static_abyss (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
static_abyss) wrote2010-12-15 11:13 pm
static_abyss) wrote2010-12-15 11:13 pm
Entry tags:
Sworn Brothers 2/3
Title: Sworn Brothers 2/3
Pairing: onesided!Sihan, onesided!Hanchul
Genre: angst (like woah)
Rating: R (language)
Summary: They're sworn brothers Siwon said. Brothers willing to protect each other, brothers before Super Junior members. Siwon wants friendship and Hankyung didn't even realize when it became more than that.
Note: For![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
pjvj10 because she is the reason this got written =)
A/N: So like I was saying yesterday. I knew this was going to be longer than I originally planned. It is now a three part fic. I suck =( lol okay so here is the seconds part to this and I promise to get the next part up tomorrow. Tomorrow means a few hours after I post this. So, I'll have the last part soon. Read the genre. This is angst. Angst so bad it made me sad and I'm the one writing it XD Yeah...
They’re in China when the news about the lawsuit comes out. Hankyung knows from the look on everyone’s face that they knew nothing, that it is new to them. He can see the look on Siwon’s face and it breaks him. It tears to pieces the little resolve he has left and he has to walk away from them all. He doesn’t wait for them to say anything.
He can see that Henry understands and Zhou Mi. Even if they don’t like it they understand because they think they know why he’s doing it. They think it’s because it has finally taken its toll on him, the harsh words, the exhaustion. The two of them, Zhou Mi and Henry, think they know and they sort of do. In the end it’s about how they don’t belong, not in Korea, not in a place that doesn’t accept them.
Hankyung doesn’t belong. He doesn’t. Siwon doesn’t need him. Zhou Mi doesn’t need him. Henry doesn’t need him. They have grown, all of them, all of them are strong, all of them can deal with it. He can’t. He is weak.
He can’t handle it. He can’t watch Siwon be happy. He can’t watch as each day Siwon moves farther and farther away from him. He can’t. He has tried to and he knows it can’t work, not even if he wanted it to. Siwon has every right to do what he wants, to have a happy life, to have children, to watch them run around. He does. Hankyung wishes him the best, but he can’t do it.
***
“Why?” Kyuhyun asks.
They’re all back in their hotel room, rushed there by their manager after the news broke out. They’d had to rush past all the sobbing and begging fans. It broke Hankyung’s heart to watch them, but if they knew. If they knew the reason he was doing this then they would understand.
“Why? Why damn it! Why? What did we do to you that was so wrong?” Kyuhyun asks his voice getting louder and louder with each word.
Hankyung looks at him. He looks at Zhou Mi. He looks at Henry. It’s when he gets to Henry that he can’t do it. It’s because he knows Henry looks up to him, that Henry always comes to him when he needs to talk. It’s because he loves Henry, likes taking care of him, has found a younger brother in Henry. And also because if he were to look past Henry, he’d see Siwon.
“Kui Xian.” Zhou Mi says his tone reprimanding. “Don’t be so harsh. Han Geng can explain. I’m sure he has an explanation.”
Hankyung thanks Zhou Mi with his eyes but there is no explanation, none at all. Saying that he was leaving because he was alone and tired of hurting didn’t make sense. It is too selfish.
“This is going to kill Heechul.” Kyuhyun says.
Hankyung looks up then, because he hadn’t even thought of Heechul. He hadn’t bothered to think about Heechul. Heechul who called him every day, who listened to him, who laughed with him, who defended him, who loved him. Heechul. He hadn’t even thought of Heechul.
“Leave him alone Kyuhyun.” Siwon says.
Hankyung looks up and Siwon is looking at him. Hankyung sees sadness in those eyes, but he smiles at Hankyung anyway.
“Why should I leave him alone? He didn’t tell any one of us. Are we not important then? You’re too high and mighty now to include your friends? Oh, wait. We’re not friends are we? If we were you would have said something instead of going on behind our backs.”
“Kui Xian.” Zhou Mi says putting a hand on Kyuhyun’s shoulder. “You need to calm down.”
“Like fuck I will.”
“Don’t curse.” Siwon says but his heart just isn’t in it.
“Go to hell all of you, but you.” Kyuhyun says pointing at Hankyung. “You, you’re dead to me.”
There is silence after Kyuhyun’s words, silence that stretches so far it almost suffocates them. Hankyung doesn’t say anything. What is there to say? Kyuhyun is right. He did go behind their backs. He did keep them out of the loop. But, what could he have said to them? What would he have said to Heechul if Heechul had asked? But, most importantly what would he have told Siwon?
“Don’t worry hyung.” Ryeowook says even though his eyes are slowly filling with tears. “Kyunnie didn’t mean that. He’s just surprised.”
“Yes.” Siwon says. “We all were. But, now what we have to do is calm down.”
“I’ll go talk to Kyuhyun.” Hankyung says because it is only right.
“No.” Siwon says. “No. He’s not going to do anything but hurt you right now. Let Ryeowook or Zhou Mi do it. You come with me. You need to eat and calm down.”
Hankyung looks up finally meets Siwon’s eye without looking away. He wants to see something in those eyes, something that will make him throw everything away and jump into his arms, something that will fix that aching hole where his heart used to be.
He sees nothing, just a small smile that is supposed to reassure him.
***
Hankyung knows the call is coming. He knows because if Kyuhyun is mad then he will talk. And if it came out on the news then everyone will know by the end of the day. He is sitting in his room with the door locked when it happens.
His phone rings with Don’t Don, their song and Heechul’s idea of romantic.
“Hello.” Hankyung says sliding down to the floor because he need something solid for this.
“When were you planning on telling me?” Heechul asks.
Hankyung hears that soft voice, hears the way Heechul is trying hard to sound like it’s okay when it really isn’t. He hears how Heechul sounds so caring, so concerned.
“Is it because someone did something to you? Who was it? Tell me Hankyung. You know I’ll go fix it. Just…tell me who.” Heechul says his voice going low at the end.
Hankyung takes a deep breath. It’s not fair, he knows it, but nothing is fair.
