Choi Hankyung they named him. Hankyung watches Siwon and his wife and their child and he can’t help the smile. There is still a dull ache whenever he looks at Siwon. There has to be. It wasn’t a one year thing. There were many years invested in Siwon. Hankyung knows that he will always feel an ache, but with time it will lessen.
And besides, when he turns there’s Heechul. When Hankyung holds him there is no ache, no pain, not even a hint of it. There’s just warmth, a burning sensation so strong it should burn, but it doesn’t. It fills him up to the very top and warms him and makes him feel like everything in the world is bright and good. He can’t think when Heechul is in his arms, doesn’t want to think. He doesn’t care what happens because Heechul is there and Heechul has always been there and Hankyung knows that he will spend the rest of his life making it up to him.
Hankyung knows that he can’t leave Heechul because along the way Heechul stole something very important from Hankyung. Heechul managed to take his heart and Hankyung doesn’t know where he hid it, could care less where it is because Heechul has it.
“What are you thinking about?” Heechul asks.
Hankyung says nothing.
“Tell me.” Heechul says turning in Hankyung’s arms. “What are you thinking about that has you looking so weird?”
Hankyung looks at Heechul and kisses his nose.
“Stop being so gross.” Heechul complains but Hankyung sees the smile Heechul is trying to hide.
“I love you.” Hankyung says meaning it with everything he has.
He feels the way Heechul goes stiff in his arms and he hugs him close burying his face in Heechul’s hair. He breathes in the scent that has become familiar to him and lays his cheek on top of Heechul’s head.
“So, when are you moving in?” Heechul asks finally.
Hankyung laughs. “Heechul, my stuff has been in your apartment for years.”
“Your point?”
Hankyung laughs again and leans down to kiss Heechul.
“You’re not allowed out of this house ever.” Heechul tells him.
Hankyung doesn’t need Heechul to tell him that. He doesn’t want to leave.
“Hankyung?” Heechul says.
“Hm.”
“I love you.”
A/N: *sigh* Okay, there we go. It's over. And I know. I was originally going to make this Sihan but I mean look where this thing took me. It was not going to be angst and then BAM it was angst. And Heechul broke my heart. I couldn't throw him away. And Hankyung. Oh my baby. *sobs* My poor baby. Look what I did to him. Come on you can't blame me for giving the Hanchul a go. I love Sihan but then Siwon's wife had to go and have a baby and of course Siwon forgave her. And she was just bring dumb and oh gosh, okay I'll be quiet now.