“I just…I didn’t think it was something that you needed to be bothered with.” He says.
“Fuck you.” Heechul says and Hankyung is glad that the lost tone is gone. “Fuck you Hankyung. What did you think? That you would just bounce back in here, pick up your things and leave? Just like that? What about me? What about us?”
Hankyung takes a deep breath. He wonders for a second why this isn’t tearing him as much as the thought of leaving Siwon is. He wonders how he can be so unfair, so heartless. This is Heechul. This is his best friend. This is the person he has been using for the last year. Heechul deserves an explanation and Hankyung knows it.
“I…I’ll talk to you when we get back.”
He knows that’s not what Heechul wants to hear, but he can’t do much.
“Hankyung, you know I love you right?” Heechul says and Hankyung wishes he hadn’t.
It’s the first time Heechul has told him this, the first time he hears it since they started this relationship. It is when Heechul says it and in that tone that he knows he can’t do this either.
“Heechul, I…”
“Go to sleep.” Heechul says. “Rest. I’ll see you in a few days.”
Hankyung opens his mouth to say something, to tell Heechul that he shouldn’t love him, that he doesn’t deserve it, that he should take it back and forget it, because Hankyung is just going to break his heart. Because Hankyung knows what he is going to say when they get back to Korea. He knows Heechul won’t like it.
***
Siwon says nothing about the law suit until the day before they have to go back. Heechul says nothing more about it either, but Hankyung is getting more phone calls, more texts. He’s sitting on the couch with his bags packed because they have to leave early in the morning. He’s answering one of Heechul’s text messages when Siwon sits down next to him.
“Hankyung hyung.” Siwon says when Hankyung puts down the phone. “I wanted to talk to you.”
Hankyung nods. “Of course Siwon. What is it?”
Siwon takes his hand and Hankyung knows what this is. He doesn’t want this, doesn’t need this. He doesn’t think he is strong enough for this. He wants to get out, is desperately seeking an escape, but Siwon has both of his hands in his and Hankyung can’t move especially not when Siwon speaks.
“Geng-ge, I know…I know it’s hard, so hard…so hard for you in Korea.” Siwon breaks of and Hankyung sees the tears in his eyes. “I wish I had been…better at protecting you. I wish I had cared for you better. But…”
“Siwon.” Hankyung says reaching to wipe away Siwon’s tears.
Siwon pulls him into a hug and Hankyung marvels at the wonder that is the human heart because even though at this moment his heart feels like it has burst into millions of bleeding pieces, even now when he feels each of Siwon’s breaths as a stab, even now, his heart is still beating.
“I want what’s best for you.” Siwon says. “We’re brothers.”
Hankyung stops him. He can’t hear anymore, doesn’t want to hear anymore. Brothers. Brothers, they’re brothers. It’s funny, Hankyung thinks cynically, funny because you aren’t supposed to want to fuck your brother.
When he realizes what he’s thinking he can’t do it anymore. He breaks down, his own tears falling down his face. He was never good at keeping in his emotions, never good at being strong and Siwon, he could never be strong when it came to Siwon. He lets Siwon pull him in, let’s Siwon hug him, let’s Siwon murmur comforting words in his ear. He lets Siwon do it even though he knows that he shouldn’t, that it’ll just hurt more when he leaves.
“I love you.” Siwon says. “I love you because you’re my brother. I’ll always love you no matter where you are.”
The human heart really is a wonder. It has to be superhuman Hankyung thinks. Otherwise he doesn’t understand why his heart is still beating.
***
The hardest part about getting on the plane is saying goodbye to Henry. Hankyung loves Henry, wants to take care of him, has become so protective of the young boy. He doesn’t know what he will get a chance to see Henry again, but he knows that Henry will be okay. He will be okay because he has Zhou Mi and Kyuhyun and Siwon and Ryeowook and Donghae. Henry will be okay. Hankyung hugs him and pats him on the head and tells him to be good and he manages to push his own tears back as he wipes the ones on Henry’s face.
The rest of them say nothing as they pile into the plane that will take them back to Korea. Kyuhyun make sure to sit as far away from Hankyung as he can and Siwon beats Ryeowook to Hankyung’s side. Siwon doesn’t let go of Hankyung’s hand once. Siwon is the one that hides Hankyung when they get to the airport and are surrounded by crying fans and obnoxious reporters. Siwon shoves Hankyung into the car first and they leave.
No one says anything when they get to the dorms. There is no one there only Heechul and Sungmin. They’re waiting for him to explain, to say something, but he can’t. Hankyung has his suitcase packed already. He just needs to go and get some things from his room and leave. He has left his suitcase with his manager and he knows it is sudden and uncalled for but he has to leave. He has to get out before he hurts anyone else.
He goes to his room and grabs what he needs to, but before he can leave Heechul is there.
“You’re leaving already?”
Hankyung nods.
“Why? Did I do something wrong? Why?”
Hankyung looks at Heechul. He sees that look in Heechul’s eyes and he is so sorry, so very sorry, but he can’t.
“I didn’t know you were going to be here.” He says.
“What?” Heechul asks angry. “You were going to leave without saying goodbye? You were just going to walk away like a coward? After all this time?”
Hankyung looks at Heechul and knows it isn’t fair.
“I’m sorry.” He says knowing that he will never be able to make it better. He will never be able to gain Heechul’s trust again, never be deserving of that love again. But, it doesn’t matter because what’s done in done and he just wants to go.
“Sorry for what?” Heechul asks and Hankyung sees the tears in those eyes.
He doesn’t like the tears. He hates the tears. He wants Heechul to be angry because when Heechul is angry he isn’t sad. Anger Hankyung can deal with, the sadness just hurts more. So, he says it, to ease his pain and Heechul’s.
“I’m sorry because I lied to you. I’ve been lying to you and to everyone.”
“Lying to me?” Heechul says his eyes already drying. “What are you talking about?”
“it’s Siwon.” Hankyung says. “It’s always been Siwon. I’m sorry. I thought it wouldn’t be Siwon. I thought that maybe it could be you but it didn’t happen. It was Siwon from the beginning. It’s still Siwon.”
Hankyung isn’t surprised when he feels pain on the right side of his face. He isn’t surprised when Heechul is there angry and red in the face, whether from anger or something else Hankyung isn’t sure. All he knows is that suddenly Heechul is not only crying, but raging. He grabs the nearest thing which happens to be a framed picture of the two of them and throws it, not at Hankyung, but at the wall.
“Get out.” Heechul says his voice hoarse. “Get the fuck out! Now! Leave. I don’t want to see your face. Get out!”
“Heechul.”
“No.” Heechul says throwing something else. “Get out! Get out! Leave and don’t come back. You can die in China for all I care.”
Hankyung tries to reach for Heechul. But, Heechul just reaches for something else and throws it at him. Hankyung takes the hint. He turns and walks away without looking back. He doesn’t see Heechul. He doesn’t see how Heechul falls to the ground, sobbing, quietly so that Hankyung can’t hear. He doesn’t see how Heechul wraps his arms around himself and cries. Hankyung doesn’t see it because he leaves. He doesn’t say a word to the others.
Siwon is the only one who walks him to the car. Siwon hugs him and Hankyung doesn’t want to let go. He wants to fall into that embrace forever. He wants Siwon to hold him and tell him it will be alright. He wants Siwon to never let him go. He wants Siwon to ask him to stay. That’s all. If Siwon would just open his mouth and say those words he would drop everything and go back.
But, Siwon just lets him go.
“I love you.” Siwon says. “Be safe.”
Hankyung looks at him and sees the tears that are running down Siwon’s face. He knows he isn’t much better and he wishes it didn’t have to be this way. He wishes that Siwon would say something. He wishes that he had never hurt Heechul, that he had never been this selfish. But, it has all happened this way and now he has to go.
He gets into the car and when he looks back Siwon is waving. He raises an arm in farewell and turns back. It’s done.
***
He’s been in China for one month when he gets Kyuhyun’s letter. It comes to him through his manager. He knows it’s from Kyuhyun because he recognizes the handwriting. He has lived with them long enough to be able to tell that much. The letter starts out in Mandarin, but it is only the first sentence.
I don’t know what you were thinking. I don’t know what I was thinking, trying to make this easier for you by writing in your language. I don’t know who you think you are, but if this is the way you want to repay what Korea did for you then fine. If you want to be selfish then fine. If all these years, we’ve been together, if all the things we went through, if all the sweat and tears meant nothing to you then fine. But, I want you to know that what you did was sick.
You’re sick. I thought better of you. I looked up to you. I loved you like a brother. I respected you, but you taught me nothing, just that when it gets tough I should give up. And you taught me that honor means nothing.
I just want you to know that Heechul hasn’t been eating, that he had to go see a fucking shrink. I hope that makes you happy. It’s what you wanted no? You wanted Heechul to suffer right along with you, didn’t you?
He loved you. He loved you and you threw him away like a dirty rag. You make me sick and I hope you’re happy. Why shouldn’t you be? You got what you wanted. You’re going to be famous on your own. You threw us away. You threw hyung away.
Just know that today you lose a brother. This is the only letter I will write to you. This is the only thing I have to say to you. You don’t even deserve this, but I have to let you know somehow. Be happy Han Geng. Be happy even though you made sure Heechul wouldn’t. Be happy even though you made sure that we would all hurt when you left. Be fucking happy because we fucking miss you and you don’t give a shit.
Be fucking happy and I hope you do go international and as far away from Heechul as possible.
Hankyung keeps the letter.
Misery, pain, hurt, none of them match up to what he feels.
***
Hankyung watches clips of Super Show 3. How can he not? They were all members together. They were all brothers to some extent. Even to those he didn’t talk to much. He loves them all because he grew with them. He became who he is because of them. He watched and so he doesn’t miss Heechul.
He sees how Heechul cries. He sees the tears and knows that he is responsible for them. And it hurts. It hurts because Heechul was his best friend and won’t pick up his phone calls. It hurts because Heechul won’t even answer him on their forum. It hurts because apart from all of that he can’t talk to Siwon.
He hasn’t been able to get more than a few minutes in and it had to be hurried because Siwon was being watched and he was on his way to meet his girlfriend.
Hankyung knows that he should feel better now that he is away. He knows that it is only a matter of time. Time is supposed to heal all wounds. Heechul will be better with time. Heechul has to be better with time because Heechul is Heechul. Heechul will be okay.
It is he who can’t do it. Because he is home and he is happy. He loves it here. He has never loved his country more. He is happy, bursting with joy at knowing that his mother and father are close. Happy because he is loved here and he is doing much better than he first expected to do. He works hard, for the fans and because when he throws himself in his work he forgets.
***
He doesn’t know why he agrees to do the drama. The Chinese version of Gossip Girl they said and he gets to do it with Siwon. Siwon has always wanted to film with him and when they suggest Siwon Hankyung wants to say no. He wants to run and be safe because it has been working. He no longer hurts when he talks to Siwon. He no longer hurts when Heechul calls him. He is doing well, but then they bring this out on him.
How can he say no? How can he say no to spending time with Siwon? How is he supposed to deny Siwon what he wants? He can’t say no because Siwon calls him, excited and happy and Hankyung knows that he is lying to himself again.
Just hearing Siwon’s excitement makes him happy, hearing that laugh makes it harder to breathe. He knows he won’t say no. He could never say no. He doesn’t want to say no.
It’s been a year and a half since he ended the contract with SM. Hankyung is now talking to Heechul who’s been in the army for almost a year. They never mention what happened, never talk about it. They’re good at pretending that everything is okay and Hankyung is glad for some sort of normalcy, not matter how fake it is.
Siwon comes then, when Super Junior is on their break. He is supposed to be there that day and Hankyung has agreed to go and pick him up at the airport. He gets into his car and when is there an hour before Siwon is supposed to arrive. He is surrounded by fans, fans of his, fans of Siwon, fans of Sihan.
He wants to laugh when one of the fans asks him whether he loves Siwon. What is he supposed to answer to that? She’s a stubborn girl because she keeps asking him, until there is a sudden burst of screams and Hankyung knows Siwon is here.
He makes his way through the group of fans and when he gets a clear view, he feels his heart drop past his feet. There is Siwon, tall and as imposing as ever. He is wearing jeans that fit just right and a white t-shirt with some words on it. He’s wearing sunglasses, the same brand that Hankyung has on.
Hankyung looks at him and doesn’t remember Siwon’s skin being that lovely color. He doesn’t remember Siwon’s eyes being that big and bright when Siwon takes of the sunglasses. Hankyung doesn’t remember it feeling so good to fall into that familiar embrace. He doesn’t know and he knows that it is going to hurt so much when he has to say goodbye, because here they go again.
He will have to hug Siwon, sit with Siwon, talk to Siwon. He will have to spend time with him and in the end Siwon will leave. It will be like the last time except that this time it will be Siwon who leaves.
But, Hankyung doesn’t care at the moment. All he cares is that Siwon is here and that they’re both laughing and crying and hugging each other. He doesn’t care that the fan girls have all gone crazy, snapping pictures of the two of them as they hug in the crowded airport.
When Siwon’s manager ushers them forward, Siwon doesn’t let go Hankyung. He hold his hand all the way to the car, in the car, and until they have to let go to pull out the suitcases. They are at Hankyung’s apartment because Siwon insisted that he didn’t need to go to a hotel, that he would be fine with Hankyung. And this is another bad idea, Hankyung knows. It is a bad idea because now he will have Siwon with him all the time, in the morning, while they film, at night.
He’s setting himself for heartbreak and he knows it but he just can’t bring himself to care, not when Siwon is laughing and hugging him. He’ll care later he decides.
Siwon leaves, has to leave. Hankyung knew the drama wouldn’t last forever and he throws himself into his work again. It numbs the pain and when he talks to Heechul, that, that, numbs the pain too.
***
Hankyung gets the call he has been expecting much earlier than he had expected. It’s only been five years since he left Super Junior when Siwon calls.
“Hyung, I did it.” Siwon says voice excited, much happier than Hankyung has ever heard him. “I did it.”
“Did what?” Hankyung asks breathless because it raining and he has to get back to his apartment.
“Hyung, wait.” Siwon says. “Are you out in the rain? Do you have an umbrella?”
“Siwon.” Hankyung scolds even as his heart jumps out of his chest. “I am old enough to not need a babysitter.”
“No.” Siwon argues. “You need me to tell you all of this because if you get sick I won’t be there to take care of you.”
Hankyung laughs. “I can take care of myself.”
“But, I would worry.”
Hankyung stops by the nearest store and buys an umbrella.
“Okay, so tell me.” He says holding the phone between his shoulder and ear as he looks for his keys. “What did you do that has you so excited?
“I asked her to marry me and she said yes. I’m getting married hyung. I’m getting married.”
Hankyung drops his keys, the umbrellas goes slack in his hand and falls too. He stands there with the rain falling over him. he stands there wondering why love was invented. He marvels again at his stupid heart because now he is sure that it is breaking and gone and it is still there beating and keeping him alive.
He hates it, hates it because without the stupid thing he wouldn’t be feeling this much pain.
“Hyung?” Siwon’s voice says bringing him back. “Hankyung hyung, are you there?”
“Yes.” Hankyung says wondering how he can be so cynical. “Yes. I’m right here and I’m so happy for you. I can’t believe my little Siwonnie is finally growing up. You beat me. How does it feel to know that you’ll be a taken man soon? You know you better be careful, all those fan girls will be crushed.”
Siwon laughs. “We always knew that I’d get married before you.”
“Yeah?” Hankyung laughs trying not to throw up.
He hates himself for being so cheerful. He hates himself for knowing how to pretend so well. He hates himself for picking up his things and going inside his apartment and listening and talking and being nice when all he wants to do is crawl into his bed and die.
He hates himself for even thinking of dying too. He hates everything. He hates Siwon for doing this to him, hates him for sounding so happy. He hates that girl for being so nice and perfect and sweet. He hates her because he knows he will never really hate her, never hate Siwon. He hates how he is so easy, so good at being happy for Siwon. He hates it.
He hates the way his heart feels like it’s going to jump out of his throat. He hates it but he plays nice. He laughs and is doing so well until Siwon asks him the question.
“Hyung, you know I love you. You might as well be my brother. And I wanted to ask you if you would agree to be my best man at my wedding?”
“Yes.” Hankyung says wanting to end the conversation as fast as he can. He’s losing it fast and he doesn’t want Siwon to hear it. “I would love to be your best man. I would be honored.”
“Thank you so much hyung.” Siwon says. “It wouldn’t be complete if you weren’t there.”
“I know.” Hankyung says almost panicking. “You need me. Listen, I have to go feed Rong Rong. I’ll call you later.”
He hangs up before Siwon can say anything and just manages to get himself into the shower before he’s crying. He’s so stupid, Hankyung thinks. He’s so stupid for thinking that he and Siwon would ever have a chance, because that’s what he thought. In the back of his head there was always that possibility and now, it’s gone. He has no hope, nothing.
Siwon is getting married.
His phone rings two hours later.
“Heechul.” Hankyung answers not bothering to hide how his voice is trembling.
“He told you then?” Heechul asks and if Hankyung listens carefully he can make out the pain behind that voice.
But, Hankyung can’t even breathe properly. He says nothing and just sits there, numb, cold and alone.
“Come.” Heechul tells him. “Come here and I’ll make it better.”
A/N: It's way too long isn't it? You all probably got bored halfway. *bites nails* I make myself sad. I feel so bad for the three of them. Siwon for being so clueless. Hannie for being so sad and Chullie. Oh poor Chullie. *sigh* Okay so there we go and yeah...on a brighter note. I took my chem final today and it was good =) Thanks to you all who wished me luck <3
Pairing: onesided!Sihan, onesided!Hanchul
Genre: angst (like woah)
Rating: R (language)
Summary: They're sworn brothers Siwon said. Brothers willing to protect each other, brothers before Super Junior members. Siwon wants friendship and Hankyung didn't even realize when it became more than that.
Note: For
pjvj10 because she is the reason this got written =)A/N: So like I was saying yesterday. I knew this was going to be longer than I originally planned. It is now a three part fic. I suck =( lol okay so here is the seconds part to this and I promise to get the next part up tomorrow. Tomorrow means a few hours after I post this. So, I'll have the last part soon. Read the genre. This is angst. Angst so bad it made me sad and I'm the one writing it XD Yeah...
They’re in China when the news about the lawsuit comes out. Hankyung knows from the look on everyone’s face that they knew nothing, that it is new to them. He can see the look on Siwon’s face and it breaks him. It tears to pieces the little resolve he has left and he has to walk away from them all. He doesn’t wait for them to say anything.
He can see that Henry understands and Zhou Mi. Even if they don’t like it they understand because they think they know why he’s doing it. They think it’s because it has finally taken its toll on him, the harsh words, the exhaustion. The two of them, Zhou Mi and Henry, think they know and they sort of do. In the end it’s about how they don’t belong, not in Korea, not in a place that doesn’t accept them.
Hankyung doesn’t belong. He doesn’t. Siwon doesn’t need him. Zhou Mi doesn’t need him. Henry doesn’t need him. They have grown, all of them, all of them are strong, all of them can deal with it. He can’t. He is weak.
He can’t handle it. He can’t watch Siwon be happy. He can’t watch as each day Siwon moves farther and farther away from him. He can’t. He has tried to and he knows it can’t work, not even if he wanted it to. Siwon has every right to do what he wants, to have a happy life, to have children, to watch them run around. He does. Hankyung wishes him the best, but he can’t do it.
***
“Why?” Kyuhyun asks.
They’re all back in their hotel room, rushed there by their manager after the news broke out. They’d had to rush past all the sobbing and begging fans. It broke Hankyung’s heart to watch them, but if they knew. If they knew the reason he was doing this then they would understand.
“Why? Why damn it! Why? What did we do to you that was so wrong?” Kyuhyun asks his voice getting louder and louder with each word.
Hankyung looks at him. He looks at Zhou Mi. He looks at Henry. It’s when he gets to Henry that he can’t do it. It’s because he knows Henry looks up to him, that Henry always comes to him when he needs to talk. It’s because he loves Henry, likes taking care of him, has found a younger brother in Henry. And also because if he were to look past Henry, he’d see Siwon.
“Kui Xian.” Zhou Mi says his tone reprimanding. “Don’t be so harsh. Han Geng can explain. I’m sure he has an explanation.”
Hankyung thanks Zhou Mi with his eyes but there is no explanation, none at all. Saying that he was leaving because he was alone and tired of hurting didn’t make sense. It is too selfish.
“This is going to kill Heechul.” Kyuhyun says.
Hankyung looks up then, because he hadn’t even thought of Heechul. He hadn’t bothered to think about Heechul. Heechul who called him every day, who listened to him, who laughed with him, who defended him, who loved him. Heechul. He hadn’t even thought of Heechul.
“Leave him alone Kyuhyun.” Siwon says.
Hankyung looks up and Siwon is looking at him. Hankyung sees sadness in those eyes, but he smiles at Hankyung anyway.
“Why should I leave him alone? He didn’t tell any one of us. Are we not important then? You’re too high and mighty now to include your friends? Oh, wait. We’re not friends are we? If we were you would have said something instead of going on behind our backs.”
“Kui Xian.” Zhou Mi says putting a hand on Kyuhyun’s shoulder. “You need to calm down.”
“Like fuck I will.”
“Don’t curse.” Siwon says but his heart just isn’t in it.
“Go to hell all of you, but you.” Kyuhyun says pointing at Hankyung. “You, you’re dead to me.”
There is silence after Kyuhyun’s words, silence that stretches so far it almost suffocates them. Hankyung doesn’t say anything. What is there to say? Kyuhyun is right. He did go behind their backs. He did keep them out of the loop. But, what could he have said to them? What would he have said to Heechul if Heechul had asked? But, most importantly what would he have told Siwon?
“Don’t worry hyung.” Ryeowook says even though his eyes are slowly filling with tears. “Kyunnie didn’t mean that. He’s just surprised.”
“Yes.” Siwon says. “We all were. But, now what we have to do is calm down.”
“I’ll go talk to Kyuhyun.” Hankyung says because it is only right.
“No.” Siwon says. “No. He’s not going to do anything but hurt you right now. Let Ryeowook or Zhou Mi do it. You come with me. You need to eat and calm down.”
Hankyung looks up finally meets Siwon’s eye without looking away. He wants to see something in those eyes, something that will make him throw everything away and jump into his arms, something that will fix that aching hole where his heart used to be.
He sees nothing, just a small smile that is supposed to reassure him.
***
Hankyung knows the call is coming. He knows because if Kyuhyun is mad then he will talk. And if it came out on the news then everyone will know by the end of the day. He is sitting in his room with the door locked when it happens.
His phone rings with Don’t Don, their song and Heechul’s idea of romantic.
“Hello.” Hankyung says sliding down to the floor because he need something solid for this.
“When were you planning on telling me?” Heechul asks.
Hankyung hears that soft voice, hears the way Heechul is trying hard to sound like it’s okay when it really isn’t. He hears how Heechul sounds so caring, so concerned.
“Is it because someone did something to you? Who was it? Tell me Hankyung. You know I’ll go fix it. Just…tell me who.” Heechul says his voice going low at the end.
Hankyung takes a deep breath. It’s not fair, he knows it, but nothing is fair.
“I just…I didn’t think it was something that you needed to be bothered with.” He says.
“Fuck you.” Heechul says and Hankyung is glad that the lost tone is gone. “Fuck you Hankyung. What did you think? That you would just bounce back in here, pick up your things and leave? Just like that? What about me? What about us?”
Hankyung takes a deep breath. He wonders for a second why this isn’t tearing him as much as the thought of leaving Siwon is. He wonders how he can be so unfair, so heartless. This is Heechul. This is his best friend. This is the person he has been using for the last year. Heechul deserves an explanation and Hankyung knows it.
“I…I’ll talk to you when we get back.”
He knows that’s not what Heechul wants to hear, but he can’t do much.
“Hankyung, you know I love you right?” Heechul says and Hankyung wishes he hadn’t.
It’s the first time Heechul has told him this, the first time he hears it since they started this relationship. It is when Heechul says it and in that tone that he knows he can’t do this either.
“Heechul, I…”
“Go to sleep.” Heechul says. “Rest. I’ll see you in a few days.”
Hankyung opens his mouth to say something, to tell Heechul that he shouldn’t love him, that he doesn’t deserve it, that he should take it back and forget it, because Hankyung is just going to break his heart. Because Hankyung knows what he is going to say when they get back to Korea. He knows Heechul won’t like it.
***
Siwon says nothing about the law suit until the day before they have to go back. Heechul says nothing more about it either, but Hankyung is getting more phone calls, more texts. He’s sitting on the couch with his bags packed because they have to leave early in the morning. He’s answering one of Heechul’s text messages when Siwon sits down next to him.
“Hankyung hyung.” Siwon says when Hankyung puts down the phone. “I wanted to talk to you.”
Hankyung nods. “Of course Siwon. What is it?”
Siwon takes his hand and Hankyung knows what this is. He doesn’t want this, doesn’t need this. He doesn’t think he is strong enough for this. He wants to get out, is desperately seeking an escape, but Siwon has both of his hands in his and Hankyung can’t move especially not when Siwon speaks.
“Geng-ge, I know…I know it’s hard, so hard…so hard for you in Korea.” Siwon breaks of and Hankyung sees the tears in his eyes. “I wish I had been…better at protecting you. I wish I had cared for you better. But…”
“Siwon.” Hankyung says reaching to wipe away Siwon’s tears.
Siwon pulls him into a hug and Hankyung marvels at the wonder that is the human heart because even though at this moment his heart feels like it has burst into millions of bleeding pieces, even now when he feels each of Siwon’s breaths as a stab, even now, his heart is still beating.
“I want what’s best for you.” Siwon says. “We’re brothers.”
Hankyung stops him. He can’t hear anymore, doesn’t want to hear anymore. Brothers. Brothers, they’re brothers. It’s funny, Hankyung thinks cynically, funny because you aren’t supposed to want to fuck your brother.
When he realizes what he’s thinking he can’t do it anymore. He breaks down, his own tears falling down his face. He was never good at keeping in his emotions, never good at being strong and Siwon, he could never be strong when it came to Siwon. He lets Siwon pull him in, let’s Siwon hug him, let’s Siwon murmur comforting words in his ear. He lets Siwon do it even though he knows that he shouldn’t, that it’ll just hurt more when he leaves.
“I love you.” Siwon says. “I love you because you’re my brother. I’ll always love you no matter where you are.”
The human heart really is a wonder. It has to be superhuman Hankyung thinks. Otherwise he doesn’t understand why his heart is still beating.
***
The hardest part about getting on the plane is saying goodbye to Henry. Hankyung loves Henry, wants to take care of him, has become so protective of the young boy. He doesn’t know what he will get a chance to see Henry again, but he knows that Henry will be okay. He will be okay because he has Zhou Mi and Kyuhyun and Siwon and Ryeowook and Donghae. Henry will be okay. Hankyung hugs him and pats him on the head and tells him to be good and he manages to push his own tears back as he wipes the ones on Henry’s face.
The rest of them say nothing as they pile into the plane that will take them back to Korea. Kyuhyun make sure to sit as far away from Hankyung as he can and Siwon beats Ryeowook to Hankyung’s side. Siwon doesn’t let go of Hankyung’s hand once. Siwon is the one that hides Hankyung when they get to the airport and are surrounded by crying fans and obnoxious reporters. Siwon shoves Hankyung into the car first and they leave.
No one says anything when they get to the dorms. There is no one there only Heechul and Sungmin. They’re waiting for him to explain, to say something, but he can’t. Hankyung has his suitcase packed already. He just needs to go and get some things from his room and leave. He has left his suitcase with his manager and he knows it is sudden and uncalled for but he has to leave. He has to get out before he hurts anyone else.
He goes to his room and grabs what he needs to, but before he can leave Heechul is there.
“You’re leaving already?”
Hankyung nods.
“Why? Did I do something wrong? Why?”
Hankyung looks at Heechul. He sees that look in Heechul’s eyes and he is so sorry, so very sorry, but he can’t.
“I didn’t know you were going to be here.” He says.
“What?” Heechul asks angry. “You were going to leave without saying goodbye? You were just going to walk away like a coward? After all this time?”
Hankyung looks at Heechul and knows it isn’t fair.
“I’m sorry.” He says knowing that he will never be able to make it better. He will never be able to gain Heechul’s trust again, never be deserving of that love again. But, it doesn’t matter because what’s done in done and he just wants to go.
“Sorry for what?” Heechul asks and Hankyung sees the tears in those eyes.
He doesn’t like the tears. He hates the tears. He wants Heechul to be angry because when Heechul is angry he isn’t sad. Anger Hankyung can deal with, the sadness just hurts more. So, he says it, to ease his pain and Heechul’s.
“I’m sorry because I lied to you. I’ve been lying to you and to everyone.”
“Lying to me?” Heechul says his eyes already drying. “What are you talking about?”
“it’s Siwon.” Hankyung says. “It’s always been Siwon. I’m sorry. I thought it wouldn’t be Siwon. I thought that maybe it could be you but it didn’t happen. It was Siwon from the beginning. It’s still Siwon.”
Hankyung isn’t surprised when he feels pain on the right side of his face. He isn’t surprised when Heechul is there angry and red in the face, whether from anger or something else Hankyung isn’t sure. All he knows is that suddenly Heechul is not only crying, but raging. He grabs the nearest thing which happens to be a framed picture of the two of them and throws it, not at Hankyung, but at the wall.
“Get out.” Heechul says his voice hoarse. “Get the fuck out! Now! Leave. I don’t want to see your face. Get out!”
“Heechul.”
“No.” Heechul says throwing something else. “Get out! Get out! Leave and don’t come back. You can die in China for all I care.”
Hankyung tries to reach for Heechul. But, Heechul just reaches for something else and throws it at him. Hankyung takes the hint. He turns and walks away without looking back. He doesn’t see Heechul. He doesn’t see how Heechul falls to the ground, sobbing, quietly so that Hankyung can’t hear. He doesn’t see how Heechul wraps his arms around himself and cries. Hankyung doesn’t see it because he leaves. He doesn’t say a word to the others.
Siwon is the only one who walks him to the car. Siwon hugs him and Hankyung doesn’t want to let go. He wants to fall into that embrace forever. He wants Siwon to hold him and tell him it will be alright. He wants Siwon to never let him go. He wants Siwon to ask him to stay. That’s all. If Siwon would just open his mouth and say those words he would drop everything and go back.
But, Siwon just lets him go.
“I love you.” Siwon says. “Be safe.”
Hankyung looks at him and sees the tears that are running down Siwon’s face. He knows he isn’t much better and he wishes it didn’t have to be this way. He wishes that Siwon would say something. He wishes that he had never hurt Heechul, that he had never been this selfish. But, it has all happened this way and now he has to go.
He gets into the car and when he looks back Siwon is waving. He raises an arm in farewell and turns back. It’s done.
***
He’s been in China for one month when he gets Kyuhyun’s letter. It comes to him through his manager. He knows it’s from Kyuhyun because he recognizes the handwriting. He has lived with them long enough to be able to tell that much. The letter starts out in Mandarin, but it is only the first sentence.
I don’t know what you were thinking. I don’t know what I was thinking, trying to make this easier for you by writing in your language. I don’t know who you think you are, but if this is the way you want to repay what Korea did for you then fine. If you want to be selfish then fine. If all these years, we’ve been together, if all the things we went through, if all the sweat and tears meant nothing to you then fine. But, I want you to know that what you did was sick.
You’re sick. I thought better of you. I looked up to you. I loved you like a brother. I respected you, but you taught me nothing, just that when it gets tough I should give up. And you taught me that honor means nothing.
I just want you to know that Heechul hasn’t been eating, that he had to go see a fucking shrink. I hope that makes you happy. It’s what you wanted no? You wanted Heechul to suffer right along with you, didn’t you?
He loved you. He loved you and you threw him away like a dirty rag. You make me sick and I hope you’re happy. Why shouldn’t you be? You got what you wanted. You’re going to be famous on your own. You threw us away. You threw hyung away.
Just know that today you lose a brother. This is the only letter I will write to you. This is the only thing I have to say to you. You don’t even deserve this, but I have to let you know somehow. Be happy Han Geng. Be happy even though you made sure Heechul wouldn’t. Be happy even though you made sure that we would all hurt when you left. Be fucking happy because we fucking miss you and you don’t give a shit.
Be fucking happy and I hope you do go international and as far away from Heechul as possible.
Hankyung keeps the letter.
Misery, pain, hurt, none of them match up to what he feels.
***
Hankyung watches clips of Super Show 3. How can he not? They were all members together. They were all brothers to some extent. Even to those he didn’t talk to much. He loves them all because he grew with them. He became who he is because of them. He watched and so he doesn’t miss Heechul.
He sees how Heechul cries. He sees the tears and knows that he is responsible for them. And it hurts. It hurts because Heechul was his best friend and won’t pick up his phone calls. It hurts because Heechul won’t even answer him on their forum. It hurts because apart from all of that he can’t talk to Siwon.
He hasn’t been able to get more than a few minutes in and it had to be hurried because Siwon was being watched and he was on his way to meet his girlfriend.
Hankyung knows that he should feel better now that he is away. He knows that it is only a matter of time. Time is supposed to heal all wounds. Heechul will be better with time. Heechul has to be better with time because Heechul is Heechul. Heechul will be okay.
It is he who can’t do it. Because he is home and he is happy. He loves it here. He has never loved his country more. He is happy, bursting with joy at knowing that his mother and father are close. Happy because he is loved here and he is doing much better than he first expected to do. He works hard, for the fans and because when he throws himself in his work he forgets.
***
He doesn’t know why he agrees to do the drama. The Chinese version of Gossip Girl they said and he gets to do it with Siwon. Siwon has always wanted to film with him and when they suggest Siwon Hankyung wants to say no. He wants to run and be safe because it has been working. He no longer hurts when he talks to Siwon. He no longer hurts when Heechul calls him. He is doing well, but then they bring this out on him.
How can he say no? How can he say no to spending time with Siwon? How is he supposed to deny Siwon what he wants? He can’t say no because Siwon calls him, excited and happy and Hankyung knows that he is lying to himself again.
Just hearing Siwon’s excitement makes him happy, hearing that laugh makes it harder to breathe. He knows he won’t say no. He could never say no. He doesn’t want to say no.
It’s been a year and a half since he ended the contract with SM. Hankyung is now talking to Heechul who’s been in the army for almost a year. They never mention what happened, never talk about it. They’re good at pretending that everything is okay and Hankyung is glad for some sort of normalcy, not matter how fake it is.
Siwon comes then, when Super Junior is on their break. He is supposed to be there that day and Hankyung has agreed to go and pick him up at the airport. He gets into his car and when is there an hour before Siwon is supposed to arrive. He is surrounded by fans, fans of his, fans of Siwon, fans of Sihan.
He wants to laugh when one of the fans asks him whether he loves Siwon. What is he supposed to answer to that? She’s a stubborn girl because she keeps asking him, until there is a sudden burst of screams and Hankyung knows Siwon is here.
He makes his way through the group of fans and when he gets a clear view, he feels his heart drop past his feet. There is Siwon, tall and as imposing as ever. He is wearing jeans that fit just right and a white t-shirt with some words on it. He’s wearing sunglasses, the same brand that Hankyung has on.
Hankyung looks at him and doesn’t remember Siwon’s skin being that lovely color. He doesn’t remember Siwon’s eyes being that big and bright when Siwon takes of the sunglasses. Hankyung doesn’t remember it feeling so good to fall into that familiar embrace. He doesn’t know and he knows that it is going to hurt so much when he has to say goodbye, because here they go again.
He will have to hug Siwon, sit with Siwon, talk to Siwon. He will have to spend time with him and in the end Siwon will leave. It will be like the last time except that this time it will be Siwon who leaves.
But, Hankyung doesn’t care at the moment. All he cares is that Siwon is here and that they’re both laughing and crying and hugging each other. He doesn’t care that the fan girls have all gone crazy, snapping pictures of the two of them as they hug in the crowded airport.
When Siwon’s manager ushers them forward, Siwon doesn’t let go Hankyung. He hold his hand all the way to the car, in the car, and until they have to let go to pull out the suitcases. They are at Hankyung’s apartment because Siwon insisted that he didn’t need to go to a hotel, that he would be fine with Hankyung. And this is another bad idea, Hankyung knows. It is a bad idea because now he will have Siwon with him all the time, in the morning, while they film, at night.
He’s setting himself for heartbreak and he knows it but he just can’t bring himself to care, not when Siwon is laughing and hugging him. He’ll care later he decides.
Siwon leaves, has to leave. Hankyung knew the drama wouldn’t last forever and he throws himself into his work again. It numbs the pain and when he talks to Heechul, that, that, numbs the pain too.
***
Hankyung gets the call he has been expecting much earlier than he had expected. It’s only been five years since he left Super Junior when Siwon calls.
“Hyung, I did it.” Siwon says voice excited, much happier than Hankyung has ever heard him. “I did it.”
“Did what?” Hankyung asks breathless because it raining and he has to get back to his apartment.
“Hyung, wait.” Siwon says. “Are you out in the rain? Do you have an umbrella?”
“Siwon.” Hankyung scolds even as his heart jumps out of his chest. “I am old enough to not need a babysitter.”
“No.” Siwon argues. “You need me to tell you all of this because if you get sick I won’t be there to take care of you.”
Hankyung laughs. “I can take care of myself.”
“But, I would worry.”
Hankyung stops by the nearest store and buys an umbrella.
“Okay, so tell me.” He says holding the phone between his shoulder and ear as he looks for his keys. “What did you do that has you so excited?
“I asked her to marry me and she said yes. I’m getting married hyung. I’m getting married.”
Hankyung drops his keys, the umbrellas goes slack in his hand and falls too. He stands there with the rain falling over him. he stands there wondering why love was invented. He marvels again at his stupid heart because now he is sure that it is breaking and gone and it is still there beating and keeping him alive.
He hates it, hates it because without the stupid thing he wouldn’t be feeling this much pain.
“Hyung?” Siwon’s voice says bringing him back. “Hankyung hyung, are you there?”
“Yes.” Hankyung says wondering how he can be so cynical. “Yes. I’m right here and I’m so happy for you. I can’t believe my little Siwonnie is finally growing up. You beat me. How does it feel to know that you’ll be a taken man soon? You know you better be careful, all those fan girls will be crushed.”
Siwon laughs. “We always knew that I’d get married before you.”
“Yeah?” Hankyung laughs trying not to throw up.
He hates himself for being so cheerful. He hates himself for knowing how to pretend so well. He hates himself for picking up his things and going inside his apartment and listening and talking and being nice when all he wants to do is crawl into his bed and die.
He hates himself for even thinking of dying too. He hates everything. He hates Siwon for doing this to him, hates him for sounding so happy. He hates that girl for being so nice and perfect and sweet. He hates her because he knows he will never really hate her, never hate Siwon. He hates how he is so easy, so good at being happy for Siwon. He hates it.
He hates the way his heart feels like it’s going to jump out of his throat. He hates it but he plays nice. He laughs and is doing so well until Siwon asks him the question.
“Hyung, you know I love you. You might as well be my brother. And I wanted to ask you if you would agree to be my best man at my wedding?”
“Yes.” Hankyung says wanting to end the conversation as fast as he can. He’s losing it fast and he doesn’t want Siwon to hear it. “I would love to be your best man. I would be honored.”
“Thank you so much hyung.” Siwon says. “It wouldn’t be complete if you weren’t there.”
“I know.” Hankyung says almost panicking. “You need me. Listen, I have to go feed Rong Rong. I’ll call you later.”
He hangs up before Siwon can say anything and just manages to get himself into the shower before he’s crying. He’s so stupid, Hankyung thinks. He’s so stupid for thinking that he and Siwon would ever have a chance, because that’s what he thought. In the back of his head there was always that possibility and now, it’s gone. He has no hope, nothing.
Siwon is getting married.
His phone rings two hours later.
“Heechul.” Hankyung answers not bothering to hide how his voice is trembling.
“He told you then?” Heechul asks and if Hankyung listens carefully he can make out the pain behind that voice.
But, Hankyung can’t even breathe properly. He says nothing and just sits there, numb, cold and alone.
“Come.” Heechul tells him. “Come here and I’ll make it better.”
A/N: It's way too long isn't it? You all probably got bored halfway. *bites nails* I make myself sad. I feel so bad for the three of them. Siwon for being so clueless. Hannie for being so sad and Chullie. Oh poor Chullie. *sigh* Okay so there we go and yeah...on a brighter note. I took my chem final today and it was good =) Thanks to you all who wished me luck <3
no subject
*clicks on last chapter*
oh nyuuuu hankyung ;A;
idk im sad for hankyung yet i feel like hah it's karma for breaking hee's heart
okay i shall click next nao LOL
no subject
But, Geng is so sad like a puppy. Look
Look! Forgive him! You have to! lol ;)